This day-care provider killed a 16-month-old boy.

Melissa Calusinski.

Here's her father:

Question:
Does domestic violence produce violent offspring?

Choices:
Yes, usually.
No, usually.
Don't have an opinion.

 

I grew up in a home with abuse. The abuse I experienced included being picked up and thrown against walls, beaten with a whiffle ball bat, whipped with a leather belt, etc.

There are times when I have felt extreme rage at the kids (especially Dustin who is the most aggravating of my Autistic sons), but I have never abused them.

That is NOT the same thing as occassional WARRANTED spanking which I HAVE done, rarely. Mostly related to safety issues (running into the street and scaring the crap out of me).

But I think that there are many times violence does get carried along 'generationally'.

I think Anger Management is more of an issue than abuse. Violence isn't the only, or even most common response to abusive environments.

quote:

I grew up in a home with abuse. The abuse I experienced included being picked up and thrown against walls, beaten with a whiffle ball bat, whipped with a leather belt, etc.

Good Lord, Twin! I thought ministers were into non-violence.

Twin, they are, but, as with anyone, emotional issues coupled with uncontrolled anger management can happen to Clergy and Laity alike.

He died when I was 21, so we never resolved those issues between us, but I admit that I DID abuse my cats somewhat the same way he did me and at approximately the same time (just after each event almost) which makes sense and DOES follow the original question of this post.

To this day I can cry simply remembering how I treated my pets.

I didn't start having children until I was 28 years old, so maybe I grew up a bit. Sagus also has a personality that diffuses alot of anger and as such I do not explode like I did as a kid at home. (He refuses to argue with me )

(The last time my dad picked me up threw me and beat me was about when I was 18 years old.)

Sher, I'm so sorry to hear that. It's a sign of your strength and moral sense that you have managed to break the chain. You are not only a caring parent, but a wise and generous friend. As I have good reason to know.

I have to say yes.

Like Sherasi I too not only came from a violent childhood, but I also 'wage war' within myself with the potential of being an abuser.

I did have a 'rough' decade, my 20's where I was mean and cruel to people in general. More specifically I loved to go to the gay bars, lead on guys and then rip their hearts out, throw the heart to the floor and jump up and down on it. Mixed with my 'good looks' and my ability to present myself as a 'nice guy' this vicious streak was pure abuse, granted not physical abuse, but abuse nonetheless - while I have lived long enough to regret it, at the time I enjoyed it.

I also turned the abuse on myself, I took to self destructive behaviors. Drug and alcohol abuse are the most prominent behaviors, however I did cut myself (not enough to bleed to death, but enough for blood and pain) and I did attempt suicide more than one, I also did kill myself once, they brought me back but I was clinically dead for a while.

I also have the benefit of a few years of therapy where the therapist assured me or helped me to reveal to myself the deadly potential of my bottled up anger, grief and the potential to be an abusive person.

Most (not all) violent criminals behind bars come from abusive homes, most (not all) abusive spouses/parents also come from abusive homes.

There is a lot of garbage one collects other than scars in an abusive house. The abused never learns how to act and react reasonably and sociably during the critical formative years, they have to 'guess' at the right behaviors or they have to learn once they leave home. Self esteem, bottled up anger, long felt pain, anguish and a skewed sense of what 'love' is and how it is expressed are usually barriers to a healthy relationship.

While it is true that not all abused people grow up to be abusers or at least act out on their emotions, all of them are 'broken toys' and have a wide range of unhealthy behaviors, few actually get treatment, and those who do manage to keep from beating their spouse/kids usually silently wage a battle within themselves always fighting the 'demon' that could break loose and become a raging abusive person.

Yes. I was in a very bad relationship. My ex... thank god. his son lived with us for a short time. He is just like his dad. Hasn't hurt a woman yet. But will. The respect isn't there. When I was running away from the abuse his son (my age) didn't want to help. I see he treats his girlfriend the same way. And am scared for her. It is a learned behaviour (sometimes). I thank god I left. Took me 14 years but finally left. No one deserves it.

A violent/abusive environment sets the stages for continued violence/abuse.
But it is not set in stone that a person be that way. Also, a person's own nature can make a difference. Nonetheless, scars are inevitable. And sometimes one must learn behaviors that were suppressed or never allowed to emerge.

I was raised in abuse and violence. I promised myself that once I got away from there, I would never have that in my life again. And I haven't!

My husband and I argued a lot during probably the first half of our 34-year marriage. It was hard for me to trust anyone. Also, I had unrealistic expectations of our relationship.

I had a bad relationship with my son - not abusive, but not nurturing, either. My maternal instincts had been very deeply suppressed. I didn't how to relate to him, but I knew how not to relate to him, and I couldn't follow that example.
By the time my daughter came along, 13 years later, I had seen loving examples of motherhood by watching my sister-in-law. My own instincts and nature allowed me to be a nurturing mother to her.
I know my son felt bad seeing the difference, but I could not punish my daughter by pushing her away, for things that had happened before she had ever been born. More complicated things that needn't have been.

Both children's teen years were horrendous! I honestly thought I would not survive either one of them. 'Nuff said!

Now we all have good relationships, my kids, my husband and myself. The kids are grown and I have grown. But I still have trouble being close to friends, because of all the self-doubts that were embedded in me during those formative years.
But as long as you live, you grow and learn...