Finances are in order, enough insurance to cover the costs of death plus enough left over to cover the cost of survivors.

Legal contracts to protect my estate and to insure that my assets and belongings go to those who I want things to go to is done.

The ceremony, the funeral itself is the biggest project left unplanned.

I know that funerals are for the living not the guest of honor. With that in mind I have broached the subject with family members and have discovered that there are many beliefs and "needs" to take into consideration. It appears that there is good reason why religion is not discussed in the family, We have Catholic (Pre-Vatican 2 beliefs only, please) Jehovah Witnesses, Methodists, Agnostics and Pagans all with their very set and deeply held beliefs on how a body is to be disposed of to insure that the soul makes it to the right place.

There is argument over the virtues of hermetically sealed metal caskets over the simple pine box. Then there is a problem with a secular service where a man not of the cloth runs the service.

Going to a few mortuaries I find that my taste for the simple is somehow hurtful to the survivors and I swear my attention is being drawn to the extravagant caskets, services and trappings. And I am constantly asked "how much have you set aside" and my answer of "enough" isn't good enough, they want cold hard numbers and of course since we are talking 6 digits their eyes widen and brighten and their breath quickens as they attempt to relay to me the importance of spending more on a funeral so the living will grieve better or harder or more or something. Not really helpful, more of a money making business than I recall from earlier periods of funeral making.

Flowers, Music, Box, speeches, seating arraignments, limo, hearse, days of viewing, time of viewing, outfit for me to wear, In house service, graveside service, who to "hire" to deliver the rites of passage, post funeral party (what dishes to be served, where is it to be held.). Guest speakers (who to deliver the eulogy), pall bearers (I wasn't aware that carrying a casket was such an honor and that guys would clamor to be one of the six). Cemetery (there are so many to choose from) Then selecting the plot inside the memorial gardens (which view do I want?) - selecting a vault, or do I want to be above ground instead of in the earth?

I have made funeral arrangements for others in the past - it was last minute, shot off the cuff kind of thing yet is was easier to do than planning my own funeral.

No it is not a process of what I want - because I don't care. See I know that once I croak its over with - the funeral doesn't matter to me - I do not care if the body is burnt, buried or boiled down or thrown into the compost heap.

Any suggestions on easing this process and meeting the needs of the survivors would be greatly appreciated.

If this is for your own funeral and you intend to plan it yourself then how can the others be upset with your arrangements. You aren't a child planning a funeral but a grown man.

It just seems very simple to me. While survivors must be taken into consideration when planning the unexpected funeral of someone, it seems you should have a carte blanche in planning your own as long as you aren't totally outrageous.

What do you want?

My husband and I have living wills. We explain to our survivors that we only want to be remembered in thier hearts, and that we want cremation in the 'cardboard box' type of casket because, as nature lovers, we can't stand to think that a beautiful tree loses its life so that our bodies will be classily encased for the very brief time between the death and the cremation. Also any hardware and plastic and varnish on the caskets would contribute to air pollution when it is burned.

(Someone is bound to point out that the casket can be removed before the remains go into the crematorium. In fact it happens fairly often, I'm told, even without the survivors' knowledge. Very profitable recycling!)

Anyhow, we think that this explanation will help offset any 'survivor guilt' that is instilled by funeral parlor operators in the interest of prying more money out of the heirs.

The survivors can take comfort in the fact that we're doing it our way, consistent with our long-held beliefs.

We've also specified no embalming, for the same anti-air-pollution reason.

Even people who opt for burial should consider no embalming. The toxins that delay corruption are horrible for the environment, and find their way into the ground water eventually. And the hermetically-sealed-embalmed metal-encased body does not escape corruption.

The local Memorial Society can give you some help, maybe.

