If you had a teenager and you knew they were smoking pot, how would you react? Would you say its okay, would you show them what happens to them pychically? If you as a parent participated in marijuana use, do you feel it is wrong for your child to do drugs?
Also, what about cigarettes? If you knew they were smoking cigarettes and you smoked yourself would you say do as I say, not as I do? These are issues I'm sure all parents have to deal with?
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07-03-03, 07:57 PM
puppyblues
I think you are right about it being issues all parents have to deal with, whether it's when their kids are in middle school, high school or college (some even in grade school now).
You've asked some pretty tough questions and I've taken the whole day to post a response. I still can't think of the 'right' answers, so I'll just tell you my opinion. Smile

If I found out my daughter (I have only one child, she's 16 yrs. old) was smoking marijuana I would have a problem with it first and foremost because it's illegal. I've taught my daughter to respect the law, no matter what...and since she's under 18, that goes for cigarettes as well. After that, I would talk to her about the dangers of smoking it, what it could do to her, that's it's often used as a 'gateway' drug and how it could ruin her life.
Personally, I don't think that I have to worry about my daughter using any type of drugs. I think the 'parents...your anti-drug' campange works for her because her dad got addicted to drugs. He was a great dad and husband until about six years ago when he started using drugs. His life, and therefore ours, went down hill from there. She is seeing first hand exactly what it can do to someones life and how it effects their family, and it's not a pretty site. Frown
I know that all kids experiment to a certain extent and I don't suppose that will ever change, no matter what we tell them, but keeping them informed and watching them very closely is the key. Make sure you know who they are with, what they are doing and watch their behavior for changes. I do that with my daughter all the time because I'm so scared that she will try something and get hooked like her dad. So far, she is totally anti-drug and hates them with a passion. After all, they destroyed her family. Frown

Did that help at all?

07-04-03, 08:15 PM
Sandy
Gee, Puppy, I couldn't have said it better. I'm so sorry that you and your daughter had to go through such a tragedy. I also don't think that because I may have made some stupid choices as a teen, that that gives my children a reason to indulge. I'm only hoping that my kids will learn from my mistakes and stay away from pot and cigarettes. My oldest daughter is always reminding me that she saved my life, because I quit smoking 17 years ago when I wanted to get pregnant with her. I don't think I have to worry about either of my daughters doing drugs, but I don't take that for granted and yes, I ask the questions!

07-05-03, 01:11 AM
Wildflower63
My son is having a grand time with a little weed. He and his friends think it is so cool. They all smoke cigarettes too. Am I thrilled? Of course not. Can I do anything about it? No.

I talk to him. I give him the facts about what he is doing. It is horrible for your health. That concerns me the most really. I told him to get rid of the cigarettes and keep the pot. Pot is easy to stop. They spend quite a lot more time talking about pot, listening to pot songs, and thinking they are so cool than they really smoke pot anyway.

I keep an open dialoge with the kids. He knows he isn't going to get into big trouble. He does know that I am going to have something to say, which is ok. Kids expect that. He knows that he isn't getting any stupid hyserical parent nonsense. He knows he will get the facts.

You can't stop the brats. They will just pass around a bottle of Visene. I try to work with the issues. I work with him, not against him. Teens react terribly to a choke chain around their neck. They are trying to turn into adults and want input and choices, even the bad ones, in their life. Ok, a parent has to help them steer.

I have caged the brat over pot smoking. He and his friends are old enough to have money to buy pot to keep them high all the time every day. He started pulling that. Enough!! I kept him in the house. No friends allowed in The Domain. I explained to him that he was going too far. He was high for the fourth day in a row. He did not call back these old guys that pay him good to fix things. He was being completely irresponsible. Until he gave some thought to balance, he was going to hang out with mommy for a while.

Usually kids have a fit over this sort of thing. He didn't. He stayed in. He very respectfully asked to go somewhere with his friend after a few days. During that time, we talked about all kinds of things that affect his future. He has a lot of options in front of him. Habitual pot smoking will take you down. Look at your father if you don't believe me. Well, that thought scared him. He doesn't want to be like his addict father chaising a high. So, he sees truth to what

I'm telling him a lovely example of what he could be if he doesn't keep pot smoking in proper context, once in a while, a party, something along those lines. I expect kids to experiment. What they don't realize it that they are playing with fire. Some people, like his father, slowly get settled in with that lifestyle and look what you have. It's pathetic.

He is old enough to see his father's spiral down. He knows it is very true. He knows it can happen to him. He hates that idea. I haven't had to cage him since. Yeah, I go downstairs and talk to the boys all the time. I like kids. Being open with communication and keeping your reactions under control is very key to helping them through teens to adulthood. Being a parent is a tough job, but someone has to do it!

07-05-03, 01:28 AM
Texan-In-Exile
Soaringhorse - You have some wonderful parenting questions!
If I found out my kids (one is 27, the other is 14) were smoking pot - or doing any other drug - I would "read the riot act"! I would want them to know what could happen as a result of it.

