I was at my best friends house Friday doing the usual, ya know drinking, smoking a lil bit. Anyway, after my buddy passes out, it was just myself and his wife awake. We both went outside and had a cigarette. We were talking for a lengthy amount of time.
She gets on top of me while I was in the chair and was like "You're making me so hot." and whatever. I pushed her off and told her no because of the obvious reasons. This is not the first time this has happened. It happened 3 other times. Especially after I had relations with her best friend.
I'm debating on where I should go from here. Do I tell my friend who's like a brother to me, or do I just continously ignore this and keep it to myself. Whatever you people can offer for advice would be great. I cannot go to my other friends for this because rumors would start to go around.

You know what you have to do. You have to exercise enough self-control that you can recognize the point at which you must leave their company.

- Before he passes out
- Before you become incapacitated yourself
- before her and your inhibitions are lowered.

Then you won't need to tell him because you will be protecting your friendship with him by your own self-control and good behavior.

Mind you, if you have real evidence that she does this sort of things with other guys, you might want to reconsider telling him. But if it's just with you, you can control the outcome.

Don't betray your friend. You'll hate yourself for it.

I agree with Babs, Ron. When you can't control the situation (what she does), then control your location. Leave before you are put in that situation.

Here we are years down the road catering to Ron's Addictions and Alcohlism and of course the occasional addict/alcoholic buddy.

Anyone else tired of these sorts of dramas?

Sorry if I'm not compassionate Ron, but seriously dude this kind of stuff has been going on for a few years and its always with drinking and 'a little smoke' or some heavy drugs.

You need a program of recovery. So I suggest you go to a meeting.

Seriously stop the drinking and the drugging, get away from the drinkers and the drug users and life will change in ways you can't imagine - and these sorts of things will not take place.

Great answer David .You put some distance from these temptations for say a month Make excuses
And see if things Improve slightly then when you think that time period is up make a note promise to yourself to continue and OK it is Very difficult at first but they will work
At the simple level Do plan to do something
different such as Go into town window shopping It works for me (especially out of my own town) And You don't really get the urge to buy a 6 pack nor smoke as they are nearly all smokefree zones now

Do it 1 day at a time for a week or 2 then build it up into a routine .... Bonus is you will have Money in your pocket at the end of the day .Getting Blotto and Blowing smoke rings does Nothing for your image when you are old.And its Not Cool...Get to 50 ? And You could be on Oxygen (for breathing Problems) or have Liver disease ....When you are in your 20's/30's you'll laugh it off but It is Better than a 60 /40 chance that some issue like this will kick in (@ 60 better than a 75-25 chance)
Set a few goals money and Health wise and you'll out live your friends perhaps your Dad & Mom?

Do you know what or who is the Worst advice

Those people on Motivation Courses/Workshops/selection tests Have been on a few, and I learned nothing /passed none!

I was bored out of my skull and even dozed off
the Tests were pointless getting people from A to B using a plank of wood 3 kitchen chairs
And all the people were strangers to me(in that room)
In real life I do have to make Logistics Decisions and sorting things and people out but it take me perhaps 5 minutes to come up with a workable solution.
Meanwhile back at the Test almost an hour later Almost everybodies sitting down all racking their brains and getting Nowhere (Others have walked off or dozing in the corner)

And the Talk Circles are totally like "interesting" 10 minutes then you forget the Rest, start daydreaming or nod off (like I did)

thanks for the advice you guys. Believe me no matter how drunk I am, I would never ever put my hands on another persons wife or girlfriend. Even if I barely knew the guy or not. I don't like cheaters.

DVDgstwrt, while I understand where you're coming from, I don't drink on a constant basis anymore, barely ever smoke pot. If I drink at all it is only on the weekends. I no longer consider alcohol a problem like it used to be for me.
I just figure I work hard all week, 12 to 16 hours a day. The weekends are mine to relax.

But anyway thanks for the advice.

Well why don't you tell her that? You don't have to accuse her of being a cheater. You could say, "Since your husband is a friend of mine I would never cheat on him."

If she argues, saying he need never know, just say "Well, I would know."

But do that at a time when both you and she are clear-headed.

quote:

Originally posted by SeattleRon:
thanks for the advice you guys. Believe me no matter how drunk I am, I would never ever put my hands on another persons wife or girlfriend. Even if I barely knew the guy or not. I don't like cheaters.

