Since this is one of the best-behaved forums in Answerpool, I'm hoping this is a good forum for an etiquette question. My fiance and I are getting married next summer, and we're both established enough that we don't need any traditional wedding presents. Also, we're anticipating that we may have to pay transportation costs for some of her family members, since we make more money than they do (although we are by no means wealthy).

I've heard of some couples having a "money tree" at their wedding, which is basically a small tree with clothes pins instead of leaves, which people can pin money to. This seems a little tacky to me, and besides we really need money before the wedding to help pay for the wedding and possible transportation costs.

I already have my own domain on the Internet, so I was thinking of creating a wedding page (with a password of course) which would have pictures of my fiance and I, and other personal information and pictures relating to us, our relationship, and the upcoming wedding. I could include the URL and the password for the wedding page on the invitations.

This page would have a link to a "gift page", and on the gift page would be an announcement that rather than bringing gifts, we would appreciate optional donations. The page would also have a PayPal box so people could use credit cards to make deposits to a wedding account. This account would be a separate checking account earmarked just for wedding expenses.

The page could also include a "virtual money tree" that adds a green bill (no denomination shown) every time someone makes a donation of any size. Of course, there would also be an address where people could mail checks, if they prefer.

So, what do you guys think? Would this be appropriate, or would it be tacky? Also, what else could or should I put on the gift page?

Should I have a link to an account page that shows how much has been donated, how we've spent it so far, and how much is left? I figure some people might want to know where the money is going, but maybe it would be better not to get that specific. Also, if I did have an account page, how would I mention the "transportation" expenses without embarrassing her family?

Anyhow, I'd love to get some opinions on all this. I don't know if there's a standard etiquette for this kind of thing. If so, please give me a reference. If not, then maybe we can come up with an "Answerpool etiquette" consensus.
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09-15-03, 12:13 PM
Lydia
I don't think there is any formal "etiquette" on this, but I will say...if I was going to a wedding and I was directed to something like this, I would feel as though I was "buying a ticket" to go to your wedding...my own personal opinion - sounds very tacky. The way you're describing it, it makes it appear that you're not really paying for your wedding, but you're accepting donations.

I always give money as a gift for a wedding (never purchase a present - you never really know what is needed). If it's my choice, then I feel good about it - if I were to be "charged admission" - it'd be a whole different story. I know that's not what you're doing, but that's how it can be taken - you know how people love to talk.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

09-15-03, 01:17 PM
angela-cc
I disagree. I do not think it is tacky at all. It is practical. This day and age you can have your wedding any way you want it. Brides make no bones about making a list at department stores at the registries. So why not ask for money? It will makie it easier on everyone. And Paypal is simple and easy to use. I use it on ebay all of the time. It will be a great way to get the funds deposited into your account with just a few clicks. If that is what you want to do, I would go for it.

09-15-03, 02:57 PM
silenteuphony
Maybe I could have the best of both worlds. On the gift page, I could have a link to the "virtual money tree" with the PayPal box, as well as a link to an on-line gift registry (these days, some department stores probably already have on-line gift registries). We could have enough items on the list to accommodate more traditional gift-givers, but I think a lot of people would gravitate toward the on-line donation anyway, just because it's more convenient (most of our guests will be flying in from out of town).

I could include a statement that on-line donations would be "just as appreciated" as regular gifts for those who are too busy to shop or don't want to check their wedding gift as luggage on their flight. Of course, I would also include a statement that all gifts are optional (donations or traditional) and the greatest gift of all is just to have our guests show up and share our special occasion!

09-15-03, 03:06 PM
Lydia
I would stay away ENTIRELY from calling it a "donation". Call it a gift...don't say it's to help pay for the wedding. Maybe you could set up a site and put some pictures of the two of you, share some other "news" and that kind of thing, maybe have a place they can make comments and such. Then as another part of it, you can have the online registry for "traditional" gifts and then the other for the gift of money. I just find the thought of calling it a "donation" rather distasteful (I'm trying to think of a word besides tacky)...if you can't afford the type of wedding you are planning, you should have something smaller and not be looking for "donations"...