Just because a parent makes mistakes doesn't give the kids the right to do the same. We parents want better for our kids, and we should let them know!
Kids using the line "You did it" just doesn't wash! Just a cop-out! And they need to know that we know that!

I know that cigarettes are legal. That's when you have to really set an example and even get the kids so used to no smoke that they won't be able to handle cigarette smoke! And try to show them pictures of healthy and cigarette-infected lungs.

Be firm in your stand! They'll try hard, so you've got to try harder!
Good luck and Godspeed!

07-05-03, 05:28 AM
Wildflower63
Texan, I agree with the post as a whole. I completely disagree that setting an example will do anything to encourage or deter a cigarette smoker. Take a look at family trends. My parents are both non smokers from both parents being smokers. I smoke. My daughter wont tolerate her brother smoking in front of her or there will be a blood bath.

I think it is a 50/50 shot at smoking from the old nature/nurture contraversy. I would have to guess with smokers as parents, there has to be some inherited tendancy towards this. But, we all have a choice. Our social culture many times dictates this to young people in molding years.

Once a teen decides to be a smoker, can we do anything about it? No. They just hide it better. My father beat the hell out of me with a belt. It wasn't abuse. It was strong reaction to a very dangerous mistake I had made. He tried what he knew to stop me, fear. It didn't work. I still smoke.

Hell, I wish it were as simple as dicipline. I wouldn't be a smoker and neither would my son. It is so much easier to put your foot on pot smoking with teens than cigarette smoking. I reason that some of us inherit some addictive tendancy. I got it from grandparents who all smoked cigarettes. My brother does not smoke cigarettes and never has. My parents didn't.

It wasn't a matter of example at all. It was more a matter of social environment, desire to have fun and be cool mentality that many teens have, and personal choice of whether or not it makes them ill after first trying it. I so brilliantly in younger years created a lifetime addiction. My dad was right. That is why he knocked the hell out of me. I will never be a non smoker ever again, just an ex smoker and a forever addiction to a cigarette.

It is a sad, live altering decision to smoke cigarettes when we are young and ignorant. Pot is easy. I have seen many addicts that chaise any high, pot included. I have never in my life seen a pothead that doesn't make an everyday choice of lifestyle.

Pot is a chosen lifestyle. Cigarettes are a permanent addiction problem. It's like comparing apples and oranges. The decision making process for the two are completely different.

07-06-03, 04:02 AM
Yelena

quote: They spend quite a lot more time talking about pot, listening to pot songs, and thinking they are so cool than they really smoke pot anyway.

LMFAO, wildflower you're great. Big Grin

07-07-03, 01:51 AM
Wildflower63
Thanks so much Yelena. I take a lot of criticism for my parenting ideas. Teens are not stupid. I never treat them as stupid children. I make my remarks, such as idiot. Reason, I was an idiot too. I went through the same things. I have a love for fun too. "Don't do as I do, do as I say." doesn't work. Teens are way too smart for remarks such as that.

I tell my kids the really dumb things I did and the impact it had later. Is it worth it? They can easily decide. Don't reinvent the wheel guys. I'm a lifetime addict to a stupid cigarette. I know they aren't going to buy, "No, because I'm mom and said so." They are far too smart for that. They seek logic and reason or they will ignore you.

I was never spoiled with parental gimmes. My family couldn't throw out a minor, impossible daughter. They weren't divorced to toss me around. They were stuck with me for two more years. I did work. I worked very hard at low paying jobs until I got sick of it. I got an education finally. I tried vocational school, worked two jobs at the same time only to find vocational training didn't make me any more money (Well, very little.) than I was making at a restaurant or casher.

I later, with a lot of fear, tried the university. I'm the only college grad in my family. Had my parents given me handouts, that would be a different story. I quit school. I was expected to take the adult consequences of that choice. I did willingly. I learned a lot from it too.

Parents need to stop treating teens as if they were grade school kids. They aren't. They are also able to take adult consequences for stupid decisions. Again, we learn so much more from our mistakes in life than our successes.

They are way too smart, but inexperienced, for childish sort of treatment. It doesn't work. I smoke cigarettes. I do drink at times. I am an adult that has earned that privilege. They haven't yet. Am I going to quit smoking to set some stupid example? No. It doesn't work. I tell them what I have done to myself and it isn't good. The truth of adult life is owed to teens. I will tell them, not shield them.

I believe giving teens valid information about adulthood is a far better gift for life than punishing them for stupid decisions. We are very much underestimating the ability of a teen to understand logic. They can. Let them learn the hard way, even if you hate it as a parent. They learn a lifetime lesson with good guidance. To me, that is parenting teens.

Ok, throw rocks at me everyone! I give teens a lot of credit for intelligence. They don't have experience. Tell them, teach them. I feel I am giving my kids so much more knowledge about adult life, that they are quickly going to be thrown into, than shielding them. Don't criticize them. They are just as human as we are and were. Talk. Give them the best you can.

