I'm 20 and I've been with my girl friend for 6 years. I'm begining to think now that I love her for the wrong reasons. I love how her body looks and what she lets me do to her and she loves me back. Not to be mean but I don't think she is very funny or smart. Some of the things she does drives me crazy. So is it ok to love her for how her body looks and not the other things that I've said?
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09-28-06, 06:03 PM
juanruiz
What does she love you for? If it's for the same superficial reasons you still make a good team.

09-28-06, 08:36 PM
DvdGStwrt
Ouch -

Juan does have a point - youth and beauty both fade in time, wit, humor, intelligence, spirit, these last (usually) until our dying day. Her personality must be the ultimate thing you want from her to actually be in love with her. If you can’t stand her personality, then I fear your relationship is based on shallow things which will not last very long.

So ask yourself this, would you die for her? Would you willingly give up your life for her?

If you have to think about it then I don’t think you love her. Sure you might like her, you might find the time with her rewarding, but if you are not able (or willing) to lay down your life for her then you do not love her. The correct answer would be an unswerving “yes” a yes spoken not just by your lips but your heart, your very soul would be uttering that one word. That is the nature of love.

Relationships are hard work, mostly composed of compromises, sacrifices and little to no reward beyond the comfort that being with that person give you. Few (if any) relationships grant huge rewards for little investments. Few (if any) relationships just happen. Don’t buy into the lie that “And they Lived Happily Ever after” Because usually they don’t – in fact if they are still with each other after 25, 30, 50 or more years its either because they are too terrified to test the waters, or they have worked hard and long to understand each other and to keep the flame of love blazing.

Hm – let me add – most relationships that last are punctuated by each side asking themselves “Do I love him/her?” because you see to ask the question means you still care – and caring is part of love.

Love is an over used word – having little meaning to most people. Easily you throw out that you “love her for the wrong reasons” No my friend, there are no wrong reasons to love – to love is to love – anything else is not love.

You may lust for her, as young men are wont to lust. You may get some other gratification out of this “relationship” however those are not love. Yet in love these can be found. Do not be confused, the old man can still lust for the old woman, although they are both in their 90’s, old, grey, and wrinkled – he sees her with the eyes of his youth, and she the same – to each other time has not, due to love, visited their bodies. One can lust after their loved one, lust by itself is not love.

Love endures all things, It is not puffed up, it is not selfish, is not bound by mortal laws, nor is it halted at death. Love, true love, will make it impossible for you to leave her, and if you do your heart will really break – it will hurt and you will know that your heart is broken. The mere thought of being without her will cause an ache – That is love. If not an ache then a shiver of fear – “How can I live without her?”

That too is love.

Can you endure her farts and bleches? Can you lay your eye upon her when she first wakes up, hair messed up, sleep in her eyes, mouth stinking in need of brushing and still ache to be with her? That is love. If instead of wanting to run out of the room when she is at her very worst because you still see her very best – then you are in love.

Love will find the utterly ridiculous behavior of your mate to be charming and “cute” all though any sane person observing would either find it utterly ridiculous or insane behavior. Even if her behavior irritates the crap out of you, but you smile inside because you find it “cute” – You are in love.

If you wake up in the morning and the first thought is her name, then you love her – if on the other hand your first thought is what she will do for you (in or out of bed) then you are using her for gratification of self. Do not confuse the issue – you can think about her name and her body at the same time. Examine carefully what it is you truly want when you wake up to answer that puzzle for yourself. If you want both, and if pressed to choose just one and just having her there is more important to you and you would willingly forgo the pleasures of the flesh – then you love her.

If the thought of her being harmed leaves you willing to sacrifice your very life so she will never be harmed, then you love her. If you would give her the moon, stop the sun in its race across the heavens, would do anything – ANYTHING – to grant to her the smallest (and largest) of wishes – you love her.

If on the other hand you view her as extra weight to be thrown over board as your boat sinks… that is not love.

