Me and my girl friend split a couple of weeks ago and we are still splt. I really like her but I beg her to be my girl friend again and she does not want to b/c I lied to her the week before. What can I do to show her that I love her and she can trust me and will be my girl friend for a long time? Help.
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04-06-04, 03:08 PM
Georgia85
Doug, I don't know how old you are but I would think perhaps a teenager? If so, welcome to the school of "Hard Knocks" that is so important in development into adulthood.

What you did to your girlfriend broke a trust that she had with you. And once trust is broken it takes a long time (if ever) to be re-established. There are some people who once lied to will never believe you again. There are some people who once have lost a trust in you will never trust again.

Begging her will do little or no good. Right now you need to be understanding of the hurt she is feeling and back off and give her her space. Let her have time to think about what happened and to determine (on her own) if the relationship is worth salvaging. If it is, she will come back to you. If it isn't, chalk this experience up to having to learn something the hard way and work very hard on not lying in future relationships.

I know this is a painful time for you. But if you are patient, and step away for the time being, it is possible that you could end up with keeping her as a friend somewhere down the road.

04-06-04, 03:09 PM
Elexina
You are going to have to regain her trust, and respect her boundaries. In my opinion, one of the worst things a person can do is lie to their partner, to the person they are supposed to care more about than anyone else. It does not surprise me that she doesn't want to be with you right now.
You have to be truthful and honest with her. Acknowledge the lie you told and tell her what the truth is. Do not make promises you cannot keep, but do be open with her. Ask her what she wants, ask her what she needs from you. If she tells you that she needs time, or space, you must give those to her.
But be prepared that you may not be with her again. She may not want you and there may be nothing you can do to change that. She is her own woman and you cannot make her do anything she is not ready for.
Talk to her, Doug, find out what she wants, and honor her needs.

04-06-04, 09:51 PM
clarebear
Doug,

Is this the same girl who wouldn't go anywhere with you for 6 months and made plans to do something else for your anniversary?

04-07-04, 07:49 AM
Doug
I can't recall.

04-07-04, 10:24 AM
MrsS
I think Clare is asking if this is the same girl you asked about in This Thread . I was wondering the same thing.

04-07-04, 10:42 AM
Georgia85
You "can't recall"???
What does that mean? You don't remember if it's the same girl...or you don't remember the the "being busy" situation?

Sorry to be blunt but I see some red flags here. I wonder if you have reached that maturity level where you are ready to be in a committed relationship...

04-07-04, 07:44 PM
Doug
Yes that is the same girl. Thanks for the past post.

04-08-04, 10:46 AM
Elexina
I have to agree with Georgia, there are some flags going up here. If you are in a relationship that you consider serious, the details and instances should be memorable to you.

04-08-04, 11:12 AM
Lydia
Doug, from reading this and the other post, I have to say that while you may think of her as your girlfriend, she does not think of you as her boyfriend. It sounds more like she's coming up with whatever reason she can to make you go away and you're not getting it. Sorry to sound so blunt, but I think someone has to. Leave the girl alone. If she decides that she wants to have anything to do with you, I'm sure she'll let you know.

04-09-04, 06:55 PM
SeattleRon
Doug, man don't get stuck. You're just a kid still tryin to get your feet wet. Don't trip over some girl too much man. I see this problem A lot with people your age.
Things don't last forever pal. Move on to the next one. The worst thing you can do is make yourself look pitiful and stupid by tryin to stick around when you're not wanted.
Check yourself man, and realize that you're not appreciated over there no more.
Find a new girl...

04-10-04, 03:49 PM
Doug
It's hard to find a new girl. Every time we break up, I can't stand to be away from her. I keep wanting her back. Is there any way I could make it up to her? Dinner, card, etc? My mind and soul is focused on her. I can't pick another girl besides her. I keep thinking bout her 24/7.

04-10-04, 04:32 PM
babthrower
Doug, what you're describing is not love but obsession. It will hurt but you can get over her in a few months (and it will hurt less and less as time goes on, so I'm not talking about a few months of feeling as you do NOW).

