I don’t want to make this a long story but here goes. I would like to get some advice; I have messed up in a big way here. My husband just found out I had been talking with another man, it started out as harmless flirting and then grew into "our little secret". I have been talking with this man for a few months now and nothing other than us talking about getting together was ever really done, I have kissed him but that is as far as it went. We see each other on almost a daily basis and have started to have feelings for each other. I am glad in a way he found out cause I do believe it would have gone further as time went on. My husband only knows of us talking to each other about getting together and nothing more. When he found out he was furious, as to be expected and since then has not spoken to me, this has been 3 days now. I have tried to tell him I was sorry and that nothing happened but it is doing no good he doesn’t want to hear it. The thing is I love my husband very much and don’t know why I did this and I am defiantly paying the price now for a dumb mistake. What can I do to make him believe me let the healing begin? I already know what I did was stupid and completely wrong, I have no excuse. I have tried to put myself in his shoes but he has never done anything like this at all and know he never would. Please don’t ridicule me for this I am already taking a beating for it just looking for some advice. I know now I didn’t really have feelings for this other man that is was just an infatuation. Thanks... ******************************************************** 10-22-03, 09:24 AM NCcichlid I would show him this post.
10-22-03, 09:26 AM LVLF You can't undo what has already taken place, but you can try to repair the damage to save the future. Your husband has lost faith and trust in you and those won't come back easily. I would suggest that tell your husband that you know he doesn't trust you any more, but that you want to gain that trust back, and maybe that going to a marriage counselor will be a start. Words of promise usually don't mean much, but there is, perhaps something going on within yourself that you may not even be aware of that caused this flirtation in the first place. Discovering it, with your husband at your side might give you both a new perspective on your marriage.
10-22-03, 09:40 AM Shawn It seems that he is telling you what he needs right now- to be left alone. When he is ready to talk about it- he will and probably blow up all at the same time.
Be nice and respectful- don't ask him lots of questions trying to get somekind of response out of him etc. Leave him alone in his solitude to deal with this his way first. If you persist in wanting to hash it out it will only make things worse.
When it is time he will give you his thoughts, fellings and possible a decision on your relationship. you must face the fact that although you feel "nothing happened" he doesn't- and he could very well say to hell with the whole thing because he could never trust you again. On the other hand he may accept your apology, y'all work on YOUR relationship and he still never trust you again.
Wait it out and let your God take control now, whatever happens you cannot change anymore than you can reverse what has happened.
10-22-03, 11:10 AM puppyblues Very few words, with huge meaning, NC. I would do that, southern_belle.
Good luck to you, honey. Smile
10-22-03, 11:41 AM angela-cc I agree about trust not coming easy again, and you will take a long time to earn it again. If it were me in that situation, I would have to really re-examine myself and think about what made me do that in the first place. The questions I would ask myself are... Am I really happy in my marriage any more? Am I just bored with my life or unhappy with myself, and if so what can I do to remedy it? If I want to save my marriage, what steps can I take to make us closer? If more romance is what I am lacking, what can I do to make it happen in my marriage instead of outside of it? (If indeed that is possible)
I can tell you this much. I know exactly how you feel, but I have never exactly acted on it.
10-22-03, 11:50 AM notinmyname Two things, and I say this as a divorced and remarried imperfect person.
Standard: marriage counseling. You have trouble whether you followed through on the interest or not.
The fact that you have become attracted to another implies the marriage and your love is shaky. Personally, this was my real indication that I no longer loved my ex-husband. One will put up with a lot if you love them, those problems big and small become real difficult to overcome without love. You can tough it out because of the vow. I am glad that I didn't. Again, this is personal with me, I have not found other men attractive in the 11 years I've been with 'second' husband. I have a crush on him still, even when he forgets to take the garbage out.
Good luck on the bumpy part of the road.
10-22-03, 01:08 PM MommyTimesTwo I agree with much of the advice above, but I would add that you might benefit from some marriage counseling. All the better if he wants to go with you, but it would help you alone nonetheless.
10-22-03, 01:58 PM Georgia85 Your husband got mad at your for TALKING to another man? Perhaps we should take the focus off of you for a moment and try to figure out what sort of man would react that childishly by giving you the silence treatment for 3 days. Imagine what he would do if he found out you kissed this guy!
I think I would be more furious than ashamed. You have not broken any vows to your husband. You did not follow through with anything. Who knows if you may or may not have if you had never been "caught". That's a separate issue.
So, how did your husband find out about this? If it were me I'd be feeling like my privacy had been invaded and that I was being told who I could and could not have as a friend.
I know some of you are shaking your heads at me right now but re-read southern_belle's post. Nothing was consumated. There was only talk of it. Talking and doing are 2 different things.
10-22-03, 02:05 PM angela-cc You are so right Georgia. She didn't actually cheat.
