What does everyone think about the idea of arranged marriages?
I have my own opinion, of course, but will post it later....after the ball is rolling a bit.
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05-29-03, 04:40 PM
Ruthann
I believe that love makes itself known, I don't think it can be created. I don't believe in arranged marraiges, one, because there is no love there, and two, love is what creates marraige.

05-29-03, 04:40 PM
honilov
Actually, I think arranged marriages suck.

05-29-03, 05:03 PM
juanruiz
In many cultures today arranged marriages are common. As was true for centuries in Europe, where marriages served to create political and economic bonds between royal houses and noble families, while also assuring the continuation of the familial line.
Love was considered too fickle an emotion for such important results. With a 50% divorce rate in the US, perhaps they had the right idea. Of course, the system also helped courtly love to flourish, for which, see C.S. Lewis, "The Allegory of Love."

05-29-03, 05:23 PM
gatman
Perhaps it is not arranged marriage that sucks but simply marriage that sucks.

Also hindering is the ease of divorce, the lack of knowing oneself, the lack of knowing the partner, a general acceptance of disposable anything, a lack of committment.

Ok so it is not marraige that sucks but us that sucks.

05-29-03, 05:25 PM
clarebear
I work with many people from India who have had arranged marriages. (100% of them have) My friend talked to her husband on the phone for months before they finally met.They had a short courtship and he asked for her hand in marriage. They got married in India but he waited almost a year to move to the USA. She did have a choice and could have said no. This is part of one's culture and it has been going on for centuries. I certainly wouldn't trust my parents to make that decision for me. Many parents can't make the right choice for themselves let alone their children.

05-29-03, 05:30 PM
puppyblues
No, I think you were right the first time, gat. marriage sucks Roll Eyes

But, in many cultures, as juanruiz pointed out, it's still very commen. Infact, we have a member that will have an arranged marriage. She totally believes that love will find them. I hope, for her sake, she is right.

My question is, why do people think that it would work? Why wouldn't it work? I think one reason it would work, is that your parents are picking someone for you that they think will best match you. Parents are often times right about a partner or mate when you are very young and making bad decisions for yourself. So, if your parents are picking from the beginning, maybe they are right?? I'm not sure. I would never be able to tolerate it myself, but I admire those who do and stay married till those words come true, 'till death do you part'. Is that even IN wedding vows anymore? Maybe it should be 'till someone better comes along'?? Sorry, I'm just bitter.

I'm interested in hearing your answer, MrsS. Smile

05-29-03, 05:33 PM
juanruiz

quote:

Originally posted by clarebear:
I work with many people from India who have had arranged marriages. (100% of them have) My friend talked to her husband on the phone for months before they finally met.They had a short courtship and he asked for her hand in marriage. They got married in India but he waited almost a year to move to the USA. She did have a choice and could have said no. This is part of one's culture and it has been going on for centuries. I certainly wouldn't trust my parents to make that decision for me. Many parents can't make the right choice for themselves let alone their children.

CB brings up an interesting subject. The CBC ran a documentary on a modern Indian couple in Canada that went the arranged marriage route. He a medical resident, she a dentist. About a year later she stabbed him to death.

05-29-03, 05:43 PM
aminator2002
If the people involved think it's good and right and they aren't teenagers then I'm all for it.

I don't think anyone should be forced into anything, but I've known people in arranged marriages and it doesn't seem as horrible as some of my friends who made their own choices... what a mess they made for themselves.

So... to each his/her own as far as I'm concerned.

