How DO you know if your husbands cheating on you? Is there any signs? ********************************************************** 10-27-03, 05:00 AM Kendor Believe me, you'll know. I've had two long term commitments go sour because of cheating; except in my case it was the female doing the cheating. If you feel it's happening, it's happening. I felt it, both times, and both times I was right.
Freakin [panty] hose.
10-27-03, 06:20 AM angela-cc I disagree. You may know there is something odd or different going on, but it may not be cheating. Maybe you should ask him what is going on or if he is seeing another woman.
10-27-03, 06:20 AM shelster Grumpy,
I don't think thats necessarily true. I have had suspicions, but they were all untrue...
Why are you thinking that way? I mean....what has caused the suspicion?
10-27-03, 06:47 AM Adi Is he:
1. Staying longer at work than he used to? 2. Not talking to you as much as he used to? 3. Avoiding going to bed at the same time as you? 4. Avoiding physical contact with you? 5. Coming home smelling of perfume or some other 'unusual' smell (eg cigarette smoke when he doesn't smoke)? 6. Chewing gum (to mask his breath) when he comes home, when he never used to? 7. Taking more care over his general appearance than before?
If you answer 'yes' to the first 4 of these, it could be that he is seeing someone else, but not necessarily. If you answer 'yes' to 5,6 and 7 in addition, it's very very probable that he is.
10-27-03, 08:40 AM MrsS What are your doubts based on? And what else is going on in your life? While the first 4 clues on the list above CAN indicate that a fella is unfaithful, they can also indicate that he is worried about money(Men are notorious for equating their net worth with their self worth), is having some sort of health problem that he is not talking about or is angry with you about something he does not know how to address....And clue number 5 is a tricky one....Smelling of perfume or smoke COULD mean there is someone else, or it could mean that he is sitting in a bar, brooding over something(cocktail waitresses often wear entirely too much perfume, and in a loud bar they lean in close to hear a drink order or in hopes of getting a better tip) I hope your fears are unfounded, but I advise you ask him about whatever you've noticed....something along the lines of "Honey...Is something bothering you? Lately I have noticed some changes such as {fill in the behavior here} and I am worried that you aren't telling me something...we ARE in this together.....What's up?"
10-27-03, 11:30 AM MommyTimesTwo My perspective is a little skewed, but I thought I'd share. I have depression and a generalized anxiety disorder. There have been many times that I thought my husbnad was cheating, and he wasn't--it was me being, well, myself.
So the very very first question to ask is, is there any reason THAT HE ISN'T CREATING that I might be more paranoid or lacking of self-worth than usual? If the answer to that is no, then look at him.
Good luck.
10-27-03, 11:57 AM grumpybear i think its just me....very depressed, very anxtious...sorry to waste everyone's time with the silly topic...he's not cheating....
10-27-03, 12:00 PM shelster Grumpy..no need to be sorry. If you are worried about something..thats what we are here for!
10-27-03, 12:08 PM MrsS Shelly's right...no call for apologies, that IS what we are here for..and besides, someone else might be helped by the thread somewhere down the line
10-27-03, 03:42 PM clarebear I agree with Kendor. If you really think he's cheating, he probably is.
When my ex cheated I felt something wasn't right but I just didn't want to believe it.
Do you find phone numbers in his pockets? Does he get a lot of 'wrong' numbers on his phone? Any hang up calls? Has he started 'driving around to think'? Does he have to suddenly work late? Does he take a shower right when he walks in the door? (If he never did before) Does he start fights with you and then leave? Does he tell you you are crazy and it is 'all in your head'? Do you feel in your heart he is being untrue? Has he gotten any recent 'NEW' friends he is hanging out with?
I just think that if you really feel it in your heart, then it is probably true. If you just wonder if he would (we all worry about it now and then) or are insecure then he probably isn't.
It sounds like you are just looking for some signs on how to tell if he is or he isn't. Go with your instinct... it is usually right.
10-27-03, 04:43 PM MommyTimesTwo
quote:
Originally posted by grumpybear: i think its just me....very depressed, very anxtious...sorry to waste everyone's time with the silly topic...he's not cheating....
Sweetie!! I'm always depressed and anxious. In fact, I'm going Wednesday for medication because its getting uncontrollable. And I bother everyone with it all the time. Please don't feel bad. I'm always happy to listen adn offer whatever assistance I can. Trust me--I TOTALLY empathize. @->-
10-27-03, 04:45 PM MommyTimesTwo Clare
In most cases, your advice is dead on. However, when you have depression and/or anxiety, your suspicions aren't usualy right. THey're based on poor self image and paranoia. I know in my case we got pretty close to divorce over things that weren't happening, but I THOUGHT were happening, because of my depression. I thought, well I'm so messed up, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I don't blame him if he wants someoen else. But I'm not that messed up, I'm not ugly, and I'm not fat. And he doesn't want anyone else. It was just my state of mind telling me that.
