Okay this is kind of hard to put this all down so bare with me. First off I want to say that I know that this is not so uncommon nowadays, and I hope that no one here has been through this, and those who have, I must say, that I am truly sory that this has happened to you. I truly am.
Okay on with the post then...


Since I was about 2 my "father" had been sexaully abusing me. He stopped when we had moved to Germany and he was deployed to the gulf war. When we moved to Georgia, it didn't pick back up until both of my brothers moved out of the house. (My mom was working nihts almost all of my life) Because he has done this I thought it was right and had several similiar situatins accur during my life, for instance my babaysitter's younger brother raped me while my brother and his sister was in the next room while in Germany (They didn't and don't know) I say rape, because I had said no, but he insisted, and since I thought that this was normal, I didn' fight. Wouldn't you consider that molestation then? Anyways. Another instance is my "bestfriend" used to fondly me when I would go over her house. I would be tired and fall asleep almost every time, and when I woke up, I would always find her laying behind me, with one hand in my pants, the other in hers. But I do believe that I am drifting away from the original reason that I was posting this..
The SA didn't stop from my "father" until I was about 16 and 1\2 maybe 17. I am not quite sure. He just recently got arrested for Child pornography, and is trying to "clean his soul" and is asking for my forgiveness. My question(s) are
1. Should I forgive him, after all that he has done, and caused(including mental problems). He had before, after admitting it to me (this was before he got arrested that he had admitted what he had done. OH!! He had said that the reason that he had done all of this was for me. To help me!!!) stated that I had made all of this up, that someone had put that in my head!!
2. Should I pursue the idea of furthering his time in jail?

ALL advice is apprecciated!!!!!!!!

well, as I posted before, you should, if you can bear it, report the offender to the authorities for punishment as allowed by law. He does not deserve consideration since you were injured. Sex offenders, especially mild molesters have the worst rehabilitation records and other children are also at risk, as you were.

You are among "family" here at the pool, if you ever need to talk, email me (my email is in my profile). I am an RN if you want to talk to someone medical. I am a mom as well, so I might be able to help.

Good luck to you.

(BTW, cute pic in the Year book)

Thank you again, Sherasi!! That really does mean alot!!

The same goes for me GB. You can email me anytime.

Should you not feel comfortable reporting him at the very least, have nothing to do with him..I'd be thinking of any children you may have in the future. (No contact at all!)

Me and my husband had already discussed this, long before he was arrested.

Hey Grumpy Bear;

Let me give you 37 years of experience and then you can judge what you need to do.

Like you my father had his, er, habits which he took out on me from age 8 to age 12 when the State took me out of the home and shipped me to my mother (I have yet to figure out if that really was better - abuse is still abuse)

No charges where brought up on my father for the abuses (Plural, there were many abuses) and in time I came to the same state of being in my mother's state, again the option was to ship me to a parent - My dear old da.

By that time I was 14 and was a big boy, that is to say I was able to take care of myself.

Though my father had made many promises, they were about as valid as monopoly money - ya know what I mean? He soon reverted back to his old habits, but he discovered that little david had grown a back bone. The times we had after that (until I was 16 when I took the GED and moved out) were fun. I remember once chasing my father the 1/4 mile from the wood pile with the axe above my head, I had had enough chopping wood, I wanted to chop something else.

That is a true love/hate relationship.

But time moves on, I moved out, got a girl pregnant, ended up marrying her, had son, and all appeared to be ok. Until the untimely death of my wife and son that is.

I recall being the the grave yard, I recall thinking of my life to that point and realizing that there was just no justice, no truth, no God, nothing worth going on about. I made a conscious choice to go get drunk and stay drunk the rest of my life.

6 months later I was turned on to coke, then soon there after I discovered speed. My life became one big party.

Though I had thought I had forgotten and everything was ok, it wasn't. All my drugging and drinking did was put the 'dealing-with-it-all' off for some future time.

8 years ago I went clean and sober, then the real nightmares began. Then came the flashbacks, the repeated nightmares and all the other feelings I had ignored for so long.