05-29-03, 05:56 PM
MrsS
Cool...some great responses! Thanks, everyoneSmile
I started this thread because the subject has come up in three different chats that I frequent, so I wondered what everyone here might say.....Let me begin by saying that I, having been raised in America with the full expectation of choosing my spouse, can not see myself in an arranged marriage.
I do, however, see some merit in the idea...I am excluding the idea of childhood betrothals for this (we'll have that fight another timeWink and someone other than I will be defending the concept of the 8 year old bride)
I am also working from the assumption that the goal of those doing the arranging is for the couple to have a happy marriage, not to cement some other tie between themselves (or to get on television, as in certain "Reality" shows) and that the Bride and Groom are each agreeable to having their marriage arranged.
First and foremost, such a marriage has the wholehearted support of both families. Being married is hard enough without getting any friction from the folks about your mate. I know my own marriage is the better for the fact that my folks and his are all pleased with the match.
Usually, the young people joined in such a marriage come from similar backgrounds and were raised with similar standards....this is a great point in the marriages favor. Couples from very different backgrounds often have a much harder time adapting to the daily reality of being married.
It is a largely Western ideal that a marriage is primarily about romantic love... Romantic Love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage....respect, affection, friendship and compatability are, ultimately, more durable. While it is certainly ideal to have your spouse make your heart go pitterpat, that is not a reason to marry. When two people are truly compatable, I believe that love can grow....maybe not the breathless, can't sleep/eat/think kind but how long does that stuff last anyway?
As I stated before, an arranged marriage would not be something I'd have wanted for myself, but I just can not condemn the practice.

05-29-03, 06:03 PM
clarebear
Quote by MrsS: "Couples from very different backgrounds often have a much harder time adapting to the daily reality of being married."


In India they still have a caste system. My friend married from within her own caste. Her parents didn't arrange her marriage until she was 21. She had to be married or her younger sister couldn't marry. She just had a baby girl and is very happy. It seems to be working for her.

05-29-03, 06:11 PM
puppyblues

quote:

Originally posted by MrsS
It is a largely Western ideal that a marriage is primarily about romantic love... Romantic Love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage....respect, affection, friendship and compatability are, ultimately, more durable. While it is certainly ideal to have your spouse make your heart go pitterpat, that is not a reason to marry. When two people are truly compatable, I believe that love can grow....maybe not the breathless, can't sleep/eat/think kind but how long does that stuff last anyway?

Wow, that is so well said. Sometimes I think you see what I'm thinking, but can't get it out and post it. SmileSmileSmile I love the way you said that, it's so very true.

05-29-03, 06:21 PM
moe257

quote:

Originally posted by juanruiz:
CB brings up an interesting subject. The CBC ran a documentary on a modern Indian couple in Canada that went the arranged marriage route. He a medical resident, she a dentist. About a year later she stabbed him to death.

I think that happen more often in marriages that aren't arranged. guess we all feel a little tempted at times Roll Eyes

05-29-03, 06:29 PM
Leppi
I personally have had a lot of experience with arranged marriages. I think arranged marriages are fine as long as the bride and the groom are given a choice of whether or not they wish to marry. Almost all my friends have or will have arranged marriages, and I myself will probably have an arranged marriage. In my opinion real true love comes after marriage. I believe many times say a girl will meet a guy and fall in love head of heels with him. She thinks that being in love with him is the best thing that ever happened to her. This kind of "love" I believe is temporary. The person is so in love with the person that they don't realize things like how they won't get along, or different problems they have in their relationship. Yes, I do agree that sometimes the marriage is a correct one, but many times the marriage is more of an infatuation more then true love. Those kinds of marriages don't last. From what I have seen of arranged marriages, they are all throughout, well planned decisions. The arrangements are all made by parents who truly love their children and want them to have the best possible thing in their life. And if the kid does not want to marry the person then they don’t. In an arrange marriage you come to love the real true person, not a make believe fantasy of a person you imagined. You get to know the person really well, and your love of the person is of the person’s true nature. On the other hand, a gal might meet a cute looking guy and think his personality matches his looks. Many times they don’t and they vary tremendously. They get extremely hurt when they find that the person they loved is really a non existent person. They had made up for themselves their own version of the person’s personality.

