I have a close friend named Bonnie we have been friends for twenty years I met her when I was only fourteen and she was twenty-five I use to baby-sit for her than seven year old daughter. Bonnie has a problem she is addicted to prescription drugs she has been long before I met her. Me and Bonnie have shared a lot together over the years she has been there for me though my first very abusive marriage,and I would like to say I have been there for her too,I have stood by all her attempts to break the habit I have never judge her but only tried to be a good friend. As of two years ago Bonnie has moved down from prescription drugs to street drugs...crack being one of them. When this happened I saw less of Bonnie I was worried about her and tried many times to see her with no luck, until one night late in December during a snow storm she showed up at my house, she was crying she said she got into a fight with her hubby who accused her of being "high". She said she was not and ask if she could stay the night I said yes. I notice that bonnie was using the bathroom a lot and at one point my than three year old son said he got no answer when he knocked at the bathroom door so I went to the door to see is bonnie was ok when I got no answer I walk in to see Bonnie smoking Crack! I was shock to say the least! never did I think that she would bring drugs into my house around my kids. My husband being very upset kicked her out of my house, I was worried because of the snow storm and the fact that she was walking but I was so mad at her that I did not go after her. Days later when I call her she told me I was not a true friend and never to call her again! Is she right was there something more I could have done for Bonnie that I missed? This is eating me up thinking that I let her down. What do you think? Thanks Beth

I think you did the right thing ! If I were in your shoes I would have probably done the same exact thing, and then later would have been on here asking the same question !!!

The fact that Bonnie is telling you that you are NOT a true friend is a copout ! A true friend may have shown up at your door asking for help yes ! But if SHE were your true friend, there is no way she would have gone into your bathroom with your family home and preceeded to smoke crack in your house ! I can only imagine what kind of trouble YOU would have gotten in if she was being followed by a narc and they busted in while she was in your bathroom ! (yeah I know, kind of extreme)

It's sad because Bonnie is probably a good person deep down, but the crack has total control and therefore she is not and can not think clearly !

You say you've been there for her during her attempts to get clean, that is a TRUE friend !

In my opinion (and it's only my opinion) I don't think there is much you can do at this point ! You cannot make her stop you can only offer help !
I would continue to call, send cards etc just so she knows that you won't give up on her that easily and maybe once she decides to get clean she'll think back at how you didn't desert her !

What a crappy situation ! I'm sorry to hear about it ! Good luck to you !

I agree with Z28 -
You can be there for her, you can tell her what to do, but you cannot make her do it!

She was wrong to turn to you for help, then do drugs in your home.
And it is the "Bonnie on drugs" that said you were not a true friend -
Not the "real Bonnie."

Keep contact to let her you know you are there for her; but other than that, sadly, there is not much else you can do until she wants to change.

I'm sorry this has happened to you -
You sound like a kind, caring person.
I'm here anytime you need to talk.

Godspeed! --Mitzi

I agree with the others.

I have been sober for eleven and one half years. Do as Texan suggested keep in touch. When she hits absolute bottom she will be glad that you did keep in touck

The only thing I can say (besides the fact that she was wrong to take your hospitality and then do drugs in your home) is that if the cops had caught her, YOUR home and YOUR possessions would have been confiscated. It doesn't matter who KNEW about it or whose home it was, YOU would have suffered. You have proof positive she is doing drugs, see if you can get her help so you can get your "REAL Bonnie" back.

Addicted people become very manipulative. They become total experts at making those whom they want to use feel guilty. I don't think they can help themselves. Their moral values are not operative at all when they are addicted.

She wanted to 'use' you all right. Notice the way she tried to present herself as the 'victim' of her cruel husband, who threw her out into a snowstorm! But he was right, she was using.

Then when you and your husband wouldn't jeopardize your family for her, her reaction was infantile rage, striking out unreasonably in a desire only to hurt.

The addict wants unconditional love and acceptance. Why not? If they can get it. But in this life grown-up people know that there are consequences to our actions, and we can't expect friends and family to 'carry the can' because we can't or won't say 'no'.

