My son will be 17 in a couple of weeks. He is so shy around girls. He is depressed because he was too shy to ask a young lady to the homecoming dance. What can I tell him or discuss with him that will help him get over this? By the way, part of this may be due to the fact that he is a straight A student and on the student council. (11th grade) The other kids pick on him because of his grades. But then he knows if he lets his grades slip, he has me to answer to. Any input might help him. I want to hear from the teens and the parents too.
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10-28-03, 10:56 AM
MommyTimesTwo
In all honesty, the best possible help for him would be a counselor. They would be able to help him process the feelings he has that are holding him back in social situations, which isn't something a teen is likely to share with even the closest parent.

10-28-03, 12:36 PM
Georgia85
I'm neither a teen nor a parent but I was once a shy straight A student so I can offer what worked for me. I can say that counseling would have been of no use to me because I feel that shyness is something that will or will not be overcome by each individual when the time warrants. No offense Mx2 at your suggestion. Just saying that there are other options.

What helps a lot of people to overcome shyness is to get involed in groups that are based on their interest. These do not have to be "social" groups. They can be a Chess Club, National Honor Society, Science Club. Academic groups can build self esteem and be a social outlet just as well as popular "Social" groups.

Your son will overcome his shyness as he matures. And in the meantime point out that men who were once considered "nerds" in school are now owners of computer companies and rich (Bill Gates) Big Grin

10-28-03, 11:33 PM
jusork
I was and still am very shy throughout the time I've been at school. With each year, I think I start to get a very little bit more talkative. I do it very gradually. How I do it is by adding in a little out-going motivation towards things I'm comfortable with saying(And I only talk when I am absoluetly sure it is a good thing to say. Sometimes it turns out it actually isn't though and I get embarrassed). I don't go too far from feeling uncomfortable though but I think it gets me used to speaking up a little. I definetly talk more than I did years ago. Not sure how shy he is to girls or if he's shy to everyone or can feel confident with friends. But whatever these can go for anyone. What I'd suggest is try motivating himself a little to speak up a tad bit more when he thinks of something worthy to say. Don't say just random anything. Think about it first, make sure it has a point, and wait for a good open time. Also, when someone wants to carry on a conversation with you, become very curious and ask questions about what you're wondering about. If someone says hi to you, say hi back and then bring up something else. There are many standard things to ask after a first "hi" like "So what's your next class?" or "So how's your day?" Get to know the people around you by saying a few things little by little. First just a curious question, maybe. If you can, carry on that question into a conversation. By that point, you're pretty much already an aquantance. If after answering your question they might respond with something and it might go off from there. Another helpful thing is think about what the person you're talking to has in common with you. Are you in the same class? If so, ask about how they did on the test or bring up anything else the person could know about(a movie, people, something that's happening at school). Another important thing is take your time in talking. Go slow with each word so you won't stutter or talk too fast(something I've still been working on). It'll take practice to not freeze. As for the kids bothering him, that depends what he's like. Maybe he's too uptight. If so, tell him to be more casual or maybe less worried. It might also help to look comfortable if he doesn't already. Wearing nice slacks and a nice shirt, doesn't look that comfortable(although some people can pull it off well). If he likes those clothes though, he can stay with it because he probably doesn't want to look slacker-esque and that's ok, being himself's more important anyway. If on the other hand he's just not very responsive to those bothering him, tell him to do one of three things depending on what he wants to do. Either laugh along and make fun of them a little or give them a firm "shut the **** up, you're annoying". Or he might just be able to give them a good annoyed look.

[This message was edited by jusork on 10-28-03 at 11:46 PM.]

10-29-03, 01:23 AM
Kalena
I too was a very shy young lady. I'm still quite shy around guys too. Anyway, I found that getting a job and having to interact with customers helped me to overcome some of that shyness.

10-30-03, 10:17 PM
megan_09
I can defintely relate to your son when it comes to this. Whenever I was cheerleader, I was fine when I was with the other cheerleaders, but put me by myself and I completley clam up. Then I was old enough to get a job and make my own money and I was basically forced out of my shell. I have to be nice and talkitive with the people that come there because my job depends on it.
Maybe if your son got an after school job, or found some friends that aren't really shy, then maybe he would open up around the ladies a little bit more.

10-31-03, 02:01 AM
SeattleRon
angela, have him start out slow. have his friends help him out with confidence.
The worst thing you can do is to tell him yourself that he's a handsome boy. Because he'll just think that you're just saying it because you're his mom.
Take him out to a movie this weekend with one of your friends who has a daughter around his age, someone he's known and feels comfortable with and leave them alone.

A dance is a big step, especially something formal. I sugest you let him start out small. A movie, or a small party. Maybe seeing if he will go to dinner with a girl at first. Here are some keys to sucess over Shyness...

*Confidence!

*the girl you are talkin to, think of her as someone really ugly so you don't get nervous.

*use a really really cheesy pickup line, it's so cheesy that it makes them laugh.
Won't say what mine is though sorry!

