I have this friends who is not eating. She never eats lunch at school and you can tell she doesn't eat breakfast or dinner. I suspect she throws up soem of the food she eats too. I also suspect that shes a binge dieter. I know her pretty well so I'm sure.

She is always asking people if she's fat or not, and its starting to really get on people's nerves, so when she asks, they tell her she's fat, so she goes and cries. When people ask her why she doesn't eat she says it's because she thinks she's fat and she always wants people to assure her that she indeed is not fat. Like I said, I know her very well, and I know that sometimes she does it to try to get attention and to get people to feel sorry for her, but even that doesn't work because everyone knows, plus they're tired of it.

She is not fat, but could be considered a but chubby, but that's just because of the way her body is shaped and her natural figure. But she wants to look like friggen tall, willowy, skinny model, which is not going to hapen no matter how much weight she loses.

Now that I've got the facts out of the way, whenever I try to help her, she just keeps insisting that she is fat, and I just don't know what to do anymore or how to help. Any advice?

First, don't give up on her no matter how loudly she insists that she's fat or doesn't have an eating disorder, but if you push her too hard, she'll back away from your friendship.
There are usually some very personal psychological reasons for eating disorders that most people, even the one who is battling the problem, aren't aware of.
If you feel comfortable talking with her parents, then do so. If you don't think you can go to her parents, then go to the school counselor.
If she does have an eating disorder, it is something she will live with her entire life, but if she can recognize and admit it early, the the damage that it will cause her body will be minimized.
As much as you would like to make her eat, keep it down and all that, you can't, but you can let someone from the adults in her life know that you have these concerns, and they can maybe see to it that she gets the counseling she needs.
I hope she knows what a good friend she has.

Your friend sounds like she is suffering the disorder "Bulimia".. classic symptoms really... binging, purging, slightly over-weight...

She is in serious health risk and will do serious damage to her body.

You need to go to the school nurse and to the school psychologist and tell them what you told us. This is a mental illness.. and she can no more control what she is doing without further intervention than most people can prevent depression and anxiety.

You are not betraying her doing this, you are saving her.

Actually this is not in itself bad. She's still eating, because as you say she's a bit chubby. But she probably has terrible eating habits: eats too much of the wrong stuff (gorges) after starving for a day or two.

(People with her disorder, which is attention-seeking and self-hating, also delude themselves that they 'stick to' their diet, and they will tell you this while they are inhaling a chocolate bar! It's very strange.) This will not make her skinny, but will cause malnutrition because she's probably living on sweets and fats.

That's why diets, as such, don't work. The dieter longs for the day when he/she can resume the terrible food habits that created the original problem. Obviously this will cause them to regain the lost weight as soon as the scales tells them the diet has been a 'success'.

If you could try and reason with her, and get her to eat small servings of normal food, always leaving the table just a bit hungry, and give up completely junk food and sweets, she will have the reward of seeing her weight drop slowly and steadily while still feeling well.

If giving up junk food and sweets altogether seems to be beyond what she can manage, tell her she can have sweets once a month - say, the first Sunday of the month. But outside of that one day, she should stick to sensible eating. Tell her when she gets a craving to take a short walk or tackle some little chore to distract herself. The craving will pass, and will happen with less frequency with every passing day.

What Sherasi says is wise, but there is another angle to this:

If you treat it at this early stage as if it is a medical problem (when actually is it a behavior problem exacerbated by immaturity) it will reward her attention-seeking behavior.

If you treat it, instead, as a behavior problem, put the emphasis on HER BEHAVIOR, and repeat over and over that she is the one who will take the consequences of her choices, and don't make too big a deal of it, she may begin to make sensible decisions.

Of course if this doesn't work she probably needs therapy; but it can start a dangerous pattern:

- do something self-destructive
- get off on the horrified reaction of your friends, and on being the focus of their concern and attention
- get off on the medical attention she gets.

This pattern can result in all kinds of self-destructive behavior including self-mutilation
and drug abuse. So to avoid contributing to this, the friend shold control his/her reaction to the self-abuser's behavior. Treat it as mildly annoying rather than horrifying. This takes the 'click' out of your reaction, and may help your friend learn that she is responsible, not her friends, and not the medical profession.

[This message was edited by babthrower on 02-25-03 at 12:18 PM.]

One important thing to realize is that eating disorders are rarely actually about weight. They are much more often about the types of things babs notes. I've had several anorexic or near-anorexic friends, and the issues for many them came down to that they felt they had no control over their lives. They felt that if they could control their food and their bodies (both in terms of weight and in terms of hunger pains), then they had some sort of control.

Eating disorders are very dangerous and complicated, and require professional advice and help. You, by yourself, cannot hope to fix her or completely help her. You can try to boost her self-confidence and be there to support her, but what she really needs is a professional to help her. It may feed into her attention-seeking problem, but it may be the only solution.

I agree with Babthrower, you may want to start ignoring it, to an extent. If she is a bit chubby, she's obviously eating something. She may not be eating the right things, but she is eating and that's the important thing. She may just not be comfortable eating in front of people. I know I went through a phase where I would not eat in front of anyone but my parents. I ate and I ate well, but only in private.
But, she may have a serious problem. You might want to call an eating disorder help-line and see what they suggest. Those lines are anonymous anyway, and you could just get some guidance from professionals without bringing your friend into it.

Well I am a little confused. You mentioned that she doesn't eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner and if she eats a little she'll throw it up...yet she is a bit chubby? Well, as everyone has mentioned, she obviously is getting calories in or she would not be chubby. Yet she does exhibit signs of anorexia and bulemia. Normally these eating disorders are brought about by a negative and distorted self image. But if she is a bit over-weight it doesn't sound like she has a distorted self image. And when everyone tells her she is fat it only fuels her feelings of inadequacy more and she goes on the starvation-binge cycle. I offer a slightly different approach from everyone else. I suggest you come to her as a friend and tell her that you realize that she is trying to lose weight and you aren't so sure that the methods she is using are all that healthy. Together maybe you can form a proper and nutritious diet that will enable her to lose weight. Because right now, to me, it doesn't sound as if she is wanting to do anything more than lose the necessary and unwanted weight. If, however, you see a drastic drop in weight and she continues with the starvation and/or purging then you will want to come up with an alternative plan and make her condition known to parents or a counselor.

School consler? School nurrse? School phsychologist? If we had any of those things I
would have told them a long time ago too. She doesn’t have an exactly loving and
supporting family wither. Her father died a long time ago and her mom doesn’t really care
and keeps geting pregnant by different men and aborting her babies andher youngre
brother is a runaway. I do ignore the problem to an extent so she wont get lots of
attention, and I don’t act horrified by it, but atthe same time something does have to be
done.

I agree with LVLF, there are some other phsycological probelms in there. If anyone
remembers, I posted in the teem life forum about a firend that keeps on abusing herself by
going out with different guys that dont really like her and convincing herself that she is in
love, and then when she gets dumped (which eventually always happens because she
scares every guy away), she kills herself about it and spends 2 months crying and
obsessing over him and then moving on to a new guy. I think that is for attention too.

Georgia and everyone else- She is not overweight. She is actually underweight, its just
that her body is naturally short and curvy, and even if she loses 20 pounds, she will still
have that shape. And besides, unhealthy dieting will not make you lose weight, it will
actually make you gain weight. Your body starts storing fat because it thinks you are
starving because you are depriving yourself of food (see all that health class paid off). She's still very pretty though

Anyway, sorry I didn’t mention some things in the beggining and got you guys confused. I
just feel a bit in over my head here.