Sure, you may yell and scream and fight tooth and nail with each other – however if, at the end of the day, you find yourselves unwilling to be without the other, then that too is love.

If you are lucky to find a love who, after 6, 7, 10, 25, 50 years the sight of their body still turns you on – you are doing great. Perhaps the simple fact that after 6 years you still find her attractive means that you do actually love her, but are without the wherewithal to understand what love is.

A test: if you understand this poem: http://www.bartleby.com/123/13.html then most likely you understand love – if it makes no sense to you, then you mayn’t actually be in love.

09-28-06, 08:50 PM
Doug
She loves me b/c we've been together along time and I respect her all the time and I'm a nice person.

09-28-06, 11:14 PM
juanruiz
From your previous posts on the subject as well as this one, you freely admit that your relationship essentially revolves around sex. If that works for you why question it? If you're looking for someone with whom you can discuss Plato and Aristotle, find someone else. Otherwise, keep the status quo.

09-29-06, 08:36 AM
Georgia85
David, your response brought tears to my eyes. You have captured a true definition of love and I hope that Doug read it thoroughly and even tho he made no response to your efforts will at least think about what you wrote and re-evaluate his feelings for this girl.

And Doug, far be it from anyone to question your feelings....you say you love her (but for the wrong reasons)...but kiddo, sure sounds like lust to me. Not saying there is anything wrong with that. But let's keep things in perspective. If you want to be with her on a physical level then apparently that is all you need in this phase of your life. Believe me tho' - the time will come when you yearn for a more fullfilling relationship and when that time comes and you meet the one for you, then you will truely understand the term "love"
Best wishes.

VelvetVoice
Look at the age of the person who is asking the question. At 14, what does a person know about himself/herself? Same at age twenty. These two are suffering from not knowing about life. Like Al Bundy said "when it comes to women, any choice you make is the wrong one."

There really is no mystery to love. My pastor often quotes from Jonathan Edwards "love is not a feeling, it is a choosing of whom you will set your affections on." And there are numerous studies done on the feelings of passion and love, and the average time that wears off is 3 years. If you have gotten past that and are still attracted to each other, that's love. Don't worry about what you're missing, because it ain't nothin'.

Not to say that you can't love someone else spiritually or emotionally either. You may never have a physical relationship with your true soulmate. Is a non-physical relationship really love? I think so.

It is important that you do the right thing for all parties, though. If you or your girlfriend are looking into other possibilities, at your age you need to be brutally honest with one another. An unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease will ruin your lives, and have tragic personal consequences besides.

09-29-06, 09:38 AM
frankvan
Doug, Doug, Doug ! Icould so easily echo your own words: "She loves me b/c we've been together along time and I respect her all the time and I'm a nice person". I've known my girl for 65 years, been married to her for 63 years come December. I must confess - it was not her brain that first caught my attention. She was, however, stacked like the proverbial brick privvy. Love ? Lust? Most intimate relationships, if the truth be known, start out for the "wrong" reasons. That probably accounts for the divorce rate, but love is a talent, an ability, which - if one has it - one can feel for any number of other people. It is inclusive rather than exclusive. I firmly believe if one is not capable of loving most others, he is not capable of loving any one individual. Aye, there's the rub. There are way too many attractive, handsome, lovable people out there. How to commit to any one individual for a lifetime? It's scary, I'll admit. You just have to listen to me, Juan, David, and then decide for yourself. Life is a great big crapshoot. If you expect something for little or nothing, remember, one more cliche, there's no such thing as a free lunch. Good luck! Wink

09-29-06, 09:42 AM
juanruiz

quote:
Is a non-physical relationship really love?



Blame the necessity of the question on the English language, normally so rich in vocabulary, it is essentially stuck with "love" to cover so many situations. The Greeks had many more words.

