I divorced my X when my kids were very young (for very good reason). He had nothing to do with them --except for the child support that I had to fight for--for years. He never called them, sent them birthday cards, or was there for Christmas or anything. He was off in his own world, marrying a few more times.

Now my kids are in their 20's, and all of a sudden Daddy's here. He's calling them all of the time--inviting them over. And they think it's just great. I know---I should be glad that they are now having a relationship with him, but damn it I resent it big time. After all of these years, why should I have to share their time with him? I really don't like being like this, but it's eatin' me up. I've gone on with my life and am now married to a great guy and should be able to just deal with this--but he wasn't there before for all of their good times and bad--why does he deserve to be part of it now? (Man, I'm writing this and do I sound bitter or what?)

Just wondering if anyone else out there can relate to these feelings. Thanks for reading this dribble.
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05-30-03, 09:16 PM
Sherasi
I can understand how you feel, although it isn't anything I've experienced personally.

The only thing you can do is to bear with it and be happy for your childrens sake. You don't want to risk alienating them by being negative during this developing situation.

You have a terrific husband now and focus on your relationship with im and keep your relationship with your children seperate from their father.

05-30-03, 09:19 PM
sonnet26
I can relate, kellygirl, but from a different perspective. My parents divorced after 30 years of marriage (I had just turned 29) and it was not pleasant. I didn't speak to my father for almost 15 years (he also never had much to do with us even while my parents were married), partly because my mother was so bitter over her marriage and divorce.

I got past "everything" and now have a relationship with my dad. My mother is still bitter after 20 years; that's not my problem. She'll never get beyond the divorce, and there's nothing I can do about that. She'd be a much happier person if she could let go.

You have to understand that your kids relationship with their father is nothing like the relationship you had with him. They are completely separate and should stay that way. Perhaps whatever issues your children may have had with their dad are now resolved - this is a good thing.

For your own sake, I think you need to try and forgive, even though you can never forget. There will come a time when you'll probably have to see him again - high school/college graduations, weddings, etc. - and it would be so much easier if you could find away to let go of everything.

Over the years, we (my sisters and I) have asked my dad to stay away from functions (always at my mother's requests) just so my mother wouldn't get "upset." No longer. One of my nieces is graduating from High School on Monday and my sister finally told my mother that she would no longer do it. My father will be at the graduation and my sister told my mother she could attend, or not, but she was not going to ask my father to stay away.

My mother left yesterday to attend the graduation and we're hoping she finally can come to terms with my dad. It's important, if only for everyone to have a good time and not be worried about how my mom will feel about it.

Sorry if I sound a little preachy. I think you're probably much better off than my mom; you went on with your life, she never did.

Okay, I'm getting down of my soapbox and wish you the best. I suggest, for your own happiness, to try and get past your feelings for your ex-husband.

05-31-03, 12:19 AM
Texan-In-Exile
KelleyGirl - I'm sorry you have such a rough situation to deal with.

Your kids are probably trying to make up for lost time. They are probably trying to develop a relationship they lacked growing up, although it will never replace the one they didn't have.

Try not to take it personally. Their dad will never replace you. You will always be #1 in their hearts!
They just want to find out what could have been, and maybe what could still be.

I know - I missed my father growing up. My mother was very insecure when I did become close to him. She did things that ended up hurting me instead of him.

Remember what I said about you and them! Wink

05-31-03, 12:36 AM
niccincoogol
I think that sucks. The guy cares squat while the kids are at the most difficult ages (pre-20), and now that they're adults, he's back. That's lame. I do understand the angle from the kids though.....they always wanted to know "Dad", and now he cares, so they're all over it.......that's a tough sitch.....sorry I don't have words to help......I've always had a chip about cowardly fathers...he's a classic example.......

05-31-03, 12:48 AM
Judy
This is a novelty for them now. Once it wears off they will see less and less of him and he will see less and less of them. He's too selfish to have to share that much time with them for very long. Keep the faith girl.

05-31-03, 02:05 AM
Kelleygirl
Thanks, guys, you are too kind! Sherasi, you're right--I should focus on my terrific husband (he really is). But I do feel some jealously over the royal treatment that he seems to be getting from the "kids".

Sonnet, it really is too bad that your mom didn't move on long ago. She's carrying some heavy baggage.

Nic, thanks for your understanding words and Judy, I do think that he will fade out--only hope that won't hurt the kids' feelings. And most of all, TIE, yes--I will remember.

