I'm looking for a website which can help my 17 year old son deal with having a new sibling.

My son really doesn't know how to react or how he should feel. He does not get along with his dad or his dad's girlfriend and there is a lot of arguing going on. I had a long talk with him yesterday and his dad did too. Before he found out about the pregnancy, he was considering not even going over his dad's house anymore. I really want to find a site that he can just browse through. All of the sites I found are on teen pregnancy or very young children preparing for the new addition to the family. They just are not helpful. I really am looking for a site with a teen perspective on a new baby.

P.S. Yes, I did stop laughing long enough to make this post. Sweet justice! lol

General advice

A Message Board

Try a local hospital for literature on the subject. Also try the state Dept. of Family Services.

Oh! Dorian!! Thank you so much!

Clare

I can't help with the boards but I did have a little advice I wanted to share.

My husband was in the same situation with his youngest brother. His biological father left his mother and siblings when my husband was only three, and was the "leave the kid sitting on the porch waiting to be picked up for visitation" kind of father. When my husband was 15, his father had another baby with his current wife (though the jury is out if it is actually his kid).

My husband has a lot of resentment on being replaced, like "what was so wrong with my brother, sister, and I that our father had to leave us and make another family?" My husband's sister by the same father has spent her life so far trying to replace her father, because he replaced her (please see threads on herport about this topic, for an idea of how bad it can be.) My husband's older brother has spent his life bucking every possible bit of normalcy, in an attempt to be as not like his dad as he can. (Thankfully, my husband tries to be as unlike his bio-dad as possible by being an excellent father.)

The best advice I can give you for dealing with this is to help your son see that there is nothing wrong with him. HE is not the reason his father and you are not together, and his father did not have another baby because HE wasn't good enough. It has nothing to do with him. There is probably no way you can hammer that message home enough to really get it through his heart, but it needs to be said, and said a lot.

I wish your son and you a lot of luck on this. Kids tend to feel rejection when an absent parent starts a new family, like "Why wasn't I good enough for him?" It's really sad when a parent can't be mature enough to have a relationship with thier own child, especially when they turn around and have more kids when they don't even parent the one(s) they have! I have a feeling though that with you around, your son will come out of this okay.

Clare, M'Dear...call me....I have no useful sites, but may have something to offer you and your son...I'm not sure if this is comic, tragic or both!

Mx2- You certainly are right about not parenting the kid he has. My son says he doesn't feel like he is being replaced. He sort of feels sorry for the new baby. He doesn't want his little brother or sister growing up like he did. He is also worried about the baby having problems when it is born. He is taking a biology class and asked me a ton of questions about defects and what happens if the mom doesn't take care of herself. She is 3 months pregnant, has no job and no health insurance. My ex may end up marrying her. That adds to my son's stress. Thank you for responding. It helped.

MrsS - I will call you for sure! You always know the right thing to do or say.

Personally, I think it is more comic. He always tells my son... "One year left and I'm free!" or "I'm gonna start living my life and party!" or "Its gonna be MY time!" OMG I laughed so hard when I found out. Serves him right!( I didn't laugh in front of him or my son though) I do feel bad for my kid. He hasn't been sleeping well and the whole situation is really stressing him out.

I am honestly glad he doesn't feel replaced. Worry is a lot easier to manage, and it shows what a compassionate person he is.

Perhaps your ex never heard of karma?? He was seriously tempting the fates there, and they gave it to him!

A 17 year old is practically an adult, meaning that he is not bound by the threat of standing in the corner or a spanking to do as you desire him to do. By this time he should be well formed of opinion and have a decent idea of what he likes and dislikes. Perhaps you have noticed that he has an opinion? Some late teens, or so I hear, do actually make some small noise that indicates so – hard to tell with the majority

Sounds to me that this is a normal dysfunctional family. Other than the Cleavers there is no such thing as a “normal” family. Our society does place this huge importance on the mythological “normal” family – however there really are none of those. I think it is time that this is stressed to the 17 year old so he understands that all families are usually F.I.N.E (f-ed up, insecure, neurotic and emotional) to one degree or another. (You may put it in other words if you are uncomfortable with the way I put it).

He is not duty bound to like his father or to like his father’s new family. He must understand that he does not have to associate with them if he chooses. With the situation as presented there is no “right way” or “wrong way” to deal with this. If he was already having issues with his father prior to the new baby on the way, then there are deeper things going on here that he needs to address first.

From the latter post of this thread his concerns over the baby demonstrates that he is thoughtful and has a better grasp of the situation than we may think. His concerns are valid given the reasoning and the past experience and present situation. He is on the right track to working through the issues and has his heart in the right place.

Given that I would say your son is mature and can find within himself the answers he needs to “deal with” the whole situation. The best we can do is assure him that his feelings are valid and that he is taking this rather well, considering his concerns are about the baby and not selfish self pity. I admire him for this and suspect that he will get through this a better man. I do not think he needs other “teens perspectives” on this matter, which may only add to the confusion inside.

Kindly send him my regards and this compliment.

I'm not sure how to take your post David.

"A 17 year old is practically an adult, meaning that he is not bound by the threat of standing in the corner or a spanking to do as you desire him to do."

What would make you think that I desired him to do that?

"Perhaps you have noticed that he has an opinion?"

What would make you assume I had not noticed?

"Given that I would say your son is mature and can find within himself the answers he needs to “deal with” the whole situation."

"I do not think he needs other “teens perspectives” on this matter, which may only add to the confusion inside."

I don't agree. I think anyone can find answers within themselves for any problem. It is nice to have people who have experienced what you are going through to give you fresh insight no matter what your age is. I think it is would be helpful for a teen to have someone their age to listen to them. Support is what Answerpool is all about. I don't think talking to other teens would be confusing. I think it would be comforting.

I think Clare is right. When I have problems as a military spouse, I talk to other military spouses. When I have parenting issues, I talk to other parents. I see no reason why a teenager about to have a new stepsibling would be "confused" by talking to other teenagers who have infant stepsiblings. Why would you not ask someone with experience in the problem you have?