I love my older sister, but we don't really know each other that well nor are we particularly close.

The thing is, my sister gives the world's crappiest gifts. First she asks for months ahead of time, over and over, what you want. Then she sends: clothes that are many sizes too big, gift certificates for stores we don't have up here, etc... . I would much rather her not go to the trouble at all, as I think you should only give someone a gift when a) you really want to (not because its Christmas and its a relative) and b) when you think its something they'd really like (not, well its better than nothing.)

This year she gave me for my birthday a ring that looks like its from a Cracker Jack box (and is a size too big), and for Christmas a book that she also gave me last year.

Its not at all that I'm expecting these big showy expensive gifts, its that its obvious she is only buying something because "its Christmas" (not that we aren't friends, but I hope you get what I mean) and that she has virtually no idea even what size clothes I wear, let alone what I'd like (though I will credit my mother for reminding her that I collect picture frames, as I did get two from her also).

Is there any polite, nice, non-offensive way to let her know she does not have to buy me stuff for holidays? I've tried the direct approach--"You really don't have to get me anything. Really." and it didn't work. She tends to be emotional and I don't want to hurt her feelings--I'd rather just save her money and save myself from guiltfully keeping stuff that doesn't fit and I don't want for years on end in case she asks where it is.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

FWIW--I do get her gifts, and so far as I know she likes them. I do not give clothing or books For example, this year I got her a carved jewelry box from Russia.
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12-25-03, 10:48 PM
Sherasi
Why not just ask her to make a donation to a Charity in your name? If you want to, you can even choose the charity for her that you would want her to donate to.

12-25-03, 10:54 PM
MommyTimesTwo
That's a good idea. I can try that. In fact, if I had to choose one it would be Hospice, where she works.

The only thing is, how can I explain to her and everyone else why SHE'S the only one I want to do that? Or do I have to give up gifts from my mom, too, even though her gifts rock? Wink
12-25-03, 11:01 PM
Tree
Mommyx2 - my sister and I have lived thousands of miles apart for many years.

I lived in a place where I didn't have the extensive shopping like she did, so each year, she sent me a gift and I sent her a cheque.

Finally, I said how silly that was - in actual fact, I was buying my own gift. We both agreed that it was futile and have never sent eachother gifts after that.

Wink

12-25-03, 11:04 PM
Cyndiluwho_99
My sister and I stopped exchanging gifts years ago. I doubt we could please each other if we tried.

I think the charity idea is good...and I should think you could let your mom in on the reason why you're doing it.

12-25-03, 11:10 PM
Tree
Hmmm.. see what I mean? Just donate to your own charity then! LOLOL!! Smile

12-25-03, 11:17 PM
Yelena
You should keep getting the presents and sell them on EBAY. One mans trash is anothers treasure!

Sorry, lame, it was the first think that came to mind. Roll Eyes But yah I think shers idea is great.

12-25-03, 11:34 PM
MommyTimesTwo
I don't think the problem is the shopping or anything, because we have no shopping AT ALL up here but I still get pretty good stuff, if I say so myself. Its just, she's clueless. Its not just me--its gift giving in general. She must get it from our Dad, who just tells our Mom to go get herself a birthday present Wink

(It's not the distance either--she's done this since we were kids! I still remember the year I turned 8 she gave me the Clan of the Cave Bear!)

This may sound totally selfish, and probably is, but I don't want to tell her to donate to a charity, because EVERYONE would then donate to a charity, thinking its what I want, and darn it I like birthday and Christmas presents Wink

I'll have to think about it some more, I guess--which is more important--oh heck I know its the charity Frown Wink

12-25-03, 11:43 PM
Sherasi
Then my suggestion is this, say you your sister "I REALLY NEED "Thus and such" this year...... PLEASE GET ME THIS.... in this (size/color/shape)."

12-26-03, 06:03 AM
NCcichlid
Why not just be a gracious gift reciever and send her a thank you note?

You could certainly find someone to wear the clothes that don't fit, a library that would accept the books you don't care to read, and if she is really that absent minded (to send you the same gift two years running) then next year regift her present and send it back.

