When going to a funeral or memorial service of a suicide, how does one console without being tacky about it?

Saying "I'm sorry" is so weak, yet saying "He was a good man." leaves an unsaid "but..."

I am wracking my head for the "right" words that don't come off sounding judgmental, critical, accusing or insincere.

Are there any meaningful words that can be said which comfort and not leave a huge unspoken "thing" in the air? Without leaving the family feeling as if they are accused or standing in front of a firing squad, or without leaving the impression that one is "judging" the deceased?

David

"I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm here if you ever need anything".

That's what I would say.

Remember that suicide leaves family and friends with many could of- would of- should of feelings and many times people blame themselves. It is devastating.

I would say:

"There is nothing anyone could have done."

That is meaningful and sincere without judgment. It is truly the most comforting thing you can say.

You don't always have to say anything. A sincere look while holding someone's hand for a minute or giving a hug is sometimes enough.

Just a quick suggestion, for any funeral, not just this situation. People hear "Call if you need anything..." or similar all the time. If you don't know that person extremely well, they will never call. They never do.

It is better, and more helpful (if you really do mean it) to make suggestions. A person racked with grief won't be able to remember who offered their help from one day to the next. Something that would really be helpful would be to offer something specifically..such as "Could I make a few meals for you...?" "Would you like the kids to come over for a few hours so you can have some alone time" or whatever is appropriate.

Then you call and follow up. It takes too much energy for the bereaved to actually make that phone call and ask for help.

In general, and from past experience, my two cents worth.

Those are good suggestions Clare and Shel.

"I'm here if you ever need anything"

I would say that to someone who was very close to me. I would also call myself.

quote:

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Originally posted by clarebear:
I would also call myself.

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Well I tried to call myself, and I keep getting my voice mail box. Each time I try to reply to my voice mail box I get the voice mail again. I can't seem to catch myself on the phone. I should really get off the phone so I can get a call from myself!

Hey Thanks for the smile - I loved it! though I understood what you meant.

David

Ps Thanks all for your replies.

A card would be nice too. Get the kind that is blank in the middle so you can write your own message:

I just wanted you to know that if you need anything I'm here. Please don't hesitate to call. (Insert phone number).

~David~

I guess this is a little ex-post-facto, but...
I think a hug and a simple "I'm so sorry" would be good.
Then, take the conversation as it comes, responding to what the bereaved has to say. Just be sincere.
I think it's also good to ask the mourner how he/she is doing.

For me personally, there are phrases that I absolutely hate to hear, no matter how true: The main one is "At least he/she didn't suffer." (Though that's probably not apropos in this case.) When my father died suddenly of a heart attack, I heard that said so much that I wanted to scream!
"Call me/I'm here for you" is said so much too - but it can be a good thing, if you actually intend to follow through on it.