If you were to find out a spouse had an affair. But happened a few years earlier. Would you let it be or should something be said? N2 *************************************************** 10-05-03, 10:29 PM MommyTimesTwo I would DEFINATELY say something. If only to let him know that I knew, so he wouldn't think "well she'll never find out, so I can do it again."
10-05-03, 10:36 PM Nadca2 Thanks. This is what I figure but how do I approach this. I am hurt that it happened, especially with someone I know. It was years ago but I am not thinking lots of people we know also knew and I just found out. I bet I looked like a big jack ass. N2
10-05-03, 11:08 PM Kelleygirl Don't be so hard on yourself, Nadca---you only look like a jack ass when you do something to merit it. Doesn't sound like you did anything except trust someone.
10-05-03, 11:38 PM honilov If you have definite proof that there was an affair, then by all means, say something.
10-06-03, 03:47 PM DvdGStwrt Before I would say anything I would think long and hard about it.
Yes, it is easy to assume that the person having the affair thinks "I got away with it so I can do it again."
I do not think that that is the usual case.
There are so many reasons why affairs take place, one can not be certain of the events that lead up to that affair. We can not be certain what was being felt, thought (or if any thought was even done).
Mentioning it now may very well cause some bad feelings, it may even be looked at as a present accusation, a personal attack or something along those lines.
If it was me I would do some serious soul searching first, deciding if what I have today is worth risking on the past.
If there is no evidence to suggest that this affair continues today, then we can safely assume that you 'won' his heart. That would mean to me that something is good in your relationship.
Depending on how I truly felt about the person, the circumstances of the present relationship and if I wanted to cause any rift at this date would be the determine factors of saying anything or not.
It is not a situation of losing face or being disrespected if you do not say anything. I doubt that there is a risk of his continued dalliances on the side if you say nothing either.
If you honestly feel that you need to talk about this with him, then do so - If there is any doubt within you, then do nothing at all. If you feel that the consequences of 'talking about it' far out weight the consequences of saying nothing, then do nothing.
No matter the choice you make, it will will be a good choice - if you are true to yourself. There may be consequences either way it goes - you must understand that and come to terms with that in yourself. If you can live with either option, then you are doing good.
David
10-06-03, 05:22 PM MommyTimesTwo If it were me, what I would honestly do is just sit him down and say "I know you had an affair with ______, I'm not sure how I feel about it right now, but I wanted to make sure you know I found out."
Then I'd try to get us both in marriage counseling, to sort out my feelings.
10-06-03, 06:57 PM puppyblues I'm definately with David on this. Be sure it's a can of worms you want to open up. Once it's open, there's no telling what can happen. If you think he's doing it again, I'd say something, but if not, well, think of all the pros and cons before you do. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
Good luck Smile
10-06-03, 07:36 PM honilov Puppy, you and David makes a point, depending on how you look at it, but if he was big and bad enough to put the worms in the can, she should be big and bad enough to open it. He never thought of the pros and cons, so why should she? I think she at least deserves an apology, and I think she'd feel better when it's all out in the open, and there's nothing else to hide. She is already hurting from just knowing about it, so why should she go it alone. Make him hurt too by opening up the can of worms. Roll Eyes
Just what I would do, if it was me. Smile
10-06-03, 08:48 PM puppyblues Well, I guess that I'm saying that 'if' it's over and done with, he's not done it again...then why bring it up now? If he's been faithful to her since then, he obviously knows he made a bad decision, so I'm not sure bringing it into the marriage at this point is a very good idea.