Any other parenting suggestions on teens that actually works would be greatly appreciated. Please, give me some input even if you don't agree with my post. I'm doing the only thing I know how to do. Help needed!!!

07-07-03, 04:31 AM
Yelena
Whoo hoo wildflower you rock!! Youre kids are lucky. Big Grin

07-08-03, 11:31 AM
SeattleRon
I'm only 21. I did my share of pot.

One day when I have a child and I found out they used pot, I would have to discuss it with my spouse on how to deal with it.

If I was the only parent, it would be diffrent. I can't really be a hippocrit. I would explain to them that pot could lead to legal problems which can be very costly and that I would not be paying the money for it.
I would also explain to them how sometimes it can lead to other drugs. Could I tell them to stop? I suppose I could. I just know for a fact that if I did tell them to stop they would do it behind my back, just like my parents did to their parents. JUst like I did to my parents.
I could demand that they quit, but it won't do no good. teenagers do what they want.

[This message was edited by Karrow on 07-10-03 at 08:01 PM.]

07-08-03, 01:57 PM
Georgia85
Soaringhorse....I'd be turning my kid (or any kid) in to the police faster than you can say "Operator, give me the police department."
Think I'm kidding? Think I'm a snitch? All I can say is, it's ILLEGAL and I don't make the laws...but I can make darn sure anyone living under my roof will be abiding by those laws.

07-09-03, 05:20 AM
Wildflower63
Where do you toss kids that smoke pot? No, I'm not marching them down to the police station. It only gets me legal problems and could have my son taken from me. He could meet some really cool kids then, like the ones who rob people and steal cars.

I would have to pay legal fees since my son is a minor. I would have cops that I do not want watching my house. With today's unfair drug laws, all they have to do is catch one of these kids with pot and my house gets legally taken away. That is too much parental risk for me to take.

I'll take the parenting job, not the police department I am less than impressed with anyway. I want to be left alone do deal with my own family problems without police intervention.

We are talking about a few boys that get their paws on pot here and there. This is not an addiction problem or I would adress psychological help. This is a teen fun problem. I do not allow pot, beer, or anything in my house. I'm sure they hide it from me. I do visit the boys. I know what post smells like. I would catch them easily if they were doing it here.

Yes, my son would have his domain taken right out from under him. That is a privilige, not a must have. He can also sit with mommy if he feels like getting carried away with this. Law does equal right and wrong. I will handle this and the boys I let into my home.

07-09-03, 07:03 AM
soaringhorse
This is an issue that I worry about very much, because some may say its not addicting, believe me when I say not only is it, but it leads to other drugs, e.g. pills, cocaine, crack, acid, etc. It's a vicious road to be on and it should not be taken lightly. One, your parents should be setting a good example, don't do pot yourself, and then expect them not to. Two, if you suspect there is pot smoking going on, take away privileges, ground them and get professional help. There are rehab centers in the hospital just for these circumstances. Three, if it is a continual pot smoker who shows decline in their schoolwork, attitude, then you better help. This is not good and needs immediate attention. Yes I do believe the police are to be reinforced at this time. They are not supposed to do drugs, and you can twist it all you want to say your child is innocent, but the outcome of drug abuse is far more frightening.
What kind of life will these kids have if you allow this to go on, will they graduate, go to college. Will they spend more time getting "high" then working, these are just minimal compared to the more severe outcomes.

07-09-03, 09:38 AM
Elexina
If I had a child who was smoking marijuana, I would not tolerate it for one reason and one reason only: it is illegal.
I may not agree with the law on this subject, but the fact remains that it is illegal, and that is the bottom line.
As for cigarettes, they are illegal as well, until the age of eighteen, and that is the bottom line there, too.
I understand the pressure that kids are under, I realize that "everyone" has tried pot and "everyone" has smoked cigarettes, and I am no less guilty than anyone else, but I do not feel that enforcing the law makes me a hypocrite.
Once a child is an adult and is responsible for his own actions (and medical bills) what he wants to do with his body is his prerogative, but until then, so long as the child is under my roof, he obeys the law.
If he smokes anything outside of my sphere of control, I cannot change that. I could not follow him where ever he goes, I could not put him in a bubble. Kids have to have some freedoms. But it would be very clear that breaking the law is not tolerated.

07-09-03, 02:41 PM
puppyblues
Wildflower, count how many times you said "I" in your last post. When are you going to start doing what's best for the kids and not what is convienent for you??

07-09-03, 09:55 PM
Wildflower63
Yeah Pup, and who exactly are you to be the judge and jury of what is in the best interest of my children? I am their mother. I love those kids more than myself. I do the right thing by them even if you do not approve of the means.

My drunk husband is disruptive, yes. I have to be employed and able to support us to leave. A shelter isn't the answer. Neither is sending a kid to the police station that has a felony conviction over smoking a joint. He passes drug tests. Is that good enough? There is no way this kid is smoking very much pot at all.

