I think I'm seriously in love with a married man. He doesn't know how I feel about him, and I don't think he likes me as anything but a good friend. We have been close friends for 3 years now. But I really think I'm in love. It may sound silly, but I have never felt the same way around anyone as I do around him. Please Help!
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11-17-04, 05:45 PM
honilov
Well, you're sorta in a mess that only you can control or get yourself out of. You shouldn't act on your feelings by any means. Try to find someone that doesn't belong to someone else. I know we can't really control who we fall in love with, but in cases like yours, keep your feeling hidden from the married man. No need to make things more complicated by involving more people. Good luck, this could just be puppy love. Smile

11-17-04, 07:06 PM
jusork
How many other people have you had some kind of relationship with before? Are you usually around older men or is this guy one of the only ones that you personally know?

11-18-04, 03:02 AM
puppyblues
You NEED to find someone else to hang out with for awhile. He's not yours to love, he's married to someone else. You need to respect that, no matter what.

11-18-04, 07:30 AM
Sarah51
Thanks for the advice everyone.

puppyblues: I know I need to take a break from hanging out with him, but I work at the same place he does, and we are forced to work the same shifts sometimes. So that makes it a little hard to stay away from hanging out or talking to him.

jusork: I have had several relationships in the past, a couple more serious than others. I am around older men all the time. I am good friends with many men who are a few years older than me. I don't have feelings for all of them, only this certain man.

honilov: Thanks for the advice. I am looking for a relationship now to get my mind off of him. But I don't think it's puppy love.

11-18-04, 10:51 AM
puppyblues
I know this is going to sound harsh, but I have a vested interested in this subject.

DON'T BE SELFISH. DON'T BE THAT WOMAN! He's a married man. He has a wife (and family?). Please, respect that. If his marriage is in trouble and he eventually seperates or divorces, then pursue it, but let it fall apart on its own, don't help it along. Until that time, please...please, leave him alone. Let him be married. Let him be faithful and don't tempt him to stray. It would be one of the most selfish things you could do. He belongs to another.
So you work with him. Okay, I understand that. Just take a deep breath, go on and don't think about it so much. Try and think about something or someone else when you are working closely with him. It's not fair to him, his wife, his family, her family...or YOURSELF, to get in further with someone who is married. You really don't want to be the 'other woman', do you? It's probably a very lonely place to be.

11-22-04, 04:22 AM
tsaeb
Some sobering advice. . . .

Well, if he hits on you, then just think. If you replace his wife, ultimately he may hit on someone else and replace you, too.

Or, if you hit on him, he may reject you, and you know that being a rejection does not feel anywhere as giddy as being a fantasizer.

12-14-04, 12:27 PM
Oceangurl
I don't have one ounce of sympathy for anyone who would pursue a romantic relationship with a married person.

Should you choose to pursue him, realize that you'll eventually wind up getting what's coming to you.

Go find yourself your own man to love and stop considering other women's husbands fair game.

12-14-04, 06:46 PM
aminator2002
You are not in love.

You are infatuated and that is a fact. If he doesn't return your feelings and you've not entered into a relationship then you have no way to be "in love."

Get over it before you do damage to yourself and to him. Find a nice single guy and avoid serious heartache, embarrassment and the guilt of ruining a marriage.

Being in love is much more than what you are feeling so go find it in the right place.

12-21-04, 09:46 AM
MrsS
What you have here is not "love", it's a "crush" and a pretty major crush, at that.Crushes can be fun, if they don't get all icky and obsessive and they can be quite educational.
What are the qualities, real or imagined, that you admire in this guy? Examine why he appeals to you so much and you may come out of this with a better idea of what you want in a partner...or maybe, at this moment in your life, you simply do not want a relationship and that's why you've fixed your attention on someone who is not available....
Don't mess around with a married guy, you'll be the one who gets hurt. Just don't do it.Your reputation and self respect will suffer and you could put your job in jeopardy....just don't.
I wish you well.

12-21-04, 02:03 PM
DvdGStwrt
I am certain that you understand that he is married and the implications of dating him are. I also assume that you are fully aware that should you date him that even should he leave his present wife and family that having established this remarkable ability to leave one for another that that will haunt you and make you wonder when he will leave you.