10-22-03, 02:38 PM Lydia I think I have to disagree with Georgia and Angela on that...she wasn't JUST talking to him - it was no mere "hi, how are you". My impression from what SB is saying is that they discussed thoughts, feelings and emotions. Emotionally, she became attached to this person. I can't say that I blame her husband for being upset. She also kissed him - and I'm sure she's not referring to a peck on the cheek. Sorry...I do believe her husband is justifiably angry, upset and hurt.
I think you need to give him time, don't try to justify your actions and discuss things openly and honestly with him...you owe him that much. If you can't discuss this, there is a huge communication issue. Don't look for him to forgive you...this is about making him comfortable with what you have (or haven't done), not about making you feel better (or worse) about it.
Let him have his space to come to terms and decide what it is that he wants and if he feels that he can trust you again. If trust fails...you've got nothing.
10-22-03, 03:53 PM southern_belle Thank you all for all of the advice. Georgia85, He wasn’t mad because I was talking to this man he even knew I was friends with him and was fine with it. He got mad when he over heard me on the phone with him. I was in the basement doing laundry talking on the phone with this man and didn’t hear him come in; he had come home early from work. After over hearing us on the phone he wanted to know who I was talking to and I told him, then I told him everything except for the kissing part that’s when he got mad. He wasn’t invading my privacy I just wasn’t expecting him home so soon. He never told me I couldn’t have him as a friend, up until then he never thought any different about this guy he knew that we were friends but that’s all he assumed we were. I really understand him being mad at me, I would be too it's hard to think of your spouse thinking about another person in that way. Thanks again for the advice I'll let you know what all happens.
10-22-03, 05:45 PM Judy It sounds to me like you have way too much time on your hands. Instead of spending it getting in trouble, why not volunteer your time for people who need a friendly face and some time spent with them like people who are left alone in retirement homes or kids in hospitals that parents have to work. Talking to your husband right now is the worse thing you can do. Let him figure out what he feels and he will come to you when he's ready. Just keep showing him you love him by doing the things he likes for now.
10-22-03, 05:56 PM Cyndiluwho_99 I have to agree with Lydia.
This was no mere talking. If you shared your thoughts and dreams and fears, things that you would normally share with your husband, then you have cheated. One does not have to be having sex in order to be cheating. Just sharing those intimacies is stepping over the line, never mind the kiss.
Once trust is gone, it doesn't take long for love to follow it, so don't be surprised if you've messed up royally.
Been there....done that.
10-22-03, 06:06 PM clarebear I am not trying to ridicule you but I have to ask you. Why should he trust you? If he would not have caught you how far would you have gone with him? You already met him and kissed him. You had an emotional affair. Not any better.
The problem with affairs is that everyone gets hurt. It is so easy for him to become everything your husband isn't. You may have started out as friends. You probably told him about all your problems you have at home. At some point he probably started saying, "OMG.. he did that to you, you poor thing! How terrible.. I would NEVER do that" Someone else can quickly become everything that your spouse is not. I suppose you can just get caught up in the moment. You feel wanted and that feels great. It is addicting. It is not reality. This man can be everything your husband isn't because he doesn't live with you. He doesn't have to deal with your PMS, shopping trips and idiosyncrasies. He gets to see the best of you and you see the best of him.
I'm sure this guy would never have a relationship with you anyway. I'm not trying to be mean just truthful. I am saying it the way it is. Afterall, you cheated on your husband so why would you not cheat on him? You entered this deceitful and dishonest. Like I asked earlier, why should your husband believe you? If I were you I would take a serious look at my relationship.
I almost didn't post here but I just had to. I'm not trying to be mean. I just think you are wrong. I see why your husband is mad and hurt. I really wish you the best. I hope it all works out. You seem very sincere but I still get the feeling your thinking about the other guy.
If it were me, I would get out the family photo albums and figure out what I really wanted. I hope things work out for you.
A problem well said is a problem half solved. Remember that and good luck to you and your family.
10-22-03, 06:19 PM notinmyname Just to be more positive than the prior poster, it seems likely that your hubby still loves you, he was upset. If he loves you enough he will forgive you, but he may not trust you again.
My ex didn't care when I left, until he got to missing all the work I did. He had been trying to drive me out anyhow. Sorry to sound bitter, I am much better off now. You must be really upset, it will work out for the best long term however.
10-22-03, 06:53 PM Cyndiluwho_99 Not to sound argumentative, but anyone who thinks love and trust don't go hand in hand is fooling themselves.
