My Girl Friend and I have been dateing for 5 years now. I think I'm taking advantage of her by doing stuff she does not want to do or persuadeing her to do those things. She and I have a Learning Disibality and I'm not so sure if I'm using that to get what I want. I've asked her if she thinks I'm taking advantage of her and she says I'm not. I feel like we should break up. She is not the smartest in the world but she kind of knows what's worng and whats right. I'm not sure if I love her for her body or love her for who she is. She is not really funny or smart. I can't love her for who she is. I can't seem to let go even if I tried to. What should I do?
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12-26-05, 03:26 PM
babthrower
You are a compassionate person. You think about how other people feel, and you take responsibility for how your actions affect them.

Suppose you end your relationship with her. What effect will it have on her? Will the effect be temporary, or long-standing?

I infer from what you say that your interest in her is purely sexual. Or is there a friendly aspect to it as well?

If your relationship is also a friendship, you will both lose by breaking up.

Suppose your relationship is purely sexual from your point of view. Then it may be the right thing to do if you break up. She will be free to find another partner once she recovers from the rejection. We all have to do that at some point in our lives.

I was rejected at age 18 by a boyfriend who decided we needed a 'time-out'. I moved on. We are good friends today. We both know now that he did the right thing.

While you think about all of these things, and get ready to make your decision, accept that probably whichever decision you make will hurt her.

If you leave her now, because you think it would be the right thing to do, she will be hurt. If you wait until someone more suitable comes along, and then leave her, she will be hurt. If you stay with her out of pity, she will sense it, and feel hurt. So you have to make your decision based on the other factors.

If you're lucky, she will find someone else, and dump you!

Does she not want to do stuff because she doesn't enjoy sex? Or because she beleives sex outside of marriage is immoral?

If it is because she does not enjoy sex, you could try to find ways to make sex more pleasurable for her. But it is always wrong to pressure someone into doing things against their conscience.

Here is a test. Without explaining why, begin a celibate relationship with her. You don't have to explain why you are no longer asking for sex.

If you value the relationship after, say, a month, then you were wrong to write off your attachment as purely sexual. Then you have a basis for friendship.

If she asks you to resume the sexual part of your relationship, then your conscience is clear. You can decide to resume it, or not. (Sometimes people, especially girls, don't want to take responsibility for their actions if they think the actions are 'bad'. So they tell themselves they are being pressured to do them. But when the relationship breaks off, they come to realize that they did enjoy it. That is a good experience for them, to realize the truth.)

If you do not value the relationship when it's sex-free, then break it off.

Lots of things to think about, right? Roll Eyes

12-27-05, 12:51 AM
Doug
Wow. Thanks. That is alot of good info. It's not that she enjoys sex. We've never done it before. I would touch her and she would be ok with that. We've done that 3-4 times this past summer. She seemd to enjoy it when I did that. Tuesday was our 5th anniversery sice we've been dateing. I got her a ring and she thought it was real and it being a engagement ring. I told her it was strictly a anniversery ring. So she called her pearnts and told then what I got her and I stresd of what it was so they would not kill me. Eek I had asked her the day before if she wanted to do some cuddleing and she said yes then the next day she said she was not in the mood. That really hurt me. She is not a risk taker at all. If we want to make out I always have to put the moves on or try to convince her to cuddle with me. It's like we are never on the same page you know? I want it to be an 50/50 relationsjip. I do what she wants and she does what I want. Every time I her the song: I've done everything for you and you've done nothing for me. I see us like that. Who knows where we might be down the road. Hope fully a good path.

12-27-05, 01:24 AM
babthrower
Doug, listen to what you have said:

"She is not a risk taker at all."

So the main thing is: protect both of yourselves, and the innocent unborn. If you go farther, use protection.

All children should be wanted children.

The rest of us can make what we want of our lives. More power to you and to all of us. But do not willingly bring little children into a mess.

That is the number 1 rule of choosing a good path. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

12-27-05, 08:14 AM
frankvan
Babs, no wonder I love you. You're awesome! Smile Wink Roll Eyes

12-27-05, 11:21 AM
Doug
She will never be ready to go farther. Even with protection. We agreed that the first time we go futher, we will use protecion. Her time frame is age wise is 30's I'm afraid she might wait to long. I don't want to take to long. My time frame is late 20's early 30's we should talk about geting married,etc. She is really small and I'm not sure if hee body can handle a child. Adobt might have to come. I don;t like that idea but with her having a child might be inposible. I think she is 5' 4'' and 100 lbs. I'm against that sex after marrige thing. I don't go that way. We've made out at my house many times but my pearnts spy on my 24/7 every time she is over. She agrees with my pearnts that we should not be doing that. Well we don't go all aroun the baese. That will be kind of hard to do in my room with the door wide open. We just do little stuff. There is nothing worng with that. I told her that when I get my own place might be 5-8 years from now and we will be both stuck with our pearnts and if we don't make out here or at her house we will not get to do it at all. I can picture our sex life in te future. A bad one. I keep asking my self. Is this the girl for me? I can't let go of her with all of these issues in the way. I will let her make the call when to get married and have sex, I won't pressure her but if she waits to long I might have to start putting the pressure on. I guess only time will tell.

12-27-05, 11:30 AM
MrsS
Doug, my dear...We've been with you throughout a good part of this relationship and it seems to me that you've rarely been happy with the situation. Darlin', this is going to sound very harsh, but break it off so that you are both free to meet someone whose values, goals and wishes are more compatable with your own... It will hurt like major surgery, but Sweetheart, you both deserve to be happy and you don't make one another happy nearly as often as you misunderstand and frustrate each other...let her go. Free yourself to find a girl who can return your feelings in full measure.
Make it your New Year's Resolution.

12-27-05, 01:24 PM
babthrower
Red Face Gee, thanks, FrankV. But it's just common sense, isn't it? I think what we have here is a man who wants to do the right thing but doesn't want to hurt anyone. We can all relate to that!

12-27-05, 03:35 PM
frankvan
Common sense, perhaps. But not many people have as much of it as you do. Must have something to do with that clean Canadian air. Wink

12-28-05, 06:03 PM
kittypal
Doug, I agree with MrsS....Sometimes being wiith someone is more of a habit than anything, habits are hard to break and can feel terrible to do, but you and her both WILL get over it even if it seems like you won't. It sounds like you ned to move on and find someone who is on the same wave as you. You are not doing her or yourself any favors by staying together.

12-29-05, 10:58 PM
SeattleRon
break up with her Doug. You're just using her because she's dumb. Sorry if it hurts.
There is no way you two should be together.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SeattleRon, 01-01-06 04:36 PM

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