Ok, I have a problem that I have been worried sick about for almost 7 months(my baby's age). To help you out, I have exact dates. I had sex with someone other than my boyfriend on June 8th 2001. The next day I got my period which was normal, except it only lasted 3 days. I continued having sex with my boyfriend after all of this.(He does not know about the fling) I finally end up going to the doctor in mid July who says my uterus is about 6 weeks pregnant, which would only make sense if it was my boyfriends baby, right? I figured out that the due date would be March 16th 2002, but my doctor said the due date was the 9th. (I had my baby on the 15th anyway). After all the info I gave you, can you give me some good advice(besides getting a paternity test) or an opinion on who's baby its more likely to be? I am sooo scared to tell my boyfriend the whole situation! By the way, my son looks nothing like my boyfriend, which makes it even worse. Please only serious advice....
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10-09-02, 02:14 PM
Lydia
Now, I will start this by saying that I am certainly NO EXPERT and the best way for you to determine the paternity of your child is through a paternity test. Based on what I do know, there are only certain times during your cycle are you able to get pregnant (you are fertile) and this is typically when you either are or are approaching ovulation. Ovulation occurs about 14 days before you actually begin to bleed. Now, there is the possibility that you did ovulate later as it can happen (not often, but it's possible). I would recommend that you have a paternity test - there is no other way you will be able to determine this information.

10-09-02, 02:14 PM
MrsS
The odds are very good that the baby's father is your B/F even though your period was briefer than is usual for you....the only way to be absolutely sure, I'm sorry to say, is to have testing done.

And...I know this is not part of what you asked, but I am nosy....
I am not going to make any judgement about your "fling", I was not there and don't know what prompted your actions, but I must say that you owed yourself (and your boyfriend) more respect than to have had unprotected sex...there is a slight chance that you "caught" a baby, what if you'd caught an incurable virus? Please,for lots of reasons and for everyone's benefit, be more careful...

10-09-02, 04:23 PM
cattywampus
Dear dlphngrl:

Short of 1984, there is no way to rewrite history so let's not concentrate on what she might have done "wrong." A sermon she does not need at this point.

Remember also that doctors themselves actually have very little idea when a baby is actually going to come, so don't get hung up counting days. They know the "average" gestation period, and they count from what you tell them was the last day of your period, and you both may be wrong. Don't ever let yourself be included in any "average" category. No one is "average," it's only a construct that allows doctors to agree. The baby will come when it comes and that's that. About the potential father, I would smile and tell both of them, "Don't you wish you knew." If one of them wants to be part of the child's life, let him step forward.

Catty (who faced this situation once, but somehow the baby came out looking so much like his real dad it was shocking)

razz

10-09-02, 10:53 PM
nursey63
[QUOTE]Originally posted by dlphngrl75:
I had sex with someone other than my boyfriend on June 8th 2001. The next day I got my period which was normal, except it only lasted 3 days. I continued having sex with my boyfriend after all of this.(He does not know about the fling) I finally end up going to the doctor in mid July who says my uterus is about 6 weeks pregnant, which would only make sense if it was my boyfriends baby, right? I figured out that the due date would be March 16th 2002, but my doctor said the due date was the 9th. (I had my baby on the 15th anyway). QUOTE]

Women ovulation date can change but normally the period starts 14 days after you ovulate. So knowing that if you were having sex around July 21 or so and then 14 days later you were waiting for a period and it did not come and by the time you can get in to the doctor I see where the doctor gets he thought you were 6 weeks. The figure how far along you are by taking the first day of the last period you had. Which started on June 9th and that would be day 1 so mid July would be about 6 weeks. I would think the baby would be your boyfriends but I am not absolutely postitive. In others words I could not guarentee it. Every now and then a women ovualates differently but if you go by when the norm does their thing the fling would have not got you pregnant because you had a period. Now if the fling was more than just June 8 like 2 weeks prior to this date when you could have ovualated then the fling could be the father. If you only did it the one time with him I would guess it is the boyfriend. But like I said if you had sex 2 weeks prior to the bleed then it could be the fling. My other question would be was your period when it was suppose to be even though it was shorter. If not it could have been spotting and you could have been pregnant. The doctors go by the date of your last period. Dates are not always accurate as far as when you had the baby. Typically most babies don't come on their due date and if it was your first it could be after your due date. So you can't really go by that. If you have any more questions just ask it will be emailed to me. I hope I helped.

A nurse who also is mom.

10-10-02, 06:21 PM
gatman
I think it will be best for all involved if you keep this secret to yourself. Your punishment is learning to live with the doubt. There is nothing to be gained by being retroactively honest. Having a paternity test to relieve your curiosity is as likely to creat problems as to solve them.

10-11-02, 04:45 AM
chanceygardner
Agree with gatman on this one. The baby is you and your bf's. Let sleeping dogs lie.

10-12-02, 08:11 PM
Wildflower63
I agree with Catty that timing and dates do not really determine much. I do not agree that this should be kept in the dark. Your boyfriend has every right to know if the child he is helping raise is in fact his. The child has a right to know exactly who their biological parents are.

Chances are pretty good that the father is your boyfriend. There is still an element of doubt. Get the other guy to go with you for genetic testing. I'm sure he knows the situation and will keep quiet about it. He may want to know if it is his child given the timing. If you find out he is not the father, you have to say nothing to your boyfriend. Otherwise, he should be told. Don't wait years for this. It only makes it worse.