Oh, Darling... This is among the touchiest issues around (You know there a lot I want to say here, but in respect for your stated wishes....)
And THAT is what those you'll leave behind should be aiming for... Funerals are for the living, but should follow the known wishes of the "guest of honor"... ignore salespeople who try to steer you to costly trappings if such are not to your taste (Complain to supervisors, if you feel really pressed and feel up to a small scene) and quietly tell pushing loved ones how much you are touched by their belief that "The best isn't good enough for you" but that the simpler arrangments and accessories better reflect how you wish to go out.
Select clothes you'd have worn for any dressy event... It is almost unendurable during a viewing to see your departed loved one looking completely unlike themselves.
Seating arrangements are not your problem ...every civilized person knows where they should sit, family up front, friends in order of intimacy, people who bring infants and toddlers on aisles or near exits... almost exactly the same as at a wedding, except that it does not matter who sits on which side of the center aisle. Pallbearers may also be asked to serve as ushers if you think it would be helpful...
Pallbearers- Yes, it is a huge honour to be asked to perform this duty and you may select up to 12- 6 to actually bear the casket and 6 "honorary pallbearers", who will walk with the pall bearers but not actually carry anything...except perhaps floral arrangements that will be placed at the graveside during the internment. The pall bearers should be of similar height and strength because of the very practical issues involved when 6 people are carrying a large, heavy, somewhat awkward item... the chances for a truly memorable event are reduced if the people are of similar stature (sorry, my black sense of humour creeps in sometimes).
In the matter of diverse faiths being considered...Since you don't seem terribly interested in that aspect,if your partner has strong feelings about what should prevail, yield to that... next in order of priority would be the wishes of your immediate relatives.
Anyone else can pretty much deal with whatever is decided... and keep in mind that one of the great distractions for the grieving is to bitch and moan about what was wrong with the service, believe it or not.... or you can have some nice Unitarian deliver a broad, inclusive service and then turn the mic over to whomever wishes to say a few words.
The music should ideally be a mix of what you actually listen to and what will comfort the mourners.. if there is a hymn that has special meaning for you, by all means ask for its inclusion and provide the sheet music or a recording of a rendition you like.(My own music will include Jackson Browne's "For a Dancer", The Grateful Dead's "Ripple" and Warren Zevon's "Keep me in Your Heart for a While"... I love my mother in law too much to include the Ramones, but if I outlive her....)
While arranging for transportation is not unusual, it is also not expected and if you don't feel like dealing with it, don't... it really does help at such times to have practical matters to focus the mind on and your survivors won't object (and if they do, you won't have to hear about it).
The luncheon is something I would recommend leaving to the living, except for perhaps specifying a favorite dish or two... You will hurt someone badly no matter what you decide, and again, it is a comfort to the survivors to have something to actually do.

(And you know better than to put flesh in a compost heap! Vegetable matter only!... OK... and eggshells)

Everyone:Forgive me if any of the above seemed flippant or uncaring... I've done this too many times and this particular service will be a matter of great pain when the time comes.

The funeral is for the benefit of the survivors and if they mean anything to you at all, you need to plan a funeral that will help them go through the ritual of grieving and bring everything to a structured finale. They need to feel that everything has been done decently and orderly. This does not mean that you need to spend a fortune. It is the ritual more than anything that is important. Of course you only need to consider the feelings of the nearest and dearest, not everyone.

DD

David, it's your funeral. Plan what you want, taking care to give some measure of comfort to those you love and love you, and screw the rest. Write down everything you want done and don't want done, then see a lawyer about getting it all legal so that no one can interfere with your wishes. Have notarized copies made of whatever the lawyer suggests, and give one to each of the people you care about, and to whatever mortuary you choose. If anyone squawks, tell them that you have hired security to work the door, and that they will have a list of who not to admit. You can also put in your will that anyone not abiding your wishes regarding your funeral gets an embarrassing token amount (whatever is the minimum that the state requires) left to them and that you've set aside money to have your will published in their local newspaper.

There are damn few things in a man's life that he has complete control of, and his own funeral should be one of them.