Since you think you are such a better parent, maybe I should send the brats to you. Lets see you try what I have for these kids. You haven't walked yet have you? I left my drunk husband for five years. I didn't put up with it.

Sorry, but it takes cash and a lot of it. This house is expensive. It is big and in a fantastic neighborhood. It isn't easy. I have no one to rely on but myself. They have no one to rely on but me. If I can't fend for myself, I can't fend for these children either. I have too many assets to be a discusting welfare mother. My husband is only home long enough to be a problem and pass out anyway. Yes, he drives me insane. He isn't hurting the kids physically or by example. I wont allow it.

So, what is truly in their best interest? ******** I try very hard. Do not insult my efforts when I seriously doubt many parents could do any better than I am with the given situation.

Thanks

[This message was edited by Karrow on 07-10-03 at 11:04 AM.]

07-09-03, 10:21 PM
puppyblues
You asked for opinions, Wildflower...I'm calling it like I see it. How many times have you called your kids 'endearing' names on here? You call your daughter a 'little bitch', your kids are 'brats'??? Hell no, I wouldn't take your kids for any amount of money. You didn't do your job as a parent when they were little, it's nobody else's job to take care of them but yours.

YOU asked for honest opinions, I gave mine, take it for what it's worth.

07-10-03, 01:10 AM
Wildflower63
I didn't do my job as a parent? And just how would you know about this Pup? For your information, I did what every well intended parent did. I disciplined my kids. This momma doesn't raise spoiled, sheltered kids. I taught them values. I taught them right from wrong, good from bad. I taught them standards.

Now, I am having a problem parenting teens. Yes, I call it as I see it too. If my son acts like an idiot, I will call him an idiot. If my daughter acts like a bitch, I will call her a bitch. I also take corrective action immediately. I am doing right by my children to prepare them for a harsh adult world they are going to spend a lot more of their life in than the shelter of mommy. My children answer to me for bitch and idiot behavior always.

I'm not one of those "my kids are so perfect" parents that is ashamed to admit fault. I'm not religious, but read the seven deadly sins. You may understand the truth to it. Look it up on the web. There are a lot of explanations behind it. It is so true.

A lot of parents, and probably yourself included, fail to see some character flaws in their children simply because they don't want to. You are not doing them a favor by ignoring small things that indicate character flaws. You pound them for it to build a decent person. I do it. Do you? I am building character, not worrying about the small stuff teens are very apt to do.

They will make mistakes and learn a lot from them. I am doing better by them letting them learn and teaching than dragging my son with a felony conviction to the police station over smoking a joint that kids do experiment with. There is an undeniable drug culture in this country. All do not agree with current drug laws, myself included. Independent thought with ethics is far superior to conformity.

They have been taught better than bitch and idiot behavior. Sorry if anyone is offended by my descriptiveness. Do you understand my anger over seemingly small issues? Any parent who has actually tried should. It is unacceptable to me. I demand a higher standard of mentality, not necessarily 'act like good children' behavior oriented mentality. I also am wise enough to realize that treating teens like children does not work. I seek alternatives to intelligent, yet unexperienced with life, to guide and teach better ways of humanity. I don't know all the answers. Yet I ask. I don't want or need criticism. I get plenty of that. I need some serious answers from parents who can identify.

One kid is easy to raise. Two children of opposite sex pose very different and more difficult parenting issues. You can't put them in the same bedroom to share. Ever price a three bedroom apartment? You would die. I slept on a fold out couch so my kids could have a bedroom of their own. Would you do that for your kids? Not many would. I did. I took a lot of hardship to have my children with me. I'm the only one they have in this life. They count on me.

I'm under enormous pressure to deliver. Not just to them, but a demanding job also. Oh, lets not mention family that dumps every problem on me. I'm apparently the only financial wizard. I am excellent at handling money I am apparently the only one who can solve a damn problem. Yes, it gets dumped right in my lap. My husband thinks I am a mother figure. I do all that nasty stuff he doesn't feel like messing with. Like I do! I'm sick of being smart and capable. Stupidity gets you everywhere it seems.

My 89 year old grandma is a problem right now living independently. I have to figure it out. No one else apparently has a neuron left to do it. I get to. Like I don't have enough with just these kids alone and keeping them on track. I have everyone surrounding me unaccountable for nothing. I would love to know why. I'm getting pounded.

See what you get for being smart, cool headed, and resourceful? A bunch of unaccountable people dumping the load on you. That is exactly what you get for having brains and being the smart one. I cannot support children on WalMart wages. I need the nursing pay.

I had a walking paycheck and it went down hill from there with addiction problems. I did leave for five years. I'm back due to eviction and job loss. That slit my throat in my ability to continue raising my kids independently. I needed their father. I needed our jointly owned home for these children. I live in an expensive neighborhood that is very desirable. That takes cold cash and a lot of it. If I cannot provide for myself, I am unable to provide for them. For that, I am forced to say the word 'I' quite a lot. If 'I' can't fend for myself, I can't do anything for these kids. So, I demand something from my husband that I haven't seen in years, responsibility. He is their father, like it or not. I am the one person who took any responsibility at all. That is all inclusive.