10-23-03, 07:49 AM MrsS Okay...here is the thing...even though nothing was "consummated", you cheated! You gave hour upon hour, day after day of emotional and mental energy to a man not your husband..and did so right under his nose...you say you saw him nearly every day? Did you go out for lunch? Coffee? Who paid? Were your husband's earnings financing your affair? Were you dressing up pretty? Using your good perfume? Did your husband think all this attention to detail was for his benefit, only to learn that it was for someone else that yook care with your appearance?....My first thought on reading your post was that, if my husband had done what you have done I would be MORE angry and hurt than if I had discovered his having had a stupid one night stand....I asked him what he thought, and he agreed that your on-going deception and the way you siphoned energy away from your marriage would be harder to forgive than a meaningless fling....The way you describe this other relationship, it sounds like you consider it as "almost" betraying your husband, or "sort of" cheating, but not really a serious thing....well, it is serious, and you are still lying to your husband...."then I told him everything except for the kissing part"
If you really hope to mend this tear in your marriage, I believe you'll need the help of a third party....a marriage counselor or your clergyman would be a good start. And you must NEVER have contact with the other fellow again and never, never, never again do anything like this...When he does cool down enough to speak to you again,you will be eating a lot of crow, chew carefully and smile when you swallow it.
10-23-03, 09:29 AM teeceeum If your husband refuses to talk to you at all, and if you feel that you just absolutely have to get it out, try wrting it all down. All of it. What you did. How you feel about it. How you feel for your husband. That could provide you with some catharsis and it may give you a way to communicate with your husband.
But you are still going to have to be patient and realize that this may mean the end of your marriage. I agree 100% with what MrsS said.
10-23-03, 10:15 AM Christine I think Shawn and teeceeum have the best ideas so far. Unfortunatey, there really are'nt levels of cheating, though I won't go as far as Jimmy Carter and say you 'sinned'because you lusted in your heart. Try to figure out what it was that attracted you to this other man, and ask yourself how important that is to you. Are you just bored after years of marriage, or is something fundamentally missing in your life with your husband? He is going to need time, and that is the hardest part...giving him that time. In the greater scheme of things, you have hurt his pride and his heart, let's hope that his heart wins out and that with love, forgiveness, and maybe even counseling, you will be able to forge a stronger bond than the one that was broken. Good luck to you both.
10-23-03, 12:16 PM Beth000376 What do I do now, need advice? Great post Clarebear I totally agree with everything you said. Hey the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence is it? Seems you had to learn this the hard way SB, but hopefully you can still save your marriage. He's going to be angry, hurt, disappointed ... these are all normal things to feel. You need to do a lot of talking now more than ever, and you should also come clean about the kissing part too, getting it all out now is better than having it come up later down the road. Best advice I can give you is that when your hubby is ready to talk to you remember to "Listen without Defending" and "Talk without Offending" he's going to have a lot to say when he's ready so try not to take it to personal after all he was the one who was hurt here. I really wish you the best SB. Affairs really are never an answer they just add to the problem and so many people get hurt in the process. Sorry you had to learn this the hard way. Beth
10-24-03, 08:54 AM southern_belle Thank you all for the advice and for the a$$ chewing, I needed them both. I have told him everything now, yes even about the kiss. I could tell that really upset him a lot but he knows I have told him everything and wont be hit with something else about this later down the road. He finally talked to me about the whole deal and most of you were right, it was best to just sit there and take it because I defiantly had it coming. He told me how hurt he was but was relieved that there was nothing more than a kiss and just talk. We are taking you guy's advice and going to look for a marriage counselor so things look like they are going to take a positive turn in this. I have severed all ties with the other man and my husband made it very clear to him about the situation and it was defiantly well received, my husband is rather muscular (very big man) and a former Marine Drill instructor. No harm came to the other man but he knows what could happen. I got the same from my husband as he did only with less expletives and intimidating gestures. I would like to say the worst is behind us but I think the road has just begun but do think the rebuilding process has begun. It will be a long time before he will trust me again but I told him as long as we have that time together for you to regain my trust that is all I can ask for at this point. Once again thanks all for your advice and chewing they were greatly appreciated by someone who messed up royally (Me). You guy’s are the best.
10-24-03, 09:06 AM clarebear It will be a long road but well worth it. Sometimes you don't know what you have until it is too late. You may find that your relationship is even stronger. Please take the advice of MrsS to heart. Don't ever ever ever do anything like this again. Hope to see ya around the pool in some other threads. Smile
10-24-03, 05:23 PM MrsS I am so glad to hear that you came totally clean with your husband....I have to admit, I was pretty appalled that you were talking about wanting to regain trust in the same breath as you were admitting that a secret was still being kept....I am truly proud of you now for having taken that very scary first step towards REALLY repairing what was bent. Holding back the full truth would have only prolonged the trouble...confession really is good for the soul...With both of you genuinely trying to fix things between you, do not be surprised if your marriage ends up stronger than before....but rest assured, I WILL jump up and down and scream at you if you have cause in the future to post a similar "What do I do NOW" question!Wink I wish you the best of luck.
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