I've been dating my boyfriend for about four months (have known him for two years) and overall the relationship is amazing. The only thing that bugs me is the fact that he hates to cuddle. We hug and kiss and hold hands, but he doesn't like to be physically close to me when we're watching a movie on the couch or whatever. I'm the type of girl who loves to cuddle. It makes me feel great to be close to my guy all wrapped up in his arms... makes me feel safe and at ease. He says it makes him uncomfortable to be physically close to each other for an extended period of time. He also says it's nothing against me, he's just never liked cuddling. Is this "normal"? Have you ladies ever experienced the same thing? Do any of you guys feel the same way? Any advice or perspective would be greatly appreciated!

Could it be that he needs personal space...? Or maybe its distracting to him when trying to watch a movie?

Maybe you both can come to some sort of compromise, like sitting close to each other and gradually working up to snuggling a bit more? Or maybe only cuddling in certain circumstances.

Human touch is very important to many people, and you both need to come to some sort of understanding of each other's needs. Then find a happy medium.

There are a million reasons why a man might be uncomfortable with cuddling-
He might associate close physical contact with sex and therefore find it feels wierd to snuggle in a non-sexual way.
He might "run hot" and find that cuddling is just too warm.
He might be self conscious about his breath or body odor (even if both are perfectly fine)
Maybe his circulation is touchy and body parts go numb and tingly after a short time of snuggling.... and on and on.....
I'm a bit of a "non-cuddler" because I'm a fidgeter and can't be still for long periods.

The compromise in my house has become that we either "play footsie" or I curl up with my feet in his lap.


And, Shel-WONDERFUL to see you here! (hugs)

OK I just HAVE to say it!

In my limited experience, men don't like cuddling, snuggling..whatever you want to call it..without it leading to something else.
Men..and here's a big generalisation..are genetically programmed to be on standby for sex. Cuddling is foreplay to many of them. So, in a guy's eyes, why start something unless there's a very good chance you are going to get to finish it! Women, on the other hand, don't always cuddle, hoping it will lead to sex.

I'll be intereted to see the mens' responses to this.

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I'll be intereted to see the mens' responses to this.

Right, as usual. dg. As I recall.

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without it leading to something else.

This is pretty much the biological reality. Most men in a situation of "cuddling" are not being led by the head found on their neck. That's just the way it is,

I agree with what has been said here. Men just generally aren't the "cuddlers" that we are! Innocent cuddling that is!

When it comes to being on the couch watching a movie, start with side by side holding hands - who knows, maybe after awhile he'll automatically work into "cuddling" mode...which, to him, may be nothing more than an arm around.

Most men aren't as cuddly as we are...but they eventually get that way over time in many cases...just take it slow

We're just hard to train, Giz, that's all. But eventually, we learn.

Yes, you usually do DG...thank goodness!

<----Trainable

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Originally posted by DorianGreyed:
Trainable

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks." Isn't that the saying?
I think that's why we haven't had a comment from Fred yet.

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This is pretty much the biological reality. Most men in a situation of "cuddling" are not being led by the head found on their neck. That's just the way it is,

You go Juan.

Sarah, I know how you feel. You want the closeness. You want the feel of a partnership.
You're going around it. Honestly I'm not a cuddler either. What I want is what I get.
Sarah I know what you're looking for. You want a relationship, and you've had sex with the guy already right?
I know you have. Thats why you're feeling clingy correct?

Heres the facts, unless you've been with the gentleman for 6 months to a year without giving it up for the first time. The cuddling is out of the question. I would just move on, because to be quite bold as I have been. Well he is not looking to cuddle and hug with you. he's looking for something else if he hasn't got it already, which he probably has am I right kid?\

I would take him at his word and accept that he simply doesn’t like cuddling. Perhaps it makes him feel unmanly or he is insecure about physically expressing his emotions. Perhaps, as has been suggested, he is uncomfortable with closeness when it is not leading to sex. Some guys are like that. Some guys like their personal space without distractions, as Shelster suggested.

Does he hold your hand, hug you and kiss you, and give you other sorts of human contact? If this is the only thing marring your otherwise great relationship, I wouldn’t harp on it too much. He should know that it bothers you, but you can’t make him do it if it makes him uncomfortable. That would only drive him further away, I’d imagine.

I would take it slow, like Giz suggests. If he is okay with holding hands, work up to wrapping an arm around his, to leaning your head on his shoulder, to maybe resting your head against his leg. If it makes him uneasy, though, don’t. But you shouldn’t be put off by the thought that he expects it to lead to sex. Not all men are that primal and even if they are, many can have a mature relationship without everything being about sex.

I also wouldn’t take what SeattleRon says as gospel on the matter, either. He is not the standard-bearer for all men (no offense, Ron), and his questions are personal and inappropriate. Whether you have had sex with your boyfriend or not is not our business, and is not relevant. Some men are cuddlers, with or without sex, some men are simply not.

If it is important to you, communicate that to your boyfriend. Make sure he understands that it bothers you. Maybe there is a way you can meet halfway.

Yeah, most women don't want to sit close to me Seriously, some people are not 'tactile'.I'm one of them.When I'm close, I'm close, but it has always irritated or even annoyed me if a partner wanted constant touching or liked public displays of affection.

I don't think it's 'curable'.It hasn't bothered those who I've been closest to. They've thrown themselves into hugging their brothers, sisters, mother, father, old boyfriends..you name them...but not me.They've simply accepted me for what I am.There are other things they've liked, or loved, about me. Hey, I've got the children to prove it ! And they? Well,both of them hug one another [as above] and their mother but.. (guess the rest!)

I think, in my case, it's innate. My own mother used to say that she'd say to the nurse, and her family (tactile, huggers all) and anyone who'd listen, that she'd always dreamt of having a tiny child who'd sit on her lap for a cuddle and cling to mummy but , well, she'd got me instead ! I was an only child, as it turned out, and she'd joke that it would be worth having another on the off-chance that my sibling would be a tiny child who..etc

It would be easy to think that being an only child was the main reason, but, at best, that could only be part of the story.It may well be that an only child grows up without the constant physical contact that happens when there are other children there, and so never learns to be tactile or be happy with that, but who knows?

And I don't think time will change him. It's likely that that's just the way he is: he's not deliberately 'avoiding' you. If he was trying to tell you something like that, there'd be plenty of other signs. Had he been naturally and comfortably tactile and suddenly withdrew and stopped that might well be a sign, but not otherwise.

So neither of you needs 'help'. But if you really can't live with that then quit. There are plenty of other men out there !

Over-all it sounds like you have a great relationship with your boy friend. Now I will ask you this. Is there anything, any activities your boy friend likes, but you don't much care for. I know what you people are thinking!!! So get your mind out of the gutter right now!!! And would you consider participating with him because you know he likes it & are doing it for him.

If so, discuss it with him & perhaps the two of you could come to a mutual arrangment. After all, there has to be give & take in any relationship, on both sides.

Excellent advice, Lighteningrodd. When we used to frequent the remote control car racetrack, I balanced that against a museum trip or two.