No, not the parent's questions. The teen's questions. I am bracing for the day, "Mom, did you ever do drugs?" and/or "Mom, did you ever have an abortion?" Sure, I could say the answers are both no, so why do I worry a bit? But, the answers are much more complicated, and I don't really want to discuss this, maybe ever. If you are a parent or a teen of a parent, I'd like to hear both sides to this dilema. I talk to my kids about many, many important issues, but I just don't feel prepared, or willing, to spill the beans or reveal my questionable decisions of many moons ago(and the results).

Believe me, your kids, as teenagers, won't even want to imagine you even had sex, so that's the abortion question out of the way. As for drugs, it's hard for them to get their heads around the fact that you might once have had a different life, or in fact that you had any life at all outside them.

Seriously though, as a parent of teenagers, I would advise you that absolute honesty is the best policy. You describe your past decisions as "questionable," so if they do ask, you tell them the truth, but explain to them that through experience and what you know now, it wasn't a good decision. Kids are smart, they can very quickly see when you are avoiding an issue, or not being truthful. If something hurts, or is difficult for you to discuss, tell them that, but give them the basic answers to their questions. Yes, you are their parent, you are their mum, and you want to set a good example, but you are also a human being, that sometimes makes mistakes, just like all of us.

Be completely upfront with your kids about everything, that way you keep communication open, which is sometimes very difficult in the teenage years.

Oh and btw, the most difficult questions from my kids have been asked while I'm driving. This makes sense, no eye contact you see. It works well though!

Not a mom, but I am a very involved aunt and godmother....and I was a very nosy teenager.

You can often get away with deflecting some questions, such as the abortion issue, with "Why do you ask?"... That tactic has led to some terrific discussions with the young people in my life.
When that fails, or seems inappropriate to the moment, come clean.... you need not give every last gruesome detail, but if you refuse to discuss your life, you send the message that trust and communication are a one way street- You want their trust, you want them to be open with you but are not willing to be vulnerable in return... and that won't work.

quote:

You can often get away with deflecting some questions, such as the abortion issue, with "Why do you ask?"...

While it is most certainly a great idea to expand a conversation with a teen with questions back to them, so that you know a little more about where they are coming from, please never try to use this as a way to deflect their questions. Deflection sounds too much like avoidance to me, and nobody ever said parenting was going to be a piece of cake. If they don't get straight answers from you, they'll draw their own conclusions, and perhaps go elsewhere.

I have a few books here I'd like to recommend to you, that have come highly recommended to me, as a librarian, and you might find them useful. All of these will be available at your local library.

Uncommon Sense for Parents With Teenagers by Michael Riera.

I have purchased and read many of the books out there on raising teenagers. Many of them promise a lot, but deliver very little, so I buy another and another. This book covers it all. The author knows what parents want, but also gets inside the heads of our teenagers and explains what they want, and more importantly, how they perceive our rules, desires, and opinions of them. It took away some of the fear I had about going through this phase of life as a parent. It allowed me to more clearly understand exactly what my son was trying to say, even when he didn't use the exact words I would have expected. Consequently, our discussions have been much more fruitful. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Amazon

from the same author,
Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They're Really Saying
Again a great book, and talks about how to talk to your kids in a way that keeps communication open.

The title of this one always makes me smile. It's still in huge demand:

Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager by Anthony Wolf.
I see you said in another thread that you have boys, and the title might seem to be aiming at parents of girls, but in fact it covers both sexes.
Like any self-help books, pick and choose the advice that resonates with you. The fact that you are concerning yourself with these issues before the teen years, bodes well for the future.

We all do things we don't want to do.

I fear that when the time comes to answer these questions that you will 'have' too even if you don't want to.

Avoiding the questions is in essence lying. The kid will see it as such and will have a sense of betrayal. that sense will ruin a lot of other things after that point, will cause the kid to seek others to confide in. His/her choice of person they confide in may tell things in a way that you do not want the kid to learn.

I personally have a storybook life, I did drugs, drank, staying in pool halls, sold drugs for a while, (and more) things I am not proud of doing, but things that I am open and honest about with others, including the nieces and nephews who do ask, do want to know and I hope learn something from my mistakes. I know a couple three of them haven't, they are making their own lives.

If I had a kid I would be honest with them when they ask. Of course I would not get into the gory details, I would clean it up a small bit using civil words and language.

If you try to 'hide' something the kid will think the worse, the very worse. and yes they will talk to their peers and teens minds are not happy places to visit, they can think up the most horrid of things to tell a teen who is in doubt because it is 'fun'.

what ever your reasons for not doing those things, tell it, spill the beans.

Ultimately the kid will be facing similar if not the same questions in their life, and upon what they learned from you and others they will make a choice.

If you hide the answer from the kid s/he will most definitely nearly always make the wrong choice. They don't know better.

Wow, I guess I expected this type of response from the group. But that's why I like coming here from time to time. I do agree that honesty is best, and I also know from experience that often the kids want the very short version anyway. And we parents always add in the lesson learned even though they might not ask for that exactly.

Funny, the other day my 8 yr. old got wind of a conversation with the 12 year old about a not-very-nice "job title" that some street women are given if you know what I mean. I was explaining what the title meant and my 8 yr. old helped with part of the definition saying, 'ya mean, having sex?" He had me stopped in my tracks. Yeah, I really know it ALL and they don't know much , and I have an acre of land up on Mars to sell anyone who's interested also.
Thanks everyone. I will go the honest (and brief) route, if and when, the questions even come about. (Knowing these kids, they will).

I was honest with my kids about my teenage years. In retrospect, I wish I had first asked them, "There must be a reason you want to know" and focused more on what I learned so that they might have learned more.

When they asked me if I had smoked pot, for example, I wish I had taken them to my cousin Steve's gravesite and then answered.