Hello everyone. My name is MaryBeth, and I have my only child that is extremely addicted to Hydrocodones, and Zanax. She is 23 and Married and has one boy to whom is my grandson. She almost over dosed the other night and my Son-in-law tried to get her in the car to take her to the hospital. He is Wheelchair bound and could not accomplish this. Instead of calling the ambulance to where she would have been forced to go to rehab, He just kept her home. I want to have her Committed to rehab, but now that she is married I do not believe that I have the legal right to have this done now, Only he can. And He does not want to because of making her mad. She tells him she will not use anymore, but she has said this quite often. What can I do to help her legally and otherwise. She was to go to the ER and claim that she was in pain and I called the ER and gave them heads up on the deal, she never went. Please if there is a doctor out there or an attorney or anyone who can give me some answers, I would be so thankful. I am at my wits end, Please help!!!!!!!!!!! MaryBeth
I’m an ex-addict (meth mostly, but other things as well) – Time and time again I have met other ex and not so ex addicts who complain that being forced into rehab was not the right thing to do – in other words, due to addiction and due to how it actually works in the head, being forced to be clean/sober usually ends up with stubbornness – yeah sure, most of us addicts will (for a short time) go clean and sober (to keep YOU (not you personally, the ‘you’ who forced us into rehab in the first place) off our back) but sooner or later the addiction will take hold and we will use again. As day follows night this happens nearly (99.9%) all the time.
Addictions are powerful, tricky things, even those with a sincere, honest desire to be clean and sober can fall into the slippery trap of going out and using/drinking whatever.
You and her husband can’t actually make her stop using drugs. Unless you plan on tying her down and spoon feeding her for the rest of her life. You have to wait, wait until she knows she has a problem, wait until she actually wants to be clean and sober.
He is right, you will make her mad, which may back fire and kill her through another over dose. You are dealing with a drugged up mind – druggies are not known for their sanity – understand?
This will be the worst period of waiting for you and him – and, sad to say, since she has already nearly killed herself once, if this isn’t the turning point for her, then she may end up dying from her addictions. This incident could be the turning point. I don’t know. In AA and NA this is called “the Bottom”’ once you reach your bottom you are faced with the reality that you have a problem – most addicts reach their bottom before they seek help. She has to reach her bottom before she will actually ‘do something’ and get clean and sober.
You and the husband can’t do anything for her.
You both can do a great deal for yourselves. Namely going to Alanon/Alateen.
Alanon is for the loved ones who are dealing with an addict/alcoholic. This is a program for You not her. It is composed of individuals who like yourself are faced with making some hard choices on how to deal with an addict/alcoholic who is presently using/drinking.
They too will tell you that you can’t “force” a recovery, they most likely will tell the husband to pack his bags (and child(ren)) and leave – forcing the bottom to come quicker. Most likely they will discuss things like “tough love” and how not to enable an addict – these things will protect you and teach you how to deal with the emotions, anxiety, worry that you are going through.
Yes, legally her husband can call the police and have the situation attended too, you, as a worried grandparent can do so as well. However it is likely to lead up to Child Protection Services being involved – most likely the child will be taken out of the house. If the Courts deem the father unable to take care of the child you might be able to adopt or gain guardianship of the child – might, depends on if the judge is in a good mood or not. Depends on your health, your ability to take care of a child. Different judges see Foster Care as being the best option – ergo the child ends up with strangers.
This means that a well intended plan of action to help her could back fire and become a legal nightmare. I have heard of these things going badly wrong, loss of custody, divorce, and a lot of other not so nice things.
Go to an Alanon Meeting, meet people, learn from their experiences, learn from what they tell you on how they dealt with similar situation. Most importantly learn from their mistakes. Trust them before attorney and doctors who are bound by law which although has the best interest in mind for some (not always all) parties involved, can by its sheer size make terrible mistakes.
God be with you.
Posts: 3885 | Location: Leaving land, heading for the ocean | Registered: 06-03-02
As always, David's advice is excellent. If your daughter admits that there is a problem, the combined efforts of your son in law, your husband, yourself and perhaps other family members or clergy might persuade her to agree to rehab. Inpatient programs are amazingly costly but are most effective, especially when it come to perscription addictions. If she denies that there is a problem, it will be more difficult. Have you spoken to her primary care physician? He cannot discuss the matter with you, it would be a violation of her right to confidentiality but he CAN listen to your "Hypothetical" concerns. I do have to point out that your legal right to force the issue of rehab ended, not on her wedding day, but on her 18th birthday. And while her husband can authorize medical treatment on an emergency basis, even he cannot have her "committed" without going to court to prove her incompetant. No one can "make" her get treatment, but the next time she endangers herself she MUST get at least emergency medical treatment, an overdose is nothing to fool around with, besides the obvious and immediate concerns, there is a risk of liver damage that can be minimized with immediate treatment and a temporary lessening of respiratory function, i.e. apnea, that can persist for several days... Generally, emergency treatment will require a mandatory 36-48 hour hold and a full evaluation and it is possible that hearing it from professionals will have some impact. Your son in law is a fool if he thinks "making her mad" is a greater concern than her immediate medical needs. David's assessment of the potential custody issues is not "wrong" but it is a little on the bleak side- due to an overwhelming shortage of foster homes and a great deal of public outrage over the needless removal of children, social service agencies make every effort to keep a child with any suitable family member rather than put a child in the system. Good luck
Posts: 2235 | Location: Western United States | Registered: 06-03-02
I appreciate the advice.I did not know about al-anon. I will take your advice. Again thank you for your honesty. Keep up the good work.
quote:
Originally posted by DvdGStwrt: I’m an ex-addict (meth mostly, but other things as well) – Time and time again I have met other ex and not so ex addicts who complain that being forced into rehab was not the right thing to do – in other words, due to addiction and due to how it actually works in the head, being forced to be clean/sober usually ends up with stubbornness – yeah sure, most of us addicts will (for a short time) go clean and sober (to keep YOU (not you personally, the ‘you’ who forced us into rehab in the first place) off our back) but sooner or later the addiction will take hold and we will use again. As day follows night this happens nearly (99.9%) all the time.
