For some time now I've tried to offer uplifting advice to those of you with broken hearts or turmoil in your life. Now...embarrased to admit it...I need some friendship and guidance from my fellow enthusiasts.

As a few of you know I recently was given my "walking papers" from a 2 1/2 year relationship. The man I thought would be mine forever decided that I had broken his heart one to many times and couldn't continue. The situation was messy. He was separated from his wife who is in another state. I met him shortly after he moved here. According to SC laws he had to be separated for 1 year before the divorce could go through. I stood by his side for that year. But 1 year turned into 2 and due to certain legalities an agreement just was not possible. So, I did react and was bitter because I never thought I could allow myself to truely love him as long as he was not totally free to pursue a relationship.

Long story short, this past June he decided to call it quits. But it's always been a double standard with him. When we would have ups and downs and I needed to get away from him he would pursue me with calls and visits and wanted to have a say in me ending the relationship. But since he decided to end it I have respected his wishes and have not called, visited, etc. The catch is...he is right across the parking lot from me and works at my apartment complex. If that wasn't hard enough I have been confronted with the fact that he has totally moved on and has a new woman there. I don't understand how some people can meet another and immediately move to the "move-in" stage. But he wanted constant companion and it appears that he has it now. Oh and get this, his divorce will finally be final in Novemeber so this new one will have a better chance of settling down with him. I feel like such the transitional gal!

So, at the end of all my rambling I guess I'm asking my friends for words of wisdom and encouragement. It's painful. It's in my face. But I am not moving! And please know, I am not self-destructive, I am not vengefull. I try to be classy in all that I do - so how can I put on a smile and act like it doesn't bother me when inside I am crushed?

Thanks for your time in reading this post. It means a lot to me.
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09-30-02, 03:41 PM
kittypal
Sweetie, I wish that there were words to make all of your hurt go away, but there isn't, only all the cliches and standard responses of time heals all wounds and there are more fish in the sea and those just don't help. The only thing you can do is to move on even though it hurts so much inside. Do you really love him? Do you think he loves you (be honest with yourself) If you think the answer is yes and you want to sspend the rest of your life with him, you could call him and tell him how you feel, but if you are just feeling hurt and alone go out and do something nice for yourself, buy a new outfit, go to a spa or eat something sinful. You are a beautiful lady and very nice, you deserve someone who is there for you. Remember we are all here for you anytime and we love you. Hope your heart feels better soon.
Stacey

09-30-02, 05:48 PM
Wildflower63
Too many jerks out there!

Think about this for a minute. What does his behavior tell you about his character? None of us expect a partner in life to be flawless. This guy seems to be lacking some fundamental characteristics that you do seem to value.

Too many of us settle for the few good and compatible qualities in a person and tolerate the bad ones which only make us miserable as time goes on. How many ups were there really when you consider the down times. We desire to have someone in our lives to share things with so strongly at times that it leads us to bad decisions in a relationship.

It is time for a new game plan! Don't let your heart make a decision for you. Decide upon what is important to you for a potential person for a long term relationship. Use this as a screening device. Don't be unreasonable or unrealistic. Use basic common sense and look for good character. If anything is missing, don't allow a good trait to make up for that.

You don't have to put shield up and be afraid of men hurting you. Keep your head held high and maintain your own standards in what you expect from a partner. The pain will fade in time. If he didn't end it, you probably would have somewhere down the line anyway. What really makes things seem worse than what they actually are is the fact that you had no control in the decision to end the relationship, he did. Of course you are going to feel sad about your loss. What you lost is a relationship, not a man that is compatible with you though.

Don't pick up that phone and call him. There is no point. This isn't the type of person that you need in your life anyway. You don't have to respect his wishes. What respect has he shown you? He is busy flaunting his new girlfriend in your face. Just be glad she is now putting up with his nonsense instead of you. You have a life. Go live it. Find things to do with family and friends. There are good people out there. You just haven't found the right one for you yet.

09-30-02, 06:02 PM
gatman
Georgia you can probably go back and read a lot of your own replies and apply them to yourself. I have noted the quality and genuineness in them. It always looms so much larger when it is you though. You may be the rebound love but two years plus is a long time for that. SC does have some strange laws don't they. I assume you are sure that the legal process was real and not a creation of his. With no end in sight a committed relationship was a lot for him to ask. It should be a surprize that yours was a somewhat stormy romance if I am reading this right. I'm guessing that when youwere exasperated and ready to end it he did not have a replacement lined up. Now he does. Calling him would just cheapen yourself. It may be that "she" has cheapened herself already. It might be interesting to see if November holds true. Finding someone is tough and finding out about someone can be a lot tougher. When you look in the mirror you see the hurt but that will heal. Take a closer look and you will see the classy lady that was there before and will be on top again.

