I work at a Christian ministry... so my normal workplace is far from the norm. We are a close bunch, most of us have formed close, strong, personal bonds that carry far outside the walls of our work place. We spend time together at work and it's often fun and very family like. The atmosphere is very warm and inviting, we are a strong, solid group.

I'm getting married in three months time and the time has come for me to gather addresses and make sure of names of spouses, children and if some of my invitees are bringing dates or not. We're not going too formal, but we're following some basic etiquette.

A woman who has only worked there a month has approached me and simply asked to be invited. We are not social outside of work at all. She has not had dinner at home nor invited me to go shopping, come to church with us... or even communicate with me via e-mail or cell phone. This is a work-only relationship thus far. I am uncomfortable with not only the fact that she asked me to invite her to my wedding... but in the manner in which she did it. It was in front of a bunch of my other co-workers and it was less asking and more of an accusation, "You ARE inviting me to the wedding, aren't you?" Perhaps she was kidding, perhaps she wasn't.

I didn't answer her, I didn't respond, I didn't even make any indication she said anything. I acted as if she never spoke the words at all. Help, I guess I need any advice. I don't want to alienate her... but because of our work environment being so personal, she will eventually figure out she's not being invited. If she asks again, what's a nice way to say, "No, you're not invited." Without embarassing her further. My guess is at some point she'll just get the hint, but I'd rather do this without causing ill feelings or harm.

Hi LilMiss...

I'm sorry nobody has answered this yet - I'm not sure if what I'm going to say is completely correct, it's just MY feeling on the matter.

I feel that your co-worker was very presumptuous and generally out of line soliciting an invitation to your wedding when you barely know each other. My first instinct is to suggest continuing to ignore it, hoping that she really was kidding, or that she doesn't push the issue.

On another hand, however, although she's fairly new and you haven't gotten to know her yet, if your office is as close-knit as you stay, it might really hurt her feelings if everyone else goes and she isn't invited - especially since by that time she'll have been there quite a bit longer. If an extra person or two wouldn't be a burden, it might be a good idea to invite her - especially if you have invited every single other person in the office. Who knows, maybe she just wants to feel accepted but won't go - you never know who your next very good friend will be, so shouldn't alienate new acquaintences.

Now MrsS might come along and blow my suggestion completely out of the water, but I thought I'd contribute my notions. Good Luck, what ever you decide...and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!!!!!

Actually, Giz, I think you're dead on the money... yes, the "new gal" was out of line to ask, and pretending you did not hear her is probably the best thing, but if you're unable to ignore her and can bear to have an extra, you may as well suck it up if most of your other coworkers will be there.

Being as delicate as I can in my boots, my opinion is to invite her.

You have got to weigh the costs in relation to the consequences.

Put yourself in her boots, I mean her shoes.

She is wanting to be part of the "team". The cost may be minimal in relation to the friend that may be found.

OTOH, you could just cancel the wedding while there is still time, solving this problem along with all the other problems that will occur in the years to come.

If your beau is true, he will still be there in three, four years without all the legal ramifications.

Marriage should require a $10,000.00 deposit from each party to be refunded in twenty years (with interest) if both parties request it.

I'd have to agree with Giz and MrsS. I wouldn't want to invite her just because of the way she acted, but if you invite everyone else and don't invite her, you may regret it -especially if you have to work in the same place with her for years to come.
But you are under absolutely no obligation to invite her, especially if you think her presence would be unpleasant. Her near-demand for an invitation would make me uneasy about inviting her without at least finding out more about her...
Try to get to know her a little bit and see if you like her, see if she is the kind of person you want at your wedding. If not, just tell her you're sorry but that it's a private affair for people you are closer to.

I'm sorry but I see this particular situation a little different than most. I think you should invite her. You are going to be working with her for a long time and will see her for a long time after that day. Now I am about as far from a religious guru as you can get. I can't even believe I'm going to say this but I have to. You work in a Christian ministry. I think the Christian thing to do would be to invite her. She obviously likes you and wants to be part of the group. You are a close knit group and have strong bonds. I'm sure she sees this. She may be a little pushy but maybe she just doesn't want to be out casted. Have you been asking the advice of your friends? It sounds a bit like clicky high school to me. You stress the point that you are a strong family group and you and the new woman don't do things together. It is tough being new and it can be hard to make friends. It is even harder when others won't let you in. What is one more invitation anyway? You are already having children, dates of guests and probably cousins you haven't seen in years. IMO you should invite her. That is what a good Christian would do. You know that. IMO

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful and insightful advice. After reading the very first response, I did make the decision to go ahead and invite her. And I let her know in a fun way that never indicated that I even hesitated making the decision I made. It IS very important to me/us that the right decision be made. It is not mine to teach her right from wrong or proper etiquette. But what is my responsibility is to make all feel welcome. I already DO work with this woman on a daily basis and we are already forming a bond... since my original post.

Thank you so much for your honest and open help. It is greatly appreciated... by more than just me.

AnswerPool is a tight knit group and we can always fit new members in between the threads.

Congratulations on your marriage.

Hope to see you around the pool.

LilMiss, I'm so happy you worked it out the way you did...I felt that the new person would have fit in quite a bit in a short time in the atmosphere you have, I just didn't want to say it quite that way.

Clare did though...good for you Clare!

Have a great wedding LilMiss, and I hope we see you around here alot!

Thanks for the welcome!

Yes, as it turns out... it really was the right choice. Sometimes, regardless of faith issues it's difficult to get a good perspective when you're so close to an issue. Admittedly I was thrown off by her approach. However, it did come to mind (once I started receiving responses to my post) that perhaps it was I who set the stage initially for her to approach me in that manner. I actually like people to feel welcome around me and feel comfortable enough to freely and very openly speak their minds around me and to me. I abhor rumors and talking behind someone's back, especially mine.

Having not realized that because my position within my work place I cultivated this very atmosphere for this type of behavior to blossom, I was slightly thrown off when approached in such an open and forth coming manner. Thanks for your patience with me (and her) for helping us figure this out. I would rather that someone be direct with me, always.

As it has turned out, she is already an asset. She, being the wonderfully creative and artistic person that she is, has been successfully recruited to help us decorate for both wedding and reception. Her enthusiasm has helped spur my creativity as well.

I do have the most sincerest appreciation for your thoughtful and insightful advise.