Hey how's it going. I'm new here. Ok I'm not a teen but i seem to see other adults posting stuff here it think. i'm 23 and married but i am attracted to my wife's cousin. i can't stop thinking about her. i think (big emphasis on think) she might be attracted to me too but have no way of being sure anyway i don't want to mess up my marriage but i need to get this cleared up or it is going to drive me nuts. any help or advice that anyone can give would be helpful and i will elaborate if necessary ***************************************************** 07-15-04, 10:25 PM jusork I'd just flat out tell your wife's cousin your feelings. Just open your feelings to her and emphasize that you're not sure what it means; that you just want to find out, probably no big deal(?). That you just want to know what she's feeling and if she's feeling anything like you are. Express your feelings clearly, don't make it obscure or anything. Is she married or dating? If the issue is just wanting to know if there's a relationship between the two of you, I think it sounds pretty simple. Do you want it to be more? I'd make sure with yourself above all else that this isn't just "a thing".
07-16-04, 12:31 AM Sarai I would NOT tell your wife's cousin your feelings!!! Jusork's advice would be great if you were a teenager attracted to his girlfriend's cousin, but you aren't a teenager and you took a vow that you need to take a heck of a lot more seriously than a teenager takes dating a girl. Jusork's advice is for people who are still on the market. You are not there anymore.
Telling her would likely be a very fast route to serious marital problems, since she would probably feel obligated to tell her cousin that her husband has a wandering eye. Even if your cousin is not close enough with your wife to feel obligated to tell her, your relationship with her will always be awkward and marred by this problem if you tell her your feelings.
On the off chance that she is attracted to you (very off chance, because even if she feels something, most women are more loyal to their family than to a fleeting attraction), you would have an awful future with her, because most of her family would likely hate the both of you for what you did to your wife. Plus, if your wandering eye can end one marriage, why wouldn't it end two?
You say you don't want to "mess up your marriage". The only way not to mess it up is to get over the attraction. You cannot have a happy marriage and be in love with your wife's cousin at the same time. Being attracted to someone is natural, but nursing it when you are married is unfair to your wife, to the cousin, and to yourself. If you can't get over it by sheer will power, you need to either find a way to lower the amount of time you see the cousin significantly enough to get over her, or if that isn't possible... see a counselor.
Marriage is not about being with one person until you find someone better. It is about being with one person for the rest of your life, and part of that deal involves self control. You need to learn it sooner rather than later, or else you are in for a rocky future.
Don't mention this to your wife, to her cousin, or to anyone else in your wife's family. Deal with this one on your own. Above all, your loyalty should be to your wife.
Now after that harsh message... welcome to Answerpool! Smile
07-16-04, 09:33 AM jusork Ah. I just said that thinking he just wanted to find out and that's all. If he wanted it to be more, I wouldn't have said it like that. I don't know what I would have said. That's a tough one. So the reason not to do tell her is because the word might get to his wife, right? Ok, thanks for the correction.
07-16-04, 10:07 AM DvdGStwrt You are married, yes?
That is until Death Do Us part.
Knowing yes or no will be useless knowledge, you can't work on it you are married, until death do us part. Having knowledge that Cousin likes you will not help your marriage. Knowing she Doesn't like you won't help you.
Indeed as a question it is rhetoric which doesn't need a real answer and getting an answer may lead to harm to you, to her, to your wife, someone will get hurt no matter the answer.
Most likely the knowledge will hurt YOU either way it falls.
David
07-16-04, 10:18 AM babthrower (Sigh!)
Altrockguy, you sound like a basically nice, albeit incredibly naive, guy. Know this: this will happen to you again and again during your married life, brief though that may be, by the sound of things.
Yes, it is a fact. Married people lust and obsess about persons not their mate. The ones who talk about it and the ones who act out are the ones who either don't stay married, or, if they stay married, are unhappily married. Also, they may become married multiple times, because they don't change their behavior.
The ones who remain married are the ones who shut up about their obsession, and don't act out on it.
Got it?
P.S. And no, they don't go nuts from repression. What happens is, that obsession wanes, just as it would in time if they had acted out on it, and they become obsessed with someone else.
07-16-04, 10:22 PM honilov Since you seem to be so attracted to your wife's cousin, I was wondering, are you still attracted to your wife? If you still are, you shouldn't get lust mixed up with love. In the end, you'll find that there's a big difference between the two.
Forget about the cousin because you are a married man. That's the best advice I can give you.
07-16-04, 11:04 PM altrockguy Thank you for all the great advice. I appriciate all that you all have contributed.
altrockguy
07-17-04, 08:00 PM frankvan Altrock, you can take what babthrower advises to the bank. In 60 years of marriage I have been attractedto hundreds of women, some related, etc. Hey, how many attractive people are there in this world ? Why would it be otherwise? But you are mistaken when you say, "I can't stop thinking about her --". Of course you can. Not by sheer will-power, which most of us lack anyway, but the way you stop thinking about anything - by thinking about something else. I might suggest thinking about how many other men your wife might possibly find attractive - for instance. Good luck. Wink
07-18-04, 09:06 PM gerry You may have married too early. Don't feel bad, most people do. It's one thing to be attracted to Jennifer Lopez or Mariah Carey or that cute babe on the beach. It's another to be attracted to someone whom you can't get off your mind. You must ask yourself the following question: Is my wife the ONE person I want to share the rest of my life with? If the answer is "No" or 'I'm not sure", then you're either going to have to work your butt off to save your marriage, or separate from her, hopefully there are no children involved. Then forget about your wife's cousin also, that marriage will be doomed from the start. Get your life together first before making decisions that must last a lifetime.
07-23-04, 03:36 PM Elexina If you love your wife and want to be with her for as long as you do love each other, and you don't -as you said- want to "mess up your marriage" then you should do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Avoid contact with the cousin if you have to, but don't jeopardize your marriage for a fling. There is nothing wrong with finding other women attractive even while in a happy monogamous relationship. We are all human, after all. What would be wrong is acting on such an attraction. You are committed to your wife and she to you. Don't fool with that. If you are seriously considering an affair, you should seriously consider ending your marriage first.
12-10-06, 10:03 PM twinkiebear8 Don't tell your wife's cousin... if you are going to tell anybody tell your wife.... it's natural to be attracted to other people... and it's fine as long as you aren't acting upon those feelings...
12-11-06, 08:18 AM Elexina I wonder whatever happened with this guy...
12-11-06, 08:51 AM MrsS Since we have not seen him in over 2 years, I'm guessing either he worked it out or else the wife saw this and banished him.
12-12-06, 07:46 AM Elexina Good guesses. Big Grin
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