05-29-03, 06:45 PM
Leppi
I believe a lot of it also has to do with the persons attitude. A person who grows up with the idea of going into an arranged marriage will have a much easier time then one who doesn't. Many times a person who has an arranged marriage will not be going out and datin all different kinds of guys. While that may be a disadvatge she doesn't have other guys to compare her guy too and therefore thinks her guy is the best and is satisfied.

05-29-03, 07:27 PM
DorianGreyed
Many times the person that one falls in love with is not the person that one thinks. Yet many, and not just teens, make the same mistake over and over. Much of the US has evolved into a sort of Serial Monogamy, and even that is often not really a faithful relationship. Surely an arranged marriage, as stated by Yafa and MrsS (above), has at least as good a chance as one decided on by immature people or any age. I have seen too many adults who really didn't know their own mind, changing it as if on a whim. I would like to see the statistics on the divorce rates of Arranged Marriages, and those of Cultures in which it is a traditional way of life.

05-29-03, 07:44 PM
clarebear
Excellent post Yafa! Smile

05-29-03, 08:20 PM
honilov
I still say that if there's no love, there shouldn't be any marriage. How many of you can truly say that you want someone to arrange a marriage for you, to a person that you have no feelings for? Did you ever see the movie, 'Coming To America'? That has to be the way it is in real life. When you actually fall in love for real, it's too late....unless you want to get the mighty 'divorce' that people keep talking about.

Any marriage deserves love.

05-29-03, 09:35 PM
Leppi
I totally agree Honilov that marriage should have love. The question is, in what order does the love come?

05-29-03, 09:46 PM
Sherasi
When I married Sagus, I had a strong affection for him, but I did not "LOVE" him. I had a lot of respect for him, and we had similar goals and values. We were not an arranged marriage, but neither of us had had a lot of dating or relationships. We were almost "virginal" really in our emotional status.

Since our marriage, I have developed stronger and deeper feelings and now love him very much. We know each other VERY well. We have a whole lot of problems in our life with my (former) cancer, 2 disabled children and many other issues. We have the same belief system and the same values.

Where he is weak, I am strong and vice versa.

I believe arranged marriages (between 2 consenting people) can be a stronger more stable marriage than "falling in love" couples because there are no "romantic love" expectations involved. They have to work harder to develop a respect and a mutual relationship. Love is not limited to your "one true".. most anyone can develop love for someone they respect and value.

05-29-03, 09:49 PM
honilov
Marriage
Yafa, I think loves comes first, because that way, you know you got love. Just because you marry someone, doesn't mean that you will fall in love with them later. You'd probably end up hating them, instead. Your wedding night is supposed to be something that you'll cherish forever. I know...I've been there, done that.
How can you cherish a loveless wedding night?

05-29-03, 10:56 PM
ic7901

quote:

Originally posted by juanruiz:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by clarebear:
He a medical resident, she a dentist. About a year later she stabbed him to death.

intriguing. down here in houston, texas, the female dentist's weapon was her mercedes suv.

i am thinking an arranged marriage might be ok; i would be hesitant if the bride to be was a dentist.

05-30-03, 02:07 AM
niccincoogol
Dumb, dumb, dumb. Goes against all the fundamentals of a "loving relationship". Who the h_ll are you getting hooked up with? Who is he? Does he know me? Would he be a good father? Will he beat the cr_p out of me? Sick and extreme, yes, but seriously, should you NOT ask these questions before getting locked into an arranged marriage? The whole idea of arranged marriages is barbaric, outdated, inhumane, and a few million other adjectives not popping into my Rolling-Rock-distorted mind right now.......

05-30-03, 02:50 AM
SeattleRon
i wasn't gonna post until i saw something i thought was subject to a post. Personally Arranged marriages are. We lets just say I personally don't believe in arranged marriages. This is beyond religion for myself. I believe marriage is a sacred bond shared by two mutual agreeing parties, I can't believe I'm saying this, but between man and woman, man and man, or woman and woman.

