Ok.. this is likely to be a little disjointed, so please bear with me-
My 94 year old Grandmother, whom I adore, is fading fast... she's down to 67 pounds, conscious but unresponsive and won't eat or drink much of anything... So, with that being the case, you're probably wondering why I am sitting at my computer instead of being in 3rd gear and gone already... well, it's because my grandfather refuses to have me there and won't even tell me where she is... the last place she was at, a couple of years ago, I called a few times to check on her and Grandpa hit the roof, yelled at me for "going behind his back" and gave written instructions to the staff that no information was to be given to anyone but him for any reason... So, now I have no choice but to hope he calls me when she dies and I am so angry I can hardly see straight... When I asked the other day if I could come out he said "No, I'm already surrounded by hospice people and the social workers." and then went on to say "Listen, you have your life, I have mine" when I pointed out that I was grateful he was not dealing with this alone but that none of those folks are family... There's no "estrangement" between us, and I absolutely acknowlege his need and right to deal with this in his own way, but I am so hurt and angry that he can't seem to understand that shutting me out like this is denying ME any chance to deal with this loss... he's kept me cut off from her for more than 3 years, and when I try to find out why, he gets mad and says "Look, this is MY WIFE, it's my decision!"... as if I were some stranger instead of her granddaughter... When my mom tried to intervene a couple of years ago, he lied to her and said I could come if I got a flu shot at least 3 weeks prior to visiting... when I called to make arrangements, he denied having said any such thing.... I don't know what else to say, but I could sure use some handholding

(By the way... he spent nearly 50 years as a Marriage and Family Counselor and holds a Masters in Social Work )

Oh, you poor thing, what a muddled, hopeless mess. About all you can do because of his own advanced years is see a lawyer and try to get his competency checked. He is wrongfully isolating her from her loved ones at a time when she needs them most.

His behavior is very cruel and irrational since you have no history of estrangement until he just started acting this way. It's cruel because she may not know what he's doing and may think the rest of you have just abandoned her.

Talk to your mother again. Email me and we can phone chat if you think it would help,

I never thought I would see any mercy in her Alzheimer's, but the condition has progressed to the point that she no longer recognizes anyone and her personal timeframe has gone back to her own youth, so at least I don't have the added burden of worrying that she thinks we've just forgotten her... unfortunately, the man IS competant... at least in the eyes of the law.. and depressingly, I have no standing, legally... US law gives very little recognition to the grandparent/grandchild relationship and even less in my case... My mom was an adopted child and has no legal relationship to Virginia, who married my grandpa after mom became a ward of the court (a whole different keg of worms)therefore, legally, I am a stranger despite having known her as my grandma my entire life.

The law is taking a harder look at 'elder abuse' these days. IMO that's what the old b. is doing.

However that's a tough way for you to go, and since she may not be aware of her loss, I suppose you must comfort yourself with the knowledge that you did what you could. And soon she will be at peace.

Oh honey I am so sorry you're going through this! I wonder if he's just so overwhelmed with his impending loss that he can not and will not let anyone else close. Maybe he doesn't realize that it's not only her that you want to see, but him also, to help give him strength. Definitely a sad situation

Thanks for the sympathy, both of you...
No, Giz, I only wish it were so healthy and rational... This nonsense is, I truly believe, his way of keeping control of a situation beyond his control and of making sure he remains "important"... as long as neither Mom nor I can find out anything about Grandma except through him, he has absolute power... and he really is like that.
Also, I strongly suspect that he's gaining a lot of sympathy from his neighbors, friends and others that would be reduced in volume if these people were to learn that mom and I would both be there if only he'd permit it when the current belief (Based on a few comments I heard during my last visit to Seattle) is that we can't be bothered... he's been a "Martyr" type for a very long time... he's good at it... I'm not sure how deliberate it is, but the outcome is the same regardless of how "premeditated" it is.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this situation.. that your grandfather can't be compassionate enough to realize that others are suffering and need to see their family members also.

Perhaps you can ask for a simple "good bye" visit... with him in attendance. That way he keeps the 'power' and you get to at least make your good-byes.

He won't even permit that much... such requests have been routinely refused for about 3 years, on the grounds that he doesn't see any need for it.

Well, it does seem to me (sorry, can't help but say it) that you are letting him call the shots for fear that he will call you 'not nice' , 'pushy', or whatever, and that others will therefore judge you.

I say this because I can imagine a staff member thinking, "Oh, we've been warned against these interfering distant relatives", and denying other than those in the immediate family group (blood related) the right of access.

On the other hand, I have had a lot of experience in my life with bullies, from the schoolyard on up. And I have learned one thing: a bully will only escalate bullying behavior as long as the bullying succeeds; and it usually succeeds. Most people are cowards.