David, I don't know how far along you are with your funeral planning, but mine were pretty well completed about four years ago. My wife and I have had both advanced directive/living wills and durable power of attorney on file with our primary physicians and Veterans Administaration. Because my wife is a Catholic and I am an atheist we have made arrangements for burial in a Veterans cemetary. A catholic funeral service for her and a military one for me. We have prepaid for everything in order to spare other family members from the trouble.

I don't care for the limitations imposed by a last will and testament. They do not take into account such real-life considerations as order of death, relative affluence or poverty of heirs, etc. We also have no way of predicitng how much we may be able to accumulate or spend on our own behalf. For those reasons I have drawn up a revocable living trust in both our names with our beloved eldest grand-daughter named as successor trustee. Even if either of us as surviving member becomes incompetent, I am confident that my grand-daughter will carry out our wishes juat as we would have.

You can pre-pay for the whole business and the funeral director puts the money in a single premium insurance policy. If one lives long enough, it may even earn a little interst.

quote:

Originally posted by doñadiana:
The funeral is for the benefit of the survivors and if they mean anything to you at all, you need to plan a funeral that will help them go through the ritual of grieving and bring everything to a structured finale. They need to feel that everything has been done decently and orderly.

DD

Well that is the sticky point.... I'm not certain where to draw the lines in this.

The rest of you have given me some food for thought, I will take it all into consideration as I work through this.

What do I want on my TombStone?
Ronchie Tyler Strong
January 28, 1982 - till whenever....
Marble 4 inches thick.
and I quote " Love me when I'm Gone.

My body won't be in there, i want my body to be ashed. at the funeral, everyone is going to get a sack of my ashes. they can do what they wish
with it.

All I ask is these specific songs to play
at my funeral.

Cat Stevens: Wild World
Cat Stevens: Moonshadow
John Lennon: Imagine
Al B Sure: Still In Love
Janis Joplin: Summertime
Janis Joplin: Bye Bye, baby

ONly reason why I care if I die is my friends kids, i'm the godfather, thats it. other than that i don't care.......

quote:

i want my body to be ashed. at the funeral, everyone is going to get a sack of my ashes.

Suggestion, Ron. Instead of a sack, why not some cute souvenir ash-trays.

i figure i want it to be by an ocean so more than likely they can release my ashes into the wind.
but if they choose to keep it, thats cool too.
I suppose it would be kinda funny for them to keep it and take my ashes to parties, and be like, Hey man we're partying with Ron's ashes. He's still partying from beyond the grave,lol.
What would be cool is if one of my girlfriends takes the ashes and puts them into breast implants somehow. lol.
I'm not too concerned about death. I won't be alive to experience it,lol....
PLus my estate ( collection of baseball cards, and ninja turtle toys) are going to charity and family so it's all good.

Yes Frank,
I read Ron's post earlier and was wondering about it.

Ron did you promise people a sack of ashes each? You know..there isn't much left after the big bonfire. People are going to be mighty disappointed if they were expecting sacks, and all they get is tiny ziploc baggies.

However, I will say that I like your choice of music, especially the Cat Stevens. How about adding " Burn Baby Burn" and "Light My Fire" to the repertoire?

Dying isn't cheap!

I recently experienced funeral planning for my grandmother. My 16 year old daughter and I made choices on behalf of my mother, an only child and only heir.

What I saw was a bit astonishing to me, coffins with warrantee. Like we are going to dig up our family and make sure the coffin holds out! Serious!! There really is warrantee on coffins.

My family chose on only family and graveside service. My grandmother made it clear the did not want 'everyone looking at my dead body'.

Obviously, this is a closed coffin funeral with only family, with a catch. It's posted in the newspaper and people do attend that you wouldn't expect.

Dying cost a fortune. The dead don't want this. All they want is a respectable passing. Do any members wish for open casket with your dead body displayed and next day funeral for you loved ones to live through? I doubt it.

