I was hoping someone could maybe help me figure out what all this means. I had my first love die 2 years ago unexpectedly while i was out of town. we had been broken up for at least 15 years but have remained close over the years. He always seems to be happy but he never speaks. I know he is dead in the dreams and he just smiles at me, touches me and i can literally feel it. I will wake up in a cold sweat and I try to go back to sleep to try to finish the dream but I never can. I probably dream of him once or twice a month. Any advice would be appreciated or am I just nuts.

A person's first love is very special, someone that will always be remembered. The fact that you remained close is the key to understanding your dream. Generally, people look at their first love as (at least) unresolved business, and remaining close friends means that there was no final closure. His death put an end to any final resolution or closure. Your mind is telling you that things are OK, that life and death are part of our existence, and that it is good to let go and to go. And your mind is using someone close to you to give you that information.

To add to all that, the death of one's first love is another reminder of aging, of the passage of time, and it brings up memories of a past, one with much fewer worries and responsibilities, a carefree time for most of us, and a time that many of us like to mentally escape to now and then. Bittersweet memories can be the most hurtful, because we generally remember the best, and build it up, and then we think of what might have been, and those memories are always rosy.

If you are near 40, you are already thinking of the past, if you are like most of us, and his death just feeds those thoughts. Try to focus on what you have now, things that would not be there had you made different choices. Look back on all the years of your life, your childhood (when waiting a day for something was like an eternity), your teens (when waiting until Friday night was an eternity), your 20s and 30s. Now realize that, in all likelihood, you have that same amount of time left in your future, probably a bit more. Live your life, not your past.