However, what I have also noticed is that:

Bullies will either back down or compromise if confronted.
(I absolutely refuse to draw the obvious but unwarranted 'conclusion', which I will leave to you to deal with.)
(I have had very recent evidence of this with regard to my husband's treatments. Which is another story.)

But of course if he is not confronted, and if bullying is his underlying motive, he will continue it – against your grandmother. Who knows what issues they have had over the years?

Or maybe it is not yourself that has that attitude, but some other closely concerned person whom you don't want to 'betray' by opposing his/her reticence.

Of course, your grandmother may not realize that you have not visited. One day must be 'just like another', and if she asks if she'd had visitors, the staff's answer, "No, not today", might function to avoid distress.

Anyway, it’s obvious what I’m getting around to.

Have your lawyer write him a letter, copying his lawyer, saying that he is unreasonably denying his disabled, dying wife the comfort she might be able to gain from the visit of those who love her; and that there is abundant evidence that he has created these impediments deliberately and consistently for three years or more;

and saying you will stipulate that if what he fears is that your visit might unduly influence any behests she might give you as a result of your visit, you are happy to undertake to give these (however hypothetical and unlikely) subsequent behests to him, or to any charity he may choose to designate; since your only goal in wishing to have a last visit with her is to express your love and respect for her, and to give her what comfort – however remote the possibility she may be able to perceive it – such a visit may bring her..

He’ll get the implication right quick. And if he doesn't, his lawyer will explain it to him.

Thanks, Bab, for the input but...
I'm not afraid of his calling me names, I'm a big girl and it hurts but I can handle that, I'm afraid of him cutting me off altogether.. no contact whatsoever.

I can't afford to get a lawyer involved.

He has her Power of Attorney and her assets were long ago absorbed by a durable trust to meet Medicare requirements (She was very much of sound mind when those decisions were made), so that's not among his concerns.

Visiting the ailing is NOT a "right" under the law. He's being mean, but not doing anything illegal.

And HE HAS been confronted, repeatedly.
And while it has not been evident here because I am so very angry, I do love him... I don't "like" him much, but he's the guy who first put a paintbrush in my hand and who, when I was little, would flap his arms like mad with me in the park to see how hard we'd have to try before we could fly.
As mad as I am at him, I'm not going to make losing Grandma harder by forcing him to deal with lawyers and such. He has spoken well of the staff at the place, even though he won't tell me where she is, and there's no question at all that he loves her and would never leave her somewhere "icky"... I wish he saw things differently but that's about ME, not Grandma.

When I posted this it was not to seek advice but just to vent about my own pain.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all this added pain MrsS. Forget (I know, very difficult) your Grandfather and the pain he is causing you. If you can't do anything about it, then why let it add to your distress at this very sad time.

Every day, or whatever frequency works for you, go to a very peaceful place and light a candle. Then talk to your Grandmother as if she was next to you. Tell her everything that you want her to know and "hold her in your arms". Send her your love and thoughts.

Don't let all this tear you apart. There could be many reasons for your Grandfather's unacceptable behaviour, but why should he succeed in hurting you? Bullies only win if you let them. Your Grandmother will feel your love and thoughts every day; sending them and remaining calm mean you've beaten him.

My thoughts are with you.

What a beautiful healing ritual, Karrow, and how suitable under the circumstances. I urge you to do it, Shana.

Thanks again, Everyone... I've been talking a lot to her photograph and that's helping, but I think I will do the whole focused excercise Kath has described....
As for my grandfather- I have no clue what the prize was, or even what the rules were in this game, but he wins... I'm not playing anymore.
I will continue to check in regularly but will no longer engage in the silly, painful game of cat and mouse where I try to get him to allow me to be a granddaughter to both of them and get slapped down for making the effort. I have heard "insanity" defined as repeating the same process or behavior over and over, expecting a new result... I'm done!

Sorry about your worries.

You know the most learned people tend to shield their loved ones from things even when they know better.

They are thinking with their heart, not with their heads.

I think grandpa has been thinking with his heart when it comes to you for a very long time.

When we do things for long periods of time they become habits.

So Grandpa is a habitual thinker through the heart when it comes to you.

David, My Sweet Friend,
You are the dearest thing and that's an amazingly generous view.... I'll try to look at it in that light simply because that creates less anger in me than his actual nature.

