My oldest sister has always been a very sweet-tempered, gentle person. I sent her a card on her eighty-second birthday and got back a thank-you letter, but in it she made some bitter remarks about our brother whom I love, to whom I'm grateful for what he has done for his family (including the sister), and who has never done her any harm that I know of. (She was seventeen when he was born.)

I phoned her and found that she seems quite lucid. Again she initiated remarks about him and his wife, and described them as 'sons of b*****s'. I have never heard her swear in my whole life.

This made me so sad that I cried afterwards. I haven't cried in so many years I can't remember the last time.

I wrote her a letter on May 17th saying that it is too late in our lives to even think about such bitter things. I told her how much her words hurt me. I reminded her that my brother was proverbial in our home town for his generosity. I reminded of the goodness he had shown to all of us. I asked her to please never mention his name, his wife's name, or the name of a third party whose bitter tales my sister sometimes repeats to me -- and who is probably behind all this, as a matter of fact.

I have heard nothing since. Clearly she has decided that if I won't listen to these things she doesn't want to talk to me.

I don't want to push myself on her. I'm not sure what to do. Anybody had a similar experience, who can advise me?

Babs; I don't know that I can advise you, but I have had a similar experience some years ago with my wife's mother. She had always been a very kind and gentle person and was loved by many people in her hometown, friends and relatives as well as neighbors. When she was about 82 years old she went to live with her cousin and his wife. Shortly after moving in she began to complain to my wife that they were stealing from her, but on several occasions my wife would find money that she had hidden in strange places, like under the rug, or in he refrigerator. But even when she was shown that her accusations were unjust she would insist that they were cheating her or stealing from her. She also began to spread malicious lies about her cousin and his wife in the neighborhood. Eventually it became necessary to put her in a nursing home where she lived for another couple of years, gradually reaching the point where she didn't recognize her daughter. She died of Alzheimers. If I sometimes accuse you unjustly of something, just remember, I'm your older sister's age.

That was my suspicion. To behave so uncharacteristically can be a sign of mental disease.

If that is the case then I think it might be best if I just leave her alone. She might not have replied because she forgot about the letter, and contacting her again might just bring it back and make her worse.

Two of her sons predeceased her, and I know that left her bitter. I suspected they had been exposed to Agent Orange or some such when they were in VietNam because in one case, her son aged 51 just sickened and died over a period of months. All tests including for HIV, heart disease, etc., came back negative. The doctor had to write heart disease on the death certificate because all he knew was that the man's heart stopped. The second son had cancer of the jaw, survived that, then died of heart disease at age 52. Her two children who were not in Vietnam are alive.

Babthrower, it definitely sounds like a true sign of old age. I've seen it happen with my mother in law. I've also heard people that work in nursing homes say how hateful the older people are. I think you should try not to get upset about it, and dwell on the good things about her past.

LOL Frank, you are one of the sharpest-minded members that we have here. A lot of the younger ones could take a tip from you.

honilov says:

"I think you should try not to get upset about it, and dwell on the good things about her past."

Very good advice, I think. I don't want to become angry and bitter myself, so out of self-preservation I think I will let it go. She was once lovely. I hope her remaining years will be mostly peaceful.

Thank you both so much. I was lucky to get responses from two such generous and kindly people.

Just in case you both didn't suspect it; the main reason I'm here at AP is because I think it may help postpone senility.

I seem to remember I had a good reason, too, but I can't recall it just at the moment.

A character change like this or a sudden taking of a surprising attitude is a feature of old age in many people and is a sign of mental decline with age.

Near here a friend was astonished when her brother not only became delusional about his possessions but started to swear persistently and then became unaccountably threatening towards outsiders. He had never been violent or sworn openly in the previous eighty plus years of his life. The woman herself is a professional carer for old people, so was better equipped than most of us would be, but still reflects that she never thought it would happen to her placid brother. She had seen it often enough in others.

So just accept it as best you can. The person may well forget what they did or said, in any case .

I just wish she were more at peace.

I will ask my oldest daughter to tell me when she begins to see signs in me. I'll tell her that the reason I want to know is so that I can get my affairs in order. I think then I'll just take some pills. I don't want to end up that way. I'll have to leave a note, though, otherwise my daughter might blame herself for telling me.

Moral: Don't get old.

When I was a kid (about 16) our very nice neighbor lady started to show signs of the same thing. It was very disturbing because she would stand in the front lawn and tell me how her husband was cheating on her, beating her, and basically making her miserable. She was so convincing, but when I talked to my parents about it, they assured me that our neighbor was not being abused but just suffering from a blockage in her artery to her brain.

She died a few years later and all the time assured us that her husband was a "son of a *****"... very upsetting for everyone involved, but I guess it was probably better for her to have someone to talk to than not. We all listened and told her that we'd be around if she needed anything.

Luckily the husband recovered from the situation and is now remarried and happy again... it was a really hard thing to live through I'm sure.