Addictions are powerful, tricky things, even those with a sincere, honest desire to be clean and sober can fall into the slippery trap of going out and using/drinking whatever.
You and her husband can’t actually make her stop using drugs. Unless you plan on tying her down and spoon feeding her for the rest of her life. You have to wait, wait until she knows she has a problem, wait until she actually wants to be clean and sober.
He is right, you will make her mad, which may back fire and kill her through another over dose. You are dealing with a drugged up mind – druggies are not known for their sanity – understand?
This will be the worst period of waiting for you and him – and, sad to say, since she has already nearly killed herself once, if this isn’t the turning point for her, then she may end up dying from her addictions. This incident could be the turning point. I don’t know. In AA and NA this is called “the Bottom”’ once you reach your bottom you are faced with the reality that you have a problem – most addicts reach their bottom before they seek help. She has to reach her bottom before she will actually ‘do something’ and get clean and sober.
You and the husband can’t do anything for her.
You both can do a great deal for yourselves. Namely going to Alanon/Alateen.
Alanon is for the loved ones who are dealing with an addict/alcoholic. This is a program for You not her. It is composed of individuals who like yourself are faced with making some hard choices on how to deal with an addict/alcoholic who is presently using/drinking.
They too will tell you that you can’t “force” a recovery, they most likely will tell the husband to pack his bags (and child(ren)) and leave – forcing the bottom to come quicker. Most likely they will discuss things like “tough love” and how not to enable an addict – these things will protect you and teach you how to deal with the emotions, anxiety, worry that you are going through.
Yes, legally her husband can call the police and have the situation attended too, you, as a worried grandparent can do so as well. However it is likely to lead up to Child Protection Services being involved – most likely the child will be taken out of the house. If the Courts deem the father unable to take care of the child you might be able to adopt or gain guardianship of the child – might, depends on if the judge is in a good mood or not. Depends on your health, your ability to take care of a child. Different judges see Foster Care as being the best option – ergo the child ends up with strangers.
This means that a well intended plan of action to help her could back fire and become a legal nightmare. I have heard of these things going badly wrong, loss of custody, divorce, and a lot of other not so nice things.
Go to an Alanon Meeting, meet people, learn from their experiences, learn from what they tell you on how they dealt with similar situation. Most importantly learn from their mistakes. Trust them before attorney and doctors who are bound by law which although has the best interest in mind for some (not always all) parties involved, can by its sheer size make terrible mistakes.
Thank you. You have answered alot of my questions and concerns. Expecially about my grandson. I raised him his first 3 years.All he has is myself, his Step-Dad and his Mom. All I can do is pray. Thanks again.
quote:
Originally posted by MrsS: As always, David's advice is excellent. If your daughter admits that there is a problem, the combined efforts of your son in law, your husband, yourself and perhaps other family members or clergy might persuade her to agree to rehab. Inpatient programs are amazingly costly but are most effective, especially when it come to perscription addictions. If she denies that there is a problem, it will be more difficult. Have you spoken to her primary care physician? He cannot discuss the matter with you, it would be a violation of her right to confidentiality but he CAN listen to your "Hypothetical" concerns. I do have to point out that your legal right to force the issue of rehab ended, not on her wedding day, but on her 18th birthday. And while her husband can authorize medical treatment on an emergency basis, even he cannot have her "committed" without going to court to prove her incompetant. No one can "make" her get treatment, but the next time she endangers herself she MUST get at least emergency medical treatment, an overdose is nothing to fool around with, besides the obvious and immediate concerns, there is a risk of liver damage that can be minimized with immediate treatment and a temporary lessening of respiratory function, i.e. apnea, that can persist for several days... Generally, emergency treatment will require a mandatory 36-48 hour hold and a full evaluation and it is possible that hearing it from professionals will have some impact. Your son in law is a fool if he thinks "making her mad" is a greater concern than her immediate medical needs. David's assessment of the potential custody issues is not "wrong" but it is a little on the bleak side- due to an overwhelming shortage of foster homes and a great deal of public outrage over the needless removal of children, social service agencies make every effort to keep a child with any suitable family member rather than put a child in the system. Good luck
I'm not saying that you did not get good insight from members. What I do have to say is neither parent is capable of raising children.
Believe me, I don't want to raise any more kids. I had it hard enough with my own. They were not raised with an addict and a dad in a wheelchair that cannot realistically deal with young children.
If it were my grandchildren, I would ask my daughter and husband for permission to take the kids, just to help, only. Don't threaten them with you judgement call, which I happen to agree with.
Take these kids! We did it when much younger with our own, with a job and someone to take care of them. This time your daughter gets to babysit her own kids. They come to a home when you get off work.
Don't challenge your daughter. Ask her. I think that she will agree to your wish of grandchildren 'spending time' with you. Don't go there with custody or child support, for now. Get your grandchildren.
I know, we didn't bargain for this one! We are a bit too old to deal with raising kids, again. We found a way when young and broke. We can find a way to care for our grandchildren when a bit too old to want to deal with this.
