I have a huge problem, as you all have probably already guessed. As most of you know I am about 14 weeks pregnant or so, and I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 and a half months.
Well, we have always had this problem with trust. For example, I would go shopping or something with one of my friends and he would automatically say "Were there any boys?? " Or something to that extent.
Well tonight, me and my mom went out to dinner at this nice steak place, and when I came home he called me and asked where I went and I told him. Then he said of course, "were there any boys?" and I said yes a few, because I have so many hormones that I could care less if he is mad at me. We got into this huge fight about his whole trust thing, and I broke up with him. and he got sad, and whatever. We probably fight about this same issue like twice a week. He doesnt understand what is happening to my body. I know that it is hard for men to get it, but I wish I could get through to him what is happening to me right now.
My mom made me get off the phone because she said that my blood pressure was way to high, and it was bad for the baby.
I guess my question is what should I do about him?? I Mean I love him so much, and he is the father of my child. I just dont know. *********************************************************** 11-03-03, 09:27 PM aminator2002 The huge problem is not on your side Megan. Your boyfriend is too controlling and he needs to stop it... you need to stop putting up with it. You are not doing yourself any good by letting him not trust you. Your relationship will never be right until there is trust in it. If there is no trust you will never be able to make it work and it will just eat at both of you.
My advice is that you take time away from him and get your thoughts together. Do not be silly about this because you need to be smart now. You may love him like crazy, but if your relationship is not good then your baby will not benefit from you being together with him.
Just take your time Megan. If he is a good person then he will work with you to become an adult and a parent, if not then you are better off without him. Let us know how it's going.
11-03-03, 09:35 PM angela-cc I am the mother of a teenage boy (17) and I can tell you that if they are insecure with themselves, they start things for no apparent reason in a relationship. It is like a jealousy trip for them. They get parinoid, so they think by trying to control the girlfriend they can boost their own self esteem. (I am not trying to stereotype really, but I have seen this happen a lot) And in doing so they ruin the relationship by making her life miserable. Oh and this can work both ways. Girls can be this way too. Since he is the father of your child however, I would try and talk to him when it is not an issue. Give him a little space first. Let him think about things without you for a little while. Tell him exactly how you feel about it in a calm manner. Just see how that goes. Oh and your mom is so right. You need to create a soothing atmosphere for the baby. He or she feels what you feel and hears what you hear, or at least that will come very very soon. You don't want to be upset because it will upset the baby and jepordize your pregnancy. Take very good care of yourself. Eat right, excersize, and get a sense of good well being and inner peace. It might not be a bad idea to do some yoga or meditate. I really hope for the very best for you, your baby, and the baby's father. Wink
11-03-03, 11:35 PM Sherasi Unfortunately, controlling boyfriends become controlling (and sometimes abusive) husbands if married.
I knew a young woman your age, her boyfriend was controlling, and everyone in the entire school and town knew it (small farm community). In the end, they did marry after she got pregnant at about 17 and he became a controlling abusive husband.
She put her child at risk because she didn't see the early signs of abuse.
Your ex-boyfriend probably says to you (after fights) "Oh baby, I love you so much, it just hurts me to think you might be interested in another guy" and "I promise I won't get in your face so much next time", etc.
A person who loves you does NOT question you closely with everything you do, who you talk to, what you wear, where you go, etc etc etc. Thing is HE BELIEVES it each time. He DOES regret it, but regret does not make it alright, and does not make it acceptible that he is controlling you and preventing you from doing things you want to do.
In my relationship/marriage with Sagus, each of us can do things alone and we don't question each other in suspicion. If he wants to do something, fine, if we have the money, opportunity and time, go for it. I don't care.
Sagus goes to meet some of the women students to study at the college, he lets me do model photography alone with my ex-fiance because he trusts me... and I trust him.
I understand you love him. I understand he is the father of your child. But I ask you this: When you think of your future, say imagine yourself in 35-45 years from now, can you see your future with him? Is it a picture you are happy with? Is he in a job he is proud of? Can you see a home you and he share with your family?
I had a relationship shortly after my father died. We were engaged to be married, but in my deepest mind and thoughts, I knew he wasn't the one for me. I could not see a clear happy future with him. I was afraid to be alone, I was afraid to not be in a relationship. But, in the end, I made the right choice for me.
Good luck on making YOUR right choice, whatever that is.... only you can make that choice, but you DO have people you can talk to here. Email me if you want to talk more.
Sherasi 11-03-03, 11:39 PM mystery250 I am here for you. If you want to talk, simply email me. I am willing to lend you a helping hand, and give you whatever advice I can.