If Grumpy feels that way, its horrible. Trust me. Its like lying at the bottom of a well shaft covered in a dark wet blanket all alone. Right now she needs her husband there with her, to fight the depression and anxiety.
10-27-03, 04:46 PM honilov I agree with Kendor, too. If he's cheating, I think you'll know it. Even if you ask him and he says no, that doesn't mean that he's not. I've seen women and men being fooled because they believed a lie, when everyone else knew what was going on. Just be your own detective and ask little, but watch everything. They'll even try to make you think that the problem is with you. I'm glad that you've decided that your husband is not cheating. Smile
10-27-03, 06:08 PM MommyTimesTwo That's what's so hard when you have depression. If depression is Grumpy's problem, everything is skewed, because when you DON'T have depression cheaters try to make you think you do!
It's really hard. I hope you the best, Grump.
10-28-03, 06:45 AM clarebear Grumpy didn't actually say she was depressed because of an anxiety disorder or low self image. I have read some of her posts. What is happening in her relationship can be causing the depression and anxiety. Being with someone controlling will bring anyone down.
Cousin Grumpybear, YES it is wrong to try to control someone in a relationship. You should never feel guilty for being yourself and wanting to do the things that YOU want to do. I'm here if you ever want to talk. Smile
10-28-03, 09:13 AM MommyTimesTwo If that is teh case, my original advice to seek marriage counseling still stands. I was just saying that if she's depressed (and she sounds depressed, and did say there's depression and anxiety) that the depression cna cause the suspicion.
Unfortunately I only have this post to go off Frown
10-28-03, 03:08 PM clarebear We are keeping the thread going and she bailed. Who knows... we probably are both wrong. Wink LOL
10-28-03, 09:13 PM MommyTimesTwo Maybe. Now I'm afraid he was cheating and I gave her bad advice Frown
10-28-03, 11:31 PM puppyblues Could depend on how paranoid the person asking if the cheating is happening is, too.
Sometimes, if you (and I'm not saying you are, grumpybear) are the one doing the cheating, you automatically think the other is too. If you are doing it, you think to yourself he is too because if it's something you would do, he probably will too.
Don't accuse unless you are prepared to defend yourself...unless you have solid evidence.
11-09-03, 02:46 PM NAVY BRATS Cheating? Frown TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: I HAVE JUST BEEN LEFT BY MY HUSBAND.. HE JUST GOT OUT THE MILITARY, COULDNT FIND A JOB, COULD NOT SUPPORT HIS FAMILY, DID NOT LIKE WHERE WE LIVE, MISSED HIS HOME AND FAMILY, COULD NOT DEAL WITH NOT HAVING A "LIFE" ANYMORE, TURNED 30, RENEWED 10 YEARS WITH ME, AND LEFT A MONTH LATER.. HE SAID HE ONLY HAS ONE LIFE TO LIVE AND HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE UNHAPPY AGAIN.. MIDLIFE CRISIS?? DEPRESSION?? WHO KNOWS ALL I KNOW IT THAT I HAVE HAD DEPRESSION,ANXIETY, AND PANIC ATTACKS ALL MY LIFE AND THEY BEGAN TO GET WORSE AFTER MY FIRST CHILD WAS BORN..HE HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME THROUGH IT ALL.. NOW IS IT MY TURN TO TRY TO HELP HIM??? THE ONLY THING I REGRET IS BEING SO OVERWHELMED WITH PANIC THAT I DID NOT PICK UP THE SIGNS THAT HE WAS IN TROUBLE AND BEING THAT HE IS THE ONE THAT ALWAYS TAKES CARE TO THE FAMILY... HE WAS ACTING THE SAME WAY THAT SHE DESCRIBED ONLY WORSE.. NO HE IS AND WAS NOT CHEATING.. HE JUST LOST HIS WAY AND HIS SELF WORTH.. AM I TAKING HIM BACK .. TRYING! WILL I EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN.. PROBABLY NOT TOTALLY EVER AGAIN.. DO I BELIEVE THAT I SHOULD STICK OUT FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES? YES I HAVE LOVED HIM EVEN BEFORE I MET HIM AND HE GAVE ME TWO BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.. PLEASE I BEG OF YOU TAKE MEDS IF YOU HAVE TO.. I HAVE HAD TO DO THIS.. TO BE ABLE TO COPE.. SIT DOWN WITH HIM TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM,, TELL HIM YOU ARE THERE FOR HIM NO MATTER WHAT GO TO COUNCELING... BUT PLEASE DO SOMETHING.. WITH HIM.. DONT LET ANOTHER MINUTE GO BY UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT IS WRONG.. TRUST ME YOU DO NOT WANT IT TO EVER GET THIS FAR I AM JUST BLESSED THAT MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED AND HE STILL WANTS A FAMILY.. GO TO HIM AND WORK ON IT.. DONT JUST ASSUME THAT THERE IS SOMEONE.. BELIEVE ME.. IF ANYONE SHOULD HAVE WONDERED IT WOULD BE ME BUT MY HEART TOLD ME THERE WAS AND ISNT ANYONE BUT ME.. BUT LOVE DOES NOT ALWAYS HOLD THE MARRIAGE TOGETHER.. TRUST.. COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING..LISTENING..TRY: HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS BOOK... TRY: THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES.. START THERE AND GET INTO SOME KIND OF COUNCELING AND STAY IN CHURCH AND PRAY ALOT.. BE BLESSED
