I'm 19 years old and live at home with my parents, which is currently presenting a problem. I started dating a great guy about a month ago, and I really like him. We get together two or three times a week, and our dates usually consist of going out to eat and then going back to his house to watch a movie. (I've known him for two years, so hanging out at his house is not awkward at all.) He has met my grandmother and mom, and they all get along great. The problem is with my dad. We don't have a good relationship at all (he's a deadbeat alcoholic), and every time I mention a guy (even if its just a friend) in casual conversation, dad "freaks out" for lack of a better phrase. He starts yelling at me saying I better not have a boyfriend or be a slut, etc.

My family situation is complicated and always has been. My mom basically does whatever dad says and buys him alcohol to make him happy. She allows him to be rude to herself and me, and says it doesn't matter because he's been drinking. He's never been violent or anything to that effect, but his behavior is still hurtful. I developed an anxiety disorder several years ago that I attribute at least in part to my family situation.

Anyway, back to the main problem... I would love for my boyfriend to be able to come to MY house for once, instead of me going over there all the time. He tells me time and time again that it's perfectly fine for us to get together only at his place, but it's the principal of the thing that matters to me. I sometimes feel like I'm imposing since I never host him at my place. I can't even imagine how my dad would react if I invited a guy over for dinner or to watch a movie, etc... much less my boyfriend. Part of me feels like it's none of his business since he doesn't have a job, doesn't pay any bills, and does absolutely nothing for my family.

Dad has no clue that I've ever even been on a date, and I've had a serious relationship before that lasted about a year. Whenever I go out, mom makes up stories saying I'm going over to one of my girlfriends' places or going to a meeting for school, etc. This is really getting old and I'm sick and tired of it. Why in the world can't my dad realize that I'm a 19 year old adult and should have freedom to do and date as I please??? I know I'm young and still have much to learn, but I feel I am very mature for my age and should not have to be treated like a 13 year old by my own father.

I know the alcohol is playing a big part in the whole thing, but that's not going to change. Dad has been an alcoholic for many years. Does anyone have any advice for me in this situation? I'm so fed up right now it's not even funny. I've thought about moving out before, but that would mean dropping out of school (I attend a local community college full time) to support myself. I don't feel like I can live in this situation for much longer. It's ridiculous.

I know there's nothing anyone can do to "solve" my problem, but any advice would be appreciated more than you could ever know. I'm looking for suggestions concerning how to deal with my dad's unrealistic expectations of me never having a boyfriend, as well as how I should handle inviting my boyfriend over. It doesn't help the situation that my boyfriend is a police officer (my career goal), and dad absolutely hates cops and thinks that if I become one I'll be throwing my life away.

Wow... it felt good to get all that out, but I still have a lot to work on and hopefully someone can offer me some words of advice. Thanks everyone!

Sarah, you seem to have explained your situation well. Yes, you are in a very tough situation. Unfortunately, the only way that you can change it is by moving out, something which you note has definite disadvantages. You cannot change your father's behavior. The best you could do in that direction would have to involve your mother, and obviously, you are not going to get help from her. I think forcing the issue and bringing your boyfriend into your home would be a mistake. You will only provoke your father and possibly put your boyfriend in a very bad spot. The only good that will come out of bring him into the home would be to force you to make a decision on the spot, when that decision is one that needs a great deal of thought.

It's my opinion that you really have only two options: Live as you are now, and stay in school full-time, waiting to graduate and get a job or move out now, get a job to support yourself, and go to school part-time. Both options have advantages and disadvantages. Weighing them is something only you can do. I think that, since your boyfriend seems to be very understanding, staying at home is the better choice. You don't have to spend much time there, but it does give you room and board. Maybe others will see something that I don't, and suggest something better.

Alcoholics are often set in their ways. My advice is to confront this head on. You're going to have to face him with this problem sooner or later.
Might as well be now. It's going to be tough at first, but if this guy is really worth keeping. It's not worth hiding from anybody. Seeing as how this gentleman is a police officer he can protect you if things go array.
I say bring him to your house and get it over with.