10-01-02, 12:39 AM
Sherasi
Georgia,
You seem to have indicated that your relationship was stormy. Almost seems like you might have subconsciously known the trend of the relationship already. I know it is difficult to close a relationship that has taken so much of your time and committment.
I've been in a similar situation myself, and the hurt does go away.
You are a strong, smart, beautiful woman with a lot going for you. You can get past this.. and find a man worthy of your qualities this time.

10-01-02, 07:40 AM
hassia
dearest Georgia,
i think i might have a few things to say that will hopefully soothe you. i very often listen to the dr. joy brown radio show- she´s like dr. laura, only a lot nicer. anyhow, she always tells people that after a divorce/death of a spouse/or other similar departure of hearts the person left standing who suddenly needs to get over it, should be alone for at least a year so they can "find themselves", meaning they need to figure out what they like. so your boyfriend apparently does not listen to the program, but he is going through a stage in his life where he most likely doesn´t know who he is, just by himself. he hasn´t had time to be alone and is cranky. his behavior of on-again off-again is really a characteristic of this. he is trying to get the freedom he desperately needs but is also lonely being alone. but alone is good, well once you get over being lonely...

so my soothing words are that it is not your fault that he broke it off. this was a rebound relationship for him. stay away from him and if he tries to "get" you back, tell him that he needs to take time and figure out who he is and what he needs in life. and you should do the same. if possible, i recommend listening to dr. brown´s program. i listen to it over the internet. feel free to email me if you´d like.

10-01-02, 10:11 AM
Texan-In-Exile
You've already gotten some good advice here!

You're normal to feel hurt right now. Give yourself whatever time you need to get past it.

He obviously does not know what he wants. This next woman will probably find that out the hard way too.

And if you want to tell him off, go for it!
You can vent and still be classy!
You don't have to hold it in all the time!

Eventually maybe you will be able to consider the relationship transitional for you too -
A learning process to discover what you do and do not want in a partner!

You've given good advice to others - I hope we've been able to help you now.
And I'm here anytime you want to talk!

Godspeed! --Mitzi

10-01-02, 10:20 AM
puppyblues
You have gotten some great advice from everyone above.
The only thing that I want to add is that when you step out with a married man, all bets are off. He was married, whether they were seperated or not, he was married, so again...all bets are off.
Sweetie, you have to know that you are better off, right? You know that he cheated on his wife, he cheated on you, and he will cheat on the one he's with now. You are better off, at least you didn't marry him and have children before you found out what he was like.
And always remember, the best revenge is success. And I don't think you'll have any problem there.
Were always here for you, just like you are for us.
You have my e-mail if you need to talk. Puppy wink

10-01-02, 02:05 PM
Georgia85
How did we all get to be such wise people? Funny thing is, when I was involved with this man and was having problems my friends gave me the same advice. When I would bring this up to him he always said that my friends just told me what I wanted to hear. But here you all are - and you have the same advice! I want to try to thank each of you personally via e-mail but right now let this be a general THANKS to all who gave such wonderful advice. It's what I already have told myself thousands of times - but it's always nice to get reinforcement from others.

And if I could just clarify something - he didn't cheat on his wife. His wife left him (actually abandoned him) and next thing you know he was served with the separation papers. He then moved here and that's when we met. We had a respectfull relationship which in retropsect apparently was part of the trouble!

10-01-02, 02:23 PM
Kerri
I agree with wildflower...there are way too many jerks out there.....It sucks as a reality, but everyone goes through the pain you are going through...(God knows I have been there enough times).... My encouragement for you is to say...YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON, INSIDE AND OUT!!
I have no doubt you WILL find happiness, and these hurts WILL pass!

10-02-02, 05:40 PM
Oceangurl
Georgia -- I agree with everyone here. You got some great support and advice, and that's because you've shown concern and empathy for other's here when they needed your advice.

You're a very smart lady, and I think you know in your heart that your ex-boyfriend isn't the one for you. Sounds like the entire romance had highs and lows, but the lows were probably a lot lower than a healthy relationship encounters.

The fact that he's already hooked up with someone new tells me that he's needy and not emotionally stable. Sounds like he has big issues -- probably carrying baggage about his wife leaving him, probably has some real commitment issues, and probably isn't comfortable enough in his own skin to really be a good partner to anyone.