But it's like any addiction -- if you see her or succeed in getting her to talk to you, even if it's on the phone and only long enough for her to tell you to get lost -- you renew the addiction. It's like a smoker who just sneaks a few puffs. It prolongs the painful withdrawal stage. The only way to quit is to quit.

You can stop these obsessive thoughts. When you find yourself thinking about her, just yell 'Stop!' out loud! If this would not be wise, i.e. you're sitting in class, or at your grandfather's funeral or something, say it mentally. Then DO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. Do mental arithmetic (divide 100 by 6 or something easy like that, then try a harder one) or get up and phone a friend and ask him/her about homework or to go out and shoot some baskets. Anything. Even go and offer to help your mom or dad -- take out the trash, wash the kitchen cupboards, ask your dad if you can help him clean out the garage. Preferably something where you can keep up a conversation with someone about anything but your girlfriend. You can then have something ELSE to think about, such as the look of total shock on your parents' faces.

You have to do this, Doug. If you don't, you could turn into one of those loonies who get arrested for harrassment. This could go on your record, and put your name on some lists you don't want to be on.

When you've spent a month without bugging her or being totally miserable all the time, you'll be well on the way to sanity again. Treat yourself to something special on that anniversary.

What 's happening to you is a trick nature is playing on you. Nature plays it on all of us. We 'bond' with a sexually attractive person. It's function is to have couples stay together for at least seven years, while the infant they produced is very dependent. Pure Darwinism. (Ever hear someone talk about the 'seven year itch'? That's when the bond starts to weaken. Of course if you have ANOTHER child...)

But here's the reality. In your case the bond is not mutual. So your job is to (1) recognize that, and (2) break your one-sided bond as painlessly as possible. This is so you can find someone better suited to you, and have the love and companionship you want -- but with the right person.

By the way, if after a couple weeks of ignoring her, SHE comes after YOU -- dump HER. Because maybe she gets off on your suffering. Some people do. It gratifies them and reassures them that they are fatally attractive. Believe me, your chances of happiness with a sickie like that are zilch. Your pain equals her pleasure -- how sick is that?

But if she's normal, and just wants her space, eventually you might be friends again. Not for a year at least, though.

04-12-04, 02:16 PM
Elexina
Doug, it's rough, but you are young and you have plenty of life left to experience. Even if you can't just go out and find a new girl right away, don't hound your ex. If she wants to be with you, she will let you know. But you have to leave her alone and give her space.
From your posts, it really just sounds like you're more interested in the idea of her than her specifically. If she were as important to you as you now portray, you would not be breaking up with each other all the time.

A dinner card is not going to cut it, Doug. Give her space. Otherwise, she may end up taking a restraining order out on you, and that is really not going to help you.
04-12-04, 07:22 PM
Georgia85
Doug, please listen to the advice that is offered here. We are seeing the big picture, you are seeing just what you want to see.

Be a big man and hold onto your pride and dignity. If nothing else, the lesson to be learned is that no-one can make anyone love them. And the harder you try - the more you will push someone away. You can't make it happen and no amount of begging, crying, pleading, or stalking will change this.

So pick yourself, brush off your dignity, and find something else in life that makes you happy.

We've all been there.

04-12-04, 09:45 PM
coldfuse
Years from now you may remember this thread, laugh a little bit, and think, "those ladies at Answerpool were exactly right."

Put this one in your rear view mirror.

04-15-04, 12:40 AM
megan_09
Doug, it sounds to me your getting to stuck on one girl..Your too young for that....Really...You need to let yourself move on...

04-15-04, 02:38 AM
puppyblues
EXCELLENT post, babs.

Doug, if you were 'crushing' on my daughter like you are on this girl, I'd be thinking restraining order in the near future. You need to move on. Your behavior with this girl is def. obsessive.

You don't have to have a girl in your life to be happy. Really, you need to be happy with yourself first, before you can share it with someone else. Once you accomplish that, the girls (maybe even the ones you want!) will come to you.
Girls like confident men. We don't like wishy washy, obsessive, 'I'll do anything for you', lay down like a rug men. We like you to like yourself and portray someone that we would like to be with and be seen with.

Work on yourself, then find a girlfriend, but this girl is almost screaming at you to leave her alone. Do it, before you get yourself in trouble.