Well, I hardly know how to begin this post...
Last Thursday, I called Grandpa to check in and told him I was going to be going to Munroe, Washington, the next day (I had to go pick Craig up from his job to spare him hours of sitting around Sea-Tac airport) and I decided to try one more time- I said "You know, Munroe is only an hour away from you... If you're not busy Saturday, maybe I could come and we could have lunch or something?"
He hemmed and hawed for a few minutes about the difficulty of driving in Seattle (He knows I've done quite a lot of driving there), and I lost it... Hysterical, sobbing tears and when I could manage words a plea that if he doesn't want to see me that's fine but to please stop making excuses and just be honest... Well, it ended up with both of us crying and agreeing to lunch... I didn't even ask about seeing Grandma... I was hoping to have a chance while I was at the house to get the phone number and address off the board by the phone.... anyway, five minutes later he calls me back and asks me if I'd like to go see her before lunch... Of course, I said "Yes, very much" but past experience made me a bit wary of both his motive and the odds of the proposed visit actually taking place...
I didn't figure I had much to lose by asking him "Why the change of heart?" and to my great shock, he answered that he'd been thinking about it and has realized that he had no right to decide how I should grieve and that he'd rather I just remembered her as she was before the Alzheimer's took its toll, but that I am a grown up and it's my right to deal with this how I need to.... It ended up with both of us crying again, but in a really good way this time, and me assuring him that no matter what, I would always see her at about 58, teaching me how to make pancakes and applauding my summersaults (Not at the same time)but that nothing in the world could ever make me shrink away from her.

On Saturday, we went to the really quite wonderful facility and I got to spend half an hour holding her hand and telling her everything I'm doing and all about mom and how much we both love her... Her speech is horribly affected from a stroke a few years ago, so I couldn't quite tell if she knew it was me and was asking after mom or if she thought I was mom, but either way, it was more recognition than I'd dared hope. She's so tiny now, I could've lifted her with one arm, but her grip is still pretty darn strong
I feel SOOOOO much better!
And I'll be stopping in Seattle next month on my way either to or from my next trip to California... Grandpa wants us to go through the photo albums and figure out what needs to be copied (The photos have been another sore point, he refused to permit any copies to be made, but I gave up that fight a long, long time ago)

I have no idea why he did this turnaround, but I am so deeply grateful that he did.

This is just wonderful Shana,
I'm so glad he had a change of heart. What a huge turnaround.
He and your Grandma are your family in the US, and hopefully now you and your Grandpa can be a support to each other through all this.
I'll be thinking of you on the next visit.
Let us know how it goes.

Oh Shana! I am soooo happy and grateful that your Grandfather finally saw the light and opened the door up to reconciliation! It sounds like you had a wonderful visit with her and I am sure she was as happy as you were.

Oh Shana - as I read my smile got bigger and bigger...I am so thrilled that he has come around!

(And did you know that the quickest way to Seattle from Calif is through Oregon?? )

Not sure how well this will go over, but I'de like to share a little story with you. I was very close to my Grandmother growing up in the 70's. My Mom was a single Mother, and worked full time, so she would often drop me at my Grandparent's every day while she worked. Needless to say, I became very close to my Grandmother, as a result. When my Grandmother became too sick with Alzheimer's after my Grandfather passed away, she had to be placed in a nursing home kind of environment called "Assisted Living".

I went to visit her as often as I could, at first. Sometimes twice a week, usually once a week, on the weekends, we'de take her out for ice cream or to some family event. This is hard for me to say, but it seemed that the more time I spent with her towards the end, the more and more 'out of it' she became. A natural progression of the Alzheimer's. It got to the point where she could barely even function, such as feed herself, or recognize family. On several occasions, she forgot who I was. It became so painful to watch her declining progression that my visits became less and less frequent. My Mom still visited her regularly, but what started out as a bi-weekly visit from me became a weekly visit, then bi-monthly, then a monthly visit, and then...well, then she was gone. My Mom made me go in to see her the day she died. Believe me, that was not how I wished to remember her. I still think of her like that to this day, sometimes. Not intentionally, but I just do. Now, I'm not denying that she appreciated my visits, or that it was a good thing. I'm just saying that if I had the choice, I would have preferred to remember her how she lived, as I remembered her growing up. Rather than like that. There is no dignity in an end like that, I assure you.

Not to defend your Grandfather's actions, mind you. Because, the choice should really be your own. But, I hope that you can appreciate what your Grandfather may have been thinking, and trying to spare not just his wife, but their family, as well. In his eyes, he may be trying to protect her in the only way he still can. To protect not only her dignity, but her memory of who she was.

The fact that your Grandfather used to be a psych professional just goes to show that no matter how educated a person is, we all return to our base emotions when it comes to an ordeal as traumatic as this. We can all be insensitive, selfish, and stubborn at times, no matter who. It's good to hear that he finally changed his mind, and granted your wish. I'm happy for you, and hope that you made your peace.