We're doing a very detailed family geneaology for my husband's family, as it's my hobby and no one has ever compiled all the information.

His family is pretty straightforward with a exceptions: his aunt was adopted at birth; his sister was adopted at the age of 14; and his brother has a child with his girlfriend, although he is still legally married to his daughter's mother, and his girlfriend has a baby from a previous relationship.

For the adopted people, we thought it would be best to put their year of birth, and then A and the year of adoption. Like, NAME, b 1983, A 1999. Does that sound good?

For the brother, we have no idea. We don't want to offend anyone (at least two relatives have suggested to include our nephew, but leave his mother and her daughter off, because she is not liked in the family) but at the same time she is not married to him and her daughter is not his kid. We're not trying to be picky, but this is going to be a record of his actual family, and as much as they are together now, they might not be in a year or so (not that marriages last forever, but at least they were legally married, if that makes sense). Plus, he's still married to his daughter's mother, which makes it even more complicated from a "moral" standpoint, because how do we put that he had a baby with someone else when he was still married?

The way I have it now is one line coming from him to his wife, with a line under her for their daughter, and their date of marriage on it. Then I have another line coming from him to the girlfriend, with no date of marriage, and a line going down to their son. But what do I do with her daughter?? It is our nephew's sister, but if I put a line off the mother then it looks like it's his daughter.

This is SO CONFUSING! Any suggestions would be appreciated. Failing all else, I'll just let it appear like she's his daughter, even if it's not accurate.

There's no absolute right and wrong way to present such information. My view is that it should be clear and concise, and must make sense to someone who's never seen it before without having to be explained.

One convention is to use = for marriage, e.g. John Jones = Mary Munchkin date place. That also allows you to put basic details below the individual, e.g. date and place of birth, occupation, date of death and where buried. In my own charts I put the marriage details on the line above the "=".

As for the girlfriend, I think she has no place on the actual chart. There are always things that don't fit, and I put explanatory notes about such things in a box in a corner of the chart, with perhaps a (1) against the person, to refer the reader to the note. In my view that is the place to say "Also had a son, Peter, by [name], born [date]", and anything else relevant. The girl's other child is nothing to do with him and has no place in your record.

If anyone's moral sense is that delicate, the only way is to ignore the girlfriend and the illegitimate child altogether. It's a fact. You either include it or airbrush it out. Strange for anyone to be that sensitive in these permissive days. Even in Victorian England, when respectability was all and things were "proper" to a ridiculous extent, first babies were often extremely premature! This in an age when they covered piano legs for modesty, and segregated the works of male and female authors on shelves.

Your "A" for adopted seems fine to me, but I would define the meaning in my notes. I imagine someone wanting to read my chart after my death, when I can't explain the notations. If the meaning is at all unclear, I make a note.

It's your chart, though. Do it however you decide. Great idea to do it. My interest in the subject was sparked by some inherited papers which gave me a start.

I would also suggest an accompanying document done freehand on a word processor, with a paragraph or two about anyone you know anything about. Anything that puts flesh on the bare bones of dates and places for a person's record brings them to life (Sorry about the imagery!) Future generations coming to your records could never find out from official records that so-and-so was a drunkard, a womaniser, had red hair or whatever.

Thank you for your suggestions.

The reason that people are upset is not the illegitamacy, but rather that he is still married but pretends that he is not, and has "replaced" his daughter with this new family that she is not a part of (she's only 9). So it's a sensitive subject to begin with, which makes it even hard to try to be subjective. I think your idea to put it in separately is good. Maybe I could put in my nephew as a line off his father, and then under him put in "by XXX, b 2003". How does that sound?

When I did one of these family histories for my dad, I actually wrote a 30 page book with it because we had a lot of stories. It seems that my husband's family was instrumental in the founding of two towns in our homestate, so if I can find enough info on that I plan to include that along with the few details I have found.

Thank you again for your help--I really needed a subjective view point.

It's your chart, Mx2, but in my view (I'm a senior citizen and wired with older values!) the chart shows the formal situation. If he is still legally married, that is what the chart should show. The child by the girlfriend needs to be shown on the chart. He is in the father's bloodline, after all, but I think a note in the margin will suffice.

As for his pretending that he is not married, you can't represent that on a chart with any clarity. Perhaps the narrative document is the place for such comments. He could split up with the girlfriend, which would throw your chart into chaos again!

You're writing a document which could become someone's initial reference work in 100 years' time. Temporary unofficial liaisons only deserve a passing mention on that scale.

And I hate to be picky, but I think you're mixing up "subjective" and "objective"!

You're right, I did use the wrong word, how embarassing I'm sorry! My fingers aren't connected to my brain

Anyway, that's why I'm trying to hard to make sure it's right--because someone 100 years from now might look at it. I want to make sure that it's clear whose kid is whose, and what the relationship is. The problem isn't that he's not divorced (like, I'm not going to write that in there) but rather how to show the relationship with the girlfriend. If they were married, it would be simple. Even if they were just dating, also relatively simple. But jeeze, what is she? His mistress? I can't even figure out what to call the relationship to determine how to write it down!

I'm going to leave out any mention of him being married still, I think, and just put the baby down with a note of the mother. I think that will make it clear without belaboring the point. I don't want to make a big issue of the relationship in the chart, I'm trying to do this thing to be nice, not start fights, but accuracy is more important, I think.

Thank you again

I think you're right. Let your chart show the marriage and the daughter of that marriage. Then just put a short note, without making too much of it, that he also had a child by the other girl and give the name, date of birth etc. Your mythical descendant can look across, see that the wife is still alive and not divorced, and realise what is going on. They will know the state of late 20th century morals and it will be no surprise! Just be cold and factual on the chart, and don't make too much of a drama of it in your narrative. It sounds as though you all regard the situation as rather sordid. The least said about it the better, but his natural son should be mentioned.

You are right, Ewood. Written that way will make it quite clear.

Many members of the family do think it is rather "sordid", to use your term, because the family is rather traditional and mostly very Christian, and to them it seems wrong to just not get divorced before you move on and procreate. For me, the only thing that I dislike is that he makes this big huge deal about "not believing in marriage" and "marriage is just a piece of paper", when in reality he isn't married to the girlfriend because he can't afford to get divorced from his wife. In my opinion, you do what you want, just don't make stuff up about it. Be honest.

Thank you again for all your help! I really appreciate your taking the time to do this.