...so I have to post this in here.

I have three relatives who did/do not have good relationships with their fathers. In both cases it was because the parents got divorced and the father began a new life; also in both cases the children feel it was their responsiblity to form the relationship (nevermind that they are the child and the father is the adult who would make promises to be there and never show up....)

Two of these people (my father -50- and my cousin -22-) have lost their fathers. They both feel guilty that they didn't some how magically fix the relationship even though their fathers had no interest in them.

The other, my sister in law -18- still has her father, and says things to me like "what is wrong with me that he doesn't love me".

What can I do?

dNYer,

you have started off in the right direction that atleast you listen to them(your sibs/friends). It is very nice of you to lend a shoulder to them to cry on. I really appreciate this!

Hmnnm......well, from what I've learnt as yet:

As far as your sis-in-law is concerned; I think she should directly go to her father and ask him that Question straight forward. Afterall, it is her right to do so_and there is no need to feel shy abt it!

Umnnm........I think your Dad and cuzzy should continue praying for the souls of thier DADs. I beleive in Life After Death; so, I suggest that they should pray for their fathers to be passed onto Heaven and may their souls rest in peace.

Sincerely,
Pin~Jinx/anarchist

It took me a while with my father. I am not a child of divorce. We were and are opposite sex and at different stages of life. I absolutely adore my father. Thinking about it, I changed, not him. I was the one who opened up communication. I know he has always cared about me. He just didn't know what to talk to me about. We now comfortably talk about all kinds of subjects and have a good relationship.

Maybe it is the way men relate. They do better with older or even adult children. Sometimes men just don't know how to communicate, so they don't. I don't see that as a valid excuse to act as if they don't have children though. I can also understand resentment on the child side of the equation as well. I think as men age, they have a lot of unsaid regrets about their children that they have not been there for. Age and maturity teaches them a lesson a little too late sometimes.

Thank you both for your help.

I will be home in a week and plan to talk to my sister in law about this then. She tried to talk to her father about it, and he kept interrupting her to tell her how great her half brother is. Subtle.

My father and I have been trying to talk about this too, up until I moved. (He's not much of a phone talker.) His father was a nice old man, but when he was younger he really just ignored his first family. For instance, my grandfather lived in Jamaica, Queens (NYC), and my dad lived in Altamont (about a 3 hour drive on a good day.) So one day when my dad was 19 he hitchhiked to his father's apartment. It took him like 7 hours. So he gets there, rings the bell, and his father yells through the door "Who is it?" My father goes "Your son, ______." My grandfather goes, "I don't have any kids." And wouldn't answer the door.

So my dad hitchhikes home and when he finally gets there, there's a message from my grandfather. He told my uncle (dad's older brother) to tell my father that he was too old for child support and not to come to his house again. My dad had gone down there to tell his father that he was getting married and that my mom was expecting the first grandchild.

So you can see the issues. My grandfather, as time went on, really liked us grandkids, but we still only saw him once a year. He didn't come up to live near us until he found out he was dying of cancer (he died less than a year after he moved.) He never missed a birthday card. But really, he didn't care all that much. He never spelled my name right. He didn't even know my older sister's full name, I don't think - only her nick name. He knew absolutely nothing about us and didn't really ever want to find out.

Oh well. Now I'm sad My dad is getting better - its been 4 years. My cousin - I hope she gets better. As far as I know she's engaged, so I imagine that will help We'll see.