You have absolutely no room to criticize me at all. Your husband has addiction problems also. Why aren't you taking your own advice. I did it a long time ago. You had a husband to help until he got addiction problems. How many years ago was that? I would have to imagine his paycheck did support the family largely. My husband's did and is again a full five years later when I need help desperately. Until you take your own advice and go to a shelter or march to the police station overreacting to a drug addiction problem that does not exist, I'm not listening. Newsflash everyone, kids do try and experiment. Didn't we all, except Georgia. I'm still jealous of her. She wasn't the same idiot teen the rest of us were. I have two kids to support, not one. I have to divide attention between two demanding children of opposite sex. You only have one. It is a world of difference you will never understand unless you have experienced it yourself.

Wake up Pup. We are talking serious, life altering, decisions here. You should know this. If you don't, it is your own ignorance. I have been in the rough old world to fend for myself and children. You haven't yet. You are working up the nerve to do it. Yes, it is so hard that you can't even comprehend it yet. I don't blame you for ignorance. But, I have been there. I'm not ignorant of what getting out with two teens means. A drunk husband is the least of the problems at times. How about having the roof over your head at risk? It is so hard and scary.

You have to be able to stand very strong and make hard choices. I can't leave these teens alone. I don't want no supervision and no rules ever again because they know for a fact that nurses never get off work early. Yes, I worried myself sick. I was seen as a lawsuit risk for home problems that divided my attention. Nurses are allowed no mistakes. None. I was a charge nurse over all the aides and LPNs. I ran the show.

Well, until eviction problems, teen problems led to emotional meltdown. Tell me what that does for your confidence. I will tell you. It brings fear. What I went through was horrible. I felt like a failure as a medical professional when I know in my head I am a very good nurse. I can't be with all these problems distracting me. The implications are too serious. But, that's why I get higher than WalMart wages, deal with it or get out before they throw you out. Nice job stability I have.

It is truly amazing how the only responsible one gets criticized. Why don't you criticize their father for not supporting his children? Why don't you criticize him for not spending time with them? Why don't you criticize my family for dumping elder issues on me because I am the most competent? Why don't you ask my friend, Soaringhorse, where she is when I need a friend desperately? I was there for her addiction problems. I was supportive. The sad fact of the matter, I am alone in this world friendless and without any emotional support even. All I get is criticism.

When anyone feels like stepping up to the plate as I have, go for it. I have taken on so much responsibility alone it is crushing. My health isn't great at all, migraines are seemingly constant because of stress. I am not sure I can even handle the seriousness of nursing and do the best by my patients. I can't work at WalMart. I need one hell of a lot more money than that.

I didn't torture myself through four years of a harsh by local standard school that many did not make it through. I did. Others failed out and went to different universities that did not have the same standards as the one I graduated from. Then take the learning process of the job itself. School doesn't teach you that. It is a rough reality. I took a beating until I am good at what I do. I earned every bit of it with my own will and work ethic. Many women back out early. You don't hear anything from them.

You are dealing with one pissed off individual demanding others take some responsibility. They don't. They sit on their lazy butts and criticize is all. I will take no criticism for my parenting. I was the best I could give both of my children. I will take no criticism for meltdown. Others burdened me beyond any reasonable expectation of any human being.

Pup, I wont take it from you either. I know what and who I am. Don't you dare tell me that I was too self absorbed to parent my children at a young age. I did. I'm angry with my teen kids for not acting within family standards at times. I'm angry with my husband for never taking responsibility. I'm angry with so called friends for not being there when I need one when I was there for them.

My words are honest. My criticism of my children is honest. I want them to be better people, not just well behaved. I want ethics, morals, standards out of them. Nothing less will I settle for. I'm looking at the big picture, not the today petty problems. I may not be the most socially adept person in the world. Does that make me weak and irresponsible? Absolutely not. I have carried a lot and I am trying the best I can.

Don't **** off the already disappointed with what I see in this world. I must have mistakenly thought this forum was to help people like me that have no one to talk to. I probably post too personal of topics that others would dream of saying about their family or children. But, I need a friend, even if it is an online one.

It looks to me like women could understand where I'm coming from. Why don't they? Some just aren't up to par, but socially popular. I don't get it. I would love to know what the problem is. I know for fact, it isn't me. I take my own strengths and learned the hard way not to rely on others. Is it shocking that I have personal problems with my husband or children or family? No, it certainly isn't.

This forum is intended as a group to help people. Yet, here I am getting criticism. I don't get it. I very much appreciate honest evaluation. I do not appreciate undue criticism. I wont tolerate it either.

07-10-03, 08:22 AM
Georgia85
Whoa girls...there is no diving into the deep end when the lifeguard isn't present!