-Stephen
11-04-03, 12:36 AM samantha Megan everyone here has given you excellent help here. I hope you think very , very serious on this relationship before you get tied into something that is more difficult to get out of than it is now. Be thankful you have such a wise mom to listen to who really cares about what happens to you and your baby. My mom was there in alot of ways but, not in the times I really needed her and it leaves a huge void in your life later. Be happy and enjoy your baby! Smile
11-04-03, 06:29 AM FizzyChip Everyone's given you such good advise Megan, that i really don't have a great deal to add, except to re-iterate that now is the time to sort out what you really want in your life.
People react in different ways to a pregnancy and I feel sure that your boyfriend is acting primarily out of insecurity. It sounds like he is scared.
My husband has some difficulty with trust as his previous girlfriend behaved badly. The only way we're getting through it is patience on my part and self control on his. After 3 years or so together we're only getting through it with a lot of talking and re-assurance.
You can't allow your boyfriend to be so controlling I agree with everyone here that it can only get worse.
You sound like an intelligent person Megan and however you decide to procede I am sure it will be the right choice for you. Don't forget you have your Mum, and all us "poolers" if you ever need a shoulder.
Best of luck and have courage.
xx
11-04-03, 12:21 PM Sherasi Megan, I found some websites that discuss in more detail the situation you are describing.. and how potentially dangerous it is for you.
Early warning Signs of Potential Dating Violence.
There is a Cycle of Abuse that can refer to any sort of controller and abuser.
Early Warning Signs of potential abuse.
If you need to talk, you can email me, perhaps do some Yahoo IMing.
11-04-03, 12:42 PM Lydia Megan, It sounds to me that you are blaming HIS behavior on your hormones - that's just plain wrong!! He is being possessive, overbearing and controlling, think about it - how is this YOUR fault?? Has he been jealous and controlling all along? If you even have to think about your answer, then you have a much larger problem than you think. Yes, he is the father of your child, but he is not your keeper. Unfortunately you are in a situation that you can't change, but you can keep yourself from getting into a situation where you will only allow yourself to be more and more controlled and potentially hurt if he really is exhibiting that behavior.
Good luck and think long and hard about the consequences of your decision.
11-04-03, 12:52 PM Georgia85 Megan, please read and reread every post here. Most of us know about your past history with this guy. And what some of us know that others do not is that he was this suspicious and controlling before you were even pregnant.
I know you think you love him. But controlling people have a way of getting under our skin and making us confuse feelings of being controlled with feelings of love. He has taken on a parental role with his monitoring of your comings and goings and with his interrogations. This is not healthy nor is it normal. And I know you can't see it now but one day it will get to the point where he has totally cut you off from your family and friends and you will be totally reliant on him. Is this the life you want to lead? Are you happy knowing that he doesn't trust you even to the extent of who you send e-mails too? Are you nervous if your daily routine varies even by 5 minutes? Only you can answer these questions. If you answered "no" to the first 2 questions then it is time to re-examine this situation.
Megan, you are young and this might be the first boy you have even thought you were close to being in love with. But believe me, true love comes after you have had a chance to love the woman you will become. You have a few more years to wait but when it comes around it would have been worth it!
Be strong. Stand up for yourself. And believe that you want something better for yourself! Big Grin
11-04-03, 01:12 PM megan_09 Thank you guys for answering all my questions...I have been thinking a lot about what I need and want in the future..but I guess it is just going to take some time for me to figure it all out. Thanx everyone that posted!
11-04-03, 06:25 PM MommyTimesTwo Megan
I just wanted to point out that he doens't have to be your boyfriend to be a father to his child. You two don't have to be together to be parents. Please, please, PLEASE don't think that you two have to be a couple because you have a child. You do NOT have to be with him.
You love him, that's fine, but please take time to consider what it is about him that you love. Do you love the way he acts? The way he treats you? Or do you love him because he loves you? Because that's one of the things that sometimes happens in an abusive relationship: "No one else will lvoe me, he loves me, so I love him". But do you really? Do you love being given the 3rd degree every time you try to have a life? Do you love having him treat your mother badly? Do you want to have him treating you like that for the rest of your life?
Another thing I'd suggest is that you remind yourself continually that now is not forever. You guys can break up now, grow up into the adults you're going to both be, and then IF YOU WANT get back together. It seems very immediate now: you're both very young, and you're pregnant. I know what its like--I was a little older than you are when I got pregnant by my husband, but we'd only been together a very short time (a month) when I got pregnant. We are married now, and we have a good marriage and we love each other.