09-29-06, 01:07 PM
Doug
I don't mind being her boy friend for how ever long we can but if we get married and I still have these feelings that I do now, I'm trapped and will have no way out. If I marry her beacuse I want to have sex with her every chance I get, how fun will that be. I don't want to hurt her by marrying her for these reasons that I don't like her for some things that she does. I can tell you right now that marrying her will be a misrable choice. I would be misarable. I'm not going to pop the question. I'll let her. I know that's not how it is susposted to go but I'm not in a rush and if she said lets get married then I can re-think of how our relationship has gone so far and is it going to get better or wosre in the future? I'll still be her boy friend but not husband. At least not yet till I think it through.

09-29-06, 01:32 PM
juanruiz
As I said above, it seems your relationship is all based on eros, and after marriage that is usually the first thing to go. What was jollies every time together, happens less and less. One survey I read said 50% of married couples are intimate once a month. Sometimes that becomes once every six months...or once on your anniversary. It ain't a basis for a marriage. So you seem to be pretty intuitive about this. Your problem is: after 6 years, do you back away? And if so, how?

09-29-06, 02:25 PM
VelvetVoice
Doug-break up with her while you still can. Seriously, you are way too young to marry, I can see that in your attitude. As a woman, I don't want any part of a man that says "I'm only in it for the sex". And believe me, most men think that way. That really stinks! Not to say that sex isn't important, and I need it as much as anyone, but you can find willing sex partners anywhere. What most women look for is commitment, and that in itself is hard to find.

09-29-06, 02:37 PM
Sherasi
Frankly, I agree that marriage is a way wrong choice at this point for you. The reasons you outlay do not lend well to a long-term stable relationship.

Sexual activity can alter drastically throughout marriage because of various reasons (illness, stress, pregnancy, etc) and if there is no other 'points of reference' within that marriage, it would lead to disaster.

09-29-06, 03:11 PM
juanruiz

quote:
"I'm only in it for the sex". And believe me, most men think that way.



And that is what men, like all males of all species, are biologically hardwired to think. It's religions and societies that try to control man's sex drive; not always with success.

09-29-06, 06:57 PM
Doug
I've broken up with her on some issues. I can't seem to stay broken up. I keep wanting her back. I've not been broken up for more then a month so I know it will need taking used to. I guess I'll just have to wait and see that lies down the road in this relationship. I'm in college my 2nd year (and many more down the road) and she is in her 2nd and mabye next year 3rd year of post secondary school and we've agreed in small terms that after we are both out of school, we will talk and see if we want to take it to the next level like living together or wait until our pearnts kick us out to live together or what ever. She is not capable of living on her own. As I said, I'm just happy of having a girl friend even tho she does not meet some my standards. I don't like changes so finding another girl and starting new is not an option.
09-29-06, 08:57 PM
juanruiz

quote:
I don't like changes so finding another girl and starting new is not an option.



With that sort of modus vivendi good luck in life, Doug.

09-29-06, 08:57 PM
Sherasi
The reason you have a difficult time breaking up is that having a steady relationship is VERY habit forming. Humans are inherently social creatures and the thought of being alone and 'unmated' is a very deep-down anxiety inducing state for many people.

Even bad relationships are better than no relationships to many people. Which is why abusers almost always end up having their spouse return to them and the abuse (example only).

I, myself, was in a relationship that was unhealthy, and I remained in it for almost half a decade because it was safe and I was scared to be alone.

It takes courage to make that break and then move on really and truly. It is a sign of maturity when you are able to move away from a situation that is not the best and learn to cope and find a new path for yourself.

20 years old is awful young to make the hard 'life-,ate' choices.. expecially when you are already expressing doubts.

My sister said the day she married her husband she knew she was making a mistake and yet she did it because it was safe and she was afraid to be alone. 3 to 4 years later she was divorced, thank GOD no children were involved.

Good luck to you and the hard choices you need to make.

Sher

10-01-06, 01:43 AM
samantha
What makes you say she is not capable of living on her own?

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