Please pray for my son and me. I searched my 15 year old's room a couple of hours ago and found what appeared to be marijuana. I called the sheriff's office and a deputy came out, searched the room and confirmed my fears. I'll be picking him up from school and delivering him to the deputy for an urine analysis and then a trip to juvenile detention.

It is with a heavy heart that I'll be doing this. Please pray for us.

Thank you.
GOD BLESS!
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03-11-04, 12:08 PM
Sherasi
Awwww, I am so sorry that your family has to deal with this. Perhaps, you might have nipped a bigger problem in the bud. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

03-11-04, 02:38 PM
Lydia
Wow - there aren't alot of parent out there that would have gone that route. I think that most try to take of the situation on their own without involving the authorities. I hope things work out for you and your son. It will do one of two things...it will either make him aware of the seriousness of the situation or it will anger him beyond belief. Hopefully it will work to your benefit.

Good luck!

03-11-04, 04:10 PM
honilov
That's a perfect example of 'tough love' and I hope things work out for the best. I hope it doesn't drive a wedge between you and your son, because sometimes kids don't understand that we take action against them because we love them. Good luck and just let him know you still love him but you just don't want him to make the wrong choices in life.

03-11-04, 06:16 PM
FredPuli
At least he knows you mean well, love him lots and do care about him. It may not stop him from experimenting with cannabis (marijuana);there's an awful lot of it out there.But you may have stopped him. If you have not succeeded at least you tried; tough love it is and far,far better than you affecting not to care about it, turning a blind eye, when you do so care.

You can console yourself, if he does, that in my generation ( I'm in my fifties ) very many, even most, of my peers smoked it (though I have to 'confess' I never did ). Of course most of them grew up to be surgeons, judges, Nobel Prize winners and such; but the others were normal enough Big Grin. ( I never won the Nobel Prize, for one thing Frown)

Cannabis is not in itself thought addictive by most authorities and I have never seen or heard of anyone cannabis addicted among offenders I've had dealings with ; alcohol sometimes is and does far, far more damage to the body; and it is less likely, if anything, that he will go on to stronger and more dangerous drugs than was the case in my day.It never was very likely then. That's because it is so freely available from people who never use other drugs, drugs which are addictive or very dangerous, and the cannabis is so cheap that dealers and pushers in 'hard drugs' won't bother with it . That is not to say that a youngster is not ever, ever going to try something else in his whole life but if he ever did the cannabis he tried in the past wouldn't be the cause. Certainly, in my experience of offenders that too seems plain.

The police here (UK) do not prosecute anyone found with small quantities of cannabis for personal use; that is policy; and cannabis has recently been downgraded to the very lowest level of drug it is illegal to possess. You may, correctly, think that indicates that we now think it far less of a hazard to the individual or to the public than it was thought before ( 35 years ago here any possession of it meant jail).

So I do hope your action works but do not fret over much over his health if he does experiment with this drug again and is not stopped by any action. Good luck ! You can but try.

03-11-04, 08:26 PM
Texan-In-Exile
Yes Tao - you and your family are in my prayers.
True - it's a tough route - but sometimes that's what it takes to make a young person realize the seriousness of drugs.
Let us know how things work out.
Godspeed!

03-12-04, 08:19 AM
Elexina
Good for you! That reaction certainly ought to scare him straight. Let us know!

04-01-04, 02:04 AM
SeattleRon
I will pray that you learn to trust your kid a little bit more. Before you violate their right of privacy. Maybe you should have asked you kid first if they were smoking pot, and made yourself available spiritually first, before going DEA on him/her.
You do realize that what you are about to do is going to cost your kid severely. Not just legal-wise, but professionally. Until he/she turns 18 this pot charge will give him a hard time to find employment. A difficult time to get his/her license, and since a drug charge is put permantly on his/her driving record, throughout his/her life, if in any trouble the judge can look up the charge and make a judgement based on the drug charge.
Plus the insurance for driving is gonna be through the roof.

I strongly urge you to talk with your kid first befopre ratting him out and hand the kid over to the police. Please....It's better to have a sit down and ground your kid than to have the law handle this. PLease!!!

I know you won't listen though. You're one of those people....

So Congratulations!!!!

04-01-04, 07:29 AM
Sherasi
Ron,

I think that more parents need to take the "tough Love" stance. I wonder how many children are "lost" because mom and dad did not have the wherewithal to make the hard decisions.

