Originally posted by juanruiz: The guy's writing style isn't much better than a ten year-old's.
The Author is in his 70's. But, you're missing the point entirely. I didn't ask about his writing skills. I asked about his psychology (Many ingenius ideas have come from people who couldn't even read or write).
Do you think his methods have merit?
And, if so, is it ethical to apply them to our own lives, and to our own partners?
Is this genuine empathy (understanding), or disingenuous manipulation?
Are these methods a sincere attempt to preserve the sanctity of Marriage, or just a desperate attempt to try to hold them together? And, is that really a bad thing?
Should I be honest and tell you what I really think, or should I praise it so we'll have a pleasant thread?
Well, you know me. So here goes.
It's a trivial book. There are no important insights. The avuncular tone is rather nice, though.
Some of the advice is bad. It is not that we should always agree with our spouse, but that we should learn to express ourselves well, so that we each know what the other wants. It is then that we can make reasonable concessions, or decide if it's important to get our own way on this one.
If I ask my husband if a dress makes me look fat, he'll tell me that he thinks another outfit that I own is nicer, or he'll suggest I try on a different one in the shop. That tells me that the cut is wrong, or some such. He has good taste. He can tell me something useful without calling me fat. That's one smart guy!
However I will say this. If someone is buying a book called Stop Your Divorce! then there has probably been a lot of self-centeredness going on, on one or both sides. So anything that stops a person in their tracks and makes them think about what they're doing, even if only in fairly trivial ways, it is probably somewhat helpful.
Posts: 6553 | Location: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: 06-11-02
I don't doubt some of the ideas are interesting, in as far as thet go. But this is so badly written, makes sweeping generalisations, and is generally unengaging. There are many other self-help books out there that, I think, would be more useful. Sorry.
dancegirl, I happened to come across the website. Thought it looked interesting, and the more I read, the more sense it seemed to make. Although it probably requires a great deal of patience and pride swallowing, I think it could be useful in 'emergency' situations.
This excerpt names 8 out of 100 traits which are present when being in love and rejected. I'm not sure that Stop Your Divorce is the best title for this book. I don't like the codependency angle that you can change the behavior of someone else by giving up what you believe in. The book implies that if I wanted to stop my divorce there are 100 ways that I can change my attitude which will save my marriage. The problem with this reasoning is that marriage is not only marrying the right partner; it is being the right partner. If you are not married to the right person, changing yourself isn't going to help. This book implies that YOU are the problem. If YOU change your ways, then YOU can make things right. I'm not going to comment on all 8 parts but I will address some since I already started posting.
Exaggeration- We’re exaggerating the degree of their wrongness and the number of things that they’re wrong about, and the importance of their wrongness.
quote:
A woman almost never leaves a man who's not exaggerating.
Stating the facts isn't an exaggeration. I don't think the problem is exaggerating the importance of something. I think many times we underestimate the importance. People let things go to keep the peace. People who end up giving up their beliefs and dreams gain resentment toward their partner.
quote:
So a man says, “Well, if my wife says she wants a divorce, I should agree with her?”
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Because that immediately weakens her motivation for divorce and leaving you.
This is terrible advice. Agreeing only solidifies the idea.
I think the book is a co-dependent's nightmare. The book doesn't encourage growth or honesty. It encourages a person to lie about their true feelings, suck it up for the sake of the marriage and don't trust your own feelings or intuition. It think the book makes a lot of assumptions and gives the impression that the reader is the blame of a divorce and they can fix it if they just change who they are. Chances are that the person reading a book like this, isn't the problem. I don't think it is a matter of exaggerating the importance of desires. That is important. I think the book is poorly written and has terrible examples. If you have been thinking about divorcing, this is NOT the book to buy. I certainly wouldn't consider it as a pre-marital handbook. Some marriages really aren't worth saving. This book would just reinforce why you are leaving. This book would sell great to someone codependent. It really plays up the "it is all my fault" insecurity. ( If I could just do this or just do that then I could stop this divorce). This is the mindset of people in abusive relationships.
Posts: 5308 | Location: The Motor City | Registered: 06-03-02
I somehow suspect the author is a single man. Not literally, but emotionally. I know he is legally married and living with his spouse, but I see nothing in those excerpts reflective of the intimacy, honesty and vulnerability that mark a true marriage.
Posts: 2252 | Location: Western United States | Registered: 06-03-02
Besides Dr. Ellis being booted from his own board and excluded from his own workshops, there is the curious lack of a CV on Mr.McDonald's website, the FAQ on the site focuses exclusively on the purchase options for the book and its presumptive success rate. I sent the following e-mail and will report back if there is a reply
quote:
Outside of the stated longevity of his practice, what exactly are Mr. McDonald's qualifications? Where did he study? What was his thesis? With whom has he worked? I find the omission of a CV very curious.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: MrsS,
Posts: 2252 | Location: Western United States | Registered: 06-03-02
