I'll be the first person to admit that I can be pushy. I like things to get done now, if you know what I mean. I don't really understand indecisiveness; for me, its like these are the choices, now pick one.

So this leads to my question. My husband is an active duty Airman and is separating from the military in 3 years 4 months (6 days, 2 hours...lol). Anyway, he has nearly enough credits to have an Associates Degree just from his military training and other work he's done. He has said that he wants to complete a Bachelor's degree and that he wants to go to the school I go to (University of Phoenix Online). Its very convenient and would not involve traveling or messing up his work schedule.

He's even decided that he's going to go for Business Management.

BUT--and here's the problem--he won't sign up. Its always, I'm not sure if I want to start yet, or something like that. He has all the information and everything, but just isn't starting.

He does tend to procrastinate badly. I even bought him "The Procrastinator's Handbook" four years ago (that he never got around to reading) because he's just notorious for it! (showing that opposites do, in fact, attract).

He also tends to have a low opinion of himself and he thinks he's stupid. He's very much not stupid, but it goes back to a family member telling him he was a "retard" when he was a kid (for a reason we have not been able to determine). Apparently he still thinks he's a "retard" despite so much evidence to the contrary. He's even in charge of people of higher rank at work because he's so smart, but he refuses to see that.

So what do I do to help him? How do I encourage him to go ahead and start college, without pushing him? This wouldn't be so much of an issue, but we really need him to be done before he separates from the military, and it will take him about 3 years to complete his degree (that "2 to 3 years" in the commercial is crap; I came in with 53 credits and its still taking 3 years, imagine if you came in with none!)

So what do I do? I know if I do nothing, so will he! Help!

My husband used to be EXACTLY like that. I mean, just the same!

He kept talking about going to school; we had even agreed that I would wait to get my RN until he finished...but he kept putting it off. Finally I just decided to get my RN; I was tired of waiting.

One day he just came to me and said, I am enrolling at ---- School. And he did.

He just had to get tired of his current job, and he had to do it on his own.

When he did finally go back, he excelled in his classes, must better than when he had been in high school.

My feeling is that he had to be ready to do it, and that made him more interested and work harder at it...when he wanted it badly enough to go back on his own.

Voice of experience, let him work for it and want it badly enough to initiate things on his own. He will be stronger and will feel better about himself.

Okay Shel. I'm sure that's the right thing to do. Its just that, even if he gets tired of his job, it doesn't matter, because he's military and his job isn't going to change if he finishes school.

So I have a feeling he'll end up going after we move back home, which will be much more difficult, but I guess the important thing is that he goes.

Thanks Shel

Sagus was somewhat like that. He didn't feel that maybe he was smart enough to go to school because he didn't do well in high school (forgetting he had no motivation or encouragement to do well).

I knew he was bright and had a good opportunity for a career that would make him happy, but he needed to figure it out for himself.

He is doing very well... has a 3.25 (not bad for a married man with 2 kids and is feeling very good about his school work now.

Mommytimestwo, here are some encouragement suggestions that I came up with. If you are like me, you are not going to be able not to push somewhat -- but you need to "sew seeds" rather than be bossy about it. He needs to think he came up with the idea himself. Try some of the following rationale on him:

Right now, he is familar with his routines, and can figure out how to juggle school/military duties, etc. However, when he gets out, he will have to be in a totally new situation -- which is a major "unknown", and it is always harder to find time in the "unknown" area to add new things, i.e., school -- since he doesn't even know yet how he is going to handle his known responsibilities; getting a job he probably won't like -- but that pays the bills, with no career opportunities, and all the other "real" world stresses, etc., etc., etc.

Ask him to to close his eyes and imagine himself getting out of the military with two different scenario's in mind:

1. Visualize himself with his walking papers in hand -- driving off the base -- with a "big" smile on his face (which is a MAJOR accomplishment and one of which he should be extremely proud of)

then, to

2. Visualize himself with his walking papers AND his Business Degree in hand while driving off the base -- with a "big" smile on his face AND his head held high -- because he KNOWS whatever "unknowns" he will be facing . . . he has the best tools "in hand" in which to face them.

Then ask him to think -- which is smarter, taking a chance now while he can schedule in the time, and feels secure, or later when nothing is secure, and it may be hard to find the time.

He doesn't have to end up being the smartest guy in class -- tell him it's okay to be average like most of us. But also tell him, that many, many people go back to school thinking that same thing, and end up realizing the only stupid thing about themselves has been the fact that they thought they were stupid.

Point out to him that by his taking the "bull by the horns" now -- his family will be impressed (how can you call someone that has accomplished so much a "retard"?), and he will also have developed a higher self-esteem --that will most likely enable him to write his own meal ticket when he does go looking for a job -- think about it ... military during this time, getting the degree during this time, still young, etc., etc., etc.) people love to give jobs with good opportunities with resume's like that.

Then point out that he is already in the disciplined/structured military mode -- he won't have to step out of the box too far to take it all...

Then challenge him by throwing two little phrases I used to motivate myself when I went back to school at 38 years old (with no credits to my name, a full time job, a juvenile delinquent teenager, and no husband):

"NO GUTS -- NO GLORY!!"
They said she/he couldn't do it . . . so she/he did!

Then smile and say (if you can say this and mean it), "Of course Honey -- I will stand behind you no matter what you decide to do -- because no matter what -- I will always be your biggest fan." XXOOXX (you can figure out the rest)

This will give him something to think about.

I know you don't want to push him, and I know it would probably be best to let him make up his own mind -- in his own time, however, when someone has a low self-esteem, sometimes you have to appeal to the rational side of them in order to motivate them to do something they are afraid to do. Many times, it only takes a little nudge when they see it makes more sense to do something than not. It's always good if they think it's their own idea to.

I hope these suggestions help. Good Luck!

p.s. Hang in there yourself. It's great that you are back in school now, and even though it seems it will take forever -- you will get through it!

Thanks for your answers.

Tulula, I'm going to print your post and give it to him. The relative that called him that name is a paper delivery man supporting a girlfriend that doesn't work and three kids. They complain that my husband is so horrible for being in the military, when the truth is he is jealous because we can pay our bills. We recently bought my MIL a computer, and this relative told my husband he was "selfish" for showing off how much money he has (it was a $399 Dell! Come on!)

Anyway, I think if I show him what you said, and he compares it to the life the non-college-graduate relative that called him that name has, he'll see that you and I have a point!

Thanks again!

errrrr...maybe you might want to cut some of it out first, but I do hope it helps. I am no expert, but I know what it took to talk myself into being brave enough to do what I always knew was the only thing that made sense to do in the first place. . . and he's already accomplished so much. . . it really won't be that much of a stretch.

Like I said before . . . No Guts! No Glory!

You and I think so much alike, Tul, that I even used to have that same avatar

Thank you again! You've been a big help!

I push myself rather than my husband. Sometimes I think he'd like me to push him, he has so much talent.

Haven't you considered going back to school Mommy? Once the kids are in school its easy to do part time. You can even manage it with a part time job. I did one or tow classes a semster, worked part time and got my third degree very very slowly. I finished my second degree while pregnant with my second child.

Hi. MX2! If the central problem is uncertainty about how he'll do in college, why doesn't he get his feet wet by taking a course at Alaska-Fairbanks. The commute from Eileson to town is what...13 miles or so? And sure, the winter roads stink. Maybe during the summer session? Active participation in a college classroom would be a plus, given his self-image.