As far as a record, this child is a minor and if I am not mistaken, records from childhood do not transfer to adult status.

I WOULD search my own son's room if I suspected problems. I own the home, the child is under MY guidance and direction. As a nurse I have to take responsibility for the actions of my staff under me. Parents have the liabilty, legally, for their own children and by strict interpretation of the law, COULD do Time or get fined IN THE PLACE of the offending minor.

You do not know the whole story, none of us do. Perhaps this child was stealing or having major changes in personailty or being violent. At that point, it is the duty of the parent to identify causes. Drugs are a logical first choice to look for. Alcohol use is another.

You yourself have made quite a lot of progress in growth, but your experiences are what parents want to avoid for their children!

Drug Use
Drug Dealing
Stealing
Violence (you were shot twice?)
DUI, if I recall correctly
Alcoholism
contributing to delinquency of a minor


I list these things simply to point out that parents are OBLIGATED to protect children from themselves and poor decision-making. At 15, this child does NOT have the capacity for making good decisions and correct Life Choices. That is what parents are for, to guide him TO the right choices.

04-01-04, 08:15 AM
Lydia
Wow Ron!! A little on the harsh side...especially coming from someone who is pretty darn close, if not already, an addict. You yourself said that you think that you're an alcoholic and that you abuse drugs heavily. Perhaps if someone as caring as she about her children had helped you that early on, you'd be in a different place.

I don't mean to come down on you, but you are not in a position to judge someone's parenting skills.

04-01-04, 01:56 PM
Rakuchild
Tao- My sincere wishes that you and your son work through this situation and life is better for both of you.

I find myself somewhere between Seattle and everyone. I don't approve of kids using drugs and alcohol but my mother would toss my room occaisionally and it would infuriate me. I wasn't doing anything illegal until I was suspected. No one ever discussed drugs or alcohol with me past "don't do it." I'm not saying that her searches forced me to try things as a teen but I figured if I was already a suspect, why not? If I wasn't trusted, why should I trust? And I became very skilled at hiding things.

When my kids were growing up, we discussed drugs and alcohol openly. I didn't suspect them or search their rooms and when their friends started experimenting, they came and talked to me about it so I was aware of what was going on in their circle. One admitted to trying pot and one admitted to drinking with friends. We talked about it. When they said it wasn't a lifestyle they wanted to persue, I believed them. They never came home under the influence and now they're both in their 20's and don't use.

I'd have to say I took my cues from my grandmother who turned my cousin's life around.
My cousin's mother found her with drugs and threw her out of the house when she was 18. My grandmother took her in and said "no drugs allowed!" She helped her get a job at a nearby factory. But it wasn't smooth sailing.
The first time my cousin went out with friends and got picked up for drunk driving, she called Grandma. Grandma told her to enjoy her 3 days in jail, afterwhich she picked her up and told her to start again.

Months later my cousin came in stoned and when confronted, admitted to have drugs on her. Grandma demanded she hand them over and took her to the bathroom and made my cousin watch as she flushed each pill one by one and a whole bag of pot and asked her how much she'd paid for each item. Then she informed her that since my cousin had broken trust, she'd be subjected to having her room searched...by Grandma! My cousin could have left but she didn't. She got herself together, not overnight, but it's admirable what she did with her life.

She and our grandmother stayed very close until grandma died. If Grandma had brought the cops into the situation, I doubt my cousin would have turned out to be the good person and mother she is. I would never have dreamed of bringing the cops in on my kids unless they were uncontrollable. And always, they went out the door with the understanding that if they called from the police station, they'd better wait till morning and not to expect bail. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Tao- don't give up on your son. People do try things and make mistakes and recover from them.If you can't talk to him, write to him and be sure he knows where you stand. And listen with an understanding and forgiving heart to what he has to say.

04-02-04, 02:44 AM
SeattleRon
Sher, I'm glad you brought that up. I do have a criminal history and have never denied it.
I did what I did to help my parents. Even though throughout the ordeal. My parents always had my back.
I was raised with principles. To always protect your family through whatever the cost.
I believe in helping family when in trouble. Just to turn them into the police though I feel is wrong.
There are plenty of ways to handle a situation like that.

See you guys, I was only harsh because I saw what it would have done to the kid in the longrun after he got turned into the police.
A permanent record. Even if the kid goes a diffrent way and goes straight, this will follow him forever.

