Is there ever a valid reason to stay in a marriage and have a relationship that your spouse knows nothing about? ***********************************************************8 08-27-03, 03:50 AM babthrower IF - one's sexual relationship with one's spouse is poor or non-existent - One is on the verge of seeking a divorce - One has children and the divorce would hurt them - The marriage is otherwise good: family life is wholesome, etc.
then I would find it very hard to judge someone who went into an affair in order to preserve one's marriage and home life.
I would hope that the person is mature enough to handle the problems, though. There will inevitably be guilt over the deceit that will be necessary. There may be problems if the third party demands more than one can give and still meet the family's needs. And there is always the chance that even with everyone acting terribly maturely and intelligently, things will get messed up. If that happens, think of the children first.
samantha Not in my book Wild there isnt. To me if your married your married. I take marriage very serious and I don't believe in divorce either but, I of course realize it happens. I only plan on marrying once and that I hope will be forever.
08-27-03, 08:58 AM Sherasi That decision is totally individual.
Some couples swing and allow 3rd parties into their bedroom.
Some couples have "open" marriages where each may find companionship where they want with the blessing of the other spouse.
I, personally, hold with monogamy within a marriage. I don't believe in having affairs because too much can be lost (family, home, etc). But that is me.
A person needs to look at their own life and determine the risks.... and determine if can they deal with whatever the fall-out will be if/when the affair is discovered.
Personally, if it ever got to that point, divorce would be the choice and THEN other relationships may proceed. Sometimes it is more a matter of "sour grapes" than true desire for a person outside of that marriage.
08-27-03, 09:40 AM Georgia85 I'm very old fashion with strong morals when it comes to marriage. I believe you marry with the intent of spending the rest of your life with someone. If you lose interest with that person, or fall out of love with that person, then it is your responsibility to leave the marriage so both you and your mate are free to pursue a new life.
Perhaps the ONLY time I would ever entertain the idea of an affair would be if your spouse was chronically ill and on his/her deathbed and you were no more than a care-giver. But even then I would have a hard time condoning something that goes against my religious beliefs.
08-27-03, 10:05 AM NCcichlid There is no valid reason to have an affair if you are married.
08-27-03, 10:51 AM Lydia I agree that there are NO good reasons...hmmm not even any bad reasons. Totally unacceptable in my book.
08-27-03, 11:00 AM twinhearts Nope. In my book there are no reasons for having an affair.
If you are married to someone you must have loved him/her once. If you don't love the person anymore or whatever the reason for wanting to have an affair, then you ought to respect the person enough to let him/her know what is going on.
At least that's how I see it. Twinhearts
08-27-03, 12:22 PM JaggedEdge My belief is, if you are married an affair is out of the question. If you are thinking of having one, you need to look at the reasons why you are thinking of an affair. 08-27-03, 06:29 PM Wildflower63 I have enough problems! I wasn't thinking about having an affair myself. Many people do this. I was wondering how everyone might view this topic. Is this clearly wrong or do people have an affair, yet stay in a marriage with valid reasoning?
I worked with quite a few married women that had affairs with married men. I was pretty surprised at the number of my co-workers doing this. They are all nurses. They are intelligent women. They did talk openly about their relationships because they were so many of them doing this. In most cases, they were waiting for the man to leave his marriage before they would. How the reasoninging behind this got started, I don't know.
Given that this is a bit of a taboo subject to discuss, what are the reasons many validate having an affair, yet choose to stay in a marriage? There has to be a reason. I don't think this is real uncommon. I wonder about the why of it all.
08-27-03, 10:17 PM Tree THIS is kind of an interesting read.
08-27-03, 10:37 PM honilov It's wrong for married people to have an affair. However there are reasons that I can understand if they do. For example, if your spouse is cheating on you, and won't stop, I believe you should either leave or cheat, too. I'm sure if you sat down with a pen and paper, you could write down a lot of other things you did wrong. A wrong is a wrong. I believe in revenge.
08-27-03, 11:09 PM Wildflower63 That article was interesting. I thought it was fairly common practice, although a taboo subject to discuss. After reading that, I am more understanding of the issue. I was always surprised at the number of people who did this and why, if their marriage was so bad, that they just didn't be honest about the situation and live separate lives. Interesting thoughts in that article that I did not cosider before.
08-28-03, 12:35 AM tsaeb The Exception, Pray Tell
Sure, a few folks have a relationship with God about which relationship their spouses have no knowledge. Obviously, their spouses also usually have no relationship with God of their own. There are even scriptures which describe this kind of marriage.
08-29-03, 03:10 AM DvdGStwrt No - None what so ever - Nope, Nada - NO!
Having an affair is just plain wrong - it leads to many hurt feelings, The spouse, the person you are having an affair with (Who may actually fall in love with you) Yourself, because you will sooner or later find yourself in the middle of bigger issues - either trying to pick one over the other, or, worse yet, finding that both hate you and leave.
Sex is never, ever that important. There is the old Mother thumb and the four daughters to take care of any sexual frustration - If one is on the verge of divorce, then they can wait until it is final before they play around - simply because divorces are usually very stressful and emotionally charged and most likely one is seeking comfort in the arms of the person and most likely will lose what feelings they have when the divorce is final.
If a marriage is otherwise good, then why risk it?
Yes, there are open ended relationships - This I barely condone, never understood them, but they are just a hair closer to Maybe than an affair. At least in these open relationships there is the agreed understanding that extra-relationship sex is ok.
I liked the notion of If they cheat on you first - But then it crosses my mind that two wrongs don't make a right. There are times when one shouldn't lower themselves to the level of others for 'revenge'.
In the end affairs are just not right, they are harmful to everyone involved and most often end with hurt people.
David
08-29-03, 03:24 AM SeattleRon well, ya know, once you enter into a marriage. It's pretty much final. Marriage means you want to spend the rest of your life with that certain individual. Personally there isn't a valid reason to have an affair once you're married. You should only choose to be married only after the fact that you know the person really well. If you didn't know beforehand about the problems then it's your own fault. More than likely if you got beat, you were hit before you got married. Before you get married you should be absolutely sure you know what you're getting into before you take the plunge. Because not only are you marrying your fiance, you're marrying into her family. Once you're married there is no reason to have an affair. If you want multiple relationships and partners. Or if you just like to sleep around, then never get married. Marriage is a sacred bond.
09-06-03, 03:12 AM SAINT DAN i'm glad you brought this up. believe it or not my wife hit me with a bombshell lately. i'm joking with her about the fact that i'm going to turn 40 next year and i joked that i was going to get a harley and have an affair with a chick half my age. she turns to me and says " danny, if that's what you want then do it" (affair). she was serious. i ask "you planning one too?" "no, but i want you to be happy. just don't bring anything home."
so the doggish half of me was "YAHOO!" but then, wait a min....does she not love me? is our marriage over? is she just !@#$%ing with my mind? reverse psychology?
no i know my wife and she means it. if i was to have an one night stand she would be hurt but she wouldn't leave me. but then the one thing that i believe holds a relationship together, sexual or platonic, is trust and commitment. it would ruin everything in our marriage; from our finances to our children.
before i was married or was dating my wife i worked with a guy who had an open marriage. at anytime i could have had sex with his very attractive wife and he wouldn't have kicked my ass....but i didn't. 20 yrs ago i never could figure out why...was i gay?...no...was i scared?...well, alittle but that wasn't the reason. i see now that i couldn't participate in someone committing adultry..even if i wasn't the first.
sometimes my wedding ring weights a ton, but to be unfaithful even if i do have "permission" is the difference between a bad husband and a bad person.
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