I'm NOT trying to be mean - if it's sounding that way, I apologize...I am answering an opinion question - so please...nobody "yell" at me Big Grin

09-15-03, 06:28 PM
clarebear
It sounds tacky to me. I think the pay pal is one step beyond tacky but I can't think of the right word. Sorry. Frown

09-15-03, 06:33 PM
psych major
Well, for lack of a better word I have to agree, its just a bit well...............tacky.

09-16-03, 12:29 AM
silenteuphony
I'm certainly not offended by the word "tacky"; in fact, I appreciate everyone's honesty. I'm kind of an anti-establishment person, so sometimes it's difficult for me to relate to the "normal" reactions of our mainstream culture. So this forum is kind of a test run for the idea, and I would rather have people call it tacky now than later find out the hard way just how tacky my guests think it is (or even worse, never know just how tacky they think it is).

09-16-03, 12:40 AM
puppyblues
Lydia, ya meanie! Razz

silenteuphony, while I don't know of your current living situation (if you are living together or not) but on the invitation, you COULD put that a gift of monetary value would be appreciated in place of gifts because you already have what you need at home.

I DO think that the pay pal will definately turn some people off in a big way and they may not give you (or even come to your wedding) anything at all. People don't like to be 'told' what to do, so suggesting in a 'round-a-bout' way that money would be the best gift of all is more appropriate. Smile

Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!

09-16-03, 06:47 AM
blueeagle65
Another vote for over the top Tacky (note the capital T). Frown

09-16-03, 07:01 AM
NCcichlid
Have you considered having a "Dollar Dance".

The dollar dance is a time-honored tradition, so ingrained in the hallowed halls of reception-dom, that many older guests will show up at your reception with multiple dollar bills in their pocket (and no, it's not because they know you're having a cash bar)! Placing the bride on one side of the dance floor and the groom on the other, the maid of honor and best man collect dollar bills from guests who wish to dance with the couple.

Click here for the complete article explaining the "Dollar Dance" and commentary.

09-16-03, 07:57 AM
MrsS
First of all, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage and best wishes for your future happiness.....Now, on to the answer: There is really no proper way to tell people directly what gift you want, unless they ask you specifically...and even then, the answer must allow for their choosing something they can afford easily...to encourage cash, the best reply might be something like "Well, gosh, you know we really haven't thought much about it...we already have all the basic house stuff."
It is also common practice to allow the bridal party and parents do the dirty work....people who are in doubt usually turn to the family, close friends and Bridesmaids/Groomsmen for gift advice...a Bridesmaid might get away with "I don't know....they have everything they need for the house, but I know they're saving for XYZ"
I hope you'll give up on the PayPal idea, it is....well,....yeah...tacky....due to the bald request for funds and the fact that it makes your wedding seem like a commercial venture to which tickets are being sold.
(For more advice on the details and sticky points of weddings, I highly recommend "Miss Manners on (Perfectly Proper) Weddings" and "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior". Both are fun to read and contain excellent advice.)

09-16-03, 01:50 PM
DorianGreyed
I agree with Lydia's first post. Further, asking for financial help is saying that you really can't afford to have the wedding that you want, so you want everyone to chip in. The solution is to either take out a loan to have the party you want, or to have the party you can afford. A wedding reception is a celebration to which one invites loved ones. What you are proposing (pun intended) seems more like a Rent Party.

And the PayPal idea is beyond the pale. That is only a one small step from having a charge card facility at the reception.

09-16-03, 04:09 PM
Sandy
For what it is worth, I also think this is very tacky. I once recieved a wedding invitation that had a note inserted saying that the couple 2ould like "green backs" as a gift. I thought that was terrible. I also am not a big fan of any gift registry. If I didn't know what to give someone, I would ask either the couple, or maybe the maid of honor for some ideas. I personally always give a cash gift when invited to a wedding.

09-16-03, 07:31 PM
honilov
Congratulations on your wedding, but I also think your idea is tacky. I'm sure asking for money would probably turn some people away. It's just not the thing to do.

