I am interested in opinions. Here is the situation. I found my wifes cell phone bill that she had hidden and I noticed numerous text messages to a number I wasn't familiar with. I called such number and got voice mail with a name, called her to ask what the deal was? She informed me it was a male co-worker and work related. Okay I can deal with that answer. After about an hour I called his phone again and asked what the deal was? Got the exact same answer so I guess she called him to give him a heads up.
I let it go until the weekend at which time I texted her that I had paid some extra money to get copies of her text messages and was hurt. I really didn't but sometimes you have to lie to catch a lier. She confessed that it was "text sex" or "phone sex." She swears that there were never any one on one contact meatings only the cell phone thing.
My question is does anyone think that this is cheating or adultery? I really would appreciate your opinions. ******************************************************8 01-27-06, 03:44 PM DorianGreyed If you want it to be, it is. If you don't, it isn't. In either case, your marriage has problems. The situation you are in didn't happen accidentally nor did it happen overnight, and one person alone can't fix it. If you both are willing to work on the problems, do so. Be honest with each other. If, however, one of you isn't willing, or doesn't see a problem, I suspect that your marriage is all over but the shouting and paperwork.
Good luck.
01-27-06, 08:41 PM honilov I would think that your marriage needs some serious mending but it can be done. To me, the lies are worst than the phone calls. I'm sure you would have felt better if she had told you the truth in the first place. Not only did she lie but she told the friend to lie too.
The lies can really make it feel like cheating, and can make you lose trust. Without trust, there's no marriage.
01-28-06, 06:08 AM philalethist The level of love is = to the level of truth.
From the abundance of the heart so one speaks. Fornication begins in the mind, and true virginity is purity of mind. What you are dealing with is not a pure minded woman. Even in texed sex the mind is thinking it before the fingers do the walking. What level of deception is acceptable in anything ¿ Your answer will be found when you concider what is in the best interest of your life for the length of your life.
04-04-06, 07:47 PM JuneGavin RJ - If I made a wager, I would bet on the fact that this action is indeed a first step to the wide open world of adultery. I happened to catch my husband through his cell calls. I set up his account on line and viewed calls with 'history detail.' This gave me exact times, dates, location and duration of calls. Most were made within 10 minutes after he got off work or within 5 minutes after he left the house headed to work..Duh!! I managed to keep quiet, very quiet about my 'spying' and did catch him!
Edited to remove e-mail address. (For your own safety, please do not post e-mail addresses in open forums. Registered members can view your email address in your profile, if you wish to provide it.)
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Karrow, 04-04-06 08:20 PM
04-07-06, 12:30 AM Wildflower63 Is this cheating? In my opinion, if it isn't yet, it will be. Why does your wife feel the need to wander? Why is she having sexual conversation with another man?
I have to agree with other members. Your marriage is in big trouble. The problem is, just as all said, HONESTY. What do you want your marriage to be? Is is acceptable to you to accept that your wife is not having her needs met by you to keep a family together? How do you respond to this behavior?
Again, in my opinion, your marriage is in big trouble. It is up to you how to negotiate this. Your wife may not be wrong seeking others for what she is not getting out of the marriage. Are you ready to listen to this or call her wrong for betraying you?
Think hard before you destroy what you have. This can be corrected. She lied to you, but why? Work together before you call this a black and white situation. No relationship works like that.
04-20-06, 04:35 PM RJ We are working to move in the right direction. I have forgiven her but I shall not forget. I am a guy who actually is in love with his wife and I would never do anything to hurt her or our relationship. I told her that we really do need to comunicate, she agreed. I am not out for revenge but it still hurts pretty bad actually.
04-20-06, 06:27 PM clarebear My opinion:
I think she is lying. It sounds like she got caught and made up something that didn't seem so bad. I think they probably had text sex and talking phone sex in between meeting each other. I know someone who is going through this exact same thing. It isn't easy to just stop something once you are in the middle of it. The excitement becomes very addicting. He was probably a friend she confided in and she began to have feelings for him. You don't reach the level of having phone sex with a coworker without getting your emotions tangled up in it. Do you know what phone sex is? Phone sex is a type of virtual sex that refers to sexually explicit conversation between two or more persons via telephone , especially when at least one of the participants masturbates or engages in sexual fantasy or arousal. Phone sex conversation may take many forms, including (but not limited to): guided, narrated, and enacted suggestions; sexual anecdotes and confessions; candid expression of sexual feelings or love; and discussion of very personal and sensitive sexual topics.
Think about this. She saw him everyday and he listened to her. They probably talked about how unhappy she was. She probably started to like him and develop feelings for him. It would be hard not to. This is how affairs start. They probably flirted a little and it was fun. Like I said before, that kind of excitement is hard to just stop. I would be very surprised if she just ended it. They rarely do. She's probably still seeing him and is just being more careful.
04-20-06, 08:39 PM babthrower She's playing with fire. It may not be technically adultery but given most human beings' history, it soon would have been.
I know we all need some space, but I think it would be fair for you two to agree to have no personal, private phone lines, e-mail passworded addresses, and so forth. Given what has happened.
You can't police her at work, I know, but just agreeing to give each other permission to open each other's mail and take each other's calls takes the secrecy away, and perhaps some of the temptation. I think it's sort of like an addiction. "Cold turkey" is tough, but anything else is just asking for trouble.
