There is a women, that teaches at the seminary where I used to go who has very much so been like a mentor to me for the past three years. When ever I needed advice, or help making a decision I would go to her and ask her what to do. There was a point last year that I even spent more time by her house then mine. She's a women who I highly respect.

Last year I asked her advice about a certain subject, and she answered me based on her experiences. I thought that the answer she answered me was the only answer. I kept on trying to figure out how to carry out her advice, and never was successful. I could never understand why what she said always seemed wrong. About a month ago, I found out that the information she gave me was incorrect. And while for her the advice was true, for most other people, it wouldn't be helpful..... (and it wasn't.) Anyways, yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine, and I found out she gave my friend also the incorrect advice. And she also had the same situation as me with a lot of difficulty, because of the incorrect advice. Now I know, a large portion of my friends also go to her for advice, many on the same topic.

This weekend, I'm going to be staying by her house, and I want to talk to her about the advice she gave me..... How would you say it to her in a way that would not be rude? I don't want it to sound like I'm saying "you gave me bad advice and because of that I had problems," I want to say it in a way that is respectful and understanding.

Also, another thing that has been bothering me, is my other friends who she gave the same advice to. Would it be considered rude to call them and inform then that the advice was incorrect, and tell them the correct information? Or would it be preferable to ask her to tell my (our) friends?

I think it's crucial that knowing the truth yourself that you should share that with "others."

I'm no expert and I don't know what advice she is giving and about what; but that is Roog's opinion.

Good luck

Roog saw the word "that" in the last post, too many times but I'm unable to edit.

My apologies for redundancies.
- Roog -

"I don't know whether I misunderstood, or simply misapplied the advice you gave me when we last discussed such and such. In any event, the results were less than satifactory. What do you think my mistake was??" Would be my suggestion; based on very sparse information.

The first thing that springs to mind is that the advice related to teen sexual behavior.

Remember that she may have a strong conviction -- such as that teens should take the 'virginity' pledge -- and that would lead her to advise against 'safe sex' measures. But these measures are what the medical profession would advise.

If she is a teacher or counselor, she has a duty to give the advice that her school board has decided is best in such cases. They in turn will be guided by Department of Education or the governing board's guidelines.

But it sounds to me that she is not in a position of authority, at least in your case, since you are no longer her student, but is simply a friend.

So one would have to wonder why you decided that her advice, based on her experiences, was the only answer; and why you now believe it was the wrong answer. You were a little at fault there, n'est-ce pas?

Also you say

quote:

I could never understand why what she said always seemed wrong.

What's to understand? Some people have better judgment than others. That's just a fact of life. You can still respect her for her generosity with her time and attention, but take her advice with a grain of salt, and consult other sources.

I would tell the others whom she advised that in your opinion she ought to have advised a instead of b. That will do no harm.

But it would be wrong to think it is your duty to 'correct' the advice she has given to others. You can only give your opinion, as she has done. Your friends will decide.

It's clear you want to confront her but don't want to lose her companionship. So you won't go far wrong following Frank's advice.

Alternately you could just let it go, and seek personal advice elsewhere in future, but still be her friend.

I don't know how to explain it without going into to much detail... because the advice I asked her about was of a personal nature. The advice she gave me was a straightforward factual type of answer, and that was what confused me as to why it was wrong. When someone gives me an answer that seems logically to make sense 100% (not an I think type of answer), and then it doesn't work, well I assumed the problem was with me, and not with her advice. As to my knowledge at the time, I thought she was experienced in the subject matter, which now I see was incorrect.

This wasn't the first time I asked her advice on something, nor was it the last. Every other time, her advice has been very helpful, and I was glad to receive it. In this specific situation, I know why she answered the answer she did, and from her point of view she thought it really was 100% correct.

I am not upset at my mentor at all for giving me the wrong advise, because I know when she gave it she sincerely thought it was correct what she was saying. Despite the fact, I had a lot of difficulty for a long time because of the advice, and so did my friend who I spoke to. The reason I would want to talk to other friends, is because if they are now going through the same problem I had because of the incorrect advice, I want to help them overcome the problem.

As for letting it go, it's no longer myself that concerns me. I have solved the problem and moved on with my life. I just know that more people will very likely come to her again with the same questions/advice, and I want them to get a full answer and not the incomplete one that I got.

Without knowing what sort of advice she gave all I can say is for future references never blindly put faith into advice that cannot be backed up with facts. It is one thing to offer an opinion in a matter, a totally different thing to offer infornmation as fact when it is not.

As for your other friends who are following her misguided advice you might want to talk to them and tell them that you have since found out other information that disagrees with what this woman told you and you want to share your knowledge so that these friends of your have an opportunity to make a different decision than you did.

And the next time you see this woman just thank her for her willingness to share her advice but that it was not the best for your situation. Good luck!

Advice is freely given and should be accepted at face value. Asking advice is usually asking for an opinion, not for a "fact". We ask advice on how to get through this life which no one handed us an owners manual and we are all winging it and making do with what little we have to work with.

Although many people do attempt to add facts with their advice, much advice comes from experiences and what the advice giver has lived through. What works for one person does not mean it will work for all other people.

Obviously the advice she gave worked for her or would work in her personal world. It did not work for you because you are a different individual.

You have "lived through" whatever this is, thus now you can give advice in return to somebody else - better advice since now you can offer two bits of wisdom.

Should you bring it up? Only if you are close enough with her to know that any discussion on the subject will be harmful (hurt her).

So here is my advice (based on my personal experiences).

Most of the people I know would accept a "complaint" from me about their advice to me. I would not say something like "Hey, dog breath, that advice you gave be sucked big time!"

Instead I would open the subject along the lines of "You know when I asked you __________? You said _________. That didn't work for me too well, instead I learned __________ and that seems to work best for me."

Fill in the blanks as needed. As others have stated without knowing the particulars it is a hard call to make and also harder to give good advice on this matter.

Just say "Remember when we talked about X and you told me Y?" "Yes, well that didn't work out very well for me and while I'm not upset about it, I thought you should know that I've found more information that leads me to believe I should have done Z."

It's really a pretty basic interaction that will be uncomfortable but needs to be addressed... just spit it out.

If it was me, once I found out the correct answer, I'd just forget what she told me. It could very well be that the advice worked for her, so it wasn't considered wrong to her. I doubt that telling her about it would change her mind anyway.

Even with personal issues, there's different strokes for different folks. What's right for one is wrong for another.

I spoke this weekend with my mentor and it was a lot easier then I thought it would be. She agreed with me on everything that I said and said she would talk to the other girls that she had given the incorrect information to.

I don't know exactly how to say this, but the situation was one, where the advice could not be taken with a grain of salt. The mistake that she made, was made based on the fact that she learned the information 20 something years ago and had no reason to suspect that it was no longer true. I can't exactly explain how I spoke to her, because the situation I was in was one that would never occur in an american society. She hadn't actually given me advice, but advice is the closest way I can describe it based on the situation. Thank you though for your consideration and taking the time to answer my question.

Darlinggirl- I am so glad! I know how much this was troubling you and I'm proud of what you have done for the people she'll advise in the future.