11-09-03, 03:49 PM MrsS Navy Brats...I am awfully sorry about your marriage, and I hope we can offer you some support during this terrible time, but could you do one little thing....please turn off your CAPS LOCK....You are new to our little community and probably, as upset as you must be, did not read the site rules, which state , in part that...."....Any posts, or parts therein, written in CAPITAL LETTERS, are looked upon as shouting and therefore impolite. Please use capitals in the appropriate places only." I am truly not trying to be a nag, especially when you least need any guff...but I am concerned that some might see the ALL CAPS post and not bother to read it.... All my best.
11-09-03, 06:36 PM grumpybear Thank you all for all the great advice/questions...Turns out it really was me.. I have been more than normally depressed, and my emotions was leading me to believe that my husband was cheating on me..We sat and talked about it soon after I placed this post...Everything is fine between us..It was my emotions getting the best of me...Thank you all again though...
11-09-03, 09:43 PM Sherasi Navy Brat, I hope things work out for you. If your husband is upset and depressed, be supportive, let him know you are there and you love him, but he needs a little time to figure out what is important to him, what his view of the future is.
Bad times do happen, but keeping a positive attitude and finding community resources to help may be a way to manage. My email is in my personal details (click on my name), if you want to email me, you may.
Grumpy, I hope things are working out for you, you are also welcome to email me if you wish to.
Audrey/Sher
11-16-03, 11:11 AM cherc Dear GrumpyBear,
I just wanted to let you know that I go through this sometimes too, I have feelings that he cheats. It is usually because I am depressed or feeling anxious about something.
I have low self-esteem, but am working on it. My husband is very supportive. I first try to rationalize my feelings before saying anything, usually it's just me. Sometimes I can't rationalize it and we sit down and talk - like you and your husband did. I think it helps my husband to know that it's not him, it's the way I perceive things sometimes.
Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on, I just wanted you to know that there are those of us out there going to through the same thing. Some say it's not normal, but show me normal and I'll give you a million bucks! Smile
It takes a strong person to admit that their feelings and work on them.
Take care.
cher
11-16-03, 04:53 PM Sherasi Cherc, welcome to Answerpool. I think that self-esteem is the single most destructive component of any relationship that practically exists.
11-17-03, 03:26 AM SeattleRon grumpybear. If homebody is cheating on you. You can smell it. It won't be the classic lipstick on the collar. It's the avoiding serious conversation or stuttering and really retarded excuses. LIke, hey babe that was my friends hotel reciept If he blames a pair of panties or a hotel ticket on his friends, Homebody is cheating.
PLus this one is the most distinct. If he ain't askin for sex from you. Homeboy is cheating. Because those are all the things I do when I used to cheat.
11-17-03, 10:54 AM cherc Dear NavyBrats,
Sorry to hear about what is happening with your marriage. I need to share this with you. I was not married at the time, but lived with my now-husband. After 5 years, all of a sudden, he asked me to move out. I was completely devastated and did not understand what was happening. Turns out, he was having some issues and felt like he needed to live alone for a while. I NEVER gave up on him. I would call him just to talk. He would tell me to stop calling, he even got a restraining order so I wouldn't come over! Eek It's funny now. After a few months, we started having lunch together and moved back in after 6 months. Now it's 12 years later and we are happily married. He always thanks me for not giving up on "us", even when he did.
Be there for him when he needs you. True love WILL prevail - it usually does! Take good care and don't give up.
Cher C
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