DVDgstwrt, while I understand where you're coming from, I don't drink on a constant basis anymore, barely ever smoke pot. If I drink at all it is only on the weekends. I no longer consider alcohol a problem like it used to be for me.
I just figure I work hard all week, 12 to 16 hours a day. The weekends are mine to relax.

But anyway thanks for the advice.

Oh well then I should use a little crank on weekends since they are mine to do with as I please.

Ron go back to your OP - there was drink involved - her drinking, his drinking our drinking.

I don't care if it was 'just a little' it lead to people doing things that I doubt they would do when sober.

Like passing out, like climbing in the lap of the friend - lie sitting there letting your friend's mate doing a lap dance.

This problem would not exist if you were not drinking with drinkers - you would not have been there, not have been placed in this position.

Your 'occasional party' is still leading you into problems - thus it is a problem.

You don’t need advice. You know you need to step away from that situation. As babthrower said, leave the situation before the opportunity for alcohol-induced familiarity arises. If she continues to press the point, tell her in no uncertain terms to back off or you will have to talk to your friend about it. If she doesn’t back off, you back off. Make your excuses and stay away.

David has a point about the substance use, Darlin' (And David, I'm very happy to see you active here again)

It took me a little while to learn again how to have a good time straight, but I have found that it's as much fun to party with a clear head and even more fun the next day when I can remember it all, still have money in my wallet and don't owe anyone any apologies or explanations

As for this girl- First and foremost- put distance between the two of you, figuratively and literally- Don't hug her when she greets you, if she tries to perch herself in your space, stand up and move away, do not engage her in ANY discussion more personal than the weather and whenever possible, engage others in any conversation you DO have with her.
And, you CAN talk to your friend. No need to give him details, but you can certainly tell him that his girl is just friendlier than maybe she should be and you think it might be giving people the wrong idea.

I've re-thought my advice that you speak to your friend if you find she comes on to other guys. It's the Joseph-Potiphar's wife situation.

If you tell him and he tells her, she might say it was YOU coming on to HER, just to get out of trouble. We already see that her personal ethics aren't too great, so she quite likely lies her way out of a jam.

Maybe hang out with other friends for a while, let the situation cool down. And while you're at it, hang out with friends whose social life in not all tied up with booze and 'smokes'.

When your friend and his wife ask about it, just say you're trying to slow down on the drugs and booze, so you'll be spending time with people who have ALREADY slowed down. Tell them it's nothing personal, just working on your own lifestyle.

Hey, that ties in with Dvd and Shana's excellent advice too! Might really work for you!

Otherwise looks like you're headed for a trainwreck.

DvdGstrwt. I've always admired you and your advice. I have to tell ya, I don't think I will ever completely stop drinking. I don't know if the people at A.P. know, but I did just do 60 days in jail and another 22 days do finish my legal problems up.
The whole time I was in the can, I was thinking of nothing but bettering myself. I think I have. Sure alcohol can be the cause of many problems, only if you let it.
I'm not gonna sit here and say yeah I'm never going to consume alcohol again. Thats an outright lie. I have learned how to control myself a whole hell of a lot.

What I did to solve the problem, I took a little bit of everyones advice. This past Tuesday, I asked her to lunch at a very public place. We sat down and had a meal, we talked a lot. I told her that it would never happen.
You were probably too drunk, got a lil too smokey, but this has happened on several occasions. I can't have this happen anymore, drunk or sober. I'm gonna keep this to myself because you two are very good friends.
The next time it happens I'm gonna have to say something to your husband.



Also the thing you said babthrower, about hanging out with friends who aren't all tied up with booze and smokes. The people I know that aren't like that, I feel dumb hanging around them. They go to poetry clubs, classy things, ya know smart people stuff. While I do watch Jeopardy every night, I don't want to feel like I'm on to be an Encyclopedia Britannica 24/7.

I've never felt comfortable or being myself around bookworms. Except for when I go to Answerpool. I do have a few smart friends who stay completely away from alcohol, but I get bored. It's just not my scene. I feel more comfortable around blue collar budweiser drinking bbq'ing cheeseburger people.

It's very difficult to change a lifestyle after years of living it, but I have. Significantly..

quote:

It's very difficult to change a lifestyle after years of living it, but I have. Significantly.

There you go! You're getting smarter already!

By the way, not all of us who avoid boozers and substance abusers are bookworms or smart-alecs. Your I.Q. doesn't shoot up into the stratosphere the minute you get clean and sober. This is a myth. So don't fear it.