Wildflower, I can certainly understand the frustration and anger building up. But take that energy and channel it into something constructive. I know you think Puppy is judging you...in fact you probably think we all are. But look at it from our viewpoint too. We only know what you tell us...and sometimes it does not paint a pretty picture. WE are not under your roof 24/7 so we don't see the entire picture. We don't know how you raised your children, the type of life you lead, or how you have had to manage on your own. We just see what you post and react to that.

But just as you have asked Puppy not to judge you, please don't judge her either. You see her in such a different light than I do...and again because we only know about each other through posts here. But believe me, she has had her own set of life altering decisions to make too. And not only has she made them but she has survived and is stronger for having done so. Maybe she hasn't been in the "tough world" to fend for herself...but if I recall correctly you had some assistance yourself. Nothing wrong with that. People help people and Puppy knows that I'll be there to help her become Ms Independent when it's time. Cool

We all have our levels of comfort and we all handle things differently. One way is not necessarily better than another way. But what is important is to plan some course of action and stick to it. We are trying to offer suggestions for you. You can do with them what you want. But when YOU decide what is right for you, you will certainly have my support! Cool

And just on a side note, please don't be jealous of me. Maybe I wasn't an idiot teen....but I was an extrememly sheltered teen and when exposed to the "real world" definately had a culture shock situation to deal with. I still to this day have a hard time accepting co-habitation between unmarried couples. Eek

Wildflower, we all love you and we are here for you. And perhaps some of us can deal one-on-one via e-mails instead of doing "cannon balls" here and getting everyone wet. Smile

Feel free to write me, okay?

07-10-03, 11:49 AM
puppyblues
Wildflower, I'm not judging you. Really I'm not. I'm just really frustrated with you because you keep on asking for help, then you get angry and defensive when someone tells you something. You wanted honesty, not sugar coating. I'm really not judging you. If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't respond to you at all. Does that make sense?

No, I don't have two kids. I have one. It's not easy to raise her either and I don't have a blind eye to her faults. My daughter is far from perfect, trust me.

I'll just be quiet from here on out about this with you. You are taking it all wrong, and I'm only trying to help.

I wish you nothing but the best and if you ever do want to talk, you have my email address. Good luck, Wildflower. Smile

07-10-03, 12:41 PM
Kendor
**whistle blows**
"Adult Swim! All the kids out of the pool! Go behind the clubhouse and blow some doobage while your parents take a dip."

Well, it certainly seems a little tense 'round here, girls. I'm not going to crown or criticize anyone's parenting methods here as we're all in different areas, with different situations.

My [soon to be] 12 year old has recently been asking me about mary jane and I must say, it took me by surprise. Apparently he saw his stepdad smoking it and it made him curious. All I said to him was that this was one of the reasons I took custody of him and his brother, and I explained to him what pot does to you and what the consequences could be. (I'm very knowledgeable on the subject, hehe). Then I gave him a big hug and told him that I hope he never gets involved with pot, or any drug, including cigarettes.

It was said here that kids aren't stupid. No, they're not. Being loving, honest, and firm are the keys to steering them in the right direction, IMO.

**whistle blows**
"OK, all you red-eyed kids back in the water! We'll try and tone down that chlorine level."

07-10-03, 08:16 PM
Wildflower63
Sorry for the blow up Pup. I get very upset when someone blames me for my parenting or lack of it for my childrens poor behavior. It isn't the truth. I get extremely defensive on that one. You noticed I guess. That is the reason I get so hyper over things they say and do that goes against what they have been taught. Wow, teens are so hard to raise!

I think my problem is that I get too upset over others behavior and need to stay much more calm than what I do. I let people I care about eat at me. I need to stop. I can't control anyone but myself. That is a bit hard for me to do at times.

I have a tendancy to want to solve the world's problems. I am upset when my drunk of a husband wants to slowly kill himself in front of us. I'm upset because my mother wont take care of herself and I know she is going to die. I fear for my kids future. It is going to be so hard on them. I think that I can fix everything. I can't. I'm stressing myself out trying and making myself miserable worrying about things I have no control over.

I need a life! Think WalMart has one on sale?

07-11-03, 12:02 AM
samantha
Well wildflower puppy is right here. Maybe after you get back to work you can get away from your husband and get your own place with you children and life will get much better for you hopefully.
I think once your away from the situation there you may not feel so defensive of people trying to help you out like puppy was doing. Good luck.

07-11-03, 01:07 AM
Sherasi
Wildflower, "Save the World Syndrome" is a common problem of nurses... and families of addicted persons....

They only person you can save is yourself.... and attempt to GUIDE your children ... everyone else is on their own really...

To keep your own sanity, maybe you should just deal with what is in your own plate and your children's plates... Just like you said actually......

07-11-03, 02:30 PM
clarebear
soaringhorse asked a tough question here. This is probably one of the best and truly hardest questions I have seen at Answerpool. here goes: (deep breath)


If I found out my son was smoking pot.....