BUT--we waited more than a year before we got married. Our son was 3 months old at our wedding. We waited to make sure we loved each other, not just that we had a baby together.
If you feel badly enough out this situation to post about it here, then you really need to take a break. Its nearly impossible to look at the sitatuation objectively while you're in it. Its not the soldiers on teh front line that decide what to do next, its the generals sitting way back and watching from a distance.
If I were in your shoes, I'd break it off iwth him except for where it relates solely to the baby. He can be the father without being your boyfriend. And you are FAR too young to make a life decision like who you are going to be with, baby or not.
I do not mean this to be insulting in anyway, because I am sure you and Puppy will do an excellent job raising the baby and that you already love it more than anything, but you've already seen what happens when you make a life decision without thinking it through. You are 17 years old and having a baby that you will have to take care of for the rest of your life. I'm not saying teh child itself is a mistake, because no child is, but the timing surely could have been better, as could the situation. Please don't make the same bad decision process by staying with a guy who treats you like property. @->-
11-04-03, 07:35 PM honilov Megan, a controlling, possessive, jealous person can, and will make your life miserable. It's really not his business if there are boys everywhere you go. It's not fair to even ask you that. Does he think that every guy is gonna drop off the face of the earth, so he will be the only one here. I wonder if there are any girls everywhere he goes. You are already arguing and you haven't even done anything wrong. You are not part of the problem because he is the whole problem. This is something that you really got to decide for yourself and I sure hope you make the right choice. I support you you with whatever choice you make. Good luck.
11-04-03, 08:25 PM megan_09 I thought I would give you all a update. I told him today that he has 2 weeks to change the way that I am treated and if he doesnt then it is over. He said he swore he would change and he didnt think that it was as big of a deal as me leaving him about it, so he said he would. Thanks everyone. Smile
11-05-03, 02:51 AM tsaeb Right on! Love yourself. Love your baby. Love your mother. TRAIN your boyfriend so that 1) he knows that you not only have self-esteem but that you also intend to keep it and that 2) YOU AND THE BABY ARE #1 RIGHT NOW. Flatly apologize by letting him know that you never imagined that he was TOTALLY UNAWARE OF THE SITUATION--that you never loved him for being a dunce. In short, 1) lay down the law and 2) butter him up with a mixture of shock and charm. You can do this, right? Secret: this goes on every day. If the only thing which you achieve at first is some space, this is the beginning of something big. Why? You both need to grow up, but he needs to do so more than you. Amen.
Afterthought: Is there any chance that you can enlist his mother to have an interest in this baby? He would spin, spin, spin!
[This message was edited by tsaeb on 11-05-03 at 03:00 AM.]
11-05-03, 08:08 AM Georgia85 Megan - I truely hope what you say is true. But keep this analogy in mind:
A Leopard Can't Change His Spots
A classic line in an abusive relationship is "I won't ever do it again"
11-05-03, 08:42 AM Lydia
quote:Originally posted by megan_09: I thought I would give you all a update. I told him today that he has 2 weeks to change the way that I am treated and if he doesnt then it is over. He said he swore he would change and he didnt think that it was as big of a deal as me leaving him about it, so he said he would. Thanks everyone. Smile
So what happens when he pretends to change for you for the next two weeks and then he can't stand to pretend to be something he's not anymore. If he is controlling, jealous and easily irritated, this is NOT going to change. He is what he is...expecting someone to change because you gave him an ultimatum is setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.
Georgia is right...he will forever tell you that he will never do it again. You need to determine if he says this simply because he has to or because he actually will.
11-05-03, 11:48 AM megan_09 Ts, His family does have an iterest in the baby...His family is getting excited just like mine. Trust me..Smile
11-05-03, 12:00 PM Georgia85 Well good Megan...then they can help foot the bill! As should he. You know whether you end up with this guy or not he is financially responsible for some monetary restitution.