Sarah, I would highly recommend finding an Al-Anon group and attending just one meeting. See how it goes from there.

Sarah, I second Coldfuse's advice. One of my grandaughters attended a COAP (children of alcoholic parents) service, which I believe is a Catholic equivalent of Al Anon. I think she rescued her mother and younger siblings from an alcoholic father who refused treatment, even though, as a cop, it was available free of charge or stigma. It resulted, for him, in divorce, discharge from the force, and finally death, alone and in a rented room above a bar (of all places). The grandkids graduated college and are successfully married, their mother is happily independent.

Oh honey...You described what it was like for me growing up. Alcoholic dad, enabling mom...

I'm WAY older than you, but the basics are the same. I went through, back in the 70's, what you are going through now.

Please email me (through my profile) if you just want to talk....although I also seriously recommend Al-Anon as previously mentioned too...most don't realize how many like us are out there.

Talking can help too. If you email me, maybe we can talk on a messenger service we both have

Sarah...we're here for you

listen to them all, my advice might have been half assed, and not for everybody. Listen to Gizmogram and the rest.
Where as my advice about alcoholics is from my personal experience, they know what they're doing.
Good luck my friend...

Ron, your advice was in no way half-assed, and probably would work well for a boy confronting his dad or mom about another situation.

I would not recommend a young lady try to stand up to a grown man who doesn't sound like he's a very nice guy when he's drinking, and seems to have missed out on the fact that his little girl is growing up.

Something I missed saying earlier Sarah...I'm sure that your boyfriend knows full well how it is at home and is perfectly happy to have you at his place. If you want to do something special once in awhile, bring over the fixin's for a nice dinner along with a newly released movie...or if you're able, take HIM out for dinner sometime

thanks giz, it's kinda why i said it's not for everybody. Drunks are complicated people my friend. Just be very careful if you decide to play your cards. and goodluck

Al anon is the first stop.

You are not alone. The biggest relief, and surprise, to me as an alcoholic was the discovery that I was not the only one in the whole world who was controlled by alcohol. There were three hundred others in the very first AA meeting I went too! All of them had been exactly like me.

Now, what is true for the alcoholics is true for the families.Al anon is for them, the families (and you). At the very least you'll find that all of them, by definition, know, have lived with, and have had to deal with alcoholics.Fact is, many will have had exactly your problem. Their advice is invaluable because they have been there: just as only another alcoholic can really understand and help an alcoholic so only they can really help and understand you.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is never easy when your family clashes with your personal life. It can be very difficult to deal with strict and/or intolerant parents -but even more so when one has such a drinking problem. My situation was never as extreme as yours, but I did have trouble bringing boyfriends home as my father was generally disapproving -even when he liked the boyfriend and even when I became engaged to the man I would later marry. The only solution I could find to bring peace to the household and cease the constant clashing and arguing was for me to move out. I did not move in with my fiancé (he still lived with his parents, as well), but found a little apartment of my own. One of the best decisions I ever made.
You situation may not be this simple, unfortunately. You may not be in a position where you can simply move out. But it might be something to work toward. Regardless of how serious you are with your boyfriend, you are still subject to “my house, my rules” as long as you live with your parents, and if your parents do not wish you to have a boyfriend, or have a boyfriend over, that is pretty much the bottom line. There may be compromises that can be made, but with an alcoholic you can never be sure what sort of confrontation will set them off. Sometimes the best answer is avoidance -not confront it head on. That solution may work in certain situations, but I don’t think it is the best suggestion here.
You may simply need to tough it out until you are done with school and are in a better position to move out on your own. Under your own roof, you can make your own rules.
An alternative is to try to help your mother see things your way. Perhaps an AA meeting or some other counseling (does your school have this for its students?) can give you some pointers and conversation starters, and you can try explaining your feelings to your mother. Even if she cannot help you stand up to your father, having an ally behind the scenes could be a great relief, and a starting point, at least.

Good luck, Sarah!!