Though I clearly recalled the night time visits of da, I had put off dealing with them, I buried them and laughed them off, I ignored them.

For the first few years it was hell on earth. I went through counseling and a few other things. I hated dear old Da and I couldn't forgive him.

Until, that is, when I was at an AA meeting and heard a story of a woman who had had a similar childhood who had lived a long time with the anger and the unforgiving nature. She was in her 50's when she finally came to forgive.

Forgiveness came for me after that meeting. It wasn't hard, it was easier than I imagined, and in truth I benefited more from that forgiveness than my da.

The woman who shared had said that the moment she started to forgive her dad, was the moment when her addictions and alcoholism became manageable in sobriety.

I can testify to that. I can also testify to the fact that since I started forgiving him, I have had less nightmares, less flash backs and I have begun the long process of healing.

But what of Justice?

Today I believe in God, I believe that justice comes in forms that no man can manage to make it fit. For my Da his justice is served up to him daily when he wakes up in the same room with a woman who refuses to let him have divorce.

This woman is a fitting, nagging, witch of a woman who is perfectly matched up to my da. I can not think of any sentence that is as just and perfect as this. The once proud man is a shadow of himself, helpless before fate and circumstances, caught in a web of his own making which turned around and bit him on the butt.

I love my father because he is my father. I do not like him and I do not associate with him. I respect him enough to put a few states between he and me.

When I forgave him it wasn't out of respect or love for the man, it wasn't because I felt I had to for him.

I forgave him because I needed to forgive.

What you do is ultimately your choice, I want you to know that vengeance is not a filling meal. No one appears to feel better when their wrong doer is brought to justice, it is just done and the victims are left to work it all out inside.

David

quote:

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Should I forgive him, after all that he has done, and caused(including mental problems). He had before, after admitting it to me (this was before he got arrested that he had admitted what he had done. OH!! He had said that the reason that he had done all of this was for me. To help me!!!) stated that I had made all of this up, that someone had put that in my head!!

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I am not an authoritarian on this, but I have read someplace that this statement is a common one. This and other similar statements are made to “justify” the unlawful actions committed against the victim. Excuses are made so that the offender does not feel the “guilt” after having committed the crime or to avoid the responsibility of ones own actions.


Whether or not his heart is sincere on changing his conduct, forgiving him will benefit you in the long run. It is for you. Canceling ones debts against you lifts the heavy burdens of shame, guilt, anger, and the resentment that you have been carrying around in your heart. Having done so, you are no longer the offender’s victim.



If you are able to speak to him verbally…tell him how you feel, and how he made you feel. Charge up the debts so to speak. Then tell him that you have cancelled all debts against you, he is forgiven, that you love him, and he is released from all obligations to make you feel loved and excepted.


If you cannot do this in person, do it on paper. Picture him in your mind, and read it out loud if helpful. Then symbolically demonstrate your forgiveness and canceling all debts by tearing the paper up and throwing it away.

David has typed an excellent post! I totally agree with everything he has said. While I have never had to deal with this myself I can tell you that for eight years I lived my own personal hell with my now ex hubby who was extremely physically and mentally abusive. I remember at one point begging for him to kill me so I could be done with the hurt. In the end I lost my daughter to this man it has been 11 years now since I last seen her. At first the ager for my ex consumed me day and night I hated this man and what he did to me. After sometime had past I started to realize who all this hate was really affecting...me. Like David said I had to let go and move on I was destroying myself and bring my family down with me. I had to forgive my ex. All this ager I was holding onto was not affecting him it was affecting me so by forgiving "not to be mistaken with forgetting" I was able to set myself free, he no longer had a hold on me I took my life back and only then did the healing for me start.

Look Grumpy no one can tell you what's best for you, only you can answer that. Either way you go Grumpy you need not feel guilty or bad about your decision, this is YOUR life do what YOU need to do to move on. My best to you Beth

Update!!

I wrote him a letter, and sent it to him .. I feel so much better. I told him that I forgave him, not for his sake but for mine(thank you David!) And I also used some or piggins reply in my letter(thank you Piggins!!!!)

Thank you ALL for your help and support!!