04-15-04, 02:38 AM
DvdGStwrt
Trust is easy to give the first time but far harder to regain once it is lost.

The only lie that is ok when you are in love is: "Everything will be alright." even though both of you know that nothing will be right again. Why is it ok? because usually when that phrase is given it is in the context of one comforting the other. That act of comforting does not fall under the DO NOT LIE rule.

To lie about anything else to your partner means that you are hiding something that you are ashamed of. If you are ashamed of something to that point, I would really hate to imagine what it is that was done - it can't be good.

Let me tell you About Love:

Love is not a thing you put on a hour before you go out to take off once you part company, it is something that you wear 24/7 and in actuality once you love a person, no matter what they do, what you do, how bad the break up is, that love remains For EVER! I still love the one I first loved though there has been several decades and many many miles since then. I also love all the others who I have shared my heart with. Though circumstances are that we parted, sometimes on friendly times, a few times it was bloody - I still love them, a couple I love to hate, but beneath that there is still love. Love never dies, nor does it really fade. It remains. Once broken it may turn into a hopeless cause where both parties know and understand that the trust can not be regained - but the love remains.

Love Hurts. Indeed if it didn't hurt then it wasn't love to begin with.

That pain that comes with love will steal your breath and leave you begging on your knees for the pain to stop while you still do not let it go because, lets face it, you want it to continue forever. As twisted as that sounds, that is the way it is.

Love is a forlorn, lovesick puppy dog years, and years and years after the first sting of cupid's arrow. Remember that kid when you are grey and wrinkled and laying in bed shedding a tear for a long lost love who's face springs to memory long after you thought you forgot them, their name and that silly little thing which endeared them to you will flare up in full living color. Good Grief, love can be cruel - but its cruelness is its kindness too.

IF you are lucky you will find one person to stick out the rest of your life with. If you are really lucky, and live in a fairy tale story of a life it will be the first person you fall in love with.

Most likely you are like the rest of us schmucks and will lose your first love to time, circumstances or some other young buck who steals their heart away. Or worse yet - lost because of some foolishness that you did which you will forever kick yourself in the butt over knowing that if you hadn't then life would have been different. All of those who know what that is like Say "Amen".

Did I mention pain? Love sucks, it hurts and it is the cruelest trick that God and Fate and Nature can play on a human being. but that pain hurts oh so good - and we foolish mortals will fall in love - for falling it is - you CAN NOT CONTROL LOVE! Again, and again, and again. It happens we are wet behind the ears, it will happen when we are dried tired husks of the people we were through a life of a hundred years. Love is grand, love is timeless.

YOU CAN NOT make another person love you - YOU DO NOT HAVE CONTROL - it happens, or it doesn't.

It doesn't matter if you are the cutest, smartest, strongest, suavest, richest - it doesn't matter, love happens when it happens and you will be helpless in its control. Oh sure, many will attempt to control it - foolish pride appears stronger than love, but even the proudest of us will fall before love. They say death is the great leveler of men, I will tell you right now Love is the true leveler, the only power the makes all men equal.

Poets have tried to capture it to no avail. Song writers and singers put poor music to the grand symphony that love is. Hundreds, thousands perhaps millions have killed over love - Millions more would kill for love if given half a chance. Love is an an insanity that no man or woman can get through life without being stung at least once, and most likely are stung several times.

Love will strip you to your very core, whip you into a frenzy of passion and stupidity that means you will most likely sing, dance and make impossible promises. Love will drop kick you, beat you, work you up to a sweaty, breathless rag a muffin, while leaving you begging for more. Love is a sickness that burns heart, mind, body and soul. Love is all of this and more.

Love is passion, it is heart ache, it is the stupidest thing you will ever have, and you my fine friend will adore every moment of it and will think it is the finest thing you have ever had in life. Stupid? yeah sure, join the human race - we are stupid when it comes to love.

For love is the finest thing you will ever possess. Nay, it possesses you.

If you feel it, if you know it, then you already know exactly what you need to do to show it. You need to bare your soul and beg forgiveness and allow her to be your mistress, your queen and be willing to submit yourself to Her Test.