Our family owned the grave site, but it cost a grand to bury my grandmother. I also had to choose a grave liner. What is this? Law, I am told. Your family will never see this, so I chose the cheapest, $700 of plain cement. You can get very decorative with this and spend thousands of dollars, but no one will see it.

Caskets aren't exactly inexpensive. I have a preference of 'going back to the earth', meaning biodegradable casket. I was shown a casket made of cardboard costing $750. Are you serious! That is cheap as you get. It's cardboard covered with cloth.

I insisted on a wooden casket for my grandmother. Yes, I did see a pine box. I wouldn't bury my dog in that. Lucky for my mom, steel caskets with a warrantee are much more in demand and a lot more expensive than wooden caskets.

My daughter and I immediately agreed on the wood casket presented to us as something elegant my grandmother would choose for herself and something no one else wants, so the price was ok. The casket was beautiful. It was of low cost at almost $3,000. Believe me, that's cheap for a casket.

Given that my grandmother did not want an open casket, I declined embalming her. No clue how much money that would cost. If I remember correctly, maybe up to $2,000.

Flowers are chosen by family to go on the casket. You cannot save money here. Just pick a color. Friends and family always send flowers. Family only pays for ones that go on the casket.

The service by people of the church does cost you. This is not a free service at all. You have to pay them.

Even if your family owns the grave site, you are going to pay up. It cost $1,000 to open and close an owned grave site. That does not include a burial stone. My mother opted to buy later, so she wouldn't be robbed. All that love my grandmother know where she is.

This cost $8,000. My grandmother was not embalmed. Her casket was not expensive. We requested only a family graveside service.

Funeral pre-plan is much less expensive. My mom's friend had her mother buried, with full blown funeral and grave site service for less than $5,000.

In Pennsylvania, if you choose to NOT be emblamed you need to be buried within 24 hours of pronouncement. You MAY be buried on your own property in a grave of the correct dimensions.. something like 2 feet wide, 6 feet long and 6 feet deep. In or out of a box and i any manner you choose... if you do it within 24 hours of pronouncement. Double check to be sure, these facts areapproximate.
Last Rights of Central Pennsylvania

Do-It-Yourself Last Rights of Pennsylvania

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Sherasi:
.. if you choose to NOT be emblamed /QUOTE]

Emblamed? Sounds exactly what happens in our family. Anyone who dies around us immediately gets emblamed for dying and then everything, past, present and future, that even remotely affects us from our childhood through our characters right on to death duties and quite regardless of any fault of theirs ! It makes us all feel so much better, having someone to emblame (But they don't get any choice in the matter)

Huh! I get emblamed for everything and I'm not even dead yet!

(Sorry, Sher, we couldn't resist! )

Fred and Babs you are very bad! Don't you know this is a serious subject Sher is trying to give advice on.

Fred, after your last post, I don't think I could warm to you even if we were cremated together..you and Babs, on the other hand, could set the world on fire

quote:

What would be cool is if one of my girlfriends takes the ashes and puts them into breast implants somehow. lol.

Ron, this is a serious thread, but that is darn funny.

Gang, I hate to be a spoilsport, but please cut the clowning and stay on the topic.

Death rituals are for the living, not the dead. I cannot respect my father's known wishes. If I had to guess where to put my dad's ashes, it would be in some railroad yard. He never made it clear to us before Alzheimer's set in.

I cannot honor my father's wishes and burn his dead body. I love him too much and want him with and beside me in death. I have family owned grave sites. I don't think he will be upset, given that it means that much to me.

It's about the living, not what you want. I prefer to go to a taxidermist and be stuffed. I don't want to be buried or burned. My kids might not like me around, with exception of Halloween. My son will have a dog big enough to think I am a chew toy. Upon my death, they choose, not me.

It isn't about you! It is about what your family feels comfortable with.