You'd have to be prepared for anything, even losing him. It could come to that. To rehash all that out with him will bring unwanted feelings to both of them. If she can work it out with a counselor, I'd do that first. But like I said, if she weighs the pros and the cons and still needs to say something, by all means, it's her right. She was the one, afterall, that was cheated on. I just wanted her to be aware that even though it was a long time ago, bringing it all up now could have very serious consequences to her marriage. Smile
10-06-03, 08:51 PM Nadca2 Thank you all so much. I do not know what I am going to do at this point for sure. If the right moment comes up it will be brought I am sure. But you all gave me some great advice. I could not confide in any friends. Except you guys. I am forever in your debt.. N2 I also should have mentioned it is only a common law relationship. 10 years. No chance for marriage because he doesn't want to get married. N2
10-06-03, 10:51 PM puppyblues I hope everything goes well for you, Nadca. Please let us know how you are getting along. Smile
10-08-03, 02:50 PM clarebear I think you need to get an AIDS test. If he fooled around with her who knows WHO he has been with? He did get away with it at least once that you know of for sure. And what was his consequence? Nothing. He put you in danger. What if he gave you a disease? I wouldn't trust the guy. Sorry but once that trust is gone, there isn't much left. I would have to seriously evaluate my relationship. You say you aren't married because he doesn't want to be married. I'm guessing you pay half the bills, he gets sex and the comforts of marriage, he can sleep around and you just tolerate it. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I just think you deserve better for yourself. I agree with Kelleygirl, all you did is trust someone. It isn't your fault. I've been there and done that. You only live once. Make the best of it. A comfort zone isn't always comfortable. Good Luck to you. Smile
10-08-03, 04:12 PM Georgia85 While I can appreciate David's and Puppy's opinion I must differ from it. This is not a matter to be taken lightly. So what if it was in the past? What is important is that faith, trust, and committment were broken. What lead up to that? Can it happen again?
Nadca, if you don't ask about this it will only eat you up inside like a slow growing disease and over time you will be filled with more bitterness and resentment. I think ultimately it will be better to get it out in the open. And if by opening this "can of worms" so to speak it leads to the ending of this relationship then you have to wonder if you would really want to be this man afterall.
And Clare does make a valid point. Please get checked for HIV. This virus can lie dormant in the blood for up to 6 years. If nothing else, having this test done should help to set your mind at ease.
Best of luck to you.
10-08-03, 09:06 PM Nadca2 Well man I didn't even think of the HIV thing. N2
10-09-03, 08:10 AM Georgia85 My intention was not to "scare" you and I'm sure neither was Clare's. But that's what is so great about the people here at AP. Often times they can provide additional information that you might never have considered.
So being tested is something you might seriously want to consider. You can do it anonymously through a health department, or if you have insurance you can have this taken care of at any physician's office. And you should request that your partner be tested as well.
Be brave!
10-09-03, 08:44 AM clarebear There are also sexually transmitted infections. [Chlamydia] [Gonorrhea] [Syphilis] [HPV and Genital Warts] [Herpes] [AIDS and HIV] [Hepatitis B] [Crabs or Pubic Lice, and Scabies] [Trichomoniasis] [Vaginal Infections and Yeast]
I am not trying to scare you. You just need to protect yourself and be informed. Many times there are no symptoms at all.
Call and make an appointment today. I also recommend a pap smear. Tell your doctor the situation. Smile
You probably do not have anything but it is still better to be safe than sorry.
I took the HIV test... it wasn't so bad. (took only 5 minutes) I got the results 2 weeks later. It really eased my mind to know I was ok. Smile
10-09-03, 08:57 AM Lydia I would definitely need to say something. If I didn't speak what was on my mind and in my heart, it would always eat at me. I think that by my bottling it up, it would only make it worse when I did bring it up.
I am also of the opinion that if someone is a cheat - they will do it again. Whatever happened that caused him to cheat, it could happen again - then what? You looked the other way once, will you continue to do so?
Issues left unresolved are like a disease...untreated, it will NOT get better. Discuss it - if you are happy with things now, then all the power to you, but don't sweep it under the carpet because it's unpleasant.
"Hurt me once...shame on you; Hurt me twice...shame on me!"
10-09-03, 09:28 AM NCcichlid It appears that this thread is leaning toward the direction of saying something to the common law spouse.