What is that Test? God only knows - No, maybe even God doesn't know. For if she loves you - God help you, IF she loves you with anything of the sort of love that I have attempted to describe above, your screwed.

While love can be sweet and kind and frail and beautiful, love can be a Mega Beast, a horror of horrors - Once slighted it can turn on you, taking pure pleasure as it rips you apart, shredding your humanity and leaving you in a pile of wreck and ruin and you beg for mercy. Love when it is caused harm can turn into the purest form of malice you will ever hope to see. Let no man fool you, wars are caused by love, The worst murders are committed through love, The vilest forms of human arrogance and hatred are born from love. Love, when pricked, will destroy anyone and anything in its path.

Indeed, love can turn and it is usually turned by the smallest of things, a lie, a cheat and temporary lapse which is caused by a small act of selfishness. Foolish is the man who dares to cause one single twinge of harm to love.

I am willing to lay odds that she who you love (and who still loves you) wants for you to beg and crawl and beg for forgiveness. See you dared to tread on Love, you dared to misspeak out of turn, you dared to utter a lie professed in love's name.

That kid is a sin above all sins and gets its own special kind of instant justice.

You think you are hurting now? Oh I assure you Love ain't through hurting you, Love ain't through until it is satisfied. And satisfaction is based on a sliding scale, it depends on just how great (or small) your transgression was/is. The larger the transgression, the worst the punishment. I think that love's softest punishment is equal to ripping your heart out and jumping up an down on it for about the span of an hour. It gets worse, much worse.

Oh Don't get me wrong, its not like she is in control of this, she is no more in control of this than you are in your yearning to be bashed in the head with a hammer if that is what it will take for her to take you back. She can't help herself, you can't help yourself. Love is a harsh task master, making silly demands and expecting mere humans to be gods, perfect all the time.

Thankfully for us humans we have an ally: Time.

Time tempers love, Time reduces love from a deadly fever to a mild flu. Time will slowly work on love, wearing it down until it is more manageable and we humans can go on with the business of life. Be not fooled by that, for love can suddenly rear up and bite you on the bud even after decades of laying quietly - especially if you do something foolish like hurt love. Sure, many mistake that temperance for a loss of love, but when the battle cry is called, they learn real fast that love did not die. This is why divorces are the bloodiest of Legal actions, Love does not take prisoners.

You want help with your relationship? Then let me tell you what you must do. You must be prepared to face the fact that this one is gone - no more, never to happen again. You must enter into the understanding that love is illogical and no amount of begging, pleading, or rationalization is going to fix this one.

If love is forgiving this time and you do continue this relationship, you better be on your best behavior. For the next time you mess up not only will you be punished for that, but you will be punished for this as well and you will be punished for "tricking" love into forgiving you the error of your ways.

You have the ability to beg and plead your case. Once it's done you got to take the punishment like a man. Be warned, if she takes you back THAT can be a far worse punishment than if she dumped you for good.

You can talk, you can shower her with presents. You may never ever be able to regain that full trust - you screwed up, you screwed up before love. Love forgets - NOT - love forgives - but will take it back the next time you screw up.

Give her time, she may still take you back. If not, then count your blessings, fingers and toes, and just remember what you learned this time around.

There are no fix alls, there is no one band-aid that patches love up.

The best way to go is be truthful, even if it hurts. Well, it will hurt.

04-15-04, 07:47 AM
Lydia
HOLEY JAMOLEY David!!!
Anything else to say on the subject??? Wink

I'm gonna read that again sometime - you just about covered it all!!!

04-15-04, 08:48 AM
MrsS
Relationship help
Uhm...yeah....What David said!

Damn, My Man, that post belongs in the yet to be established AP Hall of Fame!

04-15-04, 12:58 PM
clarebear
MrsS and Lydia

I'll take your word for it that it was a good post. Roll Eyes Wink

Well Said David Big Grin

04-15-04, 01:27 PM
babthrower
(tease, tease)

David is in love -- with Love! Wink

04-15-04, 09:52 PM
DvdGStwrt
Not that I am in any way saying I am experienced in matters of love. But I think after a few loves I have pretty much figured it out.

I think. Big Grin

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,