09-16-03, 10:35 PM
silenteuphony
Okay, so I think you guys talked me out of it. But then, that was the whole purpose of bringing it to this forum, to try out the idea in a safe place, and see how it went over. (like a lead balloon, I'd say)

Well, we already have some close friends and family volunteering to perform the ceremony, make the cake, sing at the wedding, and house the reception, and they're all close enough that they were happy to help and not offended by our asking. So I suppose even if we don't solicit money, we're already saving a lot in free services (professional quality, I might add). So maybe if we skimp and save, we'll actually have enough for the honeymoon!

As for material gifts, we may forego them entirely, because now that I think about it, the one thing we really need more of is room, not stuff. Maybe we could put a portable storage shed on the gift registry? Wink

09-17-03, 06:04 PM
FredPuli
Hope it goes well ! Congratulations to the 'groom ( isn't that quaint and old-fashionedly sexist? Here we don't congratulate the bride lest it suggest we think she's been doing the chasing, hunting for a man and she's bagged a prize!!! Big Grin We just send our best wishes or love to her)

Yes it would be a bit tacky with Paypal and the suggestion implicit of paying for the wedding. Asking for money is not necessarily 'off'. It is largely a cultural matter. You may have been thinking of Greek weddings as an example of money given. Certainly the Greek Cypriot community here has a party where all the guests pin money to the clothing of the bride and 'groom as the couple dances.Nothing wrong with that; it's tradition founded on practical common sense in rural communities and the gifts are to the couple as personal gifts, not like payments. Otherwise it's not so easy to sell the idea.

09-18-03, 03:52 PM
notinmyname
Tacky in my opinion.

I got married at city hall, in chambers with a single girlfriend as a witness. Yet it is a good marriage! The wedding is (in my view) so trivial as compared to the for better or worse ever after.

We had all our friends over to a potluck party later in the year and danced and drank and partied and got congratulated. No presents came our way and it was too far off to be a wedding reception per say. Our families gave us a few things, practical for the most part. We were very broke at the time, and I am pretty lazy in the entertaining others area.

09-21-03, 10:08 PM
Tree
Hmmmm.. My Mom asked my sister (when she was about to be married) if she'd like a wedding, or 8 thousand dollars.

My sister answered that she wanted a wedding.

A wedding it was! ALSO, she recieved total cash in the amount of CLOSE to 8 thousand dollars. She ended up with both. Some nationalities recognize money as the wiser gift.

Wink

10-07-03, 11:47 AM
Cyndiluwho_99
My mother saw to it that my sister and I were raised with an Emily Post book never farther than arms length away.
I just want to say that I am pleased to see that the rules of etiquette that were established so long ago are NOT considered out-dated.
And Fred.....THANK YOU for pointing out that one congratulates the groom, and gives the bride best wishes.

10-11-03, 10:02 AM
angela-cc
Wedding Etiquette (Virtual Money Tree)
Well in my opinion it is tacky to "congratulate" the bride. I was always told it was.

01-14-04, 07:18 AM
MrSensitive
Money trees are tacky.
Gift registry is tacky.
Dollar Dances are tacky.

Tacky, Tacky, Tacky.

I would rather go to Vegas and be married by an Elvis than endure these "traditions".


Mr(chunka chunka burnin'cash)Sensitive

01-14-04, 07:34 AM
Sherasi
Sagus and I had none of those things at our wedding. It was a very nice, small wedding and it was very lovely. A friend took our photos (they turned out nicely), my family prepared food and had a small party at our house (1 block from the church) and it was just a nice family/friend get together. Smile Just after the ceremony we did the wedding cake and some nibbles (pretzels, chips, etc and punch) and then went to my place. Sometimes the simply things are more meaningful (to me) because you are so exhausted (as the couple getting married) that much of what is going on isn't really taken in anyway.

01-14-04, 09:03 AM
MrsS

quote because you are so exhausted (as the couple getting married) that much of what is going on isn't really taken in anyway.

I had to laugh when I read that....After Craig and I were married, we had to watch the video as soon as we got home to find out exactly what we promised....we had snuck a few minutes alone at our reception and we discovered that neither of us could remember the entire ceremony, just pieces (Oh, we knew the gist of it...we knew we had actually, really, for real gotten married, we just lost some of the details in a haze of nerves)....and I had to have my mother -in-law tell me who was who in the pictures because Craig's aunts and uncles were a big (pleasant)blur.

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