I would get on the phone immediately and start calling clinics in my area. I would without a doubt check my son into a drug clinic. He may hate me at the the time but it could save his life. I would do everything I could to make sure he got the help he needed. I would cry a lot. I would be worried sick every moment of everyday. I know that people do drugs to escape problems. I would find a way to help him deal with those problems. I try to live my life everyday the best that I can. He is not perfect nor am I a perfect parent. I do parent my son with all the love I have. My son has his attitude issues. He forgot to take the garbage out to the curb this morning. He does a half ass job on things he starts. He didn't make the honor roll. (I never got that damn sticker for my car that so many other parents have) He wants to debate everything. He thinks he knows it all. I am lucky in the fact that my son cares what I think of him. I hope he always cares what I think of him. I hope other people won't be able to influence him. I love him. He knows it. He is mad at me right now because he is going to a party tonight and I had to talk to the girl's mom. That is just the way it is. ( I am SO unfair Roll Eyes) I know who my son's friends are. I know where he is right now as I'm typing this sentence. I know where he will be at 7pm tonight and I know where he is at 2am. I talk to him all the time. I am basically raising him myself. If he ends up doing drugs then I will get him the help he needs. Would I turn him in to the police? Hell ya I would. I love my son and I would do what it takes to save his life. I can only do what I feel in my heart is right. I say that often and that is because it is true. I would NEVER condone him smoking or smoking pot EVER. Unacceptable! He is 15 years old. If he smokes pot... he is gonna WALK everywhere he goes. I certainly am not going to let him smoke a joint and get behind the wheel of a car. There are things that parents can do. My son is not an angel. He is a teenager who wants to do his own thing. All I can do is have hope that he will make the right choices for himself.

07-12-03, 06:33 AM
Wildflower63
I know everyone is going to throw rocks as me again. But, don't you guys think you are being a little extreme with your reaction? A kid experimenting with pot is not an addict. Why treat them like one. How many of us experimented ourselves in our teens? I bet most all of us did. Why are we reacting so strongly to our children doing the same thing we did? The drug culture is big. There is a lot of adult disagreement with the legality issue. Pot is so easy to put your foot on. They have already heard all the warnings and try it anyway. As a parent, I expect them to try it. I expect them to drink until they find themselves throwing their guts up too. We grow up and get over it. I bet only a small percentage of people who try pot are never going to be any addict. Just because addicts exist, they are a minority and a small one at that. I think either you guys are overreacting or I'm underreacting.

07-12-03, 07:46 AM
clarebear
Well I certainly don't want to be in the position puppy was in a few posts ago but I will answer your question. I don't think pot is that easy to put your foot down on. You said your kids are having a grand time smoking pot, they listen to pot songs and buy it themselves. You put your foot down by telling them the dangers of it. You say you have caged them and that didn't help. Your one son was high for 4 days in a row. Your son still smokes pot. You yourself said it is a lifestyle that slowly gets settled into. I agree that teens will experiment. Where do you draw the line between experimenting and addiction? Do you think your kids are still experimenting? You say that you bet there is a small percentage of people who try it that won't be addicted to it. I'm sorry but those odds just are not good enough for me. I don't agree with pot being a chosen lifestyle. Well maybe you choose it the first couple times. Your son sure puts up with a lot for his chosen lifestyle. He doesn't care what you think. He doesn't care about the punishment or the disappointment you have in him. He doesn't fear the law. There is obviously a payoff for him. If pot is so easy to put your foot down on, then why are your kids still smoking pot? I don't think it is as easy as you make it seem. I also don't think that it is as trivial as you are making it out to be. You say you expect them to try it. Trying is one thing but making it your lifestyle is another. It sounds like your kids are making it their lifestyle. Your reason for not turning them in is that they have a felony. Think about that. That is pretty serious. I am not saying that this is a result of your parenting but this is a fact of where they are now. You child has been in trouble with the law. I have seen posts where your kids have burned down buildings. I'm really not trying to rip on you here, I'm not. You say that your kids aren't angels but they have a good heart and you tell them right from wrong. Why or how could you just say that it is ok for them to smoke pot because they are "experimenting"? It could be that your kids smoking pot is the LEAST of your problems. I do not envy your position at all. I believe that you really are trying and you have done all that you think you can. I just really don't believe that condoning your child smoking pot is ok. If you feel this way and I don't then we can just agree to disagree. Don't take this post as throwing rocks at you. I am not criticizing you, I am just saying my opinion. You have posted some pretty horrible things about your kids on here. I am not saying I have a solution because I don't. I haven't lived your life and I have not experienced what you have. I am sure you have spent many nights crying, begging, pleading and bribing your kids. It is tough to be a parent. No matter what teens say, they like boundaries. My biggest fear is that my son will grow up to be like his dad. His dad just "experimented" too. I do not think I am being extreme with my reaction at all. Pot isn't easy to put your foot down on. That doesn't mean that there is no hope. There are so many people in the world out there to help that has nothing to do with the authorities. There are free clinics, health departments, schools, hotline numbers, even your own doctors office. There has to be something you can do. (if you want to do it) If you don't know where to start I'm sure a lot of people here can help you. It seems like people are trying to help you but you are taking it personal. I am here for you. You say the word and I will find you some help. You say some people grow up and get over it. Some don't. I'm just not willing to take that chance.

