I am at a crossroad and need direction. Would you please give me some ideas? The topic can be seen as "family dysfunction".
Here's my dilemma: Just as in my two families, I was set up to be the "scapegoat" for a group, several months ago.
The group, in which I was a part, was doing a wonderful job of getting along and getting things done. Then, one (or several) decided to corrupt the group into, what I see as, a dysfunctional family.
Initially, the "Chief Enabler", as I see the person, viciously attacked me. Initially, I knew that this was a maneuver to provoke my reaction. So that I could look "bad" and that person could look "good". (The same maneuver I saw several times.) But knowing that the group was about to be corrupted, frightened me so much that I lost sight of this detail and did react. Again, I played the "scapegoat" role, beautifully.
The problem is, it worked, just like it did before. I took full responsibility and apologized for how my reactions hurt others. But the responsibility for another person(s)'s decision to destroy the commeraderie and corrupt the group is being aimed at me. Even from people I do not know and who do not know me.
I enjoy participating in the group, but cannot stand the sarcasm, undermining, innuendo and condescention...shame that does not belong to me.
What would you do if you were in my place? Any suggestions? Is there any way, that I am not aware of, that would straighten out this mess? Typically, the one responsible for creating this disturbance, refuses to fess up.
Thank you for listening. And thank you, ahead of time, for your time and help.
doriek
[This message was edited by doriek on 07-01-02 at 11:36 PM.]
Doesn't anyone in this group remember the vicious attacks on you that started it all? Was everyone else in agreement with the attacks? Seems you must have some friends and support in this group. Talk to them privately about how this has upset and hurt you. Ask them q's like if they think you are over reacting, if they see what happened, if they agree with you. You don't give a clue (purposely I think) as to whether this group is unavoidable -as in work- or not. If others agree with you then your position in the group is sitting right next to the door. Talking will also make others aware of the game and it is likely to be played on someone again. That would be the time to call the "enabler" on it. If you find no support then you might have to reconsider how much you enjoy the sarcasm etc. The bad part is that this support building plays into the devicive backbiting game. The good part is that you will know where you stand and it may get some others to think.
Posts: 2216 | Location: central fl. | Registered: 06-03-02
I got in a *sort of* similar situation just today in fact. I was innocently chatting with a co-worker on instant messenger (or so I thought) about star wars and how I wouldn't like to kiss a wookie (because their furry and smelly)
Well unbeknownst to ME I was actually talking to his wife, posing as him...and she interpreted my statements to somehow come out that me saying I didn't want to kiss a hairy wookie meant I really DID want to kiss the co-worker because he has a beard??? Yeah...it makes no sense. My fiancee could inform her that I'm a fan of clean shaven only...but even if I weren't, we were talking about STAR WARS...ugh
Anyway...the situation embarrassed me badly and I was very unsure about how to deal with it. Then I realized, it's not my responsibility to deal with it. People's prejudice are THEIR problem, NOT MINE. She can believe what ever she wants to believe, but I'm not going to be dragged into some awful situation with a jealous wife because I was talking about Star Wars. "Please keep your games and your dirt to yourself, thank you."
Soooo
The point to all this is...
People's bad thoughts are their problem, not yours. People are going to think and feel what ever they want and there's nothing you can do or say in the attempt to convince them that will help. The only thing you CAN do is move on, don't worry about it, and let it pass over. It WILL pass over. After time people will start worrying about other scandals and situations that blow through...and the bad stuff will become forgotten.
Take heart...nothing, not even life, is permanent.
Posts: 1015 | Location: Atlanta, GA USA | Registered: 06-04-02
Dorie, I feel for you. I know what that's like, I've been there. I have a group of friends I hang around with and one of them is constantly arguing small and ridiculous points of views because he always has to be right. Perfectionists like this have this win-lose concept that if they miss one question they are a complete failure. They are unable to enjoy the success they do have and are never happy. Everyone has a right to their opinion. Just state yours and leave it at that. Don't feed into negative behavior, this won't help your group. You can't expect other people to change but you can change how you react to them. The key is actually reflection, not reaction. Ask yourself do you really want to react with anger? Is it worth the energy? Perhaps you are expecting too much from people. It's always great if people get along, but in real life, not everyone is going to agree 100% all the time. I doubt your entire group is sarcastic, undermining, and condescending. If it really is, then you don't belong there. Pray for the person you disagree with, and pray to be able to let go of old resentments. Resentments hurt us much more than the person we resent. You seem like a kind and caring person to me. Any group would be lucky to have you, I know this one is. God Bless you, and you have a friend here if you need to talk.
Dear Gatman, Katanya and JennX Thank you so much for your honesty, insight, kindness and encouragement. Sometimes experiences are painful to sift through. And I appreciate your courageous responses.
Gatman, you have a pretty good handle on the dynamics. Yes, I did ask for help from several people and was told, "I don't care to know." Still, somehow, the prejudice grew and there is a strong sense that I've been stereotyped as some sort of monster. In light of everyone's insightful input in this thread, I can stay with the group and see if it stops.
Katanya, thank you for sharing. I felt the same dread, reading your experience. Impostering and confusion. The hope you gave me, and yourself, really helped a lot. I'll take all your suggestions. Also, I can imagine the "head chop". Hold your head up. You just handed a life jacket to a human being, floundering in a sea of injustice.
JennX, thank you for your support and encouragement. What you said made perfect sense. I'll take all you said, too. And thank you for your offer to talk with you. If it's ok, I do need to talk about my feelings.
You are using a lot of symbolism in you post. I am not sure exactly what you are talking about. Is this a personal issue, work dynamics? It is difficult to answer your question without knowing what is going on. If I am following your post to some degree, this is my suggestion and thoughts on the subject.
There are many self centered, competitive jerks out there that seem to have a need to make others look bad so they somehow feel superior. This type of situation occurs at work frequently. The only advice that I can really give is that cool heads prevail. Repeat that little line over and over! It is so true. You know the game. Never ever play someone else's. When people start this type of behavior at work, I never respond. Give them some type of appropriate blow off. Maybe something like, "Sorry, but I really don't have time to go into this subject at the moment. We can discuss this matter privately later." You can use any other line that fits the situation you are in and breeze right past them. Don't show emotion or they tend to keep this sort of thing up. They will catch on that their tactics are no longer working.
Don't even bother with damage control. That one tends to play right into their hands as well. People that know and respect you will be on your side. It has worked well for me anyway. Don't get caught up in their petty little games.
It seems that you co-worker has a very jealous spouse. Unless you are clearly doing something wrong (like instigating an affair), it is an issue of trust or lack of it between them. You were completely deceived by this person you were talking to. Now, who is in the wrong here? Not you.
I would try my best to continue being a good person, which of course you are. (It doesn't hurt to hang around some folks who reinforce that, either.) You are what you are, and no one can destroy that with mere innuendo. Concentrate on the good things that happen to you and the good that you can do, and you'll have enough distraction to successfully avoid being reactionary (most of the time--you can't hope to be perfect all the time).
Keep a low profile where possible, but not at the cost of being yourself. You should never compromise that.
Try to remember that people see you the way you are. If you are a good person, it's visible, you just probably don't hear it as often as you should. If someone else is instigating, have faith that everyone sees them as such. Honestly, most of them probably do.
Posts: 3632 | Location: Washington, US | Registered: 06-03-02