The worst case I ever heard was a woman whose sister bore with her through many 'attempts' at quitting cocaine, letting her live in her home. Then the sister learned that the addict was bringing 'tricks' to her home (children at school) to support her habit. Out she went. The addicted sister complained bitterly to other family members about the cruelty of being evicted with nowhere to go. She took no responsibility at all for her own actions.

So you see that some addicts can be very convincing, and swear they are in therapy, or quitting, or whatever it takes to make you give them money or shelter, or pay their debts, and that only means they have more money for their addiction.

So you cannot blame yourself or your husband. Your first duty (I know that you know this) is to your husband and children.

You could meet your friend away from your home if she is willing, from time to time. The day may come when she will be serious about trying to stop. Then you can help her.

How will you know when she's serious? That's tough. I would say you need to see some evidence that she has straightened out and stopped lying.

But I would not under any circumstances take her into your home. Recovering addicts go through hell emotionally. Not only are they suffering from the withdrawal, but they're having to grow up, and adolescence is always a painful phase. They get very depressed when they realize that they have to choose between 'fun' and life. (At that stage, they only have one definition of 'fun' - getting high.) A person going through this is hell to live with, and would put a huge strain on your family life.

If she wants financial help, perhaps she could even authorize her doctor to give you her urinalysis results or some such thing. But of course you could give her emotional help, if her depression is not contagious, and if it does not take you away unreasonably from your family.

A very wise friend once advised me at a time when I was enabling an addicted relative. He said, "Your children see him like this, unemployed, sleeping all day, going out at night, contributing nothing), in your home. What message are they getting? That it's all right to live as he does?"

It scared the hell out of me. I evicted the addict. Three or four years later, after much suffering, he went into a program and has been clean and sober since. He didn't need me at all.

You know what they say.."hind sight is 20/20"

I think you did the right thing for your kids. I would have beaten the tar outta her, then threw her out, regaurdless of a 20 year friendship. All and all would she feel SHE was a true friend if you would have let her stay and one of your kids got ahold of that stuff?

Thanks for all of the great advice! This December will be a year since I have last heard from Bonnie I still write her and I send cards often, all of them have gone unanswered. I have tried to call her many times but she does not answer my call's. I think my mind knows that I have done all that I can do right now and that it is up to Bonnie to reach out now, but sometimes my heart tells me different. I worry about her a lot she is getting older, and I'm sure her body will not be able to take much more abuse. I often find myself wishing I could do something more to help heal her, even though I know it's Bonnie who need's to make the first move to heal herself. I only wish the best for her and hope and pray that she will one day see herself as the beautiful person I see her as. She is a wonderful person even with her addiction and she will always remain my best friend. Thank you all for letting me spill my heart all your words I have taken as great advice. Beth

Beth you did the right thing you have to protect your family. I was in a similar postion back when I was a in nursing school. My husband who was not my husband then was living with 2 guys and their girlfriends tended to hang out their. Well my guy notice that money was disappearing and cassette tapes and other items. Well we were not sure what was going on. Well I came home from school and I knew that one of my friend girlfriends was there. We had become very good friends. I could not find her and the bathroom door was shut. I knocked on it and no one answered and I open it and she was passed out on the floor with a needle hanging out of her arm. I was shocked. I called my future husband and told him. When he got home we confronted her and she denied it said it was insulin. Which I know better for goodness sakes I am in nursing school and about ready to graduate. Well we kicked her out. Her boyfriend just didn't beleive that she could do that and left too. He later had his hunting guns stolen by her and realized that she is no good. Now it is 17 years later and since then I had heard she finally got her act together and was pregant with twins. Which that scared me. But you know I don't see her anymore and I heard she was too embarrassed to come around.

You did the right thing because like others said what would of happend if you let her stay their and the cops came or your 3 year saw her. You have to look at the whole picture. I know you feel a little bad that you threw her out but she may need to hit rock bottom before she can see that she needs help. Take care.

Another vote for "You did the right thing". She isn't looking for a friend. She wants an enabler. A friend doesn't help a friend with destructive behavior. You have every right to expect a certain standard in your home. I know that you worry about her, but I don't think at this point you can be her friend. She has to make choices for herself and so do you. I wouldn't think you want serious addiction problems in your life or home.