I"m not a homosexual or anything nor do I have anything against it. Thats just howe I feel. You can't just be told who you are going to marry. You must cherish, love and care for the person you are about to spend the rest of your life with.
Marriage can't be arranged, it must be formed.....

05-30-03, 09:28 AM
MrsS
Ron, I never would have guessed that you had such a romantic streak! Nice reply, well worded...thanks for the input.
Actually, nearly every reply here has been great, thank you all for making it an interestng discussion!

05-30-03, 10:22 AM
gatman

quote:

Originally posted by MrsS:
It is a largely Western ideal that a marriage is primarily about romantic love... Romantic Love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage....respect, affection, friendship and compatability are, ultimately, more durable. While it is certainly ideal to have your spouse make your heart go pitterpat, that is not a reason to marry. When two people are truly compatable, I believe that love can grow....maybe not the breathless, can't sleep/eat/think kind but how long does that stuff last anyway?

Is respect, affection, friendship, or compatability love? I think not. Those are lesser things. A pitter patter based marriage is a lust based or immature based marriage. Neither are those love based. A marriage based on respect etc. is settling for convenience. Might as well have a roommate, a friend with privileges. When there is true love it can last a lifetime of makng your heart skip beats.

True love comes from truely knowing yourself and your partner. Something our culture avoids with all the advertising and what you is supposed to be rubbish. Many people fall all over themselves trying to be this or that image and lose themselves. They also present a false image to others so no one knows anyone.

Falling head over heels is the infatuation stage of love or lust. That is true whether it is infatuation with the image or the real person. Knowing each other takes time.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Yafa:
"... she doesn't have other guys to compare her guy too and therefore thinks her guy is the best and is satisfied."

Ignorance is bliss? Only if you really know each other and have true love will you know that your partner is the best. Sex is about the olympic scorecards - he/she is a 8.4 on technique, a 9.2 on artistic style. Love goes beyond that to your heart. That is satisfaction off the scoreboard.

05-30-03, 02:21 PM
dogspit
I hardly feel qualified to judge anyone's reasons for marriage. I arried for love, and 5½ years later divorced somebody who was not my friend. I still loved her, but it was that emotional connection which likely blinded me to how little we had in common. I can say that I would accept an arranged marriage for myself, because I believe in the concept of marriage as a growing partnership. Marriage requires work and a certain amount of belief that it is worth that work. Love is wonderful, but is no guarantee of a successful or happy marriage.

05-30-03, 04:51 PM
clarebear
That's true dawg. You can love someone but not like them.
I loved my ex but I did not like him. I didn't respect him and he wasn't my friend. I believe that a good marriage is based on connecting, growing, experiencing, compatibility, loyalty, commitment, trust, communication, friendship and teamwork.
One more thing, if I ever do get married again, it will be with someone I can have a great conversation with. At some point in our relationship, that is all we will have left. Smile

05-30-03, 05:13 PM
mattlynda
for myself, an arranged marriage would not work.
when i met matt, i knew, in that instant, that we would be together forever. (yes, cheesy and sappy but thats me).
there was no pitter patter, no 'butterflies'. it was not lust, and it wasnt really love.
it was a sense of awe, joy and comfort all in one. it was looking at my soulmate.
the first night we spent together( after a couple of months of him being really shy and nervous, and me loving that fact), he told me he loved me, and i said it back. i had never said that to anyone, and it just felt right.
now i get the occasional pitter patter, but mostly its just a feeling of pure happiness, comfort, and fundemental joy. he truly is the only reason for me being here, and has helped me through many many hard times when i truly wanted to give up and end it all.
if i had been married to anyone else, i most likely would have walked out after a month.
i could not marry anyone who is not my soulmate.
for others, it may be different.
some get married to have a comfortable home, or for the companionship.
to each their own. if it works for you, it works. if it dosent, it wont.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,