And try and do some of the things you used to enjoy doing together. Sometimes we get so preoccupied with work and kids that the companionship between husband and wife is forgotten. That's when a sympathetic outsider might become attractive.
04-24-06, 03:27 PM gerry She may have cheated, but so did you by checking out her personal calls. Unless you had an agreement, you had no business getting into her private messages. It's as bad as opening up her mail. Or she opening up yours. Everyone needs some privacy, married or not. In spite of the church's direction that in marriage the two shall become one, I don't buy it.
04-24-06, 05:16 PM RJ I respect your opinion very much as I do each indiviual who has presented one. I only looked at the phone bill and not any of the text messages nor do I want to. I don't feel that I have invaded anyones privacy I do feel that this incident has invaded my sanity. I do not beleive in betrayel. Do you? Or maybe you are in a similar situation?
04-24-06, 10:47 PM gerry You looked at the bill, saw some unknown text message numbers, and called the number to find out what was going on. You didn't trust her, correct? Then it's over right there. Sure you have a right to feel betrayed, because you were. But I suspect you knew something was going on long before you discovered the secret numbers. Am I in a similar situation? Well, not exactly, but once I was doing some surfing on the web and visited a site on homosexuality. That's not a crime, is it? But my wife one day checked out the 'history' toolbar and saw that i had visited that site, and started to question my sexuality. She had no right to invade my privacy, I was the one who felt betrayed, you know what i'm saying? And the fact that she would 'spy'on me indicates that things may not have been going so good to begin with. Now I do my surfing at work when the boss isn't looking.
04-26-06, 12:10 PM RJ "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."
Louisa May Alcott (1832-1888) American writer
02-13-07, 10:36 PM devily
quote: Originally posted by RJ: "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."
Louisa May Alcott (1832-1888) American writer
Why is it wrong to open your wife’s e-mail in the first place? Since she believes that she wouldn’t cheat on her husband or do any thing behind his back, I won’t say ‘no, can’t open my mail’. People need privacy to hide things, why would a wife hide things from her husband?
MJ its good that you’ve checked on your wife, because it seems your are doing your best to save your mirage, to do so, you must verify the case of what made you wife do such actions. Any one who feels in a lack would look foreword for filling it, you’ll find this lack, but before filling this lack judge you’re self because the problem started from you.
I believe its always better to have a vacation and make a visit to the old memories.
02-13-07, 10:52 PM DvdGStwrt
quote: Originally posted by RJ: I am interested in opinions. Here is the situation. I found my wifes cell phone bill that she had hidden and I noticed numerous text messages to a number I wasn't familiar with. I called such number and got voice mail with a name, called her to ask what the deal was? She informed me it was a male co-worker and work related. Okay I can deal with that answer. After about an hour I called his phone again and asked what the deal was? Got the exact same answer so I guess she called him to give him a heads up.
I let it go until the weekend at which time I texted her that I had paid some extra money to get copies of her text messages and was hurt. I really didn't but sometimes you have to lie to catch a lier. She confessed that it was "text sex" or "phone sex." She swears that there were never any one on one contact meatings only the cell phone thing.
My question is does anyone think that this is cheating or adultery? I really would appreciate your opinions.
First of all there are some serious trust issues in your relationship.
Yes by the evidence you provide she is cheating on you. Maybe that is because you presented the evidence the way you did?
I doubt by what you report your marriage is salvageable, apparently you both can not talk, you both have your way of doing things and I guess now neither of you trusts the other. 02-14-07, 04:24 PM RJ Well here's an update. It's Valentines Day and I spoiled my wife. I am a guy who is totally dedicated to my family and as far as that goes most anyone I know. I believe in them and they depend on me to do so. No matter what road you travel in life there are goiong to be a few bumps, I know this and am capable of overcoming them. Don't get me wrongsometimes those bumps are a little bigger then others but you just have to have faith. I trust my judgement, I believe in myself therefore I can and I will. Trust has been repaired.
02-14-07, 04:49 PM juanruiz Thanks, RJ, for returning and posting. So many here do not, and the rest of us are left wondering what the outcome was.
02-14-07, 05:14 PM DorianGreyed I'd like to add my thanks, and, more importantly, my congratulations to both of you for saving your marriage. Few marriages are perfect, but most are well worth saving, and can be saved if both parties are willing to work at it.
02-14-07, 06:17 PM clarebear RJ
Sometimes it takes a few bumps to realize that you really don't want to lose what you have. I'm happy to hear that you are working things out. I wish and your family all the best.
I hope to see you around the site. AnswerPool has a lot to offer. Check it out and have some fun. Smile
02-14-07, 06:49 PM MrsS What lovely news! I'm very pleased to hear that you're working through the rough parts. My own marriage was in... a brittle condition for a long while and I know the relief that comes with deciding not to give up. Happy Valentine's Day.
02-15-07, 05:29 PM RJ Is it cheating? Wow thanks to all, it was unexpected to get congrats and it is heart felt. I was at the start just hurting and looking for answers, it is good to talk to others but as I found out the answers came from within myself. I had to be honest with myself and look at what I was made of and ultimatley it made me stronger. Through communicating what I have inside me with my wife build an even stronger bond. I'll never forget last summer looking at my wife in our front lawn in the pouring rain, pushing her against a tree and kissing her. Her response to that was simply, wow.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,
