I just found out today that a friend of mine has cancer.he is a young father andI i don't know what to say to him...I am just in shock at this news...What do I say or don't say?
Has anyone walked this road before?? ******************************************************* 05-29-03, 10:55 PM Ruthann Be the same friend that you have always been! I will keep you and your friend in my thoughts and prayers!
05-29-03, 10:57 PM honilov It's really hard to find words to say, in a case like this. You're always thinking that you might say the wrong thing, and you usually be silent. Try to start talking about it just a little at first, and see how you friend will react. If he doesn't want to talk, drop it, because it might not be the right time. Eventually, he might want to talk about it, and when this happens, always listen, and let him know that you are there for him. I am so sorry about his cancer.
05-29-03, 11:01 PM puppyblues I'm sorry about your friend, cyber. Frown I can tell you that he most likely needs his friends to talk about it with. Especially if his family is close and they are trying NOT to talk about it. Kind of like a death, people are there at the beginning, but then drift off...thinking that they don't want to talk about it, when most likely they do. Try and not be the friend that ends up in the back ground. He needs you more now then ever. When he needs cheered up, cheer him up. When he needs to cry, cry with him. When he needs to vent, let him. Just be there for him. It's the most important thing, just for him to know that your there, no matter what.
05-29-03, 11:29 PM Tree cyber, I have to agree with Ruthann.
Be yourself. It's a tough thing to deal with, but you're friends, and that means a LOT!!
05-29-03, 11:38 PM LVLF Yes, I have walked that path a few times in the last year, and it never gets easier, I'm sorry to say. I think, for me, what has worked is to be available. Let your friend know that you are available to help, with household chores, driving, laundry, meals , Dr, appointments, etc. Anything you can do to help your friend and his family. For each thing they don't have to think about, he'll have more energy to put toward treatment. As hard as it is, don't put yourself in the position of having to be comforted by your friend who is ill. You can tell him how sorry you are that he is ill, but I think he knows that. Being there to help is so much more of a comfort than you realize. You can't do everything for him and his family, but even the smallest of favors can go a long, long way. My mother has recently been through lung Cancer, and ya know what? There were some days when I, or my sister would take her for a short drive to the grocery store, her in her little hat covering her bald head, walking along as I pushed the cart, happy as a lark that she was somewhere other than the Dr.'s office getting radiation or chemo. Or my sister would bring dinner 2 or 3 times a week, most of which mom was too ill to eat, but she didn't have to 'think ' about what to make for dinner.. old habits die hard. Some brightly colored flowers in the middle of winter. A friend of my mothers sent her a 'I'm just thinking about you' card once a week for the entire time mom was going through treatment. Those are the kind of things that help the bad days seem not quite as bad, and make the not so good days better. Anyway, I feel for you and your friend, I know all too well the rough road ahead, and we are all here to help. I'll keep you and your friend in my thoughts.
05-30-03, 01:00 AM Sherasi Does your friend know if the cancer is operable or treatable with radiation or chemo?
The best thing to do is to be very supportive emotionally, mentally, and physically as needed.
If there is no hope, as he gets more weak and has more needs a local Hospice Program can provide emotional and physical support for him and his family.
I have had quite a few of younger Hospice patients, and it is never easy.
I found this site as a resource for you. Your friend may also want to ask his doctor for information as well.
05-30-03, 01:32 AM Di I'm so sorry to hear obout your friend Cyberloal and Your Mom Lvlf. My prayers are with all of you.
I feel Puppy's and Lvlf's advice is right. Your's as well Sherasi.
I've been through this recently with my husband, he was operated on for bladder cancer in April and at the moment is going thru the series of TICE-BCG treatments.
It's a scary, heartbreaking time and you can only be there for them; whatever their needs. Try to keep working on a positive attitude. That's very important for you as well as the patient.
You'll be in my thoughts, Di
05-30-03, 03:47 AM SeattleRon nobody can tell you what to say at times like these. You have to say whats in your heart. Some people might tell you to be strong and hide your emotions. To be honest with you, Nobody can tell you how to act, how to feel, or how you can accept that fact. Your feelings have to come from your heart cyberlaol. I have walked this road too many times in my life. All you can do is be there for him, being there for him now at this time is most important than ever before. Just don't patronize him.
GoodLuck cyberlaol.... God BLess
05-30-03, 10:41 PM LVLF
quote:
Originally posted by Di: I'm so sorry to hear obout your friend Cyberloal and Your Mom Lvlf. My prayers are with all of you.
Thank you. Smile I hope all is going well for you and your husband. I know how rough it can get. Be strong, but lean on friends when you need the extra strength.
05-30-03, 11:31 PM Di Thank you LVLF. As of today he is half way through the series of treatments. We should know by mid July how successful they have been.
I hate feeling so helpless in all but keeping spirits up.
10-13-03, 05:40 PM cattywampus The worst thing you can do is slam yourself all over him as if you expected him to die at any moment. You should not do anything much out of the ordinary. When my sister was dying, her only request was that no one speak negatively around her. Fronted with news like this, I usually say, "What a bummer!" Then I'll ask, "What is your plan?" Focus on what can be done rather than the possibility that it might be nothing. But do not trivialize his "problem", either. It is serious. Many ill people wish someone would listen to them. Operative word: LISTEN. No tales about how your aunt died from this and swelled to the size of a Volkswagen bus before she imploded, no offering alternative treatments to what his doctor is recommending, etc. Be upbeat and willing to listen, and you can't go wrong.
May God bless both of you.
Catty Smile
10-19-03, 03:36 AM grumpybear I'm sorry about your friend, truly am.. I think that everyone said exactly what I was going to..I will keep him and you in my prayers also...