11-05-03, 01:43 PM clarebear Megan
Welcome to reality. There is nothing that can change what has happened so there really isn't any use in lecturing you. What is done is done. Your main focus now is that baby. It is your responsibility to make sure that baby is in a safe and loving environment. You have a responsibility to that child to keep him/her safe. That is your job. Your baby did not ask to be brought into this world. It is up to you to make sure your baby grows up in a healthy environment. If you have a little girl are you going to want to teach your daughter that it is ok to be in an abusive relationship? Of course not. What will you do once he starts yelling at your baby? What happens when you are stuck at home with the baby and he won't let you call your mom or leave? Can you imagine arguing and fighting and having him not let you leave? What happens when it starts to get physical? Are you going to let him treat your baby that way? Are you going to let your baby see you get treated that way? This isn't about what you want anymore. You love this guy who treats you like dirt, doesn't trust you and is controlling. I'm not trying to be hard on you Megan. You just need to see the whole picture. Your mom will help you through this so you are never going to be alone. Don't feel like you HAVE to stay with him just because he is the father of your baby. I read somewhere that there are 3 types of marriages. A marriage based on lust lasts about 3 years. A marriage based on love lasts about 7 years. A marriage based on respect, common core values and a true soul to soul connection will last a lifetime. My ex was very controlling and I always thought he would change. He always promised he would. They always do. It takes a real man to be a father. Anyone can be a sperm donor. Megan, you are a smart girl. I have known you for a long time. You know as well as I do that you deserve better. Your baby deserves better. I know a few women who had a husband leave them at home with no car, no phone, no friends, no family and a baby. That is where control leads to. Abusive men want to get you away from your family and friends. they usually succeed. The choices you make today will effect the rest of your life and the life of your baby. Stay close to your mom always. She is there for you. Know it!
11-05-03, 02:34 PM babthrower There is so much good advice here that you should make a file of these posts and save them to re-read in times to come, no matter what decision you make about your boyfriend.
The trouble is you're both too young to be parents. You both have issues about getting along together that can be challenging to people a lot older than you are. People need some maturing time before they become parents.
You can't scold people into maturity, and you can't scare them into it. If you could, there would be no drunk driving deaths, no abusive spouses and parents. You have to want to mature.
This is the sign to look for in your boyfriend. Not verbal expressions, but behavior expressions. Both you and he need to become the kind of people who can put the baby's needs, and each other's needs, equal (and sometimes before) your own needs.
You know the things that make teens mad at their parents? Things like nagging: clean your room, do your homework, spend time with quality friends (not just hanging-out-with friends)?
Well, these are the things a teen aged couple say to each other when they live together (married or not). She doesn't want him leaving his dirty clothes all over for him to pick up. If he has a job and she's at home, he wants her to clean and tidy up the place where they live. If she's the one who works, she wants to come home to a clean and tidy place, too. If they both go to school, they need a well-organized place to live so that they can do well with their school work.
It's reasonable (and not over-controlling) if he wants her to go out with friends he trusts will not lead her into irresponsible behavior. She would want him to go out with 'good' friends, too, so she would understand his attitude.
If they are trying to mature, they pay attention to the 'nagging', realizing that when a baby comes, you have to take care of the environment you're putting that baby into. You have to avoid drugs and alcohol, which can make the environment dangerous for the baby.
But if they are not trying to mature, they resent the other's 'nagging', just as they resented their parents' nagging. Then they resort to the most immature behavior of all: blaming each other for all the problems.
"I would stay home but you nag all the time." "The baby is you're fault. You should have been careful." "My life is ruined. I wanted to be a teen and have fun. Now I feel like an old person because I can't go out whenever I want. It's your fault." "Take out the garbage? You sound just like my father."
So unless you both want to be mature, it's best to live with your family. And try to understand your parents. They didn't ask for another baby at their age. But now that it's on the way, they want the best outcome for everyone. Work with them.
11-05-03, 04:55 PM megan_09 Babthrower,
I am working with my parents, and his parents. As for us not being mature, I am probably one of the most mature 17 year olds that you will ever meet. I have been through a lot of crap in my short life. As for him, he has a lot of growing up to do. I know that I wont be able to go out when I want to because i made the mistake of bringing a child into this world at such a young age, and trust me, I am ready to deal with the consequenses of my actions. I am very aware of the life that I will be leading from here on out. There are no drugs around, or will there ever be around the baby because if there are, the police will be called, and that person will be out of my life forever. I just feel like you are treating me like a child. I know I am very young, but I have learned to grow up fast.I understand kinda or where you are coming from, but then in the same breath, I dont.
Thank you everyone for your advice, and I will keep you updated with how things are with him, and how things are going with the baby. Thanks.
Megan
[This message was edited by megan_09 on 11-05-03 at 05:18 PM.]
11-05-03, 05:44 PM Kalena Megan, there isn't much that i can add to what everyone has already said, but i would like to share with you a story about this girl that i used to work with.
