My neighbor has been losing his memory due to sickness and medication...Is it best to correct him when he gets a fact or date messed up or to go along with it? The reason I ask is because the other day he asked me how my mom was and I told him "remember, she died already." He got really sad and cried and said how much he had liked her....I don't want him to have to "re-live" sad events like that...should I have just said she was fine and changed the subject? Thanks! ******************************************************8 05-25-05, 01:06 PM Georgia85 Kitty, that has to be a difficult situation for him to experience and it is great that you are aware of his emotions and want to learn how to better get along with him. Always remember that he should be treated with respect and dignity because a person who suffers from dementia feels vulnerable and needs support and reassurance.
You certainly are on the right track asking about dealing with facts. When talking to a person with dementia it is more important to focus on their feelings than to focus on facts. Also never change the subject but rather reassure them. In the example with your mother he obviously felt highly of her. So if in the future he asks about her again you could always respond with "she always has a good word to say about you" and leave it at that.
I found some great sites that you might enjoy reading:
Learning how to talk to a person with dementia. Dementia - Communication Issues Alzheimer's Association: Communicating with the Dementia Patient
05-25-05, 01:33 PM shelster Kitty, kudos to you because most people seem to not care when it comes to people with dementia. Unfortunately I don't think there is a 'right' answer here. (Although, Georgia's answer was awesome). So much depends on variables, like his personality, the mood he is in that day (how many of us could say that we always want the truth, no matter what?).
You have to go with your gut on things like this. There are times when letting him go on the lack of memory could be dangerous too...ie: if he forgets that he no longer has a driver's license hypothetically.
Take each conversation as a seperate event and go with your gut on it. You'll handle it fine. Remember, sometimes the sadness will be due to him being frustrated over forgetting. When someone knows they have lost a memory, it can be very frightening.
Being there is the most important thing. Lend a shoulder when he has to come to terms with something.
05-25-05, 01:41 PM kittypal Thanks so much guys, I put those sites in favorite so I can keep them handy. He's such a kind man and the other day like I said he got upset because it was like hin hearing for the first time she died and then he was uspet and embarrassed that he forgot..I felt bad for him and told him not to be embarrassed, that we all forget things. Thanks again!!
05-25-05, 02:11 PM Georgia85 Glad we could help Smile
05-25-05, 05:50 PM Fritzzs "WHITE LIES" never lie.....
05-26-05, 02:30 PM Lucy
quote: Originally posted by Fritzzs: "WHITE LIES" never lie.....
Very true. You have to follow your instinct and see when it`s appropriate to lie and when it`s not. I admire you for your dedication.
05-30-05, 05:46 PM kittypal Thanks guys for your answers. He passed away this morning from organ failure. Frown
05-31-05, 02:54 AM Silja I am so sorry to hear that kitty. Hopefully he is at peace now, and you have grown through your association with him.
05-31-05, 04:06 AM clarebear What a loss. Frown You and your mom were very good neighbors to him. Even in a vulnerable state, when his defenses were down, he remembered how kind she was. That is so sincere and touching.
05-31-05, 05:47 AM shelster Wow Kitty
I am so sorry.
05-31-05, 05:42 PM ilse72 Kitty, I am so sorry for you loss. Just remember that you brought lots of happiness to your neighbor. I am sure he appreciated your mom and you very much.
05-31-05, 11:26 PM Georgia85 I'm sorry to hear that Kitty....maybe he's telling your mother what a wonderful daughter she raised.... Smile 06-01-05, 01:23 AM
babthrower Georgia85 said:
" So if in the future he asks about her again you could always respond with "she always has a good word to say about you" and leave it at that."
Very good advice. You make no false statement, and your words may even comfort your friend. I see no great value in literal truth if it serves no purpose. Telling him over and over that she has died, and seeing him grieve afresh each time, is absurd.
Your friend has died. The dilemma has ended, with respect to him. But it will happen again, as we deal with people who are getting very forgetful. We need not put them, and ourselves, through unnecessary sadness. Who does it benefit, if we do?
06-01-05, 11:31 AM kittypal Thanks so much everyone....He had a beautiful funeral, all 7 brothers of his are preists and his one sister is a nun. I know he is at peace now and no longer suffering.
06-16-05, 02:31 PM Sherasi Kitty, I think that the advice that you were given about how to manage the Memory Loss was terrific and would be totally suitable for any future encounters you may have also.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend and my heart goes out to you and his family.
There used to be a focus on truthful reorienting of persons who had dementia and memory loss... but I can't think of many things more cruel than "Your mother is dead" reminders 30 times a day for 15 years and each time the loss is fresh and new and agonizing. Thankfully, that is not the way most places manage these poor souls now-a-days.
You are to be commended for your thoughtfulness and compassion.
06-30-05, 05:43 PM kittypal Yes sher, thanks!!!
I remember years ago when I was in school a friends grandad who lived with them kept thinking his daughter-in-law was his daughter who was dead....and they told him that pretty much constantly...of course he would get all distressed...personally I would have just either said she wasn't here right now (totally true ) or just went with it and said nothing.
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