Sher and Lydia No hard feelings. I'm glad you spoke up...

04-02-04, 11:43 PM
samantha
I hope the child knows how hard it was for a parent to do this. I hope it helps them to think next time. God Bless you and your family.

04-09-04, 05:54 PM
SeattleRon
Sher you are correct. I forgot to say it in my last post. Most crimes commited while being a minor are sealed in records after turning 18.
In the case a drug conviction regardless of a guilty verdict or not guilty. The department of Lincensing is entitled to know all drug or alcohol violations regardless of age. That never goes away.
Therefore if after the kid turns 18 and he gets pinched for something else, not only will he face penalties by the court, but the kid will also face tougher driving restrictions through the department of licensing.
A drug charge has several repercussions. They stick around for life.

04-10-04, 05:23 PM
soaringhorse
I would have done the same thing, nip this in the bud! At least the child understands where you stand at this point, NO DRUGS! I know this was such a hard thing for you to do, and it tore you up, but this is going to be a rocky road ahead, I feel. Lets pray there will be some couselling to straighten this child out. They grow up in this world with so many enticements, they just want to be part of the "IN" crowd. I really hope you monitor who he is hanging out with, that may be part of the problem. I hope your child understands why you did this, and will turn the other direction, but I doubt he will. He probably is already into the peer pressure thing by now, and it will take alot controlling to settle him down. This is so sad, and it happens all the time to the young kids that will soon be adults with so much to live for. Wonder why he chose to do this? Because he knew it was wrong, it was his decision to go against your rules, now it's time to pay the consequences. Marijuana is against the law, and I agree it should be. I believe it does lead into heavier drugs, especially if peers offer it. It does change your brain functions, A Person on Marijuana does not think rationally. I do think it's as bad as alcohol, if not worse, Healthwise. Any thing that you put into your system that alters it like this can do some brain damage as well as your lungs. Anyone who thinks differently is only kidding themselves.
I pray you find the strength to keep him under control, because it is very important for his future to keep on the right footing.

04-17-04, 02:41 AM
DvdGStwrt
Unfortunately this tactic rarely works. Sure, it gets the immediate results of no drug use, but in the long run the drug addict will use if they really want to.

In cases like these when "forced" treatment is done, the short term sees a clean kid, the long term sees a kid who leaves home early and takes to bars, pool halls, the streets - where ever they find their drug of choice. Worse, it makes them more cunning in their use, where they hide it, where the use it and how they stash it.

The problem is (as a recovering addict/alcoholic I know the problem well) it really doesn't matter what you want, what dad wants, what grandma wants, what our siblings want, what anybody outside of ourselves wants - we will do what we want. When it coems to drugs we find that we will most often do the stupidist things to continue taking drugs. If you read through the posts here you get a clear idea of the mind of the addict - We are good at pulling the wool over our own eyes and rationalizing the use of drugs. We have a million tried and true "reasons" why we are using. We are prepared with excuses that are believable and for the most part true, but lack one small point, that we wanted to do it any way.

When it comes to illegal drugs we tend to hide it, and when caught will walk the walk and talk the talk for just as long as it takes to fool those around us to thinking that we have stopped. Then we go underground, we hide it, stash it, sell it, give it to our freinds to hold, find a lone rock in an empty field to bury it, what ever - we find ways around the Authority.

Been there, done that, and I can think of several meeting rooms full of people who did the exact same trick.

The first time I quit I did it for everyone else, all of those nice people who told me that I was heading for prisons, institutions, hospitals and death. I listened and for a while I was clean, but soon enough I understood that they didn't know a think about me and was back out there again. I was going clean for all the wrong reasons and for all the wrong people.

As a non drug user you may not understand that, you may think that all it takes is a few therapy sessions, a week, or a month in a drug rehabilitation clinic or program, but in reality no body gets clean because of these. Sometimes I think that people get clean in spite of these nice programs and laws we have.

I want for you to be prepared for the worse - I want you to understand that it is not a failing of your own if he goes back out. You didn't do anything wrong - He makes his choice based on what he knows, and what he knows is that pot, or speed or drink or whatever feels good and it is cool and all of the other things that go through the mind of a drug addict just before they shoot up, toke, whatever.