My husband dumped me hard and fast after 15 years of marriage to be in a relationship with another woman. I was devestated and it was a long hard trip to feeling good again, but I've made it. After dating quite a few "toads" after my divorce, I've finally met a great guy. Not a perfect guy, because a perfect guy doesn't exist, but a great guy.

Your great guy is out there. You will find each other. You're beautiful, smart, kind, independent, and talented. You deserve the best. When you meet the right one, you'll bring out the best in each other.

Your ex is most likely on a long journey of unstable relationships, commitment issues and insecurities, and doesn't sound like he has what it takes to stay committed in a relationship. Your journey will be happy and stable if you keep heading forward in a positive direction. Life can be lonely when you're not in a relationship, but I have confidence that you'll do just fine while you continue to meet new, exciting people.

Don't settle -- there's someone who will think you are the "ying to his yang" :-)

Good luck, and keep giving your great advice to everyone here who depends on your words of wisdom for support and comfort!

(((()))))

OG

10-03-02, 02:36 AM
doriek
Dear Georgia

Not much else to say, after all the wisdom in these responses. So I will just offer you my support, my ears, my heart and my shoulders.

You deserve to feel your feelings and work through your grief, baby. And you deserve someone who will just love you to def. You are *Loveable*.

dorie

10-03-02, 02:02 PM
Georgia85
And to "O.G." if I had an e-mail address I would have replied to you personally. Your kinds words, like all the rest - have been very uplifting. And all you say is true. I am sorry you had a rough situation as well. No-one is ever immuned and I will always be just an e-mail away from ANYONE who needs a friendly ear!

And Dorie - your support is much appreciated. And will always offer support for you any time you need it!

Thanks everyone. I have the ammunition needed to continue with the healing process! cool

10-03-02, 04:42 PM
gizmogram
You have had some awesome replies here from your friends, and I have nothing to add except that please know we are here for you! If you need to email, chat, or whatever, don't hesitate! That's what we're here for!

Been there, done that...and I know it's hard frown

In this past year since that I've gotten to know the wonderful people here, I've leaned on them a few times! Use us if you need us!

In the meantime, take care. Love, Joni cool

10-04-02, 11:37 PM
nursey63
Hang in their it will get better. Be kind to yourself do some fun things that you love to do. It will help get your mind of ????? (We don't even want to acknowledge that he exists) Time will make it better but I know that is the pitts. Just keep talking to us and your friends. It will get better. smile

10-06-02, 07:44 PM
ic7901
you are seeking encouragement:
are there any authors, friends, poets, bible verses you might find comforting, insightful, helpful at this time ?
how do you feel about joining a ymca and going to yoga, dance, aerobic classes several times a week?
would keeping a journal of your progress and setbacks help you at this time ?


you are wanting to put a smile on your face and 'act' like you are not bothered..
hmmmm, i would consider that one carefully... the lack of congruence between how you are acting and feeling can keep you off balance.

i would like to join other respondents and also wish you Good Luck.

10-07-02, 09:57 AM
Cris5
Living well is the best revenge! Keep your head up. He's her problem now. Book a cruise and get away for a while. When you come back you'll have a clearer head, and a heart on the road to recovery. We endure many new beginnings in our lives. Who knows where the next chapter of your life will take you?

10-07-02, 12:11 PM
cattywampus
This is good advice, but be careful, Georgia - if you are expecting to find "happiness" in another person, you are doomed to grief. You must create your own happiness by deciding what you want out of life, then working toward that. Every little success will raise your concept of yourself, and bring contentment, which may be better than "happiness." Certainly it's less fleeting. Good luck!

Catty (who has been there many times also, and will take contentment every time) razz smile

10-08-02, 08:02 AM
Georgia85

quote:Originally posted by cattywampus:
if you are expecting to find "happiness" in another person, you are doomed to grief. You must create your own happiness by deciding what you want out of life, then working toward that.
Catty (who has been there many times also, and will take contentment every time) razz smile



You got that right Catty! I NEVER look for happiness in another person nor end one relationship and run into the arms of another. You can't be happy until you are happy with yourself.

And IC - so true about "the lack of congruence between how you are acting and feeling can keep you off balance." I just figured I could incorporate my acting skills on that one. But it's not as easy as I thought!

Chris - a friend quoted me that saying just the other day. Personally I like Elvira's saying "revenge is better than Christmas!" and Nursey - getting back into painting. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it and I am not half bad at it either!
big grin big grin

Thanks you all for making my day a bit brighter! And I'm here for you all too!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,