Before anything is said, Nadca should determine what her plan of action is. If he denies it, is she going to leave him or forgive him? If he admits to the affair, is she going to leave him or forgive him? If she is leaving regardless of the results of the conversation, then my suggestion is to not even bring the subject up. Get ready to leave. If she is staying whether he admits to it or not, then don't even bring the subject up.
There are other scenarios. Please plan out all possibilities to his reaction and know which way you want to go.
10-09-03, 10:45 AM clarebear I don't think she needs to make those decisions right now. The main thing is to check to make sure she is ok. Her health is most important. Smile
Deciding what to do isn't an easy decision. NC is right, you will need a plan of action. It is never cut and dry. There is free counceling at the health department. It will be good to talk to someone there. Whether you decide to go or stay, just know we are here to support you along the way. Good Luck to You.
10-09-03, 11:30 AM Lydia I hadn't initially taken a look at your profile to see if your age was there...and I had not realized that you're not married to the man...
At the risk of sounding a bit harsh - I think you need to ask yourself why (at 31) you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't love you enough to marry you and doesn't respect you enough to be faithful to you...
10-09-03, 12:06 PM
Georgia85 Thanks Lydia for saying something I wanted to say Smile
And Common Law marriages are not recognized everywhere either. As my mother has pounded into my brain countless times...until there is a ring on his finger he is a "free agent"
Still hurts tho, knowing that a man would "cheat" on you.
10-09-03, 08:43 PM Nadca2 Lydia funny you should say that. I have been thinking quite hard about my situation lately and am not sure where or what I want to do. I have been in this relationship for quite some time. I was still a child (19)when we started dating and there is quite an age gap more than 15 years. I always said I didn't want a child or since I was with him. But lately I have been thinking maybe I do. Just being with him there is no option of this. Both my heart and mind are confused these days. I think I am too scared to leave because I live a very comfortable lifestyle and have not had to be independant for a ling time. I have also not had to pay any rent etc this entire time I have been living with him. It seems to appear that some where along the line I became dependant. I think I am going to start saving some money here and when I have a definate decision if I decide to leave I know I will be able to do so. Georgia don't belive it would really make a difference law wise I think I would be able to take what I own and that is all. Actually unless it was a mutual decision then he stated in an earlier discussion after a fight that he would help me get set up but that was then. N2
10-10-03, 08:26 AM Georgia85 You know, I have never understood why the prospect of being independent scares so many women. Personally I would be more scared being totally dependent on someone for a roof over my head. clothes on my back, and food in my stomache.
Nadca, can I just say there is a sense of reward and fullfillment that comes from being able to take care of yourself. Sometimes you have to work hard and learn the value of a dollar but how great it is to know at the end of the day you can provide your own house, car, and other necessities. And it is never too late to start living an independent life. And being independent does not mean you have to never know a loving relationship. It just means that you are an equal contributor who can take care of yourself should you ever find yourself out in the cold so to speak.
If you decide to try this I will be more than glad to offer suggestions. Best Wishes Smile
10-11-03, 12:41 AM Nadca2 Georgia. I was at one point very independent. But I was also young getting into this relationship. 19 years old. I am now 30 turning 31 I do not know what it is like out there any longer. It is very scary to imagine having only me to rely on. I still love this person but just don't look into his eyes and imagine the same things as I did 2 months ago. I don't know if anyone has been like this. I have been truly upset lately and don't know what to do. Sad part is he is never around or awake to see how sad I have been. Too scare I can't make it alone... And man Georgia and Lydia you guys know how to get one truly emotional. N2 I know you speak the truth...
10-11-03, 10:04 AM Lydia Awwwww N2 - my intent was certainly not to make you emotional. You are STILL so young and have SO much of your life still ahead of you. What I was trying to do was just to have you open your eyes and see what you were saying...to really give some thought to what you are willing to accept. Nobody can make that choice for you, but if you look at what you are saying, it's pretty apparent that you know what you need to do - now you just need to figure out how to do it. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders - there's nothing you can't do if you set your mind to it!! Good luck!!!!! Lydia
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