06-01-03, 01:13 PM
LVLF
So, their sperm donor wants to be a part of their lives now? Well, how nice for him. I would be just as resentful as you are, but let the kids get to know him. But, if I was in your situation, I would make a well placed phone call to your former husband, and tell him how important it is that he not let them down now, again, that if he wants to make this commitment, he'd better stick to it. They are old enough now, that they will see him for what is is, and they can come or go as they please.
It's possible that he's changed, grown up , and really regrets the years he lost, years he'll never have loving memories of, and if that is the case, more power to him. You have ever right to be leary, and resentful, but let the situation play out, see how it goes. It's okay to be jealous, just don't let it turn you into something that you aren't.

06-01-03, 08:27 PM
Kelleygirl

quote:

Originally posted by ic7901:

quote:

Originally posted by Kelleygirl:`

Just wondering if anyone else out there can relate to these feelings.

yes.
i can relate to feeling jealous, bitter, threatened, resentful.

I meant that I was seeking feedback from anyone that had similar situations and advise on how they were able to deal with it. I did receive some great input and I greatly appreciate what has been posted.

LVLF,
I will lay back and see how this plays out; my daughter, however, is now talking about moving 30 miles away (from my turf) to be closer to her dad. I have to say that I am moving on from jealous to stunned, not only at her reaction but this would mean that I would not get to see my precious granddaughter nearly as much as I do today. So we'll see---

06-04-03, 06:02 PM
LVLF
Boy, it just keeps getting better and better. So, he's gotten a strong enough hold on her that she wants to be nearer to him. I'd be stunned, too. Do you feel like you could talk to your former husband and tell him how you feel, or would it make no difference? Boy, I sure feel for you. I hope your daughter thinks about the move very carefully before she makes such a huge change in all of your lives.

06-04-03, 08:47 PM
Kelleygirl
Thanks for your kind words, LVLF. I really don't think starting any discussion between he and I would accomplish anything. And if my daughter found out, it would probably push her even farther away from me. She's pretty excited about this "new" relationship. Just have to wait and see---

06-05-03, 03:40 PM
teeceeum
Kelley, I have been in your shoes precisely. Sorry that I can't give you any wonderous advice on how to get past it because I'm not sure that I have yet myself. But I do live with. I guess maybe that is the only advice I can offer. Just learn to live with it.

06-05-03, 04:03 PM
MrsS
Of course you're ticked off, I'd be throwing crockery!...You dealt alone with the chicken pox,the homework, the bumps and scrapes, the adolescent crap, the first heartbreaks,etc...and now he wants in on the fruits of all that effort!
The only comfort I can offer is this...sooner or later, the kids will want some answers about where the heck he was all that time...and he'll have no decent excuse to offer. I promise that this "honeymoon" is just a phase, and that things will even out in not too long.

06-05-03, 07:43 PM
Kelleygirl
Thanks guys--it's so great to be able to "talk" to people who care and/or have been there before. Sometimes I wonder if that isn't why we have some rough times in our lives--so that we have help out others who wind up in similar predicaments.

09-06-03, 03:51 AM
SAINT DAN
it's taken your x 20 yrs to grow up. he's feeling remorse over the lost years but he'll never tell you that.

your kids know where their loyalites lie.

09-13-03, 09:40 AM
shelster
Wow, you mean this happens to other people too? I am in the position of your children. My parents divorced when I was 7, my sisters were 3 and 18 months. He remarried a few years later and adopted my step mothers daughter. As I grew up and entered the "terrible teens" My dad, step mom and I started fighting terribly. To make a long story short, I stopped going for visitation with my dad, although my sisters continued.

My dad and I hadn't talked for about 15 years until recently. I think deep down my mom enjoyed the fact that I didn't have a relationship with him, because she could talk about the divorce and problems with him and I would defend him the way my sisters did.

On memorial day, my sister got married. It was the first time dad met my husband of 10 years and my two children (10 and 5). We all got along very well, and he has since suggested that we all spend part of our vacations together.

Mom hasn't really said much about it, except that he never had a hand in raising us much (even during visits he was very distant) so why should he have the right to be proud of our achievements.

I guess I would have to say, that having a relationship with my dad does not diminish my respect for my mom being a single mom in any way. I know the sacrifices she had to make. But getting to know my dad is a closure/healing for me. It has helped me deal with some really big emotional issues that I have been struggling with for years. Hearing him say he was proud of my accomplishments closed a door on stuff that I had been suffering with for most of my life.

Trust the kids you have raised, to be able to care about him, but not forget what you have done for them. They will always treasure you as their mother and the one who raised them. Plus, when they are reminiscing about their childhood....he won't be there, only memories of you.

I hope that helps somehow

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