12-26-03, 10:31 AM
MommyTimesTwo
Sher--I tried that, I told her I didn't want anything, it didn't work.

Fishy--I am gracious. She has no idea that her presents don't fit or that she has sent me the same gift two years running.

I'd really rather she just not send anything. Is it ungracious to want to save someone else money?

12-26-03, 03:37 PM
kittypal
I feel the same way, I love to give gifts when it's unexpected, because I seen something that I know the person would like and it's says I thought of you even though it's not a gift giving time. This year is the first year that my sister-in-law and brother and I didn't exchange gifts. I just was honest (somewhat Wink) and said why don't we save each other the trouble of figuring out what to buy, the long lines, etc...and just get ourselves something we want. No one was offended and none of us ended up with a gift we didn't want or wasting money on a gift that was unwanted.

12-26-03, 08:56 PM
twinhearts
I say it's the thought that counts. I understand that you don't want her to waste her money on something that you can't use or don't need but sometimes we just have to let things go. If telling her what you want doesn't work or telling her not to buy you anything doesn't work either, then maybe you just have to accept that that's how it is going to be. It's either that or tell her right out that you don't care for the types of gifts she is getting you. Since that would hurt her feelings, you are probably just stuck with what she gets.

Twinhearts

12-27-03, 04:23 PM
honilov
MTT, I think you should accept the gifts with gratitude because she could be feeling the same way about the gifts that you give her. She might not want to hurt your feelings either. You can just give them to charity. That's what I do when I get gifts that I don't want or need. I'd never hurt a person's feelings about an unwanted gift.

01-09-04, 05:41 AM
clarebear
You are saying you would rather have nothing than something with no thought put into it. If you think about the gifts she gave you, she did put thought into them. Just her thought. She loves you too and probably doesn't know you that well either. She asks you for ideas because she second guesses herself.

What was she thinking you ask:

"Hmm... I can't think of what size she wears, this might fit"

"Hmm... what a pretty ring, I'm not sure the size but it will fit one of her fingers, its her favorite color"

"Hmm... I know she loves to read, now did I get her this book last year, I don't remember and I can't ask cause she will know what I'm getting her"

"Hmm... a gift certificate, that's it! she can pick out what she wants, I'm sure there is one of these stores there, they are everywhere!"


Don't be so hard on your sister. She is taking the time to buy a gift, stand in long line at the post office and ship it to you. (which isn't an easy thing to do at the holidays) She probably has the best feeling when she is sending it to you. She knows you live far away and it is always fun to get gifts in the mail. I agree with the others. It is the thought that counts. Why don't you try getting to know her a little better. Start sending letters and cards throughout the year to start to build your relationship with her. Call her on the phone or send emails. It is never too late to start. I sure wish I had a sister to send me gifts. You could always suggest exchanging christmas ornaments from now on. It is the gift that always fits. Smile

01-09-04, 10:42 AM
LVLF
Gift giving and gift receiving can be very stressful, because, as pointed out, it's not the gift so much as it is the thought that goes into it, or lack of thought.
I know I have been both victim and culprit of the bad gift idea. Big Grin
My poor parents have received some of the WORST gifts ever from me when I was a child. I remember the time I bought my dad a kit for rolling his own cigarettes. What a hit that was...about 15 years later when holiday time would roll around and We'd all sit around telling funny stories from childhood.
But, bad gifts from children are expected, and graciousness from the recipient is expected when the gifts are given by a child.
But as adults, that changes.
You can try a very direct approach. Tell her that you want to exchange 'wish lists' each year. The wish lists should be very specific. If it's clothing, specify size, color, style, brand, etc. leave out no details, If you want a gift cert. be very specific for which stores.
If it's a book, give her the title and author.
You can have several things on your list from her to choose from, that way it will still be a surprise, and the same goes for her list.

My mom went so far as to clip out ads from papers and magazines and tape them all over the kitchen. It worked great!
Anyway, even though you and your sister aren't that close, this could be one way to get to know each other a little better. I know you are worried that her feelings might be hurt, but life is full of hurt feelings, it can't always be avoided, but how you handle it from that point on is what matters. opening the lines of communication a little deeper might be a gift in itself.

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