When a relationhip is really over? I mean a guy im madly in love with is telling me its NOT over its just me and my problems which alot of you know about them and i really do not want to go into detail about them right now you know im bi polar and all. So i can't help feeling this relationhip is going down the tubes fast. I mean i FEEL it. I cry all the time, im in a constant turmoil over it. He is my first boyfriend so i have nothing at all to compare it too. I have alot of problems family, mental, physical and hes helped me through all of them so much, not that they are not still there but, heck im confused! Darn i need some advice how do i know when its really over even though hes saying its NOT on his part at all? How come i think it is? How come i feel it is? Is it me? Sorry for this but, i really need some good advice on what to do next.
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12-15-06, 07:11 AM
doñadiana
Sounds like you are at an emotional low point. I'm wondering if maybe the medicine for your bi-polar condition needs to be changed. See your doctor.

DD

12-15-06, 07:26 AM
Elexina
I agree. Since you have other concerns besides your relationship, those really might be your only concerns and your relationship might be completely fine and secure. If your boyfriend didn’t want to be with you, I’m sure he wouldn’t be. Not every guy can handle a girl with “baggage” and if he’s still sticking around chances are the relationship’s not over.

12-15-06, 09:13 AM
MrsS
Oh, Sweetheart, that is one of the hardest things in the world, when what you feel is totally different from what you're being told.
First, talk to your doc,make sure that it's not your meds talking... If it's not the meds, then sit yourself down and make two lists.. one list should be everything that's good about him and the relationship, the other list should include everything that does NOT make you happy... If one list is a lot longer than the other, or if one list has things that are far more important to you than the other, there's your probable answer.
Elexina is right, most guys don't hang around when they don't really want to stay, so it could be just your own fears making you so unhappy but it's also normal to have doubts.
Remember, Darling, that hardly anyone's first love is their last love and that the fear of being alone is a terrible reason to stay ... If this really is over, it will hurt, but for a shorter time than you might imagine.
Good Luck, Sweetie

12-15-06, 10:26 AM
Georgia85
This is a very sensitive subject for me after just having a 1 yr relationship with a live-in bf come to a sudden halt. He told me everything was alright, that we were still together, that he would be there for me forever. Then I came home from work the first of Nov to find he had packed up everything (including a drain cover) and moved out - no forwarding address. But even then he would call and tell me everything was alright and we were together....

Samantha, putting your illness and medication aside for a moment, a gal knows deep in her heart when something is truely over. When you look in your loved one's eyes and the spark that is usually there is missing, you know. When you talk to them and hear a flatness to their voice where there was once warmth, you know. When they laugh around others but rarely smile around you, you know. But sometimes you don't want to face your gut instinct and instead believe the words you are hearing. No matter how much you want a relationship to continue, the other will ultimately be the card holder.

Have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him why you feel the way you do and ask him once again if it is over. Then see how quickly he consoles you, hugs you, reassures you, etc. If he doesn't immediately try to comfort you or if you just sense he isn't into it 100%, then in your heart of hearts, you have your answer.

I'm sorry - I know the pain and confusion you are feeling. And maybe the others are right and you need your medicine adjusted. But why right now? If that were the case why wouldn't you have had these feelings all along?

12-15-06, 12:48 PM
samantha
Oh you guys are just ....great i don't know what else to say to you. I cry reading this but, heck i cry all the time anymore. Georgia im so sorry about your relationship ending. Frown (hugs)

Maybe your right and its all my bipolar meds ive went thru some MAJOR changes on them trying new meds on me and all that and well i hit a low i haven't hit in years. It was horrible i decribed it to my therapist that i think i saw death very close. So they have since switched me back to what i was on before but not without still having problems. I hate being this way.

My boyfriend is still as good as gold to me hes always, always there for me but i don't know what is wrong with me. I know this seems childish but, when i need to talk and talking i do alot with him and then its getting late he just leaves. I know in my heart that hes tired and on and on but doesnt he know how bad i need him then? I go to bed every time crying and can't sleep and wake up several times then to the point where well here i am i guess. I am just soo soo mixed up anymore. Is it really you think JUST the meds? Is it me? I don't know ...

thanks to all of you! Hugs

12-15-06, 12:50 PM
samantha
Just wanted to say we are miles and miles apart so were not in the same house at all or city or state..lol. So i know this has made it harder.

12-15-06, 01:38 PM
juanruiz
Hi Samantha, jr here. I have followed your travails over the years, never commenting. I have an idea of what you have gone through, but perhaps not all. The reason I'm posting now is because you do seem to be in perpetual agony, and though nothing I can say will really help, perhaps it is soemthing to think about. I might also add that someone very close to me went, and goes, through something similar. First, as to meds, there are so many out there, that it really becomes a series of tests to see what works best. Everyone's brain chemistry is unique, what works for one, sends another into orbit, and a third into the abyss. The process is hit and miss. And there is no fast, instant gratification, solution. So I urge you to keep that in mind (no pun intended this time.) Second, there are two types of realities, subjective and objective. You are now interpreting things using the subjective, what you perceive to be the truth. Obviously, none of us can know whether that results in an accurate conclusion in your case or not. We don't know your boyfriend, we don't know the history of your relationship. But your subjective reality appears to be leading you to nihilist scenario: he wants to drop you. Of course, a long distance relationship doesn't help matters any. Perhaps if you would take him at his word, believe he does care for you. Jettison the subjective for the objective, for what he tells you, your view will become more optimistic. I hope you do not mind that a man who you barely know, makes these observations and suggestions.