You may find yourself spending time with people who like to get outdoors. But they don't drive a 4x4 into the desert and get drunk there and shoot at any wildlife they see and make a lot of noise. They're more likely to hike in, cook a little food over a campfire, fish a little, look at the stars at night and use a star map to find the names of the interesting ones, then hike out carrying their garbage out with them.

No hangover!

One day at a time. Not for me. A day? I found that I could just manage the next minute sober, and worked from there It's surprising how those minutes mount up into days, weeks, months and years, if you take them one at a time.

Sorry to hear you went on a little County Sponsored Vacation, but glad to hear that you spent the time thinking, apparently about how you will NOT go on another such hiatus

Ron, here's the current story with me- I gave up the drugs altogether a long time ago- the first year and a half was spent completely clean and sober, getting back to a more centered place, figuring out how to go on from there- Egghead that I am, I prefer bars to poetry readings, and I adore my friends just as they are, so I had to find some balance.

These days, I have a few drinks (2 to 3) when spirit moves me, a couple of times a year I appoint a designated driver and tie one on, but no controlled substances- ever- for me, it's just too dangerous. I've got this really cool little life going and I am totally unwilling to do anything that might f* that up.
I still hit the bars a few times a month, play pool, put too much money in the juke box and generally have a damn good time, I just do it while mostly drinking coke or tonic with only ice added.... most nights out, I don't drink at all.

If you can manage to play hard and not screw things up, good for you, but if it's involving jail sentences and potential trouble in friendships you value, you really need to think about whether 5 or 6 drinks, or passin' the pipe around is more fun than nusring a drink or two and remaining in full control of your actions.

Well I might as well tell you guys the whole story. I was on my way to some kind of religious thing with some of my Christian neighbors, and they got pulled over. It was a charity event for the church. Anyway, the cop was talking about expired tabs or something I can't remember.
He asked for I.D's. I still had my Boeing badge on around my neck because I didn't have time to change.
Cop asked to see it, I gave it to him, then he asked me to step out. He looked through my wallet and found my Connecticut drivers license
that said Roland Theodore Burke on it.
He ran things through the computer Sheriffs started showing up. Things got embarassing, they took everyone out of the car.

Anyway I got arrested on some old ass warrants I thought I escaped. You know what was funny about the whole thing, all my so called friends never visited, except for the Christian neighbors who I embarassed. They visited twice a week, the whole family kids and all.
The nicest damn people I ever met in my life. All my other friends, they only put money in my books, I'd rather have a visit than money.
When you're down on your luck like that A visit means a lot, they visited me, put money in my books, wrote me letters, even sent a Catholic priest, my own religion....
My friends did crap. I'm sorry I'm just rambling.
You know what pissed me off the most. One of my other friends, when he got arrested, he ratted, but he was just a little guy not built for prison. This was several years ago, He had to do 4 years. I kept that guy safe the whole time. Got him a TV, kept his commissary nice, and paid protection to the Aryans.
I kept his ass alive. I go away, not even a visit, not even a letter.
I think the people at Answerpool and BonsaiChainsaw showed more concern about me being gone than a majority of my real life friends.
I so damn tired of taking care of everybody when they go away, but it's the right thing to do. Make sure they live good, eat good, and stay safe. But dammit, money only last for so long. My patience is wearing thin. I'm legit now, why is it everybody around me still chooses to be a jerk.
Of course if someone has to do time I am going to take care of that person. But I mean damn. I'm out of that life now, do I still do this? I don't want to be a jerk. You know I probably spend close to $600.00 a month on commissary to keep these guys livin large on the inside.
I'm tired, It's Ron Time.....

I'm sorry for rambling on and on you guys...

quote:

Originally posted by babthrower:
By the way, not all of us who avoid boozers and substance abusers are bookworms

Hi Ron,
But then there are also bookworms that don't like to be typecast. While not abusers, some of them play loud music in the library, sneak outside for a smoke, and enjoy a glass of wine when not working....all within limits of course.

Seriously though, I admire the candidness of your last post, and lots of people here have given you great advice. I'm glad to see you keep coming back to AP, and I wish you well. dg

Dg, I'm like an ingrown toenail, sure you can clip me and get relief, but I just keep coming back. I just can't resist being a nusence, but if I was gone, you'd miss clipping me once a month.
Just for that one minute of satisfaction.

Ron, you are truly one of a kind. I'm glad we have you. (But I am also glad there is only one of you.)

If you can drink like a gentleman my hat is off to you.