10-12-02, 08:33 PM
Lydia
with those that say you should keep this to yourself. What (God forbid!!) if some medical situation arises in the future where you need to have this information and it is something you need to know immediately? There would be nothing worse than thinking that you could have been more prepared.

I think Wildflower may be on to a good suggestion - at this point it wouldn't make much sense to tell your boyfriend, but if it is not his, he deserves to know.

10-13-02, 06:12 PM
gatman
I understand the point of medical need to know but I think that is a rarity. It would most likely be a genetically inherited condition. Unless there is such a condition in your or "his" family history it is of little importance. I would be less concerned about that than the baby not looking like your b/f. Recessive genes win sometimes but you didn't say if your baby looks like "him".

10-14-02, 12:54 PM
dlphngrl75
My baby does not look like him..he looks like my baby pictures, but not like me now. I know that most boys look like their dads, but thats not always the case, is it? It concerns me because I know eventually this is going to be faced head-on, and I can't give a positive answer to my boyfriend if this is his baby. BUT then again there are other aspects that say he is the dad. I made such a big mistake, and now I have to deal with the guilt for now.

10-14-02, 12:57 PM
dlphngrl75
It's been so long, I don't remember what the other guy looks like. He was a guy I had met a couple times, but we were mostly drunk. But I don't think my son looks like him either.

10-14-02, 02:43 PM
nursey63
From reading your last two responses your boyfriend is questioning you if he is the father. Is that right? If it is the only way to be 100%sure is to go get tested for paternity. If you had your dates right when I gave my last response I would think your boyfriend would be the father. But since he is wondering anyway why not go find out. Now the question is if it is not his does he not want to help care for him. If he has been their thru the pregnancy and birth and now child is 7 months old I would think he has become attached to the boy. I think you need to do the test to find out for sure and if the child ends up not being his he will atleast know the truth. Now if he truely loves you he will stay and hang around. Good luck!

10-14-02, 03:23 PM
samantha
If it were me i would opt for a paternity test. What if it isn't his, where is his right to know? Also the baby has the right to know who is their father for sure. I did't find out until 25 years later who my dad was and speaking from this side of it I would have wanted to know very young. Besides just think also if you two split up would your boyfrined be paying alot of his life on a baby that is not his? What if the truth comes out later in life? It will be much harder to deal with it them. If you two stay together and say get married is your marriage going to based on a lie? The truth is always the best route to take and if he loves you it shoudnt matter to him. Sam

10-14-02, 08:26 PM
gatman
Ahhh...the old demon alchohol. That is so so often the door that major trouble comes in through. No I'm not against drinking, just irrisponsible behavior. Anyhow I had a discussion with another swimmer in the pool and have seen the arguement for the paternity test being sound advice for the long term while avoiding it is for the short term. I am willing to admit when my advice lacks vision and this is why I would now suggest that you do have a paternity test. If your b/f does not know about your fling hopefully the test can be done without his knowledge. Then if the child is his you can bury your indesretion and learn from it. If the child is not his you will have to decide about telling him or abusing him. If your b/f is asking q's already that does put a different light on it and the results should be shared either way. If you are looking to build a strong relationship with your b/f it takes a lot of committment and trust is essential to a strong foundation. If you have learned from this you know you have to be above suspician with him.

10-15-02, 01:27 AM
dlphngrl75
Thank all of you for your good advice. This whole thing is eating me up and I know its my own fault. I have a good feeling for the most part that boyfriend is the dad, but the doubts are still there. I'm not sure about the paternity test at this point yet, though. He's a great guy and he just asked me to marry him, so if the worst happens I'm going to be worried that will ruin our relationship and the trust he thought we had together. By the way, this damn fling I had was the first and last. I have commited myself to lifetime monogamy with one person FOREVER! It's just too bad I was scared into feeling this way in the first place. If there is any more advice I am so willing to read it. Thank you!!

P.S. Nursery63, thank you for breaking it all down and actually looking at it in the medical sense...I think that's what I needed the most. The paternity test is a logical given, but I really needed the WHOLE deal!

10-15-02, 02:18 AM
Wildflower63
Looks don't mean a whole lot when determining the father of your son. That is completely untrue that boys will often look like their father. My son doesn't look like he belongs in the family.

My husband has dark hair and brown eyes. I have brown hair and green eyes. My son is a redhead with blue eyes. I used to get looks from people when he was very small from him to his father to me with puzzled expressions and endless questions about where he got that red hair.

Both biological parents do not have blue eyes or red hair, but he does. His paternal grandmother is a redhead. My father has blue eyes. There is a whole combination of genetic traits from both parents that can extend to grandparents physical traits not possessed by either parent.

10-15-02, 12:09 PM
nursey63
I am glad I was able to help you. I wish you luck with this it would be hard. But you don't want to spend your days wondering in the back of your mind "who is the dad". I am a worrier it would drive me nuts wondering. Let us know how it goes take care. Good Luck!

10-16-02, 12:05 AM
samantha
I think everyone is forgetting one important person here more so than the dad and mom...is the baby. It's the baby who should not be punished for any mistakes his/her mom or dad makes whoever they are. Everyone has the right to know who their parents are and the dad does have rights here to of course. Speaking of someone who has been there and still doesn't know her real mom I feel now I have a right to know here also. It is so hard having it dropped on you 25 years later.

10-17-02, 12:21 AM
Wildflower63
I have to agree with the excellent point that Nursery made. Don't go through life with wondering and guilt. I understand that this is a really tough issue. Doing nothing will only make it worse.

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