With that in mind I would really like for you to get a program now - before it happens - Even if he never uses again, you need this program. You need it more than he does because you are a helpless victim to his addiction. You are the unwitting player in a game which if he wants to use he will win no matter what it takes. Yep, he will kill if pushed hard enough. Not your Fault, Even if you told him every day to stay away from drugs - it is still NOT your fault. Drug Addicts never, ever wake up one day and decide to find the drugs - the Drugs do. The drugs find their way to the addict simply beacuse our society and way we live is so complex and so social that it happens.

Its not your fault, and it isn't his. It just is.

The program is called Alanon/alateen http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ It is a place where you will meet people who just like you have an addict or an alcoholic in their lives who they love and don't want to see come to harm but find that they are fighting something far bigger than that love.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Is a good place to start, but you may find that you will have to seek out help for yourself like individual therapy - that help may be your saving grace. Starting now will prevent you from making some terrible mistakes, such as thinking that you caused this all to happen, or worse, thinking that there is something you can do to stop it. If anything else, it will aid you and him on the road of salvaging your relationship. Don't be fooled, though you have attempted to save him it will take a while before he understands that. Untill then, he may be full of anger.

I hope he doesn't go back out. I pray he doesn't, but then I know the statistics, and they are not pretty. A majority of drug users return to the drug several times before they go clean for good. Some never stay off and end up dieing an active drug user.

Its a harsh fact that drugs are horrible things, they possess the addict and it takes a unique desire on part of the addict to do a life long battle with it. Not all recovering addicts are lucky enough to remain clean. No will power needed, only lots of luck.

Being aware of these facts can save you a lot of grief in the future. It can save you a few sleepless nights and I hope it pushes you to seek out a meeting and to make a network of Alanon friends who you can call if and when things take a nasty turn.

Even if it all goes well, these folk can be of great help - helping you deal with the unknown issues which are raging in your heart. Having a close network of people who are in the same boat as you are is therapy in itself - just knowing you are not alone makes things bearable.

God bless.

04-17-04, 11:42 AM
jusork
I agree completely, David, excecpt for one thing. Marijuana isn't addictive.

So the want is just enjoyment. He obviously disagrees with the legality of it and sees nothing wrong with it and is content and ready to take the chance (usually small if you hide it well) of someone finding out about his attempts at not letting his parents know. It's just a simple behind the scenes activity.

04-17-04, 12:03 PM
Sherasi
Jusork, just because it isn't a physical addiction doesn't mean that there isn't a psychological need there. David's post was totally relavant and absolutely the unfortunate truth.

Kids often do not have the strength of purpose or maturity to deny what feels good just because it is illegal or against the rules. In that case, regardless if there is an addiction or not, if the drug feels good and the kids wants to continue feeling that good, then he will continue to do it regardless if there is technically an addiction involved or not.

04-19-04, 11:36 PM
Oceangurl
Tao -- I will start by saying the choice you made is a parenting style issue. You obviously have zero tolerance for drugs, and I respect you for that stance.

I do not intend to judge you for your decision, or anyone else who has offered pro or con advice. I only say that had it been me, I would have addressed my child directly (the first time). Open communication is the method of learning that my parents taught me. When I messed up, they were waiting there for me and told me I messed up. Had my parents found marijuana, I would have been punished, but it would have stayed in the family.

I understand that calling the authorities into this situation was the reaction you chose. I do not want to necessarily defend Ron's intial post, but he has a point. When the authorities are involved, a criminal record is on the "books" regardless of age. Not everything is closed because of one's age. You never know when there might be a time in your child's entire life that a criminal background check will uncover this charge. Perhaps it never will, but perhaps it might. Again, your child is responsible for breaking the law, but he is a child and children make mistakes.

I think Ron was just trying to say "give the kid a break at least once before dropping the hammer down." I imagine your child will learn a life-long lesson from this experience, but I'm also afraid that lesson might be that he can't afford to go to his parent when he is in trouble. I would hate for a larger problem to come along and have your child afraid to confide in you or come to you for support to find the right answer to a problem he has created for himself.

I hope you did what was right for your individual case and I hope and pray that your child learned a positive lesson. You obviously are an advocate of tough love and there are a lot of families who could afford to follow your lead. I just wonder if we should give our kids a "one time allowance" for some of their mistakes.

Please let us know how you and your child have coped through this situation.

You're both in my prayers.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,