*and of course Smile!

hey angela thats how I do it and it works for me. If you or your boy have questions feel free to email me ok.

Best of Luck!
11-01-03, 11:11 AM
Pin~Jinx
The fact taht your son has got his priorities right a-c is commendable!
It is so much in vogue (infact, has always been) to be bad and do harmful stuff_to your own self!

As to his shyness problem,
if looked upon from the context of getting dates,
there are girls who secretly dig shy and nerdy guys. You know,it is a sort of assurity that any relationship pursued with him would be serious. (just an image one gets, no rule as such)
Shyness is a personality trait in itself.
and I beleive that it shold go away gradually, naturally. It shouldn't be a false veneer forced upon him. The last thing you want to do in a relationship is be fake!

I think Georgia85 gave an excellent solution : get involved in activities which help you unwind (and more importantly : loosen up) and ofcourse, these hobbies should be practiced in groups.

Pin~Jinx / anarchist

11-03-03, 12:00 PM
mystery250
Well, I have been extremely shy around everyone my whole life, especially girls, yes, I have had little crushes on them before, but I cannot let them know that! Wink I am extremely shy... I don't see any way I can fix that, so I am slowly taking steps, to perhaps try to interact with everyone more. I definately understand what your son is going through, I am going through the same thing right now. I will be 16 next month. I really do need to overcome this...

05-20-04, 09:45 PM
The rev. Dan
Seatteron Does not have a clue.
Tell him to siese the moment. it will never come again.
Tell him that No matter what his grades are, you still love him.
Mom You can't fix this he needs to be self reliant.
He needs to let his personality Shine on.
Be him self. You can not project your wishes on him. He is old enough to walk that road by him self.
As for the Smartness He is being picked on by jelaulous People that can't keep up.
My Son Is like yours. only in 8th grade. this world awaits him.

As I would tell my soon and yours walk the road of who you are. not that of what your friends think you are.
More times than not they do not have a clue of what is best for you.

05-20-04, 10:38 PM
jusork
Aren't these contradictory:

"Tell him to siese the moment. it will never come again."

"Be him self. You can not project your wishes on him. He is old enough to walk that road by him self."

And they're probably messing with him because they can, not because they like who he is (because they're jealous. That's a weak Oprah explaination to try to put a reason into something that starts as a meaningless action. They pick on him because he's ripe for them to be entertained by him. He's right there doing something to make fun of and they play off of it.)

Ron's advice seems just fine. He just adds in playful yet helpful suggestions. If he wants confidence, I think Ron's way would be the best way. Small is always good for shy people to start with. Don't tell him to sieze the day. He'll have no idea where, when, or what to start seizing with that advice.

05-20-04, 10:50 PM
The rev. Dan
Not at all. He needs to find himsself And be ok With it

05-21-04, 03:52 PM
coldfuse
Rev Dan, I am glad both you and SeattleRon are members of our community. Differing viewpoints are catalysts for discussion.

I suspect your advice in human relations would carry more weight if they did not begin with attacks such as "Seatteron Does not have a clue" [sic]. I don't see Ron giving you advice on spelling. Folks respond poorly to such suggestions in most places I have been, including your neck of the woods.

Angela, your son may blossom socially as he has done intellectually. Each happens at its own pace, in its own time. Guts and humor, without the fear of hearing "no", will carry him to the next level.

05-21-04, 04:08 PM
Karrow
Rev Dan, whilst it is perfectly acceptable to say that you disagree with another member, to baldly state that that someone "doesn't have a clue" is not acceptable. It is unnecessarily rude.

05-21-04, 05:17 PM
jusork

quote:Originally posted by coldfuse:
I don't see Ron giving you advice on spelling.

Bwwaaahahaha! Hilarious.

05-21-04, 09:52 PM
The rev. Dan
Look I take it personal when he starts the attack. At other post I saw no one standing in my corner except one other. But I am the new guy and have been admonished by the powers that be. hence forth No more S.R refs. With or without bad spelling. We all must learn to play nice together. I was wrong and have been WARNED multiple times. I admit it i was wrong. Is everyone happy now?
But I Bow to your Experiance in this forum and will learn from it. Will others? If I am continualy subjected to S.R.'s Attacks I WILL return the salvos. I will never run from anyone!
I am sorry you all did not investigate Your facts before judgement. however If this is permisable to let one run of mouth with out Equal scorn Then I gave all of you too much credit for intelligence In this forum. and will no longer waste yours or my time here
But to the innocent bystanders I appologize And i would refure you all to a post in Dirty dancing 5/3/04 and follow it's temperment flow to the end.
Maybe you all can understand my foible and help me through it? If you take the time to notice the dates of my posts. And I too must admit they get overly focused on S.R.. Prior to his replys at me. I am a pretty saddate person. But I will never sit back and TAKE IT.

05-22-04, 07:04 AM
Karrow
Rev Dan, I treat everyone equally, and moderate only by the site rules. SeattleRon had one post deleted and another edited because I considered that he had overstepped the mark when replying to you in the "Dirty Dancing" thread. You had obviously forgotten that when complaining of unequal justice. If you wish to discuss this any further, e-mail me.

