"Normal" is in quotes because it is a relative term.

My questions are:

1. Is it "Normal" (falling within nominal parameters of relationships) For one member of a relationship to be the one who cleans, takes care of the houses, picks up after the other?

2. Is it "Normal" (falling within…..) for long term relationships to sink into two people doing "their thing" (EXAMPLE: one on the computer when ever at home while the other does hobbies. EXAMPLE 2, one waking up at 8 am weekends, the other waking up 1 pm).

3. Is it “Normal” for one member of a relationship to be blind to minor things, like the need to change the toilet paper roll, the need to feed the dog, the need to do the dishes, etc.

4. If questions 1, 2 and 3 do fall within nominal parameters for a “healthy” relationship, then is it normal for one to be fed up with it all?

I’m assuming a “caretaker” situation in the relationship, one is/has always been the “mom” while the other has/was always the “child”. With “Mom’s” program of recovery she is finding it more difficult to maintain the nature of her relationship and believes that she is failing in maintaining the relationship. Being relatively new to sober living (2 years) “Mom” is undergoing a lot of personality changes and is uncertain how to handle these kinds of things.

I am hoping to get other’s insights into relationships to aid her in how to handle these issues.

BTW I will be printing up answers to deliver to Mom (Without names) to let her see the responses to get a better handle on her issues.

1. I believe it is both normal and traditional for there to be a division of household chores. This may mean that inside chores fall to one person. In my first marriage, my ex felt somewhat threatened if I would clean the dishes or mop the floors, which she felt were her territory.

I am now married to a woman who is delighted that I have some small amount of domestic skill. Who makes the bed in our home? The last one up! Who cleans the dishes? Whoever is not clearing the table! Who does the laundry…er, well, she does, but only because she doesn’t like for anyone else to wash her clothes. We seem to manage getting the work done quite successfully without assigning it at all.

2. I believe it is not only normal, but healthy, to have some “alone” time to escape into your separate hobbies. However, a healthy balance must be achieved. Some time for talk is needed, and simply doing things in one another’s presence – say, one reading while the other works a puzzle in the same room – can be enormously peaceful and satisfying.

I went to a funeral yesterday of a very beloved man. At least once a week, he would tell his family: “OK, it’s family time.” The phone was taken off the hook. The TV and computers were turned off. And they simply spent time together. Though this seems a bit forced, every family member to a person fondly remembered this time growing up and they are all very close today. Time spent with those you love is healthy.

3. This seems normal for people who have not had to live separate, independent lives. I was probably more blind to these in my first marriage; however, having lived independently for several years, I am not blind to them now. I even check the roll before using the toilet!

4. Relationships require some give and take. You simply cannot give all of the time while the other takes, except in the case of caring for people who are totally dependent on you (a mother and child, or caring for an infirm parent, as examples). To be fed up with someone who is all take and no give seems perfectly normal, if not inevitable.

Everyone is different in some way, thus, every relationship between two people is different. Comparing relationships to determine what is "normal" is assuming that
a) normal (whatever that means) is good or even desired
and b) failing to be "normal" is bad.

Relationships aren't numbers; you can't total them and divide to get an average. "Normal" is different from one relationship to another. What one partner sees as "normal" isn't necessarily what the other partner sees as "normal." The only important thing is finding what works for that particular relationship. To do otherwise is trying to impose one's idea of "normal" on one another. I don't think that works.

Relationships are continual negotiations, whether spoken or not. If you are trying to help a relationship that isn't working, I think you should look for what each partner considers to be a reasonable expectation of their individual behavior, and what compromises can be made in those expectations. Trying to shoehorn behavior in a relationship into "normal" slots has generally resulted in unhappiness.

Having been married to the same woman for the past 62 years, I hope I may be forgiven if I appear smug, The fact of the matter is that I am perfectly content to admit that, to the casual observer, I am the comparatively useless partner in this relationship. My wife does the cooking, the laundry, the scrubbing, ironing, the house-cleaning, etc.

During the years when the children were growing up, (the baby is 58) the female partner did most of the raising, educating, cooking, laundry, shopping for groceries, deciding where we would live, what furniture we would buy, etc. I went to work every day, paid the bills, and pursued my education after returning from the ETO (European Theater of Operations). So, for a couple of years, she had to manage entirely without the other partner to the relationship[.

Why, you may well ask, has this lop-sided relationship managed to survive? I agree with both 'fuse and DG that every case is different, there is no set formula and certainly no way to quantify the infinite variety of permutations. The only essential ingredient so far as I can see is that there must be an honest appreciation of the equality between two very different individuals. If both partners can make sacrifices without resentment, without feeling that they are sacrifices, I guess that is what love is. Perhaps that is the only essential ingredient.

David, I believe the relationship you described is normal. It's almost exactly like mine and I wouldn't give it up for anything. I do all the laundry and cleaning around the house. He won't even empty his ashtray. Once I found out that he wouldn't, I quit asking him. He did learn how to cook because he love to eat, but I do most of the cooking. It's hard to find a relationship where a couple share things equally and it would probably be boring if there was one. I think it's also normal to get fed up sometimes.

If a couple was separated from that kind of relationship, they would probably realize that it wasn't so bad after all. Sometimes you just have to focus on the good things in a person, and less on the things that you don't like about them. Love can conquer a lot, and relationships will never be perfect. Good, but not perfect.

Yep, it's normal.

If I was as smart as Honi, and less long-winded than I am, I would have said the same thing as she did. Amen!

Unequal balance of household responsibilities is an understatement in my parents' 53 year marriage. It is certainly "normal" amoung all of their friends... much complained about but "normal".

I can see how it would be very frustrating and I'm not sure I would put up with it, but I also know that I am quite content to live alone for the time being. It isn't for everyone, so I recommend that people that are mostly content with their partner find a way to work it out... nobody said life was fair. There is definitely an internal scale of what is acceptable and if the negatives far outweigh what each individual perceives as the disadvantages to being alone, then I guess it's time to consider options.

It depends on each individual and that voice inside us that tells us the truth about how we feel about our relationship. Too often people ignore that inner voice that says "enough is enough" or "I can't take this anymore".

The majority appears to be swinging toward "This is normal". (Normal being whatever).

I tried to point out that this is common however my sponsee is having trouble trying to figure out what a "normal" (non-drug/alcoholic) relationship is like since she never had such before.

Thanks all for your responses I'm certain this will but her mind at rest on these issues.

quote:

Originally posted by honilov:
... Good, but not perfect.

Yep, it's normal.

You actually read the post. <<...note lack of exclamation mark.

You are most patient, may i refer to you as yoda?