My one brother who got mixed up into drugs and all and went against what dad had wanted him to do school, etc. My dad offered to send him to a very good drug treatment center before and he refused to go. Anyhow to make a long story short here hes home and doing better and going to drug meetings and all. He is liveing here with me and my brothers. My dad is awful toward him and will not have a thing to do with him anymore. He won't even ackowledge he is his son now. He said since he didn't take his help before he is not his son any longer. I tried to talk to my dad about this and he got really upset with me so I was scared to push it. Any suggestions?

Sammy, you're going to have to let your dad come around in his own time. Your brother has hurt him one too many times and your dad is afraid of getting burned again.

The best thing your brother can do is stay clean, get his life together and then go to your dad and say, 'look dad, I know I made some very bad choices and mistakes. I've paid my dues, I'm clean and leading a good life now, I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me someday'.

You can't do that for him, Sammy. Your dad needs to see that your brother is serious this time. Just thank God that he's got you and his other brothers there for him. You are a wonderful sister.

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Originally posted by puppyblues:
Your brother has hurt him one too many times and your dad is afraid of getting burned again.

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Hurt doesn't seem like the right word. It's more like a grudge. He decided to remove his son from his life simply because of what he sees as complete disrespect.

I agree with trying to let him come around and show him that his son is an accomplished person. He might not ever come to it though if he's very stubbourn about it. If it doesn't work, just try recreating a family atmostphere between your brother and father maybe.

[This message was edited by jusork on 12-14-03 at 05:23 PM.]

Sammy, I believe your Dad will finally accept your brother again. Once your brother really proves himself to stay drug-free, your Dad will probably realize that he's for real. Don't push your Dad on this but always be there for your brother. Family support will give him more courage. I'm so glad that your brother is doing better.

Thanks guys but here we are with the holidays and its got me wanting all my family together again..I don't think my dad will budge on this you don't know how stubborn he can be. Well, thanks for all your answeres on here I know there is no magical answer and I guess I have to wait it out and see what happens.

Trust is something that takes time to rebuild. Your dad probably has heard the same "I'm clean" story many times. I think your dad is just probably hurt. Afterall, that is his son and a reflection of who he is and the parenting job that he has done. Your dad may be taking it personal and feels that if he was a better dad then his son would not have done those things. (which is not true)Parents often internalize mistakes their children do. The "I raised you better than that!" comes to mind. I often internalize things my son does. My mom blamed herself for some of the mistakes that I made. Parents sometimes do that. It is normal to feel bad when your kids have problems. You sometimes blame yourself. Let your brother prove that he is clean. It isn't going to be words, it is going to be action. Stay neutral. Love them both but stay out of it. In time, your dad will come around. Remember, that he is still his son. Your dad did care enough to let him come live with you. That says something in itself. Your dad is doing all that he knows how right now. Give it time. Everything will work out. Have Faith.

Sammy,
I sort of know what you are going through. Well, what your dad is going through.

See, my brother is into drugs really bad. He has no home, he just drifts from one place to another. My family has tried to help him so many times. Each time the help got thrown right back in our faces. He would come into our homes and steal money from us or things he could sell.

The final straw was when he and his girlfriend got pregnant. They did not take care of this child at all. When the baby was 1 1/2 years old the state stepped in and removed him from the home. I took him (the baby) into my home as a foster child. The state then offered my brother and his girlfriend help to kick their drug habit. All they had to do was complete a 30 day drug treatment program and attend parenting classes. It was that simple. They would have gotten their son back. Neither one would do it. Their rights were eventually terminated by the state. After 1 year and 8 months the adoption is finally complete. Their child is now my son.

Last week, I go outside to find my brother sitting on my porch. It was cold and snowing out. I felt bad for him. I let him come in for a few hours to get some sleep and to warm up. He repaid me by taking my son's bank with him when he left.

Now I should have known better. He has stolen so much from me in the past few years. But he is my brother and I love him. I have learned my lesson this time though. I could get past him doing me wrong, but when he starts taking from a child, well, that's it. I'm done. The next time I see him, I am going to have to tell him that his is no longer welcome in my life. I may change my mind later if he can prove that he has changed but that is going to take an awful lot of convincing.

So, I can understand a little of what your dad is going through. I, of course, don't know the whole situation so I could be way off base. It is so hard to forgive someone who has did nothing but throw your love and kindness back in your face.
Give your dad time to see if your brother really has changed. If he really has, then your dad should eventually come around. Just remember, people can hold grudges and hurt for a long time. If he doesn't come around then you will just have to accept it.

By the way, I think it is great that you are able to be there for your brother. He is lucky he still has family that is willing to help him. I truely hope he gets better.

Twinhearts

Thanks Twinhearts . My dad expects everyone to do what HE wants them to do and done't like it if you don't. He has always been very ruling in that way, its just the way we were raised. He raised us very very firm in dicipline too. So my brother since he did not acept my dads help and finally quit on his own is now disowned. I don't know maybe one day dad will come around I can only hope so. My other brothers where I live (was my parents house) lives in the house out back and is doing well. He is now thinking of his future and what he wants to do with it. I am so glad that he does have a family that is still here for him cause he did do alot of stealing in the past. So there is hope for your brother yet and I hope he changes for you too twin.

Sammy - I'm so sorry for what you're going through, especially here at Christmas. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Maybe the hardest thing to accept is that you can't control how your father feels or acts. He'll have to make up his own mind to accept your brother, regardless of the reason he is so upset.
I know it's hard not to be able to reconcile everyone, but sometimes you just have to let them work their own way through.
I do hope your dad comes around by Christmas. But if not, maybe the coming year will be a lot better for everyone.

I learned this years ago, but I have to constantly remind myself of it:
You can influence, but you can't control. (--MLH)

I'd like to think that parents would have unconditional love for their children. Unfortunately this is not always the case. Your brother opted for a life of drugs and blatantly went against everything your dad wanted for him. His defiant actions probably led your dad to believe that his son had no respect for him. So he now is upset, hurt, and it appears that he is harboring a grudge. And while his attitude is affecting you all it really is an issue that should be handled between the 2 men. I know you want everyone to be happy, especially during the holiday season, but this is something I feel they need to deal with themselves....or they might include an outside party such as a counselor.

Time heals most wounds. And once trust is lost it takes a lot to earn it again. Your brother has to continue a life of sobriety and prove himself to your dad in order for the healing to begin.

In the meantime Sammy, you love them both as much as you can and be the sweet and wonderful woman we all know you are!