I don't want to have children. I have never wanted to have children. I decided in 5th grade when I was shown the movie "The Miracle of Life" that kids just weren't for me. As I've gotten older, I'm even MORE resolute in my wishes to not be a Mommy...
HOWEVER...
My fiancee's ex-wife got in a battle with her current husband's family. In retaliation, they called defax to investigate her, and of course they came knocking on her door 5 minutes after she had just finished smoking a joint.
**sigh**
So now there is the possibility that the 8 year old girl will be taken from her mother and placed in foster care until they can investigate US. (we live together, and have for a year and a half now.)
Should they find the ex-wife unfit, and us MORE fit, I....having spent SO much money, time, and effort making sure that I didn't become a mother, will have those plans washed out the door.
My fiancee is aware of my feelings on being a full-time parent. As it is, we've just had her every other weekend, which was ok. Despite how I feel about it I told him that he has to do what he has to do to make sure that his daughter is in the best possible environment for her. She comes first. She NEEDS to come first, because if he doesn't look out for her, who will? As a child I endured so many hardships when my mother married (over and over again) and I NEVER want to cause that kind of hardship for a child. I don't want to be the evil step parent. As much as I don't want to be a parent, I would rather her be with us than in a foster home....or in a home which is not healthy for her.
So now....I guess it's just a waiting game. And then??
My question is...how do I deal with this?
How do I not become resentful when my plans for my life become impeded on because of the added responsibility?
How can I accept this burden gladfully, as I should, instead of wanting to cry about it?
Posts: 1015 | Location: Atlanta, GA USA | Registered: 06-04-02
Having chatted with you at some length on the subject of your fiancé, his wife, and their daughter, I know that your misgivings are based on more that what you have revealed here. The dynamic between the three of them has caused problems for you in the past; so it is natural for you to be wary about the possibility of becoming a step-parent. This is just intensified by your long-held preference not to be a parent.
My advice to you, should his daughter become a permanent resident in your house, is to redefine everyone's roles and responsibilities. How his daughter is to comport herself, how your fiancé is to deal and relate to her, and what part you will play. Get the ground rules down at the start and make sure everyone sticks to them. This will be difficult as you are not beginning with a blank slate. But if you can get all to accept the idea that "That was then, this is now," and go from there, the situation may improve over time.
Good luck Kat. You're a great person.
juanruiz
Posts: 7732 | Location: On Vacation | Registered: 06-06-02
This is some kind of opportunity for you. But if you decide to take on this challenge, the outcome will likely be anything but what you can imagine. If I was the 8 year old girl, I would likely be pissed off that I'm not with my mom and who better to blame . . . than you! This is the reality, unless she is wise and mature beyond her years. If you only come from your own point of view and only focus on your own needs, plans, etc., I don't see this being a valuable thing to pursue.
If it comes to what you fear, you could try moving out for the time being, keep your relationship with him and let her establish a real place in his home - before you come back on the scene. Just a thought.
Funny how the things we avoid are sometimes the things we end up needing to experience on some level. Best wish
Posts: 112 | Location: Rocky Mountains, USA | Registered: 06-05-02
I have no desire to be a parent. The lady I have been dating has a 9 year old son. If I should marry her, I will also be marrying the son. If you marry the father, you will also marry the daughter.
I agree with Julia in part;
quote:If it comes to what you fear, you could try moving out for the time being, keep your relationship with him and let her establish a real place in his home
Posts: 1641 | Location: North Carolina, USA | Registered: 06-03-02
A great post by Julia. You have the maturity she does not. It will be up to you to establish the tenor of a relationship. How do you get along now? Does she know that a weekend is all she is welcome for? Some kids are oblivious and others are very sensitive to their surroundings.
Guess it will come down to two things. Do you love him enough? Can you give her a chance?
Maybe it is just one thing. She will be better off with her dad but will he be able to keep her if you break the relationship? That leaves the question as this. Do you consider your relationship more important than an eight year old having a decent home?
I don't mean to put a guilt trip on you. All I can tell you is that giving is a wonderful feeling. With a 15 year old girl I don't know whether to say that you have missed the best part or have the best part coming up. I think it depends on you. On your attitude.
Posts: 2216 | Location: central fl. | Registered: 06-03-02
I think that you may be looking only at the negatives (yes, there are many!) of having a child around being completely unaware of the good things that they can give your life, meaning. It's hard to put into words.
No one expects you to be perfect. You don't have to be her mother. She already has one. Remember things you enjoyed as a girl? Take her to the zoo and other fun things. Give the situation a chance. It is going to be rough on everyone at first, expect it.
If you feel that you are resentful of the situation of his daughter living with you full time, get out of the relationship. You wont be doing him or his daughter any favor by staying. He is going to be caught between a rock and a hard place trying to keep you both happy (or reasonably so). What child should be raised in a environment where they can sense they are not really welcome and wanted?
Give it a try. You might find having a child around a lot better than you ever thought.
Everyone, here, offered great suggestions and solutions. I have little to add. Just a small reminder that you do have choices. People may not agree with the choices you make, but if the situation becomes too difficult or confusing, you take care of you, k?