My apologies to the author of this thread for temporarily taking it off topic.

05-24-04, 08:35 PM
The rev. Dan
I Too Apologize for going off topic.
With my most sincerest regrets That I let my emotions over take logic. Please feel free to pile on with the rest. I have been humbled by the support .
I hope to never let this happen again!
The Rev Dan U.L.C.

05-24-04, 09:02 PM
bedstor
Rev Dan
Sorry for making you look silly But Ron has Left AP (last week) to look after a sick relative in the Phillipines
So you have been posting to thin air Red Face
To confirm this look in www.Discussionpool.com
He Posted as:RonnieTheGent
By the way He has come on in leaps and bounds and he has made some decent posts Smile
Such as this
He'll be back at the end of the year Smile

05-24-04, 11:09 PM
puppyblues
YES! (sorry to be off subject here too) but SeattleRon has come leaps and BOUNDS in his posts. You should have seen him when he first joined Wink (well, when he wasn't suspended, anyway Big Grin)

I'd like to think that AnswerPool has had a good influence on SeattleRon's attitude toward life...as I said, he's come a long way, baby Cool

As you were....

05-24-04, 11:33 PM
K.K.
overcoming shyness
As much as I like taking things that have gone off topic and giving them a good go myself, I would like to say to Angela, I was a straight 'A' student too shy to try and I decided to throw caution to the wind.

I went up to the most popular girl in class and told her that I thought she was a cutie-pie and asked for her phone number. I waited for the sneer or slap in reply for my reward, but instead she reached into her satchel for a pen and paper. Another thing to let him know is the Michael Jordan quote used a few years back by a shoe company. I can only paraphrase now, it has been a long time since I heard it, but it was something like," Twenty two times I let my team down and failed to make the winning shot... I failed more times than most people ever do, but it is because I tried more times than others that I was able to succeed as often as I did..."

Like I said it is a paraphrase but the sentiment is clear. A slap in the face is about the worst thing that can happen and "Pain hurts but only for a minute, life is short so go on and live it...cause the chicks dig it!" Smile

05-26-04, 08:46 PM
The rev. Dan
Hugh's Post With quote by M.J.
Outstanding!
I bow to the wiser mind.

coldfuse
Outstanding response, Hugh!

The entirety of the quotation:

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
05-29-04, 10:55 PM

K.K.
Thanks fuse! Big Grin

06-18-04, 10:57 AM
Scotty Angel
As a disabled man I was very high and withdrawn as a teen. Kids in school tend to slot you into a group and your "status" never changes. The best bet for your son would be getting a job. After all people in the workplace have NO IDEA how your son is viewed at school and therefore will take him for who he is. Also getting him involved with a worthy cause like home building for the poor, soup kichens ect may help him to take the focus off himself and place it on the people he is helping. An added plus to this approach is that girls dig guys who show a sensitive side.

06-28-04, 01:25 AM
DvdGStwrt
HE DOES NOT NEED HELP, nor does he have to have a girl friend, nor does he have to be all of the things the rest of the herd is.

Love him and tell him that you accept him for who he is. Tell him that he does not have to be like everyone else. To force him to be something he is not will confuse and most likely lead to a life long sense of guilt, self loathing and various other negative self image issues which he doesn't need. For him to believe that he must force himself to be something he is not a good thing.

He shouldn't have to feel guilty about being shy - Shy folk are natural and part of the diversity that makes up life.

Shy folk are often more introspective, deep thinkers, slow to action but deep of thought. Shy folk tend to be more intelligent, more book learned and will make a few good friends than a lot of iffy friends. Shy folk stand back and watch and are excellent students of human nature, they observe, weight and compare and will come out and talk to those who they feel are trustworthy. It is part of the gifts that shy folk have. The gifts may be hard to see, but they are there. Trust me, there is a special uniqueness to being a shy person than being one of the herd, or worse, a social butterfly Eek

He is fine, as long as he isn't running away and hiding under the nearest table, he is fine and well and normal - He is being himself which shouldn't be a crime.

As for the girls. One will come along - in time. And when she walks, or dances into his life he will know that she is the one and will know exactly what to say and do. Trust me, when THE ONE comes into a shy person's life, they know it. If he doesn't feel comfortable enough to walk up to any girl he knows, then most likely she is not the one. Shy folk have another sense to them which tells them to not approach the wrong people.

While being bullied and called names and being shunned by the herds of cattle, er, other students, he can think to himself that straight A's will get him farther in life, not socializing, brings with it its share of gifts and gives him much more time to figure out more important things that what the cattle, um, I mean other students are doing.

In reality he is probably in a far, far better place being shy than all of those social butterflies, after all, being shy means you don't have to compete in those silly fads and fashions and other statements.

He is a unique human being and DOES NOT have to do what everybody else does. Oh sure, they may think he does, but he doesn't.

David

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,