12-15-06, 04:19 PM
samantha
Oh Juan i don't at all mind that you answerd my post...jeeze i just have to get my dictionary out to understand it Big Grin Thank you and what i think your saying Roll Eyes no really this makes alot of sense to me. This is the most real relationship i have ever had meaning i have really never dated much...unless you count well, going to ballgames and such. I have a very supportive family my brothers and such and a great sister-in law who helps me. I don't think anyone really does understand me maybe it is because i do not understand myself alot of the times. I know this i know im in love deeply with this man and i don't want to hurt or get hurt. Maybe between my mental status and my past life and all it is me not intercepting his feelings right i don't know. I guess I do need to trust him more that he is right on things and i just do not see that right now? Anyhow, your all great thanks so much!

12-15-06, 04:28 PM
juanruiz

quote:
jeeze i just have to get my dictionary out to understand it

Sorry. Once a pedant, always a pedant. Wink

12-15-06, 05:35 PM
samantha
Yup and that is what makes you...you! lol did that make sense? Big Grin

12-15-06, 05:38 PM
samantha
One more thing i feel i need to say here. I know that life is a struggle for everyone at times then faced with an illness espically a mental one it is a constant struggle. Like somone said here all the different drugs , new trials etc...its so hard. It is espically hard for me to find myself at times. So when i get something that i like or whatever i focus on one thing. I have been told on many occasions i only see black/white. When i ask a question to someone i usually need a yes/no answer. I know its hard for others to try to at times explain things to me for that reason. I am trying.

12-15-06, 05:41 PM
samantha
MrsS im making my list and making it twice.. WinkThanks

12-19-06, 01:48 PM
Georgia85
Sam - check your e-mail. I sent you another response to this post on the 16th with some additional comments about your situation. I didn't want you (or anyone else) to think that your additional comments were being ignored here. I just wanted to talk about some personal things that I didn't feel comfortable posting here.

12-20-06, 07:47 AM
samantha
Thanks Georgia!

12-20-06, 12:50 PM
DvdGStwrt
Relationships never actually "end" they do however change.

It is important to know that Love changes and should change.

There are stages to "love". Starting off with the deep passion that makes it impossible for you to actually want to do anything else or think of anything else besides your love interest. If that kind of hard core love stayed with us humanity most likely would still be living in caves (much progress is lost in love).

That gives way to less stronger overwhelming feelings which allows us to function and do the work of society and life.

Although love may not feel as strong and overwhelming as time progresses it does become deeper. The moments of passion become fewer and farther between, however there is a deeper quality to that love that allows say your boyfreind to actually over-look your little flaws (which may look to you to be huge mountains).

Based on all that I have read of you here and in other posts I would have to say that your boyfreind most definitely does love you and is willing to go the extra mile and then some out of love.

Then why does he leave at night? He is human and humans cannot possibly perform outstanding feats of listening and compassion 24/7/365 days a year.

I would say that his still being with you after all of this time and willing to try to stay up with you and listen means that he does still love you. Many men would not "put up" with a woman with baggage. Men are not well equipped to deal with emotional luggage we are hardwired in a different way. Many cannot deal with a mess of emotions. The simple fact that he tries tells me that he does have a deep love for you.

Let us focus on the difference of cannot and will not. A person who cannot do a thing means they are unable to do it, a person who is unwilling to to a thing means that although able they flat refuse. There are plenty of people who cannot do a thing but are willing and try to do it anyway. It may be that your boyfreind is unable to deal with your "stuff" but is willing to try to anyway. All the willingness in the world will not make a person able to do a thing.

You may be picking up on his inability to actually cope with your stuff and misread it as a lack of willingness or a lack of love.

I would strongly urge couple's counseling (CC). I'm willing to bet next year's full profits that he is in need of therapy and the tools that therapy will give him to not only help you to deal with your stuff but to deal with the stuff he has that is being created by dealing with your stuff. Stuff makes stuff (Sounds better if you replace stuff with the s word Wink) and all that stuff needs to be dealt with.

CC will also 'grow a pair' on both of you if either one of you want out of this relationship. CC will uncover any hidden angst, any loathing, any indifference to this relationship it will allow you to safely explore the possibility that it (the relationship) is over. It will provide you both with a sounding board (the therapist) who will sit there and listen to what you say and allow you to dump everything and anything you want (except physical violence) on them in an environment that is safe to blow off steam. Most likely the Therapist will not only want to see both of you together, but also a few personal sessions as well to allow each of you time along with them to tell it exactly how you feel it is.

Even healthy, well balanced "normal" people need help in their relationships.

12-20-06, 10:26 PM
samantha
Thanks so much David your post was great as usual and made me feel so much better. I appreciate the time all of you took to help me out here and i am feeling better about mine and his relationship and in return i noticed that the strain i had felt is now easing up somewhat. I am back on the one med that has helped me in the past and i feel much more condifdent again at least more than i was feeling. For people who don't have bipolar i know life still is hard at times and has it ups and downs enough but, then having a condition tht is like this espically when they decide to play around with your meds really gets to you. So my thing is to try to take one day at a time...thanks so much!

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