quote:
Originally posted by clarebear:
There are about 200 people in my work area and she doesn't even work there. She usually catches me when she is walking by. I really do like this girl and I hate to be mean.
People crave attention. We try all sorts of behaviors. Some of us pretend we're sick to get it. Some of us pretend our children are sick to get it, and some of us make ourselves or our children sick to get it. Some people act out aggressively to get it. Some (usually women) pretend they are being pursued by ex-boyfriends (except they're not ex's; there's an ongoing sexual relationship). Some (usually men) pretend they're being financially persecuted by ex-wives with child support issues, and that is why they can't meet their financial obligations, and why they need male sympathy and female comfort.
But whether the attention-seeker is man, woman, child or dog, the behavior only continues while it pays off. If the payoff stops, the payoff-eliciting behavior sometimes steps up, at first. Photos will be replaced by videos etc. Stories of illness will be replaced by fainting spells in the workplace, and tales of mysterious undiagnosable illnesses. Sometimes the behavior is really dramatic: illness has been caused by alien abduction and alien experiments using anal probes!
But if even the accellerated behaviour fails to pay off, the attention-seeker will seek a new attention-giver.
Or perhaps the attention-seeker will introspect a little, and grow up, and devote him/herself to the ones who need them, instead of to virtual strangers. The best attention to get, and to give, is to those who are near and dear, or to people outside of our circle with whom we have formed a genuine bond.
You don't have to be rude, or to lie. Just act cool and uninterested. When she offers a picture, do not look at it. Say, "Oh, yes, very nice," and resume your pocketbook reading, or your conversation with others. Do not, do not, make eye contact with her. Eye contact is very rewarding, and will re-inforce her attention-seeking behavior.
It will also give her the chance to play a guilt-card: "Oh, I thought you were
interested in my children! But I guess I was wrong, sorry I
bothered you!" [Sob!]
I predict the attention-getting behavior will decrease in frequency and finally disappear. If she's unassuming, she will get the message.
If she's persistent, she may even question your lack of interest. If that happens, be honest. Say "I really don't know you very well, and while I have seen many, many pictures of your children, and have praised their appearance quite often, my interest in them is fairly casual." Then resume your book, or otherwise direct your attention elsewhere.
But if even that doesn't work at first, it will in time, and the attention-seeker gives up on that victim, and tries to find a substitute victim. That is the outcome you can look forward to.
You see, you are not being cruel when you do this sort of thing. What you are doing is urging this person to 'get a life'. If you fake interest, for the sake of 'not hurting feelings', you are re-inforcing her notion that stereotypical behavior (based upon what families and close friends do) is a substitute for genuine, meaningful personal interaction. Don't contribute to her immature fantasies. Help her to grow up. And in the process, do yourself a favor. We all feel guilty when we 'fake it'. It's part of our personal integrity to avoid phony behavior.
P.S: I was about to add that perhaps Mrs.S would have a solution and lo! she has. 