10-19-03, 06:45 AM shelster I sent off an email cause I didn't want to get into much here, but after reading everyone's replies, I felt I had to.
I am a hospice nurse, and also take care of people who receive chemo at home.
I agree with what everyone said above. The most important thing is to allow him to go through all the stages that people go through. Anger, denial, bitterness, etc...they are NORMAL and you should never say "oh, don't talk like that". You need to validate his feelings.
One major issue for someone who is either terminal or starting chemo/radiation treatments is a loss of control. Here is someone who has been independant, and active. Suddenly his life is going to be filled with doctors, tests, and medicines. The whole situation can spin out of control, and many people respond poorly to losing their control.
If you say, "let me know if I can help with something." Or "Call me if you need anything." Most people will never do that. You need to suggest..."can I come over and take the kids for the afternoon?" Or "can I take you to an appointment?"
Most of all, validate him. Allow him to vent, no matter how difficult it is.
If anyone in AP ever needs help with a situation like this, or has questions, its the one subject I am strong on, having been both the hospice nurse, and the family of a terminal cancer patient.
Cyberlaol....watch your email.
You, your friend, and his family are all in my prayers
11-12-03, 09:33 AM angela-cc For some reason the words just come to me when something like this happens. If you would like to find out more about dealing one on one with actual cancer victims and their families you can visit my site. You will see lots of examples there. The archieves are public.
11-12-03, 01:03 PM megan_09 I had a friend that had cancer..she found out a few days before he 16th birthday...
That was very hard....but she has made it through it...She went into relapse a few weeks ago, but she is recovering from that also...
11-12-03, 01:27 PM Georgia85 Cyber, sorry I missed this thread when you originally posted it. I hope your friend is much improved. Smile
I have known several people to be diagnosed with Cancer. Some were co-workers, some were personal friends, and one was a relative. I do agree with the concensus that you need to be yourself. Personally, I am not one to hold a hand and sympathize. But I am one to find out facts and to explain things. So everyone I've known who has gotten sick has had me talk to them about what may or may not happen. And you know what? They have appreciated it. It's the unknown that scares some people. And often times doctors speak in medical terms that are hard for the individual to understand. Or sometimes a doctor will "sugar coat" the outcome to spare the patient from emotional turmoil. But I know for me I need to know all the facts.
So when I find out that someone has cancer I sit down with them and ask them first what kind they have and then secondly ask them if they'd like to know more about it. They always say yes and so I prepare them. You'd be surprised how much easier it is for them when there are no surprises. Whether it be from radiation therapy, chemo therapy, or side effects from other medicines.
11-12-03, 01:36 PM Lydia I'm walking that road now Leo - I have a good friend who has had cancer for over a year now...she had surgery and months of various treatments. She just had another surgery yesterday. It doesn't seem to be getting better, but the good part is that it doesn't seem to be getting "worse".
The only advice I can offer (based on talking to her) - is let them talk about it if they want to, do NOT, under any circumstances placate them by saying "you'll be fine" (you don't know that and are only covering up the fact that you are uncomfortable). Don't avoid the person no matter how sick you might think they are, they feel worse when people avoid them. Don't tell them they look great when they don't, but also don't start out a conversation by saying "wow, you look awful" (seriously, people have done this to her!). Don't dwell on it as the only topic of conversation...they HAVE cancer, they ARE NOT cancer. Those are just a few of the things I have learned about how she feels about things...
11-14-03, 04:11 PM MamaWolf As a two time cancer surrvivor, I can say this much..be you,the friend he has always had. Nothing can be more irritating than the sudden falseness we have to endure. It's hell on us, but worse is seeing that our health failing is causing our loved ones to change how they see us/treat us. I know I'm new, don't know you from adam, but it WAS the biggest problem for me.
Also, you'd be amazed at how much the little things in life come to mean.
Take Care, God Bless, and I will be praying for you and your friend.
MamaWolf
11-04-04, 09:47 PM cyberlaol Thank you for all of your replies-My friend's cancer has gone into remission but now a cousin of my wife's was diagnosed with cancer and is having chemotherapy treatments-Gee I really hate this disease as my own mother died of lung cancer in'96
Oh and for those of you who have emailed me at my hotmail address-I have taken steps to cancel that old address and I can now be reached at my yahoo address(cancelled hotmail address for personal reasons) if anyone wants it-hmmm Big Grin-well I am on yahoo messenger so if you know my real name you can email me at that @yahoo.com--I am not sure if we are allowed to put email addresses in here-I know Giz-Sherasi, cyndilu and a few others have my new address at yahoo
11-04-04, 10:04 PM jusork Can someone help me????? Cyber, just put the one you want people to e-mail you at in your profile.
11-05-04, 01:27 PM cyberlaol Well now there is the problem for me on my end-I go into my profile and try as I might I can't seem to change my email address?-I have asked administration as to what I have to do-I used to think it was easier to do than this
11-05-04, 02:11 PM jusork Scroll to the right with the bottom scroll bar and you should see your edit option. That should take you to where you can change your e-mail. Does that help?
11-05-04, 03:11 PM Georgia85 And once you click on the view/edit link you'll probably need to scroll down until you see the Display Email: box. That's where you can type in your new e-mail. Hope you can fix it - as I was not one of those you informed of the new address... Roll Eyes
11-07-04, 05:44 PM kittypal Cyber, I'm sorry, I just saw this today, just treat your friend like you always have, he is no different today then he was before....you can let him know that you are there for anything he needs though. Your pal will be in my prayers.
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