She was a nice girl. She is currently engaged and has a two year old daughter. She met her boyfriend by accident and at first he was very good to her. He brought her presents and that kind of stuff. Her father really liked her, so as a favour to him, she started to go out with him. I don't know how it started, but he became very abusive. He beat her while she was pregnant. He cheated on her constantly. Her daughter was almost taken away from her because of him. She tried to leave him several times, but she kept going back to him because he said he would change and that he was sorry. She works two jobs and cleans their house. He sits around and plays video games while she's working. Often, he would leave the baby at home alone and go to the strippers. He had a horrible temper and actually bit her once! His family hates her. They won't even talk to her. They make up stories about her and he believes them over her. He doesn't trust her at all. She has no friends because of him. Everyone at my work told her to get away from him and don't look back. She wouldn't leave him because she worried about who would take care of the baby while she was working. Her parents are very Christian and therefore wouldn't do anything about it. No one ever contacted the police. Frown She thought going to church would help him become a better person. Roll Eyes To say the least, it never helped. I share this with you because i don't want anything like this to ever happen to you. Keep your eyes open for warning signs that the relationship might turn to physical abuse. Good luck! Smile
11-05-03, 08:57 PM jusork So basically, be careful as you're probably already thinking about. There are always stories about people that weren't very good at fully raising a baby or living with someone so close, as well as statistics of families not working out at various levels. Looking past the idea of being cautious about his behavior getting worse, he seems like he'd be a fine partner. It's kind of hard to know him and I can only imagine how the situation sounds. You two just seem to have typical disagreements on an issue and can't come to a conclusion. He probably wants to be there for you, he's just worried? My advice is just 1. to make sure you both show each other as much love as possible, make sure each other are happy, take each other out sometime and 2. work together with understanding and respect.
11-05-03, 09:29 PM angela-cc I agree with Jusork as long as the boyfriend is NOT being abusive to you. If he is, I still say please leave him alone for a while until you know he won't hurt you.
11-05-03, 10:18 PM gizmogram Jusork...if the father has to constantly confirm the fact that she isn't with other guys, he obviously has no concept of what the words "trust" or "respect" mean yet. I hope he grows into this so he can be a part of his child's life.
Megan...I agree with the fact that you are both too young to create a serious committment until you are BOTH mature enough. The way he's acting, obviously he is not, but you are very fortunate - you are obviously a very mature and intelligent young lady, and you have an absolutely wonderful mom. Much more than some young women in your situation have.
I would think the best course of action at this point is to let him grow up a little. But I also think it would be good for you to sit him down, face to face, and tell him exactly how he's coming off to you - could be he's just acting on impulse and isn't thinking about your feelings and what you're going through right now. It seems like he may just need constant reassurance, and is feeling very insecure and scare himself at the moment...I'm sure he didn't intend on being a father at this age either.
Good luck honey...we're all pulling for you!
11-06-03, 11:24 AM Katanya2000 Megan, I only have one bit of advice for you and it's just a small thing but I PROMISE you, if you keep to it, it will save you YEARS of frustration and misery.
Never ever compromise yourself or the things you want because it's easier to give in than to fight for it with your partner!
I've seen this happen so many times...my mom's been married 7 times and my dad 5!
The worst, though, is my sister. When she first got together with her boyfriend he was just a little controlling. 10 years later she has to ask his PERMISSION to spend $10 on a birthday present for our Mom DESPITE the fact that they could easily afford it, and DESPITE the fact that he's been out of work for over 2 years and she earns all the money! BTW...when she asked, he told her NO! And she put up with it! Why? Cause it was easier than fighting with him about it!
11-07-03, 03:29 AM tsaeb Katanya: Are you overreacting to the abusiveness here? You make it sound as though you married a manipulated pussycat and that you go around with your mouth always open and a whip in your hand, determined to win 100% of the fights.
11-07-03, 06:08 AM Katanya2000 Actually Tsaeb, I've not married anyone.
I'm not saying never compromise, I said never compromise YOURSELF.
BIG difference there.
11-07-03, 01:25 PM Georgia85 Hmmm....funny, I didn't get that out of Kat's post at all tsaeb. I saw her offering advice based on what she has noticed with her sister.
11-07-03, 07:30 PM babthrower Hi Megan,
You said, "As for us not being mature, I am probably one of the most mature 17 year olds that you will ever meet... I just feel like you are treating me like a child."
That's the point, Megan. I have never met you, I will never meet you, and I don't know you. My comments were of a general nature and directed toward anyone in your circumstances.
Don't take what I said personally. Use what may help. Disregard the rest.
11-09-03, 01:10 AM tsaeb Katanya2000: I thought that post which I read about you being married was a lie. I apologize for sneaking up on you to determine its validity.
Georgia85: Kat knows that I was referring to some quite old post of hers re her view against abusiveness. You and I share that view, I am sure.
11-10-03, 08:22 AM Georgia85 Oh, ok....guess there was an "inside thing" that I wasn't aware of Smile
This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,