Knowing all of that does not help with the feelings you have.

Your feelings are valid because they are your feelings. We understand that we can not act upon these feelings because to do so is just plain wrong.

We are helpless victims at the hands of love, attraction, the great mating dance of life. We can no more control who we love than we can control our heat beats. We can decide to act or not act on our feelings, we can not just shut those feelings off.

That is why we say "Fall in Love' because just like falling, you can't stop once you start - you are out of control of that act.

There will be a long period of aching need and trust me you will never love anyone quite the same - Sorry but each person we love we love in a different way, no two loves are the same. You may cry it out, you may sob and moan and be frustrated at the great calamity of life as it presents this unfair situation to you, after all how dare life cause you to fall in love with a man who is already taken? This is valid and is reasonable and no one will blame you if you hate the situation - Just be careful to not hate the people involved, for they, including yourself, are victims of this thing called love.

So don't try to seek a "replacement" lover because they will not replace that love - instead they will suffer the consequences of never fully measuring up to that love and you will fail to see them as a unique individual who deserves more than that.

Most likely this will be unrequited love, a terrible state of things when you love someone who can not or will not love you back. You will either get angry with them for their inability to return your love, or you could "stalk" them endlessly becoming jaded and frustrated, or you could elect to let them go and move on - these are choices that only you can make.

You may make within yourself a special "shrine" to the beloved, a place where you keep the "could have beens" and "ifs" and a few tender fond memories - we all carry within us a few of these - it is natural to do so. But one must be careful to not use that shrine to "could have been" to measure the "what may be" that comes along. You do not have to ever share that with anyone - it can be your secret place which you can visit when life has you down to give you a bit of joy - we all have one or two places which gives us joy when things get tough.

Sure, you may be embarrassed to talk with the man, you may feel that everything he says is loaded statements which are hints that he too has those same feelings for you. However as time wears on you will look back at those statements and see that they were innocent statements misread - fortunately time and distance adds clarity, thus my advise is to ignore the "loaded comments" and wait patiently for him to say point blank "I love you" before acting on anything he says in an emotional way.

If he does have those feelings for you, then he must make up his own mind and see that his position in life does not leave room for hints, instead he has to make clear his intent, for being married he would be viewed as an insincere flirt who could not really act on these loaded statements. Yet be aware that a man who can change his course in life readily once can do it again. Perhaps it is best to turn him down should he offer is honor, for the sake of your own sanity.

In the end you will do the right thing, even if it is the wrong thing. That is hard to explain, it is a matter of having lived long enough to understand that even those things which I did wrong were correct in that I learned important lessons which have molded and made me into a "better" person - and so it will be with you.

01-23-05, 06:55 PM
Wildflower63
I didn't read the other replies, so this may be a repeat. All that I can tell you is the fact that you are setting yourself and his family up, for a world of hurt.

It is an unfortunate fact that while in a marriage, during bad times, people do tend to look towards others, for what they feel are missing factors, psychologically speaking, in a relationship. We are all human and really that frail. We find the missing parts from another.

You are that, the missing factor of his marriage. I am going to warn you, not of anything of morality. The real warning is the fact that you are in a lose/lose situation.

What if this guy continues to stay with his wife? You hope for something more, a relationship he can't give you. He is already obligated to another.

What if this guy feels compelled by his love for you and leaves his wife? You can't win there either. He may or may not have kids to contend with. You take him, please don't think that, over time, he will not do the exact same thing to you, cheat.

I'm not going to give you some moral guilt factor. What I do have to say about it, is the fact that you can't win here. It hurts bad, but take the loss. You really have to move on, meaning many things, not just a relationship. Build your own independent life, always. Relationships can't rule your judgement, no matter how much it hurts. Do what is in your own best interest, give up on this.

I completely get this situation. Ship me an e-mail, if you want to talk to someone.

01-23-05, 07:18 PM
Wildflower63
I just gave the replies a skim read. As much as David knows how I hate posting behind him, he is right. Listen to his words and mine.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,