P.S. I think you are underreacting.

07-12-03, 09:24 AM
LVLF
wildflower, I'm sorry that don't remember the ages of your children.
I have been through, as so many of us, some very difficult times with my families, and if I had nothing to worry about except the well being of my kids, I would be in heaven and in hell at the same time. The stress level at my house is sometimes palatable, and in those times I tend to be more severe, and less tolerant of my children when they are causing a problem. My parenting standards and guides become inconsistent. That has not worked in our favor, so I have tried very hard to leave the emotional devastation I feel about other family matters out of the parenting of my children. If nothing else, I am much more consistent with the boys, ages 16, 18 and 21.
The 18 year old, actually, he won't be 18 for another week, anyway... he has been through a lot of what your boy is going through, and I understand that I, my husband, and our other two boys go right with him through it all, and it affects us all in different ways and we all handle it differently. When there is an issue that involves his behavior at school or with the law or whatever, I used to try to put the Catholic guilt on him by drilling him with 'look what your are putting me through. Then I would list all the things that are going wrong in my life, sick parents, dying relatives, my illness, financial stress,etc. Then it dawned on me one day that this was about him and what he was putting himself through, that what he is doing now, the choices he's making now, will follow him for the rest of his life and that wishing it away, wishing he'd not made those choices won't do a thing but add a heavier load of regret to his heart.
He has been caught, often, with weed. At school, at home, out and about with Friends. He's been through the juvenile system, and I don't know about everyone else, but here, in my area, it's a joke. Marijuana offenses are not taken lightly, but the punishment is not very strict.
The rode less traveled is the hardest to walk. It is so much easier to become complacent with teenagers, some more than others. They seem to fight us with each step we take, every issue becomes an ordeal and after a few rounds we start to compromise and justify because the few hours of peace we get seems to be worth it. We get tired of the same old battle every single day.
I made compromises with one son, justified his behavior, and my response to his behavior.
Then it all hit the fan. I learned that weed was his pacifer, but acid, mushrooms, cocaine and Ecstasy were his 'experiments' This, I learned, while he was in court ordered treatment, which he got kicked out of for failing a UA. Then, it was on to real treatment, stay there, live there, don't see your family for a really long time, kind of treatment. He was miserable, I was miserable, the family was miserable. But it worked. He was able to vent about things, life, his family past hurts, present hurts..everything that was on his mind since he was little but really had no one to talk to. The things in our lives that I had endlessly used as a guilt trip had a very profound affect on him. The illnesses, the dying relatives, the financial stresses, and on and on and on. Believe me when I tell you, all those things you wrote about in your posts, the drunk husband, the gram-ma, the money worries, that doesn't just belong to you, it belongs to your kids as well, plus, they have to go to school, make the grades, be cool, fit in, and on and on and on.
So, you have some very good advice from people who care. I can't tell you what to do, or how to handle your situation. At the very best, I hope that what I have posted will give you another thing to think about, another angle on the situation. It isn't as black and white as we'd like it to be. There is no easy solution, and it's very hard to give advice that doesn't come off sounding like criticism, but that is not the intent. The intent is that maybe we can give you some advice that will stop your son from having too many regrets, from moving on to the harder drugs and a harder life.
lv
07-12-03, 12:16 PM
Wildflower63
Yes, my son and another boy set an empty apartment building on fire. They stupidly thought they could control it. They couldn't. They did not intend to set the building on fire at all. Boys throwing rocks. Oh boy, that is something to get excited about. The Police charges over it are, but the act of throwing rocks is hardly criminal behavior. He made a stupid judgment call playing with fire with a bad result and he threw rocks. That is my criminal son's history. Wow. I think I'm going to die over it. Actually, I did think I was going to die over the fire given the seriousness of an error in judgment. Given the mind set of these two criminal acts and pot. I just don't see a future criminal as an adult. He doesn't have a criminal mind set at all.

I can't stop the cigarettes. They are addicting I can't stop the pot smoking either, but I can seriously limit it. I should have phrased differently. I don't think teens smoking a little pot is a big deal I guess. I don't believe pot is addicting at all. Drinking is. He doesn't drink. I honestly think this pot thing is a phase he will get over in time and stop.

In the meantime, I have a potential legal problem on my hands that could be big if he gets caught. I know people think I shouldn't protect him on this, but I will. Juvenile hall isn't in his best interest. He isn't a criminal. Yeah, I know everyone will argue that point. He isn't a shady, crooked or I don't know how to phrase it, kind of person. He likes fun too much. He is too impulsive about his idea of fun that is disrupting, not criminal. Still, it is problematic for me.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,