Hi, I'm just after some advice really.

My mother lost her husband at the weekend quite unexpectedly after losing her sister the week previously. She is currently sorting arrangements for the funeral with my brother. Given timescales for getting cert of death etc, the funeral isn't likely to take place for at least another week or two.

I feel pretty bad asking this but, I'm due to fly out to Portugal with my girlfriend and her family next Thursday for two weeks. The funeral will fall probably towards the end of the first week I'm there. Now, my girlfriends family have said not to worry about getting back, they'll sort it but I really don't like the idea of them paying my return flights and transport to and from the airport. It's too costly for me to do myself. Speaking to my mum tonight she says she understands if I can't make it back due to costs etc (likely to be in excess of £300) but I'm torn as to what to do.

Of course I want to be there for her but is it fair to have my girlfriends family paying to get me here and back to Portugal? I know they've offered but it seems too much. I really can't afford to get back myself.

Just some opinions would be good please. Cheers.

Dinosore,

Your mother just lost her husband and her sister. Whether she tells you or not, she needs you right now. I've never heard of it taking 2 weeks for a funeral. That seems like a really long time. If I was in that situation I would either skip the trip to Portugal this time or shorten my visit to a week. I don't think it would be proper for your girlfriends parents to foot the bill back and forth. I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

I'm very sorry for your losses and your mother's, and almost as sorry to have to say what I'm about to say....
You can't go to Portugal.
You simply can't.
A death in the family takes precedence over ANY holiday and you must stay and do whatever you are able to do to help your mum through this horrendous double whammy.
I gather that you were not terribly close to either your aunt or your stepfather, but that does not matter. What does matter is that you not put your mom in the unspeakable position of explaining to family and friends that you're on holiday with your girlfriend and her family at a moment when you should be with yours.
Now, go ring your brother and ask what you can do to help.... There are flowers to be arranged for, notes of appreciation to be written, phone calls to be made and answered you simply mustn't let all those details fall to your mum and your brother, no matter how capable they are....whether they've said it or not, they need you to at least make the offer.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: MrsS,

I agree with Clare and MrsS, two of AP's best in areas like this.

Portugal will always be there. Family needs come first, and you are needed, whether you realize it or not.

Sorry to hear of your family’s losses.

Funerals, although unwanted are a necessary part of life – they help the living to adjust, adapt morn and move on.

Obviously your relationship with your mother’s sister (your Aunt) and her husband (your step-father?) were cool, thus you do not personally need the closure of funeral. However your mum may need that closure and most likely want her family with her through this hour of sorrow.

Although she says she understands, I will assume she is a gentle lady who bows to curtsey and manners and only says these things but may actually have stronger, opposing feelings such as desire to have all of her family around her through this unwanted but necessary time.

Thanks everyone. I'll be at the funeral. I appreciate everyones honest opinions.